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  2. Thank you, PolarBear! To answer your question: I'll be honest, I want to move on because living with this immense guilt and shame for the rest of my life would be devastating for me, I would have a life of horror, and probably die from too much pain. But at the same time, I'm too scared to allow myself to move on as there are these questions in my head, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but always there, which sound something like this: 'Okay, I move on, I'll try to have a normal life. But what if that's a mistake, and I let something monstrous go (even when I've been told otherwise numerous times)? What if I actually should pay for what I did, but I choose not to?' So, to sum up, I want to move on but at the same time I don't because I'm scared that's a mistake. This is a bit confusing. I'm sorry about that. Once again, thank you for your continuous help!
  3. Hi Felix, Thank you for sticking with me. I don't want to sound stupid or mean but I'm a bit confused with your answer. I apologise about that.
  4. Today
  5. But what if it wasn't a random junk thought? Can this thought I had "that I've access something terrible online in relation to CP" come from a real event that was seeing the word CP on a Wikipedia page? Why would it change to the first thought? Also I'm not sure if you can answer this but your opinion really matters. If you were to have done something like that wouldn't you remeber doing something such taboo as that? I suppose this is asking for reassurance and possible a compulsion but I'd really like to know other views on that question. Can I ask how you ended up here and supporting and helping all these people. I understand and respect if not as it could be a trigger. Thanks Chris
  6. You don't start developing a paraphilia. You either have it, or you don't.
  7. Yesterday
  8. Hi Cora, No, you are not in a good state of mind and you really need someone in person, via your GP to show you the way out of this! With regards to your question, there is no yes or no answer without your mind going into overdrive thinking the worst, & you descending deeper down a whole new avenue, & for your sake, I hope nobody does answer either way. You are in a kind of "double bind" with compulsions! You think that you can see a way out yourself, but all you are doing is playing the OCD game & losing every time! You need someone to show you what is happening, & teach you that that there is another way to deal with all this. I am sure it will, but you need to be honest and open with them! Take care.
  9. No, because non-OCD people easily dismiss random, junk thoughts. They don't pay attention to them. You are allowing a word, a collection of letters, to have control over you. It's just a word. Typing it does not make you one. It is OCD because you have obsessions, distress and compulsions, all wrapped up in doubt. You don't see it because your mind overcomplicates what is going on. And having doubt about having OCD is a classic OCD symptom.
  10. Always does feel awful. OCD is never fun. The question is, are you going to give the thoughts attention, which guarantees they will stick around, or are you going to set them aside and focus on what you should be doing?
  11. When you take CBT, you learn how to properly deal with current and future obsessions. So anytime is a good time to learn. Reading self help books is really pointless unless you put into practice what you learn. Recovery requires you to be active, not passive.
  12. The question is, are you going to allow yourself to move on? You can't expect us to give you permission to do so. It doesn't work that way. You do not have to see your situation the way we do. I fully expect you won't see reality for some time. You don't need to believe before you take steps to get past this. You take a leap of faith and you begin. It's no different than plastering a smile on your face before going out with family or friends whrn you'd prefer to lay on the couch and mope.
  13. Hi, I'm back with a question. I've calmed down and I'm starting to see things a bit differently (just a tiny bit though, I'm still hurting a lot, and still finding it hard to see what other people see). I know I mentioned that my only option was suicide but unfortunately no matter how much I want to end all of this I don't think I could do it as I know I would hurt my boyfriend, brother and parents (I thought of what @cashewnutsandraisinssaid). Well, here comes the question. Now that you know all my darkest secrets of my story, do you think I'm allowed to move on? I'm asking you because I can't find an answer in my head as I still see myself as a terrible person with no morals. I know that this is probably a stupid question, and maybe I should try and figure out my dilemma on my own, but unfortunately, I'm not in a very good state of mind, as you can already tell. Many thanks in advance! And once again, thank you for everything you've done for me!
  14. thank you so much for your response! it's an interesting analysis and it really helped me, thank you
  15. i'm aware they were compulsions but i still did it, sometimes i can't stop myself
  16. Thanks! That puts a lot in perspective! I still think it’s a bit weird though, for example about 4 hours ago I was watching a movie about arcade games in the car then when I arrived at my hotel someone was playing the Pac-Man sound. But your comment has been helpful so thank you.
  17. It is a common line in cop movies - I do not believe in coincidences. A false statement. In a room of 23 people the chances that two people have the same birthday is 50/50. Science and statistics prove that coincidences are common. There are probably many links between watching a film and and reading an article - your mind plucked out one in terms of a disease. And what about times when you brain does not perceive a link?
  18. Thanks! I saw a theripist for 9 sessions, they ended about 2 months ago as they are limited to 9. They are going to check back in about 3 months or so.
  19. It’s not strange. If you look hard enough you’ll find coincidences everywhere. Statistically speaking, I’d be surprised if there weren’t coincidences. The issue is you - thinking there is meaning there. Sorry - but it has to be said. You need to listen and stop it. Or at least recognise that you have an issue. 😊 Have you seen your GP? If it makes you feel better - I see issues too where there clearly aren’t any. Albeit in a totally different way to what you describe. I have to ignore it the best I can and be strong.
  20. Thank you @Lollipop and @UpsAndDowns ! I really appreciate the support. Yesterday was challenging. I encountered some unexpected triggers while doing laundry and my anxiety levels ended up going up to around 50. I kept on track pretty good despite it though, so was happy with the result. Didn't shower afterward which actually wasn't a challenge at all after encountering the other triggers which redirected my anxiety, but managed to keep all cleaning to a reasonable amount and carried on with my day. Posting here is really helping to remind me to keep at it and not to resort to extra rituals. Today's focus will be keeping the hand-washing to one round of soap each time.
  21. Thank you so much, @felix4, @cashewnutsandraisins and @Chris2020! I dont think calling the GP will change anything, but I will try. Once again, thank you! I am really grateful for your support and help. I felt alone and desperate for a good part of the day, but having your replies and support has definitely made me feel a bit better.
  22. Yes I always find the longer waits for getting proper help terrible! I wish there was much more emphasis on letting people access proper CBT! Anyhow, as you say, an excellent step in the right direction and in the meantime you can continue doing the self-help and getting support here. Thank you!--just about to post an update
  23. I am in the same boat to be honest. I have also just self referred myself and have been offered CBT and there is a waiting list. I have some self help books I am going to read but I have also been trying to use some of the techniques I was taught in my first bout of CBT. I also have, just today, found a podcast on this where the lady, an ex ocd sufferer speaks about it and i have found the first couple extremely helpful and informative! Everything she talks about resonates immensely! Try searching for OCD Recovery on spotify! 😊
  24. Hi Cora, You really NEED to contact your GP and seek urgent help with this ASAP! Be open with him or her, & tell them about the crying, harming yourself, & talk of suicide! Ideally, they will then contact your local mental health team and get the ball rolling with CBT, & so on, and regularly monitor your situation. Please take care!
  25. Hi @PolarBear, @Imhotep, @dksea and @malina Thank you all so much for your advice here (and not judging my stupid questions!). I really value all of the different perspectives and whilst I hope this could be something that I could knock on the head once and for all, I'm also trying to be realistic and anticipate that it will be a management thing long term. It occured to me that I first had issues when I was blighted with intrusive sexual thoughts as a child (around 8 years old or so) and had to confess to my mum every single time it happened because I felt so guilty. Given that I'm now 33 and only just came to realise that how I've been/how I am seems to align incredibly closely with OCD, well then it's been a long term approx 25 year old condition as it is. Which is scary when I realise that. I'm trying to educate - self help books and all that, taking advice from the forums - and have just found out I'm now on a CBT waiting list. I seem to go through phases of having different obsessions - does anyone else relate to that? - and i'm just hoping that as I move into the future, I will be able to manage myself and not be afraid of when the next bout of OCD will emerge and what it will centre on, as well as just overall getting a grip on my over-worrying, over-thinking and ruminating, which has definitely be a constant feature.
  26. I know it sounds ridiculous and it probably is. It’s just that random events keep happening that seem linked. For example I had been thinking about something for a few weeks but yesterday I watched two movies which had scenes in that where about what I was thinking. Afterwards I read an article and there was mention of Parkinson’s disease, which a actor in one of the movies later had. Then in another article it mentioned pirates, and I had watched a pirate movie the night before. It just all seems strange.
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