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About Ironborn

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  1. I'm so so done with this stuff. I try my utmost best to deal with ocd. And sometimes I feel I'm doing better for a while. But at moments like this when I feel so down I just so done with everything. And what makes it worse is I got a gorgeous son right now, and I want to focus myself towards him and not this disease!!! It's making me so angry!!!
  2. Hi all, I know ive been visiting the forums a lot lately, and i know i have OCD etc. But one of my ocd themes or at least the most worst one i have is real event ocd. And now this has latched itself onto another thing from the past. I guess about 6 -7 years ago when i was like 23 -24 ish years old i used to go to this bodybuilding forum because i was very actively working out and stuff. On this forum they had a 18+ section with topics where people would post pictures of naked and semi naked woman, at the time i had a high sex dive and i would just go trough all those topics while masturbating (i feel ashamed saying this btw). But some or at least on or 2 of those topics also had what they called 'barely legal or jailbait' pics in them, at the time i did not think much of it since i did not really had any ocd or so... so when going trough these topics while i was masturbating i also did that when those 'barely legal or jailbait' pics came by. As far as i can remember i never went looking for pics or vids from younger woman specifically at the time, and i never have and still not felt really attracted to younger woman or girls if you would like to call it that way. But the fact remains that i did masturbate to a series of pics where also those pics im talking about here were in between and i revisited those topics a couple of times as well... knowing what kind of pics were there. All this flared up this morning after seeing a tv series where i man gets caught webcamming with an underaged girl. this suddenly made me go into panic mode and convincing me im a pedophile. In reaction to that i looked up some pics of adult woman to see if i could get aroused, and id did just to reassure myself. But im not convinced yet! Oh and btw, i searched the forums for 'jailbait' and could not find anything except a post i posted o nthe forums myself i nthe past, which makes me think im really a pedofhile since noone with ocd has ever seen that before. How do i deal with this? i could really need some advise please. im so anxious right now! PS: At this moment im looking up the forums again and trying to search for the topics i found all those years back if the pics really were that bad.. i just need to know!!
  3. I just cannot shake these 2 things out of my head; The cat. My wife does not want a third cat in the house since it gives her to much stress, this a dilemma for me, maybe the cat is better off somewhere else, but if she stays she might keeps me reminding of my ast mistakes, if she does goes somewhere else i might keep feeling guilty i never tried to keep her home, and thus gives me more guilt on top of the guilt i already experience from the past. The pigeon from 7 - 8 years ago. im trying to remember the situation, and know for certain if the pigeon has died, but i dont know. everything that im doing this voice pops up; How can i move on from this? it just keeps popping up in my midn the whole ******** time!! its driving me crazy. Everytime it pops up i try and ignore the thought in a peaceful manner, without judgement. but when it pops op for the 20th time in a 3 min period you eventually start listening to it and giving in. i feel so worthless, and feel like crying the whole time as if im a weak living being ready to get mauled by something. PS: im in therapyright now... for like the 100th time. im going to the best place for OCD and anxiety issues that our country has to offer and at times like this when i have a setback it feels like im back to start. and it just takes all the energy out of me. If it wasnt for my child and my marriage i dont know what i would want to be here for on this planet anymore. I jsut want to be that happy energetic person i was years ago, Where is that person? why am i such a scared little....
  4. Well, maybe the cat would be better off at an other place where she could get more attention then at our place where we are very busy with other stuff in life, but it just feels wrong. If she would move, I would still want to check in with her once in a while or would that be ocd to? Another topic that has been rising to the surface due to this event is; About 7 years ago I was driving my car trough a street at almost walking speed, at some point I saw a pigeon walking in front of me, and I was thinking I might just be able to get past it, but I also was quite careless at the time. once I went by it I saw all these feathers in the mirror and I felt bad for it but did not stop. I went on and never tought too much about it anymore. Until I got ocd a couple of years later, ever since this situation keeps coming back to my mind and I keep thinking I killed something, I just don't know how to cope with this. ive become a Vegan 2.5 years ago, and I love animals very much, but somehow nothing I do seems to take away the guilt I feel for my past. Sometimes I even feel I don't deserve to live because ive taken so many lives just for my pleasure (food) etc. But ive got a son right now who is to become one year old next week, and I want to be there for him.
  5. My wife has said now that she cannot handle a third cat in the house while we also have a little child. She is looking for an other family or person (one we know personally) to take care of her, but I feel resistance towards this which also has some ocd in it. at one point it feels not right for me because I really do care about the cat, and (losing) her a 2nd time just feels so sad, but I also feel like I would not be able to make amends to her, if she was already about leave us now. My wife thinks it will bring too much stress to our household if she would stay. We keep her in a separate room still and have not introduced her to our other 2 cats, but my wife also does not intend to do so, but instead find a good place for her right now and move her over as soon as possible. I do not think that somewhere else she could not be taken care of just as good or maybe even better than with us, but it just feels as if im throwing her away, while she has been part of our family for 5 years. back then it was just me and my now wife, and the cat. but while she was away we got 2 new cats and we got a son who is almost 1-year-old now btw. we are planning to expand our family soon as we are willing to have a second child next year, all this combined makes my wife feel like she can't handle this cat right now. I'm in a real conflict here, for what I should do. I know she probably would get more attention at the other place that my wife has been looking to transfer her to since we are going to have a busy family after expanding, but I could then never show the cat im sorry for the past and that she has always been in my heart.
  6. Hi all, Considering most of my ocd themes are about past doings etc etc, i started wondering how i can recognize that if i feel guilty, bad, sad, depressed or anxious about anything how much of it is actually a 'normal' emotion or behavior and when it becomes a obsessive / compulsive behavior. Because if for someone with ocd the best thing to do is try and not think about the emotion you feel like feeling sad or guilty or anxious then how can you cope with real events that really cause such emotions regardless if you have ocd or not. So what i am trying to say here is, when do you ''know'' your emotional state is being taken over by ocd? Because in my case i always try to make amends for things ive done wrong, but before i know it im doing compulsions, but my wife or any other person might also be trying to make amends for things they feel bad about. What do you do to identify the ocd is at work when you think what you are going trough is a regular emotional process?
  7. I just picked her up from the vet, because we brought her there yesterday to get her checked dor any diseases or anything, but she is all happy and in good health, she had a couple of ticks on her, but nothing else. it was a weird moment seeing her again, and now i got her in my study room, because we want to take things slow with the other 2 cats we had gotten in the meantime. once i let her out of her travel box she almost immediately jumped on my lap and we started cuddling intens. i just broke out in tears of joy, but also sadness, because although i used to be a bully in the past, i also loved her very much, and during the time she ran away i had many nightmares of her leaving us, and i cried a lot, i went searching on my bike at night to find her, but i never did. and now after 5 - 6 years of her being gone, she now suddenly is in my lap cuddling me. It almost feels as if she forgives me for whatever happened in the past and just wants to be with us again. I know but its very hard. I have been searching for a true me or better me for years now, and i know i have become such a better person then i was years ago, people around me tell me i am, and i just know i am. Yes i know its OCD but the fact that my past has now returned to the present in the form of this cat, i feel that all the things from the past may come back aswell. Yes it is simple in that way, but dealing with it is a whole different kind of monster
  8. Does anyone have any advise on how to be self forgiving?
  9. I know i have done horrible and unacceptable things, i just don't understand why i just never seem to be able to move on from them, i know I've changed so much as a person, but i guess in this case where our cat has been found back I'm getting confronted with my past again, all while i have been trying my best to leave those things behind me since all it has done to me is getting depressed and at one point even suicidal.
  10. I know it would be a compulsion, and i know im asking stuff here i already know... I think i just dont know how to cope with the feeling inside, that im still not 'cured' of my ocd or anxiety or depression etc etc. I hate it that i feel like i want to cry after i got the call she got found. I guess what it comes down to is that im scared i might become severely debilitated again like i did years ago, but now i have a son, i want to be there for him and not spend the next months crying and anxious.
  11. Would it be ok if I would from now on try and make amends with what I did in the past (bullying behavior). Since we got a second chance now that she has returned after 6 years? Or would that be a compulsion?
  12. I know this must be OCD talking, but the fact that no one is reacting to my post makes me feel like i really am a monster and not worth spending time and effort on.
  13. Hi all, Ive been avoiding coming to these forums for a while now, and altough my ocd gets better bit by bit (very small steps) something today happened that proppeled my head back a couple of years. because about 2 hours ago i got a call that our cat that has been missing for almost 6 years got found and is no awaiting for us to come and pick her up. at first i was vry excited but also shocked to hear she has been found. but now 2 hours later, im having serious guilt issues from a ocd theme i have been having from time to time. years back when i had no ocd i could be a bit of a nasty person sometimes, due to issues i had at the time i sometimes was a bully towards pets we had. ever since the cat walked away and my ocd surfaced i have felt huge amounts of guilt of the way i treated her, i remeber i used to find it fun to lift her a bit up by lifting up te tail so that the back feet would slightly raise from the ground. (even typing this is feel exreme amounts of shame, guilt and sadness for the behaviour i had back then towards pets). Now im about to pick her up and bring her home, but im afraid that im going to feel bad and total guilt from now on everytime i see her. in the meanwhile we have gotten 2 other cats btw a couple of years ago, and i never treated them like i did with pets from the past. in one way this situation now feels like a huuuuge exposure, but also a risk of me getting depressed and suicidal again, because something from the past is coming back in the house, and im afraid im going to get confronted with my past self (whom i by now hate very much, i hate my older me). i even became a vegan after what ive done in the past and the guilt i felt from it, and im already vegan for 2 years now, i try and make amends with my mistakes from the past, but this situation makes me feel i might lose control over myself and start feeling those huge amounts of guilt again until i again become depressed and suicidal. and i really dont want that to happen, im married right now, and we got a lovely son who is about to become 1 year old in a few weeks, i have so much to live for now, i dont want to become anxious, depressed and suicidal again because something i have done in the past is now coming back in my life again. But i also cannot let the cat stay behind, for the first 2 years after she ran away i had vivid dreams about finding her, ive felt so much pain when she ran away, altough i sometimes treated her bad aswell. Please some help / advice would be really appreciated.
  14. You are absolutely right. I do have very good periods where I seem to be able to fend off ocd quite easy and with alot of confidence. But some topics somehow get stuck on me like a parasite which makes me feel out of control and in a direct sense of needing to take action upon them. That is when I come here. At first I read and surf the topics and posts here and I know I should not make a thread, but every time it happens because it feels like a quick fix.
  15. I just don't know how to come back from abusing my son. I want to forget it ever happened.
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