Ocdinhants

Hi Everyone, Appreciate the warm welcome to the forum. ? @Doubt_It I had just 'assumed' that people that exhibited OCD symptoms perhaps had some 'event' in their younger life which drove them to avoid anxiety by performing the rituals. I guess we learn something new everyday and that was something I wasn't aware of, that it could just 'occur'. Don't apologise about sharing your life story, please carry on. it's good to share. @Polarbear Thanks for responding. I completely hear what you are saying about staying away from the compulsions, and I don't dwell on past wrongs. For the most part I just get on with things, but some elements of my daily routine have become amplified. For the most part things currently are not bad, but when the compulsion kicks in, it's almost a form of mindlessness, where I'm unable to break away. I don't expect talking therapies to be a magic elixir, and have tried CBT in the past. But now and again I find it helpful to draw up uncomfortable feelings that [for me] are probably the drivers behind it all and to just accept those feelings for what they are. If I can do that, my checking may subside without the underlying anxiety flaring up. But I am working towards that goal of 'stepping through' the compulsion rather than react to it. Morphing compulsions are certainly fascinating, I have zero urge to compulsively wash my hands or turn taps or light switches on and off 50 times as I did when i was much younger, so I know that it can be overcome. @Snowbear That is an excellent point. I quite often dive too much into psychological workings. I do find it sometimes helps as it mainly acts as a distraction too, so I can try and dismiss the urge with logic before the checking compulsion kicks in. But also hear [as @doubt_it said] that it this can happen to anyone regardless of background. A video I watched randomly the other week fascinated me. It was a news piece from the US about OCD, and the guy featured could not stop checking doors/taps/gas etc. My initial thought was how similar really we all are if our brains are dealing with whatever it's trying to manage in this manner. What would drive our rational mind to think that was an OK way of dealing with something? Anyway, just seeing that was like watching a mirror which gave me a bit of a reality check of seeking further help. But posting on this forum is also a relief in the fact I'm mirroring and reading my own thoughts, and others also trying to manage it. Appreciate your responses, hope this finds you all well. Apologies if I rambled a bit :-0

Hello there, First time forum poster. I'm currently managing OCD via a talking therapy, which as a man in his 40's manifests as checking [taps, gas, doors, the car when locking it etc] with occasional intrusive thoughts laced with an undertone of anxiety. My question to everyone is, over the years, have your rituals changed as you get older? Which to me would say that any ritual is just pointless. But I can't seem to stop, as I will explain. Between the ages of 12-19, I would say I had moderate to severe OCD....in the late 80s/early 90s before OCD was mainstream knowledge [I had the intrusive thoughts, was obsessed with thinking of symmetrical objects, staring at things until it felt good to look away, breath holding when hearing about death or something which could cause 'bad luck' to not 'ingest' the 'bad thing', touching people back lightly that had brushed past me, as if doing that somehow returned the lost energy I lost to that other person, repeating car number plates and phrases, the list goes on....]. People noticed I was being 'odd' but for the most part I hid this from everyone and didn't know why I was doing all this. Then at the age of around 18/19, after washing my hands for the 20th time in a row and turning the tap on and off for as many times, I just forced myself to stop. I think I challenged the sky to fall down if I stopped. Alas, the sky was still there. I would say that from my late teens/ early 20s I had a relatively 'normal' social life, although I always felt more anxious underneath than my appearance would suggest to other people. I pretty much forgot about that part of my life, then over the last 5 years, and especially over the last 2-3 years my OCD for checking seems to be on the increase. It has now spread from my home to the car....and work. Although it's not as bad it as it was when I was much younger, however, it is still there. Especially the counting during a check....and not stopping a check when on a certain number [6 and 13], or not looking away until it feels 'right' to do so from what i'm checking. I believe I broke my front door handle a few years ago from obsessively rattling the handle to make sure it was locked. I understand the background reasons..... some event in childhood [tick], bullied at school [tick], allowing yourself to have a negative view of yourself [tick].... Which likely caused an underlying anxiety issue [tick]. In some ways OCD is like an echo of a bully.... But in a really passive way 'if you don't do x then y will happen'. As if it knows 100% it's own truth. Then in my 20's I took up flying and got a pilots licence. But more recently [I don't fly currently] the OCD seems to be coming back. I know the logic behind it is right [safety], but the logic vs the feeling parts of the brain seem to be at odds with each other....... my brain doesn't trust it's own observations when I have to leave my home or the car or before going to bed. The thing is, once I've pulled away from checking and just get on with the day, I don't care about what I've checked once I've force myself to walk away. [there is a temporary surge of anxiety as it means facing the day ahead]. For a few moments when walking away I feel the urge to return to keep checking though, but it does go after a minute when that surge of anxiety drops. That urge though seems constant everyday. Quite often I enjoy the day ahead for the most part. I would be interested to hear from anyone else who might be in a similar situation [I know we all are] , where it seems to have made a resurgence, but not as it did when you were younger perhaps, despite helping yourself. I've read many things about anxiety/depression over the years to help myself, including researching and understanding the structure of the brain and how anxiety works. Despite having some wins very recently, the next day the 'urge or compulsion' when checking can literally take over in that moment, despite my logical brain saying 'it is OK, the tap/switch/oven etc is definitely off!'. It can literally feel like one step forward, two steps back. One habit I've recently broken to a large extent is taking pictures of the taps, light switches, oven hob etc before leaving my home or before going to bed. I still do if I'm going to a relatives for an extended time. I think I've deleted some 5000 photos from Google photos, but minimise it to one picture per item now. Quite often I would take 5+ photos of one tap...... Just to be 'sure'. The compulsions vary over time [sometimes strong, sometimes mild] and somewhere in my brain I've made false correlations. Something to the tune of " My life and health, and that of loved ones are OK so far due to these rituals" . And not wanting to upset a higher power by stopping completely. Or something to that tune. Anyway, I just wanted to share and would be interested to hear of people in a similar situation. I'm sure you're all fed up of these looping compulsions as I am.