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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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  1. The issue im having also right now is that i feel like im being very egoistical by not removing myself from my family, because in my mind i am a real danger to my family, but staying at home being stubborn feels as if im actually purposely taking the risk of me snapping at one point and hurting them bad. How would you deal with such a thought or persuasion about being a real Threat and still staying among your loved ones with all possible consequences? I feel irresponsible, selfish, and dangerous.
  2. Im guessing this 'absolute truth' thing might be a delusion? Delusions are sometimes ppssible with ocd ive read. But even calling it a delusion feels not right because in my mind its a 100% certainty it exists. Osnt the above a important criteria for delusions? Someone that thinks their 'delusion' is not a delilusion but actually the truth?
  3. Well the urgency for me is mostly because of my kids, I'm somehow scared that the thoughts / commands may cause me to harm my 2 sons, now every time I think of them I try to imagine if I could do anything, I keep telling myself... no matter how crazy I'm going to get will I be able to intercept myself from doing anything harmful? It just really hurts, and I keep feeling like I need to burst out crying right now, every Thursday I stay at home to pend the day with my 2 sons, will I still be able to do so? am I a danger to them on that day? I'm already seeing how this is going to play out. I get diagnosed with schizo. Then ill need to be taken into a mental hospital away from my wife and children away from my job, my children will miss me, cry for me. I'll lose my job because I'm not there, and my family has to move out of our new bought house due to our mortgage not being paid. Meanwhile, I'm not recovering, and our entire family is collapsing...
  4. Hi all, I'm not really sure how to explain this in a way that really makes it sound exactly as I'm experiencing it. For quite a while now, when I have been getting periods of OCD issues, the way it operates is different from how it was the last couple of years. Let me explain; In the past with OCD, I had a certain obsession and would be scared of having done something or doing something regarding the OCD theme. I would do CBT, exposure or just trying to give it the least amount of attention as possible and eventually it would fade. As of the last 1 - 2 years, something else has been starting to get a part of these OCD 'cycles'. As in that whatever the OCD theme is there is a sort of 'overall supernatural truth or omni truth attached to it' I don't hear voices or see things there are not, it presents itself more as just the absolute truth which will be present forever! The issue with this sense of truth that cannot be changed or doubted is that it seems to make all efforts of CBT / ERP etc. Meaningless. In the past, CBT / ERP etc. would help because you somehow deep down knew things were not the way OCD makes them seem like they are. But that small gap of 'knowing it deep down' has actually disappeared, or at least that's how it feels, I don't know anymore deep down. Because honestly there is no-one on this planet that can know anything for a 100% certainty. Maybe 99.9999% but now a complete full 100% My last terrible OCD theme was existential OCD, and feel that specific theme has propelled this feeling of 'absolute truth'. I don't know anymore actually, maybe it's OCD that has formed itself in another way to get to me? maybe it has decided to hijack this one thing I used against it to somehow be able to do therapy etc. I do remember that my OCD is weird in a way because I remember that when I used my children as a motivation to stop my compulsions and ruminating, the OCD attacked my children by stating; Your children will go to hell or burn in eternity if you don't comply. I'm scared that I'm falling into some kind of schizophrenic disorder, and because of that ill possibly be getting voices, commands that I should kill my children. I dont know anymore if this is just OCD?
  5. Hi all. I have something that worries me deeply. My ocd mostly revolves about ethical and moral stuff, hence for example i am a vegan and i hate it when i do something that perhaps causes harm to any animal or living being, like feeding our cats meat and stuff like that. It now got to the point that i constantly am weighing things against each other. For example: how can it be that i think its ok to feed my cat meat and have several lives destroyed for saving just one. My mind also wonders off with crazy thoughts like; im going to be convinced that its morally better to kill myself or my family. This deeply shocks me, and i hate it. Its as if my ocd is trying to convince me to do certain stuff because they are 'morally' better then not doing them. For example and this could get graphic, kill my children because they might cause the world more harm then good. But then i resist the thought and start repeating, i dont want that, i love them! And i feel deeply sad and broken. But my ocd immediatly says; who are you to determine that one life is worth more then a couple of other lives? And i dont have an real answer for it that feels absolutely 'true'. Of course i love my family, wife and kids to death. But that in itself does not make them more worthy of life then anyone else. I hate these thought trains because they feel like robbing me of my love for them. What can i do? At first i was scared i was turning psychopathic, but that could not be true because psychopaths dont feel guilt which i do feel ALL DAY, and now my fear is that ocd will keep pestering me until i do what it wants and that is 'kill'. Anyone else had these terrible kind of thoughts? I dont have intrusions about killing btw, just the fear of getting driven to the point of breaking due to ocd and then go on a kill spree. Even typing this turns my stomach. Pls help!
  6. Exactly! Mainlybthe paralysing part isbwhat hits me the most. Wlways when therebis something i want to do or feel motivated for my mind comes up with stuff why i should not and why im a bad person for doing so. This can be applied to almpet everything like; Sports, music producing, family stuff, work, taking care of my health, food, friends, other hobbys and of course plans to start my own business. Its exactly that paralysed feeling which takes all the pleasure and motivation oit of what i was trying to go for.
  7. Hello all, I was hoping for some input on the following; My OCD has taken on pretty much all forms already, and often changes subjects. At the moment, it is mainly the moral conscience that is a problem. I've been wanting to work for myself for some time now, because I just really don't like it as a paid employee, and it makes me quite unhappy. Now, it is true that I have been busy with a number of things in the past that give me the opportunity to earn my own money. The issue with these points is that they also have ethical concerns somewhere along the line. Here are some examples; - First example; Producing and selling EDM music (Dance Music).I really enjoy doing this, and if I'm honest, I'm pretty good at it too. In the past, I have even been approached by record labels where I could release or resell music. My objection: In this branch a lot of drugs are used, drunk etc. The association with techno, tech-house is mostly parties, drugs and all kinds of things that are 'bad'. Every time I want to come up with a good business plan and prepare it, I constantly get thoughts like; If I'm going to do this, I'll be responsible for drug use etc within this scene. Because the better and more fun the music, the more is 'used'. - Second example; I also really enjoy making YouTube videos, I've done this before and there is real potential to do this at least next to my full-time job, and who knows, eventually even do it as a full-time job myself (make videos). My objection? After having seen an article and a documentary that showed that social media, YouTube but even the internet are major causes of loneliness, depression, unhealthy lifestyle, addictions and unfortunately even suicide. I now feel responsible as soon as I create content that keeps people inside longer, and behind their computers or phones that I am also responsible for their internet addiction, loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts. With almost every example I can think of, there are always 'dark' aspects to it. Because to be quite honest, I mainly want to earn my own money and not be employed, to be able to become financially independent, and to just be able to earn a bit more. My wife actually wants to stop working and be there for the kids at home. And I do have opportunities for extra earnings, but every time I start planning, I immediately start to think about the possible consequences for someone else. I know that maybe it doesn't fit into the standard OCD picture, but I notice that it does arise in an OCD way for me. How can I better deal with this?
  8. Am i reinforcing the thoughts of solipsism by using solipsism, existential etc to not do any other compulsions from other ocd themes? Because my thought pattern now goes like; well if nothing is real, then I won't need to check the backyard door another time. Which is something I never could resist until now because I use that thought.
  9. I've not yet been able to put the thoughts aside, they keep morphing into something even worse, The funny thing is I've been able to quit like 95% of my compulsions on other OCD themes more so because I said to myself; Well if nothing is real and there is just 'nothingness' then my OCD is not real as well. But this existential, solipsism, nothingness, philosophical whatever is going on is just draining me, or is it really? because if I'm not really here, then I can not feel 'drained' ? Also, with other OCD topics I was able to say after a week of going through it; Well I made it a week! ill be able to get through it many more weeks then! But now my mind is telling me; lat week never happened, they are just 'illusions' or made up memories. Somehow, whatever is going on with my OCD? is extremely smart in finding those things that used to work for me and give me hope, strength etc. It finds them and just takes all its power away from it. I had a couple of ways of fighting my 'OCD' i the past, one was as I mentioned above; I have been able to fight this for XYZ amount of time now, so ill be able to do it much longer! Also, I always thought; I'm doing it for my family, for my sons in particular. But now with these new theme(s) i then immediately get the thought; but that does not work because they are not real. Can anyone please tell me there is hope for better days with this type of 'OCD' ? I know I'm making the assumption above that OCD exists and that this 'life' I live is the 'real' one. But I have to, I don't know how to beat it any other way...?
  10. Hi all. Been dealing with existential ocd for a while now. It has changed into something more serious last night. It's not so much anymore if what I see ia real, a dream a simulation or whatever. But actually EVERYTHING that happens, i think about , i see i feel, i hear, i axt upon, i smell you name it just everything one can 'experience' i get the 'thought' what if it's not true and never has happened, it's nothing not even an simulation just nothingness. It has caused me to get several panic attacks, and also feeling extremely and i mean extremely lost. I feel as there actually is no consciousness. Whatever it is I'm experiencing is just 'not'. It isn't happening it's meaningless, it's not here, not now, not ever. I get that alot of people with existential, solipsism or other philosophical ocd think that they're perception of reality is twisted and must be because only they themselves are conscious, and the rest is just there to complete the illusion, or that they live in some dream, in any of the stories I've seen about existential ocd etc it's always about a possible 'diffrent' kind of reality and consciousness. But for me it's not about it being different it's about there being none reality, none consciousness. Even though i 'think' I'm being conscious and i 'perceive' I'm in a 'certain' universe, or simulation, or dream, or multiverse or whatever, it does not have to be that way. There could also just be 'nothing' i know that's quite harsh to grasp because we feel and think we are experiencing life, like me right now typing this text, must mean that ' i ' 'am'. But that does not have to be the case, if we're not then we are just 'not'. All of the above has made it extreme difficult for me to even get something done, because with everything I feel as if what is the use? If it's all 'not' then what I'll do is just 'nothing' withing this 'nothingness'. I could really need some help on the above, I've been unable to apply simple ocd tactics like, accepting, or just letting the thoughts come without giving them any attention. Because they are all contained with this 'nothingness'. What is the use of even 'accepting' whatever comes to mind if it's actually nothing and does not exist? To live and to be in this world. There must be some basic rules like a real 'universe' a real consciousness, because if that's not present then what are we doing? Are we doing anything at all? Or is there just 'nothing' ?
  11. I get what you guys are saying. And the last thing I want is to offend people. But maybe that also sometimes is needed as an exposure for me, since I'm also always afraid to hurt someone's feelings and then apologize for it endlessly. Something else has happened to me just now. I came to the idea that if my thoughts about existential stuff, solipsism and related topics would be real, then there is no more need for ocd compulsions, because if nothing would be real then I don't have anything to fear anymore from any ocd topic I have. So now I've decided to 100% stop compulsions. Thank you, whatever nothingness your are! Now I'm free from ocd and it's compulsions since all those perceived risks don't exist anymore. I'm using it against itself, but I still feel anxious about it. I just did something (refusing a certain compulsion) which would normally scare me like crazy, and now i just did it. What do i have to lose if there presumably is nothing to lose? Wondering how this little experiment wil unfold. Any ideas if the above is a good way to deal with it, or might it be counterproductive?
  12. Ik sorry about that. Really not my intentions. It's just so that I'm in it's grasp (whatever 'it' might be). Its so hard because I think of my kids and wife, i look at them and instantly get the thought 'they are not real' which is just like a sword trough my heart. I appreciate the help you offered, sorry to have insulted you by that never meant it like that.
  13. The thing is, that my mind is also telling me that even the responses I'm getting here might just be a distraction, an illusion so that it's impossible for me to disprove or prove what is real or not. As far as I know, all the people behind the responses don't exist, I have zero evidence that they do. All I see is a reply which could just be an illusion within this illusion.
  14. Hi all. Or hi myself.. not really sure. I have ocd or so I'm thought to believe. Recent topics of my ocd have latched on things like, solipsism, living in a simulation, existential crisis. There is one thing I can't seem to figure out, and i don't know if it can be figured out. But one of my fears is that I'm actually all alone in this place where we are, and all the things I'm seeing, reading hearing, feeling and learning are just tools to keep me from second guessing reality. Because if i would know everything, as with solipsism sometimes is being said I think it would be too easy to figure out if I'm living a true life. But what if all the things I'm experiencing are actual illusions made up by whatever it is I am present in (simulation or anything like that) just to make it seem real that this is the true reality, what if nothing is a coincidence and it's all just being rendered by this program or whatever I'm in? All the help for my ocd and these subjects im getting might just be ways to keep me thinking i actually have ocd and it's just me being (sick) that I'm thinking this way while instead I don't have ocd and I'm not sick. Maybe having ocd is a (fake) reason to not dive any further into this subject. What if the reactions you guys might post here are just to generated by this thing I'm in to sort of 'confirm' my fake sickness called ocd?
  15. She called the cops on my father and said he was being abused, while actually she was not. Just for me and my brother to see the cops busting the door and arresting our father in front of our eyes, this happened multiple times, actually. And every time it happened i was begging my father to stay home, stay with us..
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