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  1. Today
  2. Unfortunately recovery isn't an easily quantifiable process, you can't just follow a list like: avoid compulsions for 7 days and the anxiety will go away. Some intrusive thoughts are stronger than others, some compulsions are easier to stop than others, some compulsions are easier to identify than others. In my own life I've had some intrusive thoughts that only impacted me for a short time, and some that lasted for years and years before I started getting a handle on them (and really getting in to CBT, I wish I'd known about that a lot earlier). Of course its frustrating to struggle with recovery for any length of time, we all want to feel better/normal NOW. But OCD recovery is a marathon not a sprint, it takes time. Try your best to be patient with yourself and your journey. Be proud of the progress you are making and the learning you are doing. You'll keep getting better and before you realize it youll reach your goals.
  3. Because you are a good person and you don't WANT to be having those kind of thoughts. Intrusive thoughts cause distress, and shame is one example of that.
  4. Except thats not the choice you have to make, the choice isn't: Stay the same and stay alive OR Die The choice is Stay the same and keep suffering (and probably get worse) OR Get help and get better. And I'd prefer to live a long and healthy life than be struck by lighting, but that doesn't mean its reasonable or realistic for me to stay inside and avoid even the slightest possibility of being struck by lightning. You are massively over exaggerating the chances that some stray comment by a psychiatrist will result in you becoming suicidal and willing to endure endless REAL suffering on a daily basis because of it. While that is, I suppose, your choice, it is not a very logical or wise one. It's like saying you don't want to go on the trip of a lifetime because there is at least some possibility the plane could crash and you could die. You could also die if you never get on the plane, in fact you will someday. Same with this, you could drop dead from an aneurysm tomorrow. What then? Sure you didn't become suicidal, but you also suffered needlesly, and in the end you still died. It IS scary to accept the unknown and try something different, I understand that fear, but trust me when I say its worse to keep suffering. The fear you are living in is far far worse than what happens when you get help, even doing things like ERP. Your life could be so much better, you are missing out on so much right now that you could be enjoying. I really hope you will reconsider.
  5. Sounds like a wise idea! I think you are already doing a much better job at dealing with this than a lot of people! Hopefully in time your daughters recovery progress will be more noticeable so you can see what a difference you are making in her life
  6. Visiting my family and friends back in the States! Was planning to go home for Christmas, but thats off the table this year.
  7. Hey Cora, Hope you’re okay, I’m going through a rough patch at the moment so just wanted to know you’re not alone. x
  8. I'm sorry to do this but I really need to share this with you. I was watching the haunting of hill house, and there are lots of children in the show. I kept getting disgusting feelings and sensations. I also had this excitment feeling in me as well, which scares me as much as the arousal feelings. I don't know how to describe it better, but it feels like I'm enjoying being this person - a pervert and a monster. I'm ashamed to say this, but recently I've been experiencing very weird feelings around animals too. And I don't know how to deal with this on top of everything else. Why do I have to be like this?! I just don't get it!
  9. Yes Roy in our Costa there is no outside seating belonging to Costa.
  10. Yeh. You have to be in our Costa on Sunday when it opens to get a seat. Later, no seats other than outside.
  11. A holiday! More seating in cafes and restaurants
  12. So this may get lengthy but I feel it will help me put things into perspective and to tell myself they are just thoughts. I would say it began around the time I was 17 and was triggered by an unwanted sexual advance by a friend. It was around this time that I began to discover my own sexuality and coming to terms with the fact I was gay. The way that he treated me and the confusion of what had happened led me to become a bit of a shut-in and reject any requests to out with friends. This left me feeling alone and questioning "Why didn't I enjoy it?", "I am attracted to him and had a crush on him so why did I feel so bad about it?" and other such mental questions which just seemed to go round and round and never ended. Perhaps one of the worse parts was that he was in my class so I had to interact with him regularly so I was also questioning why he did that but didn't like me or want to do anything else sexual. I think a few days after or perhaps even less, I distinctly remember walking to college and having the strongest urge to jump into an oncoming car because I just couldn't take the mental strain of, not only why I was thinking and feeling all these things but, having to see him again. I never really got an answer as to why he did what he did but I did come to the conclusion that he was young and experimental and he wasn't trying to cause harm, just one of those dumb things. Through all this pain, I began not going to classes and missing assignments so college really fell down the drain and gave me this sense that I couldn't really do anything or wasn't smart enough to finish college. All the ruminating was incredibly self-destructive and really set my self-esteem on fire and my family could see what was going on but didn't understand why it was happening as I had no idea how to tell them about what had happened and didn't understand why I should do so. I still hadn't come out to them then so it was another hurdle before I could even discuss the trauma I'd been dealt. My 18th birthday had come around and what most 18 y/o's would do at that time I also did. The majority of my friends, however, had birthdays way after mine as mines in September which is rather early. I had the desire to go to a gay bar and experience what it was like to be around more gay people and perhaps get to know some of them. With no one to go with, I decided to go by myself which was a rather big mistake. I'd met a guy at the bar and he seemed nice, was buying me drinks which felt great. I'd not felt that warm feeling of being wanted by another gay guy with the possibility of relationship (I was naive.) After more drinks we decided we'd go somewhere to sleep. We couldn't stay at his parents so I suggested we go to mine. I was excited to be going home with a guy but was getting pretty tired, he had asked for sex but I told him I'd want to get to know him better plus I had no experience whatsoever. Once we get back to mine, I really just wanted to sleep but he still wanted more. With his promises of getting to know each other better and other words to get me to have sex I'd agreed but was still very hesitant. Once again it was something that I really didn't want. I remember during the act just looking at the door hoping someone would hear us to stop us. The feelings of rejection from before influenced my decision making in that moment and led me to a path of disrespect for myself and once again I was traumatised by a sexual experience. This leads up to a moment that really confused me and set off my ruminations into overdrive as I really didn't know who to talk about with this. I was sitting in the garden just watching my mother tending to the garden and our two dogs running around and playing when the bigger of the two, Coco, came to me to be fussed and went in-between my legs. This gave me a great deal of arousal which I had no idea how to deal with and created so many questions in my head and just how or why I felt that. Over the course of a 3-4 years I would frequently get disturbing thoughts and feelings which I felt I could never discuss which severely hindered any chance of a close relationship, whether it be a friend or lover. When going in the process of college to go to uni I got talking with a guy on tinder and really got on well with him. We'd dated for around 6 months which was great but due to the wall I'd created in my mind any sexual or really intimate situations were hindered and cut short. It was after a long thought sessions over a few weeks that I'd try to tell him about what was going on in my mind and why any sex wasn't happening. The pressure I'd placed upon myself and the years long pressure I'd built up in my mind led to a horrible situation where I felt I was a monster with disturbing and disgusting thoughts. This was all blurted out to him in a tirade of crying and sobbing like a dam had just been destroyed with the chance of a relationship being a small town down the river. It didn't end well. Over the next 3/4 of a year I tried to understand what was going on in my mind all the while believing all these thoughts that were going through my head and trying to come to terms with the disturbing person that I was. This led to me trying to tell my friends and roommates that I was attracted to dogs and that I may be a P because of the thoughts that I had. They did not take this well either. I will say that this didn't occur over night and was a steady stream of information over those months. I now know that I was trying to 'confess' and that each bit of information I was 'confessing' was in the hope that it would alleviate the doubts and questions, which it obviously didn't. One of my roommates in particular had a mental disorder which I felt i could relate to at the time, though I didn't know why then. We got along great and I would try to 'confess' to him about certain thoughts and feelings that were going on in my mind. Whilst this is fine it was often the way I went about telling him or wanted to tell him that made things worse. I would often not want to talk about it after arranging to meetup and talk. The straw that broke the camels back was when I wanted to talk to him to 'confess' and I'd messaged him that I wanted to talk to him about the thoughts and feelings. This wouldn't be until later however and in that time his own thoughts were going round and had gone to pretty bad places which led him to assume the worse, which is something he warned me about in advance and is related to his mental disorder but I'd thrown out that advice as I felt I'd found the right bit of information to tell him. By the time we got to talking he was incredibly agitated and was quite loud and my other roommate had overheard our conversation about the disturbing thoughts. This then led to my other roommates finding out which had freaked them all out. This led them to plan to call the police on me, though I didn't exactly know this their behaviour was hard to miss when they intentionally left the room when I got back. Rather than cause a scene and have the police come to the house I had decided to take things into my own hands and walked to the police station myself. I sat outside and under a bus shelter and called my mother and told her what was going on in my mind and that I'm going to the police to confess. I also did this with my friends, the guy I'd been dating, my brother and my father. After this I walked to the police station and told them that I needed to confess to something horrible. I really felt that I had to go to prison to make an example of myself and to save all dogs around the world from people like me. They felt that I hadn't done anything to warrant an arrest which I remember feeling incredibly disappointed by. I still felt like a martyr, somebody that could save the world with this one realisation that I'd had. What actually was going on was I was in the middle of a massive mental breakdown and no amount of talking to me or convincing me could change my mind on what was going to happen. It was one of the oddest feelings I've ever had and hope to never have it again. The days and weeks afterwards were filled with a lot of alcohol and fast food. I'd gained about a stone and a half in a month, I'd spent around £2500 of my student loan in about 3 weeks. Just complete self-destruction. Around 3 months after this mental breakdown my father had died in a car crash due to drunk driving on the motorway. I think he was going through some OCD related issues himself that never got resolved. In the 9 weeks that followed my fathers death I had though long and hard about why I was having such thoughts and feelings and realised that they weren't me and that I desperately needed help. I have since gotten OCD therapy and still struggle to this day but I'm in a decent part of my life. I'm back in college and have started a lower level course to help me learn and take time off if I need to without too much stress. There's a bit more but my neck is hurting from a tension headache and can't be bothered to write more. Thank you for reading my lengthy introduction
  13. Yesterday
  14. Yeah, but you might be free of this hell if you just asked for help. But it's your choice.
  15. Well, it's not much of a face. Lol. You shouldn't be looking at this at all. Not at all. 14 months is 14 months too long to have your mind stuck on a thought. And that's all this is, a thought. Can you get better without a professional? Maybe. An OCD therapist will walk you through what you need to do and urge you to do the work.
  16. Well then look, if you are not willing to listen to us (you haven't for five years) and you're not willing to see a psychiatrist, then you are doomed to continue living in the hell you have been in for a long time. That's it. Bottom line.
  17. Thank you, @PolarBear. I've managed to forget about what happened yesterday and move on. Unfortunately, something else happend. I would like to apologise beforehand for the details. While being intimate with my boyfriend, I had some random thoughts about children (nothing specific). At one point I felt that the only reason for me enjoying being intimate with my boyfirend was having those respective thoughts. And I'm saying that because they gave me a weird feeling of excitment. And now no matter how hard I try to remember whether the real reason for enjoying being with my boyfriend was having those thoughts or not, I just can't figure it out. A part of me thinks yes, that was the reason, but the other part really wants to believe that's false. I'm worried about the feeling of excitment I felt, and how it made me feel - unfortunately, as disgusting and gross as this is, I think it made me feel good sexually. I'm confused and can't seem to move on.
  18. @Ocd10 I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your last post before now. The obsession (currently) is that I will sexually abuse my 14 year old son. I guess my main compulsions are: thinking scenarios over and over again to check how I feel about them; worrying about future situations where I may be alone with my son (like when I take him to school); visualizing if I could/would lose control of myself. I am trying my best not to avoid my son, although there is that desire to just stay away to keep him safe. I know by avoiding him that won’t help things. But I get nervous when he is near, and I feel wrong and dirty sometimes. It’s heartbreaking because we have always been so close, and we have always been buddies. Now I just feel like our relationship is tainted. The thing is that I know I don’t desire to do these things, it’s almost more a fear that something will come over me that is out of my control, and that I will do something wrong. When these fears come upon me, it just makes me feel hopeless and scared, like I can visualize losing control, and that makes me feel like I have already done it. The shame and fear is so strong. I am really trying not to ruminate, but each time I tell myself that I won’t, I seem to get sucked back in by that voice in my head telling me that if it don’t, then I am not being vigilant enough and I won’t be ready for when the bad thoughts/urges hit me, and that then I will lose control.
  19. He's trudging back, still struggling with looping thoughts. But he's reappearing and hopes to get more minutes on the pitch
  20. Well done you've done great, be proud of yourself
  21. The groin reaction happens before any thoughts. I'm not sure what I think. I experience a sensation which causes me fear and terror. I then dwell on it and say to myself ''that's it I'm gay'' and this wave of depression hits me. I used to do many things but don't anymore. I used to imagine sex with a girl to see if it still aroused me and then compared it to thoughts of sex with a guy. Back then this reasured me I was straight and calmed me down a bit. Now I seem to the opposite reaction and feel even more hopeless. I also would have this urge to masturbate to see if it was a groinal or genuine arousal. I would test to gay v straight thoughts. Nowadays I'm tired of all that and just accept my fate but it makes me want to just hide away from the world and not see anyone, I also post on here when I am particularly stressed. I used to ask my mother what she thought.. I also try to avoid seeing topless men on tv for example avoiding watching Top Gun, and also avoid tv shows or films with gay characters or people. (I do not wish to be homophobic)
  22. Thank you Polar Bear. Ive been doing better lately. I dont k ow whether its the medication kicking in after a year but I find im not ruminating as much, not about what happened a year ago but about the fear of being arrested for something i have no memory of and my life being over. What i do find disturbing though is that i keep telling myself if i had done something so taboo surely something would of happened by now - 14 months on. I know this is the wrong way to think as im basically saying im guilty but its my only bit of real hope. Is it wrong or possibly normal to think this way? I feel terrible thinking this way but like im trying to see it from a realistic point of view if that makes sense. I have been counting the days since this all started an to be honest its been my biggest sort of reassurance because as each day passes nothing has happened. I find now tbough i need to wait atleast two years before i can start and try to let this go. I know though come after two years of me counting day the days it will then be three years. Can i ask your opinion on this or would this be reassurance? Also im awating CBT but it seems its going to be a while yet. Can one get better without the help of a professional? I feel as im getting slightly better but because im feeling this way its telling me this must not be OCD as I would need therapy to battle it. By the way your video was very helpful. Its good go put a face to your name. Chris
  23. Ok, what thoughts do you have when this happens? how do you try to find hope that this is not what you are fearing? Do you check (physically or mentally), seek reassurance from others & things around you, try to push the thought away etc.? Can you think of any more? catherine
  24. I get an instant and powerful sensation overwhelming my groin like sexual arousal energy and I feel fear and dread like I've just discovered a cencerous lump. My heart starts beating faster suddenly feel very anxious and my heart then sinks. I consider this is proof I am sexually aroused by men. It feels like I am being raped yet getting aroused by the rapist. (I do not mean this to be offensive to gay people) To make myself feel better I try to find hope that this is not what I am fearing and may be ocd groinal response.
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