Phili

Thank you

I’ve just nothing in me. There is no motivation, no desire, no anything, I’m completely empty and numb but for regret and a longing I’ve no strength to pursue. I don’t know what to do. In a year I’m 40, I can’t cope with that, I’ve always been a child and now no one will care, I’m already being buried and forgotten, it’s all over, I’m so confused and so lost, there arn’t any answers and there is no magic in the world, it’s all mundane and beige, I’m so empty

I’m going to try an October prompt drawing thingy

But I do try, this morning I’m fighting my saying to draw without deleting but I achieve something and it’s always what’s next. I do well when I’m pleasing others but then

I don’t know how to answer, I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die. I don’t know how to fix not caring, I’m miserable but I’m empty. I do try but my sayings and anxiety they just beat me down and often I’m so confused, the day starts and it’s over and I don’t know what happened. I’ve always lived to please, I’m not important. Once I thought I was, thought I was talented, thought I had something to add to the world. I wanted to tell stories because I wanted to make people happy and I wanted to tell them and I thought I was good but then I realised that was an illusion that I was just pumping my own ego and over time o began to realise how small and insignificant I am, that I don’t matter, that I’m just a dot of sand and that the world is incredibly mundane and empty. Everything just seems brown and grey and I just feel like I’m haunting and I don’t know what to do and no one seems to understand or can explain why and why I can’t fix it

I do try but it Feels like no one thinks I’ll get better. The mental health woman said that some people arn’t meant to get better. I feel like no one thinks I try but o go backwards a lot. I do try but then no one seems to care. They say o have to do it for me and that’s a problem because I don’t understand that. If I had a magic wand I really want to be loved and write, that’s all I want.

But no one seems happy with such small goals. When I had my psychology assessment they said the OTs had sent a letter saying that they weren’t happy with my progress but I haven’t seen them for yonks. They ask things like, where do you see yourself in five years, I can’t even see tomorrow, I think I, going to die about five times a day. Although yesterday I nearly did, I swallowed a piece of cake, it got lodged in my throat and I couldn’t breathe for 10 - 15 seconds. i could cope with small goals but they always want bigger goals

People keep telling me to make goals but right now I can’t even draw or write. Most days I’m so confused I don’t know what to do. How can I make goals when I can’t even open a game or a document, write with a pen or draw?

I don’t know, I’m scared

It healed weeks ago. I’m afraid this is somewhat of an issue. He suffers with mental health issues as well. We also suffer with a lack of storage, he has bought a shelf unit and asked the lady from Pobl to help, so that’s a plus. Tidying for the shower still hasn’t been done and that’s been years, although the pandemic happened in the middle

Well I was under 22 stone but I’ve been stuffing my face a lot the last two weeks so I may have gone up a few pounds. My exercise is going nowhere, I’m waiting for my brother to clear the area for the chair, it’s taken over a year now, the chair was due to be delivered a few weeks ago but he threw out his back and the space has been filled up again. Nothing like that in our area unfortunately.

I can’t cuddle her the way my brother does, he can hug her, sit with her and she lays on the bed with him, I can only rub her chest and head and if she gets close enough I can give her a kiss, if I reach I can rub her belly. Also, she is so itchy you can barely touch her. She had a skin infection but when she came off the steroids her itching went into overdrive. She is starting new meds but we have to wait until the vet is in next Thursday. I hate seeing her so itchy. The meds are £80 a month so we are having to pool are resources, the vet has to do a home visit as well and they charge £106 just to walk through the door.

I would like to be functional at the minute, though I had some triumphs today, I touched an old book and my PA and haven’t wiped

Living. I can’t draw, I can’t write, I’m in constant fear, I’m a prisoner in my own body, I can’t even hug my dog or sit or sleep comfortably. I’ve no joy or interest in anything, I’m just scared and miserable

I don’t even know anymore