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Atlantis

Bulletin Board User
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  1. Hi, I'm more or less new to the board having posted a few items in the last week. I've suffered from OCD for roughly 20 years, since I was about 5. It started off with the checking taps were off, being clean washing hands etc till I hit my teens, about the age of 15 it moved to a phobia about HIV/AIDS, checking everywhere I went for syringes before I could relax, "imaginary blood" everywhere, asking girls if they had blood in their mouth before I "copped off " with them. When I was in uni, it moved to fear of harming others, bad thoughts, religous issue which culminted in me constantly praying all the time. Then it went away, or at least was at a low frequency and managable. Then I met a girl, settled down and got a decent job, as soon as things were looking up, it came back in the form of intrusive thoughts whilst I was with my then girlfriend, they would be images of her best mate (who was fit) but I didn't want her in my head to the extent she was, the worst thing was I always had to confess this to my girlfriend which of course she didn't like. But the compulsions to confess were too powerful. Then it switched back to fear of harming others & to my total terror, I was afraid to be around kids. It started with a fear of being inappropriate, which in about 3 months had me off work & housebound, afraid to go out in the day time etc. I always thought that if I was in close proximity to adults or kids that any movement I made was a move to harm them. I still get this now, i.e. the other day I was going to a shop to get a pack of smokes, but before I went in I was scanning the area for kids, making sure it was safe for ME to go in. I walked in, queued up, and kept looking behind me, making sure - like an SAS operation. I got my stuff, and went to leave the shop and sure enough, this kid ran round the corner & stopped dead in the doorway as I was coming out. As my foot hit the step to walk out I had the thought "I am moving my leg forward to brush it against the kid in an inappropriate place" - now I recognised that as OCD, but in what must have been a nano second later, I thought to myself "I am really going to do this" & carried on moving forward towards the kid- it felt horrible, it felt that I had finally snapped and this time it was going to happen, moreover I had it in my head that the kid was going to run into my knee and it would hit her in between the legs ( how could that happen?) so I just fixed my knee in that position as if waiting for that to happen. But nothing happened and no contact was made as the kid just ran off, completely unaware as she was messing about fighting with her other mate. I then proceeded to go home, have a huge panic attack of guilt, and then threw up. I have spoke to OCD helplines about this, who said that they'd heard it all before from other sufferers, plus my £50 a sodding hour counsellor who said that it's all blown up in my head cos of the OCD, and more importantly that I don't fit any profile of any perpetrator, because he has worked with them and that I am the polar opposite. Now looking back at the shop incident, although I thought first of all that I was going to do something bad, and then went along with that thought and carried on moving forward, my movements were probably nothing at all, exaggerated by the OCD, cos when I look back in a calmer state of mind, I don't really see myself making contact, because I've had it before where I moved to cause harm, but then just stopped and brushed it off as OCD mind games, but cos the kid moved first, that left a sea of "what if's?" waiting to be ruminated on. Plus there's the unrealistic thinking the kid was going to run into my knee with a certain part of her body??? What I can't cope with though is the thought of the OCD pushing me to the limit, because if contact would've been made in that incident, then it would have been the end of me, I would've committed suicide in the blink of an eye, in fact as I crossed the road from that shop, I deliberately walked out into the oncoming traffic & came very close to getting knocked over. I just feel that this bloody incident has put black clouds over the rest of my life, it prevents me from ever getting into a successful relationship, either because the girl doesnt understand or I **** it up by opening my mouth. if anyone has had an incident similar to my one in the shop with the kid, please let me know, because right now, I don't even feel human. sorry this was long The OC-DJ X
  2. I wish I could get into the ring with OCD, I hate reading about what it does to us all whether we physically self harm, or pyschologically self harm by thinking we are bad people. I think its mad how we can all sort each other's heads out but not our own, I can advise someone, but I can't advise myself? I remember when I was 14 , I used to have to do a series of rituals before bed, and I'd be up so late before I finally got into bed, this went on for about 4 years leading up to just before my 15th birthday, and then I just stopped mid-ritual & said to myself "I'm not being this way anymore" and I climbed into bed & ignored all compulsive urges. In a way I think I got over it there and then because I was rebelling against something I didn't want to be doing, and used the rebel in me to fight it. OK so I was only free for about a year, but when OCD did come back it had switched to another topic,. Now I'm approaching 30 and I wish I had that rebellious 14 year old mentality knocking around in me still, cos I'd try and approach my new obsessive ruminating with the "No, I am not thinking about this today...! " and try and sustain the mental fightback. sorry if I rambled there. anyone still awake ? x
  3. Just make sure that whoever provides you with counselling isn't a "nodding dog" counsellor, I had one of those provided through my company, so decided to go to the NHS where I waited 10 months on a waiting list for CBT, and it turned out that who they provided was a nodding dog also. Then last summer I dug deep into my pocket and have started forking out for a £50 per hour bloke at a psychological therapies unit. He's got 20 years in the game but is still very up to date with the latest treatment. wishing you all the luck in the world x
  4. I have a fear of harming others OCD, sometimes if I am in close proximity to someone, could be anyone kids or adults, people I know, people I don't , the anxiety will kick in, and I will tense up my body, and almost try and move every limb out of the persons way. Sometimes, I'll have the thoughts racing round my head a million miles an hour, and one will stick out with me thinking "sod it" and my leg will flinch out, or an arm as if to hurt them, now the OCD is probably making these movements seem bigger than what they are, (as it blows everything out of proportion) leaving me feeling like I've moved to harm them, just because my thought process was saying "sod it, I don't care anymore, just do it" No contact is ever made, and I am not aiming for any particular part of the body, even more so wanting to make contact, cos that would just cause turmoil in my head. I just wondered if anyone knew why this was happening, muscle spasms maybe? If anyone has had similar kinds of experiences pls let me know. cheers peeps x
  5. I think you should answer her letters, don't let the OCD get in the way of you helping this girl out. It's a perfect oppurtunity to let the real you, the good person, beat off this OCD, by rising above it, so that you can shine through it and help this person out, easier said than done maybe, but how good will you feel if you pulled this off ?
  6. Hi there, It's just your OCD playing up thats all. Look at the evidence. Your intrusive thoughts and panic came in AFTER you had made contact and gone out to the park. You're intentions were purely innocent, and then somewhere along the line, the OCD kicks in with its intrusive thoughts which caused you to panic. It's unfortunate that your daughter never came because of the reason you stated, but I get like that with my ma, and I'm 29 (although I refused to go anywhere with my ma as a teenager) but that's just typical teenage outlook, but then you probably know that. Do try and stop worrying, you've done nothing wrong. Nothing at all. It's just your OCD kicking up stink over nothing, trying to get you on a guilt trip over something that you started off as innocent, but then IT pops up and tries to distort things, END RESULT: you feeling gulity & panicked but over something that was innocent. Also, the girls parents being psychiatrists, they would know OCD, and certainly understand it, so don't worry. Besides, how would they know you're symptoms if you didn't tell them ? And don't use the phrase "someone like me" because there's nothing wrong with ya sunshine. Don't worry, go and do something nice now & think about good things that you may have going on, stay focused for as long as possible on positive things. Then if / when you feel the urge to re-visit your worry in your mind, you will notice that the intrusive thoughts you were having , will have lost some of their poison. Then, carry on doing something else positive. if you need any more advice PM me. cheers Johnny x
  7. whats going on with the live chat? Everytime I try to go in it I get a message saying "not connected , hit the CONNECT tab" but there isn't one?
  8. I have the same OCD as you mate, fear of harming children, it's very hard to deal with especially as we are both the polar opposite of what the OCD likes to make us thing we could be / are going to be etc. My thoughts are that I am going to be inappropriate, especially around kids, so much so that I spent/spend most of my days avoiding situations where I would come into contact with them. This however is a bad thing, because it makes it worse when I do go out, sometimes, if I'm in close proximity to a kid, I get different levels of panic, like the thoughts will say "I am moving to cause them harm" then sometimes, I think to myself "I am going to cause them harm.." and I carry on moving in their direction. Nothing has ever happened though either because I've just stopped in my tracks and thought "ah, another OCD mind trick" and just ignored it, but there have been times where the kid has moved first, and I have panicked like hell thinking the classic "What if..?" the kid hadn't have moved, would I have done it etc etc.. But then I get home, and whether its an hour later or however long it has taken me to calm down about it, I run the situation through in my mind over and come to the conclusion that although I thought I was beyond the OCD, and moved as if I was going to do something horrible, in reality I probably wasn't. In stressful situations, the body muscles tense up, and therefore every slight movement gets exaggerated, and seems bigger than what it is, hence me feeling that I'm about to cause harm, when in reality, it's the thoughts making the physical movements larger than what they are. Now I have a good shrink who as worked with sex offenders, perpetrators, and he has to ram it down my throat on a weekly basis that I don't fit the profile of any of the above, but the OCD makes me doubt it, just like I used to doubt that i'd turned the tap off properly, that the gas fire was off, that I couldn't get AIDS off a toilet seat , kissing, cutting myself on fences the list goes on, the topics vary but the DOUBTS and the WHAT IF's which link all those topics mean one thing- It's all OCD. Don't avoid situations where there are kids as it re-inforces the the OCD which could turn into you having phobic responses like I do, I'd rather be trapped in a lift with a load of Man U fans than be in the city centre surrounded by kids, but I know I have to get out there and do whats called exposure therapy, so I get used to situations and relax in them, rather than getting stressed & tense which just brings on the irrational thoughts. if you ever want to compare notes or anything, feel free to PM or email me. hope this has helped ? take care
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