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  2. I know sometime has to change and I have to try. Yesterday the Therapist was making me do imaginary exposures and he wants me to use my current worry as the content for the ones Iโ€™m supposed to do. I honestly donโ€™t know if I can do it.
  3. Today
  4. Yeah, I'm currently seeing a therapist for OCD, but I've been having lots of ups and downs. I canbgnore the thoughts for 1-2 weeks, but then they come back stronger. I keep relapsing
  5. For 9 years I struggled with ocd stopped living a life, put myself through some bad stuff, unprecedented stuff that normal people dont go through, then I have a reaction to a pharmaceutical that alters my body composition, but it urged me to start living, in the next 2 years, I try to make my symptoms better, and I am life limited in many ways, I couldnt believe this had happened to me, given everything id been through and this was because of ocd, also, all of it came from COMPULSIONS, this whole thing has emasculated me, self harm. Then I have a child, and again I get into a similar situation, so now I have all 3 of these problems, and I just cant overcome it, like I want to give up, I see no hope, no light, I wish Id never brought a child into this world, because I cant look after them, she lives with her mother, but its all just a mess, I lost my job I have no money, and I dont even have the will to better my life anymore, I have too much guilt and depression. I dont even post here for help I just post to vent, Ive never really come into contact with anyone that could really help me, I just feel that all my problems need a time machine to fix, some things never change. I know I come here and post these kinda things alot, but its genuinely how I feel. The best thing I can compare it to is the movie Awakenings, OCD stopped me living a life I mean literally no goals, no jobs for YEARS, no relationships, prime of my life 20's. Then for 2 years albeit with a physical illness, I decide because of my illness Im going to live, because lifes too short, and then just as the movie awakenings OCD, comes back crippling depression and I go back to the sunken state, the catatonic state as depicted in the movie, but for a MOMENT, brief Moments I was happy, I had some joy. Please dont give cliches here, If people reply Ive heard them all before, "It can get better" Yes, maybe it can, but also, it only gets better in this distorted version of what my life is, as to what It SHOULD BE. and thats something I struggle to accept. I just dont know why these things have happened to me, I dont know why I cant find the self assurance that other people have, I dont know why I have to have a problem that questions who I AM, and has lead to me doing stupid things that reinforce the doubts, I dont know why after all that, Im still given other problems by God or fate, or whatever, that I never imagined I would have. It just doesnt seem fair and it makes me want to die, just to spite this world, and everyone that let me down. Im sorry for this negative post but, its just how I feel, and Ive been feeling for a year or so now. I feel like the only thing that might give my life any meaning now is death, Im just tired, im tired of having to fight of having to struggle. Sigh, thanks for reading.
  6. There you go ... a reminder that checking, a compulsion, backfires.
  7. I'm glad I can help I don't think there would be anything wrong with seeing a psychiatrist, medication can be a helpful tool for many of us in living with/recovering from OCD. Its worth keeping in mind that a decision to try medication is not a permanent commitment, if you want to try later to go at it with out medication you can always do that. Its also important to know that its not going to be a miracle cure. How well it works will vary from person to person and medication to medication, don't expect immediate relief. It may take time to find the right type and dosage level that suits you best. Unfortunately like a lot of OCD recovery, patience is necessary. As to the therapy, you don't have to understand it all at once, its like learning anything, it takes time to take it all in. Thats why most therapy isn't simply a one time experience, you have follow up sessions to improve your understanding, discussion your situation and how its changing, reevaluate the steps, etc. You don't have to get it perfectly right the first time (or ever really). As PB says, no one does the right thing every time. Thats definitely true when it comes to recovery from OCD in my experience! The goal isn't to be perfect, the goal is to improve. If you can go from spending 10 hours a day on compulsions to 9 hours a day, thats an improvement! If you can go from washing your hands 6 times after every toilet visit to 5 times, thats an improvement! If you can go from ruminating right away, to putting off ruminating for 5 minutes, thats an improvement. As for reassurance, this is an area a lot of people misunderstand. Reassurance isn't inherently bad. In fact, it can do a lot of good. If you are having a bad day, it can help for someone to say something positive. It can help to ask someone if you are doing something correctly (and be told yes). Recovery from OCD does not require never ever getting reassurance ever again any more than it requires never washing your hands again. Reassurance becomes a problem when it becomes COMPULSIVE reassurance. When you seek it out over and over. When you get an answer but go back because you don't feel "sure", etc. Its important to reduce reassurance seeking as a compulsion from OCD, but you don't have to go straight to zero assurance for the rest of your life, I think that would be a bad thing. Again its about making progress. Right now you should focus on reducing the amount you seek reassurance and the time spent on reassurance. The more you can do it the better, of course, but even if you go from asking for reassurance every time you have an intrusive thought to every other time you have an intrusive thought, thats an improvement. The big caveat is that you have to keep trying to reduce the amount of times. You can't just get to 50% and call it good. And you can't simply give up and not even try once you've resisted once or twice. You have to TRY at least a little to resist as often as possible. Failing isn't great, but its not the end of the world either. You just try to do better the next time. None of us are Superman, we can't leap tall buildings in a single bound. But it doesn't mean you can't get over something tall (like a mountain) by slowly climbing up it. So climb that mountain, slowly at first if necessary, but keep trying to push forward. Before you know it all those small achievements add up into bigger ones.
  8. Never seek reassurance from yourself or others. Instead, tell yourself the worst will happen, is happening, or has already happened. Reassurance will cancel out the effects of any therapy homework you use it on and prevent you from improving. Reassurance-seeking is a compulsion, no matter how you may try to justify it.
  9. If you think you can do it or you think you canโ€™t do it you are right.

  10. If you think you can do it or you think you canโ€™t do it you are right.
  11. Nobody just does the right things, Nikki. You try, you fail, you try again, you fail again, you succeed, you fail. On it goes. Progress comes in fits and spurts. But, you eventually get it. And it suddenly gets easier. Although we all say recovery is relatively simple, it is by no means easy. It's really hard. Perhaps the biggest thing is just to try.
  12. Iโ€™ve done this before, I think I have. But perhaps I did it after a feeling of reassurance in hindsight so maybe not. Iโ€™m just asking but despite your deepest fear did you bite the bullet anyway and recover? And do it without reassurance and do the right things?
  13. Thanks so much Dksea. I always really enjoy your posts and find them very informative and somehow seem to resonate with me. I am thinking now should I see a Psychiatrist and get some more help. My father thought I wasnโ€™t really absorbing what was being said today in therapy and that the Therapist was rambling a bit. Iโ€™m not sure what to do as I am feeling a deep depression and exhaustion with all of this too.
  14. Welcome to the forums @intothewild, congrats on your first post! It can be scary opening up about your OCD, so that alone is a good step forward. Existential and solipsist intrusive thoughts are not at all rare when it comes to OCD, it comes up quite a bit actually. So rest assured you are not the first to deal with this problem and you can overcome it. Have you had any formal diagnosis of OCD? Have you done, or are you doing, any current treatment for OCD? We are happy to help but I don't want to repeat what you already know
  15. I'm sorry to hear that, it really sucks that you aren't getting more support. Unfortunately we can't force people to change, we can only encourage them to. In the meantime, as hard as it is, you still have to deal with OCD. Its understandable to be frustrated/angry/dissapointed with your family and it would be better if they were more supportive, but since you can't change that you have to move forward with your recovery as best you can with what little support they give. Like PB I wish it was different, but since its not, you've got to do what you've got to do. Try to focus on recovery, on the goals you set with your therapist, on making the small changes and achieving the small victories that will lead to bigger ones. You can do this! Your family may not understand or support you, but we do.
  16. Sounds like a therapist who knows what he is talking about when it comes to OCD! This is one of the things we've been trying to help you understand, the specific content of your fears doesn't ACTUALLY matter. Yes it seems important to you, but thats an illusion, a lie. The reason you have this particular fear is due to an accident of timing. Yes, it seems important to you, and absolutely it scares you, but part of recovery is choosing to treat the specific contents of the fear as unimportant. And taking it one step at a time is the right approach. I know (from your later posts) you have some doubts, but I think this therapist is definitely on the right track and think you should trust him more.
  17. Yesterday
  18. It sucks. OCD is not taken seriously and itโ€™s no. 10 in the WHOโ€™s list of most disabling illnesses!!
  19. You said there's stuff all over your room. Faulty OCD thinking. It's simply not true. That's what part of your brain wants you to believe but you can choose to ignore it. I mean, come on. You're an average guy. You aren't covered in poop from head to toe. You aren't more poop susceptible than anyone else. By the way, stop smelling your fingers. It's a compulsion.
  20. I did, I did indeed. So much bothers me at the moment including my familyโ€™s casual approach to the fact Iโ€™m not feeling well. My sister had bipolar and she was wrapped in cotton wool and Iโ€™ve always been told just get over it and here I am 30 years later hemmed up with symptoms again.
  21. I here ya. But I'm not sure how you get to that place without trying, repeatedly. You did do it once before.
  22. Your therspist was not right for you then. The content of the obsessions is irrelevant. All forms of OCD are treated the same way.
  23. I agree with you but perhaps Iโ€™m just not in that place.
  24. Oh I know, Nikki, but you do resist what you are being told. You never know. A new med might help.
  25. Well maybe Iโ€™m depressed and itโ€™s not that easy, I donโ€™t choose to be like this. Days, weeks, months... I donโ€™t even see them anymore...
  26. Well, Nicky, we've been telling you what you need to do for weeks and it hasn't sunk in. Now whose problem is that?
  27. You've had dread for years about your dog and other things and nothing has happened. I think the communication line between you and god is broken.
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