Phili

She has to work 16 hours a week or the job centre will stop her money, so I need another 10 hours, she’s the only one who has helped me make any progress.

There is a chance I will lose my PA and if I do it will be catastrophic

I recently bought a pair of dungarees and a cardigan I liked. The dungarees have mushrooms on them and the cardigan has big knitted flowers, but I’m still waiting on them in the wash. I put my cream on just now, I’ve not been doing it because I didn’t feel like it. I think my skin is improving. Even using the massager to put on the cream is a huge thing for me. it’s hard because of ADHD and executive dysfunction to even function and I’m guessing I’ve made improvements and changes but I just don’t see them. I want to Improve, I’m just scared of change, I’m scared of causing trouble or making things harder. I don’t know how to improve. It didn’t help that I haven’t got my chair and it really didn’t help that the head of the mental health team sat in my living room, told me I won’t get better and they offer palliative mental care. I’m only 40. My friend is 73 and she’s got more go in her little finger. I need a plan, my PA is super good at organising. I have to do things in simple step by step bullet points or I get confused and overwhelmed. @Snowbear, I’m reading and taking in everything you are saying, I have quoted you and was worried you might think I was ignoring you.

Sorry I was a long time, it’s just a lot to answer. I can’t have someone come in, I can’t stand up in front of people, I’ve only just managed to stand up in front of my PA, once. I can’t touch myself or look down, I haven’t been able to for ten years, I can’t just switch it off, it’s taken everything I have to put cream on. I’ve had these discussions but they don’t care, they don’t give me any solutions. I was don’t these ten little steps every time I went to the toilet, but I keep forgetting and I’ve tried everything to remember. I was doing arm exercises with my PA but she hasn’t been well and unable to do them, but I guess she doesn’t have to, so that’s something I can start again. I can’t lift my leg up off the bed because there is a table over it. I got myself a little sit down exercise machine but I never got the chair I was promised and now the OT has quit and they gave my grant to someone else and I have to reapply. my brother has got me a thing to sit on in the bathroom, that goes in the shower, but he as been suffering a lot mentally recently and it’s yet to be put in and I’ve no idea how to approach the issue with not being able to touch myself or look down. I can’t break the no point barrier.

I can’t stand up long enough or touch my breasts, I have to use a massager to apply cream

OK, is it OK if I read these out to my PA next week so she can help me?

I’m angry, I’m sick of my mind being like this. All these professionals and all I get out of them is “I don’t know” Why is my mind so paralysed. I sit he and I can’t do things and I don’t know why and no one can tell me.

It’s all I’ve worn since my mum passed 10 years ago, before that I wore a blanket. I don’t really have any other clothes. I’m not used to changing, I’ve never had clothes my whole life and buying them makes me feel depressed because of my low self esteem. I feel so lost and paralysed, I feel like I should be sleeping, I don’t know what to do.

I only wear my nightshirt. I don’t have any other clothes. I had my assessment yesterday with one of the mental health teams. I think it’s lucky for people that we do have more than one option here, though not so much for me because I’m complicated and the team best suited are the ones who turned me away for being disabled. The very nice lady needs to finish my assessment next week and then talk to her boss because I’m complex. It’s a shame they don’t do house visits anymore, online is so impersonal and harder for me to focus and it keeps freezing and I lose half of what’s being said, making it more stressful.

I got this great cream called meeyee, it’s all natural and it’s really helping my infection. I’m 40, in February, which was about when the skin thing started and sweating under the boobs, I also have PCOS and my period has been going for a good 3 months now

I’ve got a video call with a mental health person today, but nervous after the last service.

I’m trying to do little exercises whenever I go to the loo but I’ve been suffering with repetitive skin infections and I’m itchy and sore all the time. I’m just so tired all the time and have lost all care. I am trying, it’s just never works out.

I’ve been taking it for over a year now and the pregabalin was recently increased. Without it I have absolutely unbearable anxiety that doesn’t go away, accompanied by anxiety and panic attacks. My psychiatrist is very good, he tried to give me things that don’t have too many side effects, though I am beginning to worry about the, causing confusing and lack of concentration. I think all med make me sleepy, quintiapine in particular. I want to be able to concentrate so that I can write, I want to feel interest in things, even if it’s just my games, I want to care about my self care. These things sound so simple but I’m just failing all the time. I have a video call with a mental health team on Tuesday, the other team refused to treat me because I’m house bound, I was told “people who want therapy are resourceful enough to get here” despite the fact that I’ve been agoraphobic for 30 years and can’t stand for more than a minute or so and don’t have a wheel chair or any form of transport, that I’m terrified of people and doctors and they are at a clinic.

CMHT? im on the full dose of Venaflaxine and pregablin…as well as occasional quintiapine.

Everything is worse than ever, I’ve physically and mentally deteriorated. My OCD, both health and religious, is worse. I’m sleeping all the time, when I’m awake I just float, unable to function. If I’m awake for fours hours a day, it’s a lot, sometimes entire days pass and I don’t see them. I have no passion for anything, not even my own self care. I’m trying but there isn’t anything in the tank, not even fumes. every little annoyance is a huge dramatic thing that drains me completely. on top of autism I now have an ADHD diagnosis but even though it causes me to not function, no one is helping me. my brother is now on anti anxiety and anti depressants because he could no longer cope. Anne has colitis and when she went to the vet three weeks ago, she had a cluster seizure and has since been diagnosed with epilepsy and arthritis in both her back legs. I have skin infections from sweat and the itching is driving me insane. I’m treating it with cream but I can’t apply it properly and it’s triggering me all the time because it’s under my breasts. I don’t know what to do anymore.

No, it’s fine. I’ve not managed to change very much. I’m not behind a curtain anymore so that’s something. The trouble is I’ve stopped caring, I don’t care about anything. I want to write, i desperately want to write and create my fantasy world but I just can’t. I know that may not make sense, it certainly doesn’t to me, but I can’t. I can’t even read or look at the books I buy, it’s like my mind refuses to engage. I’m only talking now because I got extra low. currently my only comfort is Rudolph Valentino, who has helped me regain my interest in spiritualism and the astral plain. In mediums and healing crystals. Though, as ghosts were the catalyst of my first mental breakdown, I have to tread softly. Though I think that was just a timely convergence. A panic attack during most haunted and my OCD latched onto it. At the time I didn’t even know I had OCD. I had growing pains at the time. im on enough pills to make me rattle but they don’t help, they keep messing with the dosage. Now they won’t help me until the psychiatrist is back and that’s not until the end of the month. They are also taking away our autism social group that was once a month. I have no mental care. Social services have decided to dump all their responsibilities on my poor PA. I’ve bought a writing journal for creating stories, I was hoping my PA might be able to get me to work with it. I’ve also bought a thumb worry stone that helps with anxiety. It has several different crystals in it. My brother is also suffering from bad depression and poor Anne has colitis. Her meds are now £190 a month, for her allergies, her arthritis and now her colitis, which is apparently caused by stress. Which doesn’t surprise me. Dogs are so sensitive to others feelings. For instance I’ve had some belly troubles this year and she has associated our red bowl with me being sick, which scares her. She’s such a good girl. She’s been passing blood because of the colitis and that has caused huge amounts of stress. We have a really good and patient vet. She approached a cat the other day and poked it, which is a huge improvement from trying to eat them and she was really tolerant with the neighbours little dog, a little dog tried to bite her when she was a puppy. It got into the garden and Anne was hiding behind my brothers legs and the little dog was trying to attack her and he was keeping it away, ever since she hasn’t liked little dogs. She’s also conquered her fear of slugs, mostly, but not of the hoover or passing things like wires and bags. I’ve waffled, sorry.

No, I wait for death, I feel that will be the only time I can be free and happy. I don’t want to die, I can’t, I have my brother and my dog to take care of, otherwise, I would be gone. as Caramoole said, my life has been extremely complicated and pathetic. I believe I must have done something wrong in my last life and this one is a punishment for it. I spent my days sleeping as much as I can and when I am awake, usually about 6-7 hours a day, I eat something, because my brother makes me and I try not to make my anxiety worse but most of the time I sit feeling lost, confused, deeply sad, scared and unable to engage with anything.

Fear, ennui, depression, desperation, longing, despair…I can’t escape it. It’s constant, no matter what I do, it’s getting worse.

My friend, who also suffers with OCD, found this ladies videos helpful and so I thought I would share https://youtube.com/@23katied?si=fZvGlTZWGXscw1Xs

Hello! I’ve been really bad for months, particularly my sayings, I’ve been reduced to being able to do barely anything. My medication is constantly being changed, which hasn’t helped and I’m back to self harming. I’ve no mental health support and my autism and adhd gets worse the more stressed I get,

It started Monday, I woke up feeling mentally weird on Monday. I only drank 2 and a half pepsi the entire day and the next day was dehydrated. Im not sure if because of this the OCD latched onto it and I’m peeing before I need to so never actually getting to the point where I need to go. today I drank 1 and 3 quarters of 500ml bottles of water, one Pepsi and two pints of orange, since about 8 pm last night and I’ve barely peed. another dr Google page says it’s fine as long as you pee once a day. I have zero other symptoms

I’ve been on Dr. Google, I think I have kidney failure… my brother says the max I go to the toilet is four times if I have drunk loads, otherwise it’s about 2 or 3. im going for a pee but In small amounts but I’m going before I feel like I want to, so I suppose I could be never reaching wanting to because of that. Dr. Google says you need to pee 2 cups worth in 24 hours, so 400ml, I think I’ve done that because that would include yesterday, not from this morning, I’m panicking.

Bump

I can’t, I have an irrational fear of doctors and avoidance. everyone says it’s OCD and I’m just dehydrated. I peed just now normally. I’ve not pain or discomfort.

So, on Monday I only drank 2 and 1/4 cans of Pepsi from about 4am to about 8pm and I barely peed the whole day. Then I had some water. The next morning my pee really stank. On the 19th, I drank 2 and a 1/2 bottles of 50cl water from about 4am to 7am on the 20th. I peed five times on the 19th. Two normal weeks and three small or medium ones. Today I’ve drank 2 bottles of 50cl water since 7am until now but I’ve only peed twice, one normal wee and one small wee just now. I don’t pee a lot, usually 3 or four times a day but usually I’m bursting when I go. I admit that I have had some changes, I’ve not had Pepsi for two days and I’ve not been having cereal because of my tooth, I usually have a lot of milk, usually about half a pint+ im also hyper aware of my bladder so I’m feeling even the slightest fullness. everyone says I’m not drinking enough water but I’m scared. I don’t have any pain or discomfort. I feel fine. I have been ERPing my mouth but this is a lot harder. I’m also on my period. I know I was really dehydrated on Tuesday and I was likely dehydrated Monday as well. I also know that now I’m hyper aware so I’m emptying my bladder before it gets full, but I’m scared.