Phili

Hello?

No idea, never had an occupation I’m always nervous when talking to people at first in case they don’t like me And I worry people don’t like me, that bothers me a lot Intimate regards romance which I have no experience with Ot makes me nervous but I don’t have social situations, so I can’t tell Sont have interpersonal situations Personally unappealing, always, socially inept I actually am and inferior sometimes To a point but also because I’m scared I can’t get out the bed because I’ve no where else to go. The sofa is broke and no longer takes my weight. I haven’t gained but the sofa legs are in bad condition, I sat on the arm. Im scared and that’s why I lack personal care but also because I find it hard to engage with it. My whole purpose in life for ten years and more was not to make waves, not to be complicated, we didn’t have hot water so we couldn’t bathe regularly and I was never made to have a bath as a child, I regret terribly the lack of discipline I received as a child. Asking to wash always seemed like I would be causing a fuss. Sitting in one spot and making as less fuss as possible always seemed to be my roll, at least to me and I’m so used to it, it is like trying not to exist because that might cause issues.

I’m still bed bound...actually I haven’t improved much at all. I can’t even attempt to use the shower because it still isn’t fixed and I’m struggling to engage with the exercise. I can’t touch myself, I’m scared of my mouth, I’m scared to be seen unless it’s just my head, I’m terrified of my breasts. I guess that’s why I get attached to game characters, because not only are they attractive they have personalities that you learn. my diet is going well. I don’t eat half the things I used to. I’m down to five normal sized chocolate bars a week and I’m trying to reduce that. I’m trying to reduce what I eat even further but then I get depressed

Thank you, this has really helped.

Health, as usual

If you were racist, you wouldn’t be worried about it. It sounds to me that you have just had some culturally based bad habits. We pick up things from those around us and a lot of that for people over 30 are old fashioned points of view and language. Often even the person who passed them down didn’t know they were racist. For example. My mum worked in a dress shop in the 60s and was very fond of the Jamaicans that were coming over because they were so friendly and nice. A large framed Jamaican woman lived in the same tower block and would help mum with my brothers pram when the lifts were broke. My mum always referred to her and other large framed black women as pickaninny momma’s, it was a term of endearment on her part and she had no idea that it came from a racist stereotype. I was also raised around people not liking Pakistanis, this was based on some experiences of those people. For instance in the same tower block, my mum said, they would defalcate in the hallway. Well, rather than realising that these people grew up in shanty towns and had no idea about how things worked in the U.K., and that they were used to digging holes to go to the toilet in, people just thought they were dirty and this point of view spread. I never went with that point of view even as a child and hated the shortened version of Pakistani, I manège to get my mum not to use the term because I didn’t like it and would lecture her about why, but there are still people with that point of view that caught it off of their parents and family. I also grew up with other derogatory terms for Asians, Italians, Germans, French and so on, terms I never used and didn’t like but ones that people of my age group and older use without thinking about it being racist. A lot of the time people arn’t racist and just use these terms and jokes because the meaning has been lost and or they are so used to hearing them and saying them that they just don’t think. You arn’t racist, as I said, if you were then you wouldn’t be worrying about it but the fact that you are now challenging things that you said before as now not good enough shows how you have been impacted and how much you have grown as an individual, it’s a good thing but ruminating on it is not. We all have some prejudices, some are very valid, like cultures that think it’s OK to marry children or have slaves or treat women as property instead of people or kill people for being gay, but even in that, hate won’t get anything done, it’s education that you need to change things, some prejudices are born out of fear, ignorance and bad experiences. And by all I don’t just mean white people, everyone can be prejudice.

There is nothing redeeming about me, I’m fat, I’m piggy faced and I had abnormal hair growth because of my ovaries and I don’t take care of myself because of my OCD. No one wants someone like that, no one...

Bin

You realise it’s over, when the one thing you want in life is impossible? All my life I’ve only ever wanted two things, to write professionally and to have love and affection. Yet, I struggle to even write something down most days and love...my appearance, my physical weakness, my inability of self care my anxieties about my body, I’m no use to anyone. Plus, I seem to lack feelings of attraction. I look through lists of men just to see which ones I like and sure some are handsome but none of them are my type, am I just fussy? Even if they were, well those are celebs so...but even if they weren’t...I know this isn’t really OCD but I didn’t know where else to put it

Why am I suddenly so anxious and having anxiety attacks? My pills are the same but my OCD is through the roof and I’m really anxious.

I’m not in a good place

Bag

My anxiety is through the roof as is my paranoia. I got a sensitive patch at the top of my breast and this odd aching pain under my tongue that comes on every minute or so, which I’ve had for a few days. I think it’s due to tensing the muscle, which I can feel myself doing, even now. 0f course I’m also super aware of both. I can’t focus or concentrate and I feel In a daze.