Elle101

Hey guys, I started writing a post last night but didn't want it to sound like the ramblings of a madwoman. I went to my GP and she prescribed a small dose of diazepam which is helping but I've had another relapse. On the train last night myself and my partner were drinking prosecco and I went to get off the train - I had to squeeze past a man and his child and I can't stop thinking about whether I accidentally touched one of them inappropriately - my boyfriend couldn't see anything as they were in front of him. When I got off the train the man gave me a horrible look and muttered something to me and I just walked on. Has anyone else had experience of this - I'm always so worried about touching people inappropriately and in my mind I'm always like 'avoid avoid avoid' but I worry that because I was thinking that my brain would send a signal to my hands and do something awful because I'm so against something happening? I'm a good person and I don't want to think that I've done something bad and I'm sure I didn't but it's just taking over my life. I worry that the small child will tell his dad I touched him and now there will be a police investigation and I'll have to go through court. I've never had any thoughts or feelings about doing this but I always think of the worst case scenario. I just worry I did something without realising. I remember as soon as I walked past them thinking **** what if I've done something, have I done something? Can anyone help me please? I'm so sorry I'm going out of my mind. I don't want to lose my friends and family and my partner because of this.

I can't see someone until Monday and it's driving me crazy. I'm going out of my mind. I'm so sorry to seem like a broken record. I feel so awful. I can't think of any way to describe the bleeding though and the door was open again. I can't do this - it's making me feel so low. Knowing my luck this is definitely someone that would happen. I can't cope. I can't concentrate on anything and I have this feeling of doom. I'm such a mess. I just want to sleep all the time and when I wake up and I'm shaky and panicky. I just want this to end. I wish someone would remove my brain from my head and replace it with a new one. I can't resist anything. I can't do this anymore. I can't comprehend where the blood would've come from and it's killing me. This hasn't happened to anyone before and it sounds like I'm making it up but I'm not 100%. I was bleeding and it looked like needle mark.

Sorry - I just really need a bit of help

What's worse is that I can't pin point when this happened - it could've happened the night I left the door open but it could've happened a few days after when my door was open. I'm so scared

As you all probably know I've had a stressful couple of weeks and wanted to thank everyone for their help. I'm starting to panic again. I woke up (haven't been sleeping well) and noticed I had a blob of blood on my stomach that had started to clot. I can't really remember when it happened or why but there was no cut that I could remember. I wiped it and it may have continued to bleed but I can't be sure. I've been sleepwalking and opening my front door as of late (think it's because of what happened last week) with the door being left open and I'm petrified someone came in and stuck me with a needle. I have no idea why or how I would get blood on my stomach and I remember it feeling quite tender. I have absolutely no idea what would've caused this. I was in bed - drifting in and out of sleep. I can't think of any other way to explain it -seeing as my door was probably unlocked someone must've come in and done it. I've been in a delirious state and don't think I would've noticed someone come in. I'm so scared. I didn't check for bruises or anything and only remembered the incident last night. Sorry for the post

It's all about acceptance! I just need to ignore it all. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. Feeling more positive and happy about it. Is it the fact I've been for a long walk? I keep telling myself that NONE of this is my fault. I haven't done anything wrong, if my worst fear occurred there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and I will just have to be strong. I am a strong person and I have to live in the moment. People are dying, being killed, losing loved ones and I shouldn't take it for granted. Whatever happens I will deal with it.

Yep - I made a breakthrough earlier and then I started worrying about something else. My brain is so exhausted. It's like OCD doesn't want you to have a break or restbite. We're in control though remember - they are thoughts, they don't even physically exist, why let them win? We're bigger and stronger than they are.

I know you'll think I've taken a step back so I'm sorry but thoughts have been triggered again. When I realised the door was open in the morning (9am) I was convinced I'd locked it the night before as mentioned in previous posts - so I tried lots of variations of leaving it off the latch and left it off the latch (just to get some piece of mind regarding what it would be like off the latch) I went into the shower and got back into be with my towel on and fell asleep again for 2.5 hours. I was naked under the towel. Im now worried that somebody came in at that time and raped me?! My memory is very hazy and I remember tossing and turning lots and being quite hot and bothered. I'm worried that I actually was raped but because I was so worried about the previous incident I've only started worrying about it now. I now think I'm having flashbacks of something happening but I can't be sure if I'm imagining them. What's going on with my brain? I cant rationlise this at all. I keep taking 1 step forward and 20 steps back.

I'm currently in the middle of a bad, bad spell of anxiety/OCD (possibly a mental breakdown!) Probably the worst one to date and it's actually forcing me to reflect on life and the future. I'm starting to really appreciate what I have. People have been so supportive. Think about the good things you have. Make a list of things you want to accomplish. Do things you didn't think you were capable of. You will get through this and you'll have good days and bad days. Dont worry about something that hasn't even happened yet - be excited about what could happen (I know it's easy to say) but the world is your oyster and you shouldn't allow this to take over. Continue with your CBT (I'm starting on Monday) and try and be positive. I've been in really dark places over the last week and it's hit me in the face like a tonne of bricks but positivity is key. Someone actually told me this and I thought 'yeah easy for you to say' but it's true. Be positive! (I'll be reading over this post for sure when I'm feeling less positive!) Look after yourself - we're delicate things us human beings!

Fears are creeping back in again. Trying my best to knock them on the head. Just can't believe how lovely I felt last night. I thought it might be easier today. I did sleep in until 10am though - positive!

Touch wood - I'm still okay! I'm praying I sleep in later than 6am! Thanks once again for all your help. I'm trying to remember how I feel now. If I feel bad in the morning I want to look at this post and know everything is okay (or that it CAN be with the right attitude) I'm smiling for the first time in 8 days ? Maybe it's because I've had a pizza and a glass of prosecco!

All I can say is you're amazing. Thank you so much. Acceptance is key. You're right, when you begin to accept your worst fear - it loosens its grip. I may not be saying this in the morning but I've turned a corner today. NONE of this is my fault. I'm prepared for what the future holds. I read my previous posts and think where did the strong independent Elle go? I'm proud of myself for making a step forward. Thank you so much for helping me. P.s - I'll probably be ranting and worrying again tomorrow so savour this! Haha

I'm convinced it happened though. Im now convinced that the white stuff in the toilet was actually from me and it was after i had a wee. It was definitely sperm. I feel like I've been blocking out what actually happened and it's now coming into clear focus. I'm sorry I know I'm ignoring your advice but I'm thinking of ways to end this now. I can't carry on like this. I've never felt like this before. What if this isn't OCD? What if I'm blocking out what actually happened and just assuming it's my OCD?

Do I sound crazy? I can't work out what's real and what's not anymore. I've been reading lots about false memories and OCD.

I'm now worrying that the white stuff could've been from me after going to the toilet and it was just flushing out the sperm from me after being raped. I'm just panicking that I was so panicked and stressed that I didn't actually realise it had come from me? And it was the rapists sperm working it's way out of me. I remember going to the toilet twice when i woke up. And it could've been before or after. I can't be sure now. Thanks for all your help and I'm so sorry about this.