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Ironborn

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  1. I guess its just that i react to heavily when i see him sad or anything. I do try my best, ive taken this piece of land allotment mostly for the purpose to have somehwere i and my son can do stuff together, he absolutely loves it to go there, and we have such a great time together, something so simple and yet fun to do together. I have zero knowledge of gardening or growing veggies, but that never was the main goal, more to get my son outside and prefferable something we can do together, the fact that we now are growing veggies and eating some of our own grown food is amazing, and when we eat tose veggies i always tell my wife and his mom that me and my son produced this together and he always gets that proud look on his face when i say such things.. it really melts my heart
  2. I call it bullying because i tend to have problems with knowing when enough is enough, its something that goes along alot of things in my life, i most of the times ovedo things, i tend to get too invested in hobby's, too excited about things, too lazy with things i dont enjoy, to vocal and present at birthday or other parties, too obsessed with ocd, too obsessed with caring for our earth (veganism, taking care of surroundings etc), And also too invested in teasing / bullying maybe? When someone tells me to stop, i find it really really hard to stop, and i hate that about myself. Up to the point if someone actually is hurt (emotional) i suddenly realise ive gone too far and i feel extremely bad, and i start to overcompensate. I think i might have certain issues with living to extremes. please ready my answer above to know what im trying to say.
  3. Hello everyone. Recently I have been suffering from extreme feelings of guilt towards my 2.5 year old son. I have occasionally teased or frightened him by saying that there were snails on his pants or something. This was mainly when the two of us were outside or working on the allotment garden. Sometimes he would go along with this and then he would pretend to see a snail on me or show me one. I also joked that there was a snail on his sandwich, or I asked if he would like to eat a snail and sometimes he aswers wit this smile on his face YES! And then I pretended to grab a snail and then put it on his sandwich or something. However, I was not aware of any harm, and it just seemed to me to be a bit of teasing and fooling around. I would like to point out that I love my son very much and that I would never want anything to happen to him or anything like that. Now we were back at the allotment garden 2 days ago and at one point he tripped over something, and I then made a sort of comment like; look, you fell on a snail! This upsetted him, and I immediately felt a tremendous amount of guilt, i picked him up and made sure he was ok by consoling him. I have now decided not to tease him anymore with such things. I just can't get it out of my head that he might suffer from this permanently? or that he will always blame me and hate me for it. He seems to be just fine already, but still... I find it very annoying because I was bullied myself as a child but I also bullied a lot myself. And the last thing I want is for my son to be like that too, which is why I feel so bad, and a really bad parent. After that I also googled 'father teases child' and similar terms. I only came across articles that you really can't do such things, and that your child loses confidence in you, that it could harm his or her upbringing, or that they themselves become bullies in the future. Now I know that my parents (both) were also teasing me when i was a kid, and I may have picked it up from there. But I don't want it to have a bad effect on my kids. So I stopped it immediately. It is true that I am now overcompensating a lot, and I have trouble saying 'no' to him, because I'm afraid he will hate me or something. Again i want to say that I love my son dearly, and that if it came down to it I would give my life for him within a second, no doubt. Does anyone here have any words of support or ideas? How do I get rid of that guilt, does compensating help? is that a good starting point?
  4. Hi every body. Please dont judge me for this, im Already a mess right now. I'm not really sure how to explain this as short as possible, but I'll try. I have been working at a Social employment facility since September last year. Here I was hired for the position of Quality, Health & Safety & Environment. Now it is true that in recent months (perhaps already at the end of last year) I have had difficulty concentrating and have little energy. I get much less done at work than usual. and I mean A LOT LESS. Now it is also the case that I am the only official in this department, and I only give responsibility directly to the management. For a few months now, I have been bothered by the thought that due to my low productivity I am not getting enough done, and therefore I am less likely to notice whether certain things are running safely and well at work. My job is, among other things, to carry out audits within the organization, as well as to carry out checks on occupational health and safety. I was noticed yesterday that in one of our departments where a lot of wood is processed, there is a significantly high concentration of particulate matter. there are no legal requirements when it comes to indoor spaces and particulate matter levels, but the company adheres to the requirement that is also set for the legally existing requirements that apply to outdoor air and is the responsibility of the municipalities and cities. After discovering these high levels in this department, I immediately made a report to our management, who will deal with this as soon as possible. However, since yesterday I've been thinking all the time that if I hadn't wasted my time surfing on my phone, surfing the internet, being tired and just slacking off I would probably have thought sooner that we would have a particulate matter measurement done in the wood department. Incidentally, I have looked and seen that before I worked here the measurements have always been too high, and therefore the correct actions were not taken before I started working here. I also wonder whether I would have tested the room for particulate matter earlier if I had focused more on my work, and thus having more free time and maybe asking my co worker sooner to test the wood area. It is also the case that not only I do the measurements, but a colleague of mine who is the manager of the technical service also performs these measurements, this is a kind of joint task. Now I have read on the internet that people can develop certain illnesses from particulate matter like cancer, asthma, etc. But also that exposure to the particulate matter could reduce life by an average of 9 months. So I feel extremely guilty, and I'm constantly in a panic. It feels like I have blood on my hands, and I'm constantly thinking about how I can make up for this. Maybe I can try to have more healthy snacks and drinks served in the canteen so that there is some compensation? I just don't know what to do. I am comitted to working my but off, so i can fix and catch up on all the things i did not do. I have also stopped claiming travel expenses to work and back home since the end of last year. This is because I hope to make up for something I don't do or haven't done.
  5. Well we can never be sure if something is a fake or real memory, all that we can do is accept all possibilities and move on.
  6. Hi all. About 14 years ago when i was 19 yrs old i had a sort of one night stand with a girl. One thing to note is that there never was actual classic sex The 'sexual' part of it is really vague to me, but one thing i do remember is that during the act she said something like 'no not that' or 'dont do that'. Im not entirely sure what she axactly said, because it has been such a long time ago. But all im thinking right now is if i went on with it after she said something like that, dit i kept doing what she did not want me to? or did i change something about what i had done? did i correct myself? I just dont know for sure... and its killing me. I did see her a couple of times after that, she has never claimed i raped or molested her or anything, She even tried to get with me several times after, but i did not wanted to do that because in the meanwhile i met someone else (now my wife) and i also discovered the girl had been lying about certain stuff to me, so she seemed a bit to much of a fuss to me, and just not the type of character i waned to hang out with. (when i slept over the night the stuff happened we only knew eachother for a couple of hours btw). Even when i was already with my girlfriend (now wife) she tried to kiss me once, in the end she could not stand that i did not wanted to follow trough with her i guess? She messaged me a year back on facebook, but i never send her anything back. until today. Because i had seen this show on tv whefe they talked about rape, and suddenly i thought about that night 14 years ago and it hit me like a truck. I just sended her something back like 'Hey, im fine and how are you?' But eventually i want to know from her if she ever has felt raped or molested by me, i just cannot ask that right of the bat, ill first have to start a conversation. Am i doing compulsion by doing this? What should i do?
  7. How do i deal with semen ocd after having had sex or masturbating? I feel disgusted about ik and scared to death that my son somehow steps on it or touches a towel, sink, toilet, shower, bed, clothes or whatever i might have touche after 'orgasm'. Its come to the point that im avoiding any sexual activity. But once in a couple week i just neef to 'release' because i have my 'needs' aswell l. But after ill go into this anxious cleaning frenzy. Cleaning the bathroom floor, washing table, bathtub, shower, throw all towels and clothes in the washing bin, check the floor from the bathroom to my bedroom if no 'semen' dropped on it. I even cover my sons bath toys with a towel before i 'help' myself in the shower while they are couple of feet besides me. In my mind im convinced that if he touches 'it' this will mean im a pedo. I always regret it so much once im 'done' because then ill have to clean alot of it, but it never seems clean enough. And i feel hé might somehow trough contamination might get the residue in his mouth or something the next Day while brushing teeth. AM i over concerned? Or should i be this freaked out about something like this?
  8. Somehow I have the same pitfall with many of my ocd themes. And hopefully you understand somewhat what I mean by this and or how i could best deal with this. Namely, it is so that my OCD appears as the omniscient, as if I have obtained some sort of superior responsibility and insight through OCD. And that if I choose not to do anything with it. I will be punished for this forever (even after my death). (I am not religious by the way). Until today I was often still able to deal with this, because I thought at those moments; I just go against it and if I have to pay for this after this life then so be it, but if my wife and children have a 'normal' father and husband in their life because of that, then I want to sacrifice myself for that. However, now I have received a certain 'message' from the all knowing' fthat if I do not fulfill my 'obligations' which I am given in form of my superior responsibility and insights, that not only will I have to atone for it forever, but also my children, and that I pass this on to my children. So it will punish my children as much as it will me, because it started to notice i was ok with beding punisched myself. This has meant that I can no longer hide behind the thought; I do sacrifice myself for my children. What should I do now? I would like to think that these are all deception and false tricks from the ocd. But it really feels like THE truth in my case. And so when I go against that, I constantly have the feeling that I am forever condemning my children to suffering, pain and damnation. Please help! PS: the funny thing is that this is all very much like religious ocd. However, I am not religious by any means, and all of this originated from these thoughts ....
  9. But the problem here is that its actually true. Its true that a person causes more harm in a lifetime than what they can make up for. Our Co2 footprint is of such high amounts there is no way we can make up for it. And if it was just about me then it would be okish. but i chose to get 2 kids who have not chosen to be here, and for some antinatlism dude to confront me if it was a ethical and wise choice to get children, this really got me started thinking. Right now im constantly thinking how i can make my children have an effect on the world once they grow older so that they were not here on earth for nothing. ive been thinking that maybe i should educate them in that so called philosophy about antinatalism. although i never heard of it before, if my 2 sons could prevent other people from having children (more then i could in my lifetime) then they could have a bigger impact on our climate then i could by myself). so somehow i can only feel good about this subject if having 2 sons can somehow contribute in a bigger way tot this subject then i could by myself. Because every time i think about other options like; what if i would facilitate abortions with funding towards carrying woman (although i am against abortion) then i could 'justify having tweo sons' but then my thought goes; Well that's true but if you did that while not having sons it would have been even more efficient because your sons would not have been here and thus not cause any harm. so instead of facilitating 10 abortions with funds in my lifetime. if i had no sons it would mean that 12 lives were prevented from being birth and thus better for our climate. This kind of thinking just keeps on going in my head, and i feel bad an guilty for thinking like this towards my sons, because i love them so much. But right now i feel like even my love for them is being stripped away because i should not have let them be born. It really turns my stomach thinking like that...
  10. I get what you are saying. Its just that i feel like its my responsibility to atleast do what i can do. I also Already contacted a counselor, but waiting times here are about 6+ months. So in the meantime ill have to get by on myself.
  11. I really want to know how you would deal with this. I recently posted on a vegan reddit group. I talked about where I might want to live (countryside) and that I would like to teach my children a few things about nature and how to deal with nature, etc. Now I got a response from someone there that had nothing to do with the question I asked but was about why I have children and how I can see that as 'ethically' justified, because children still need food and products which also contribute to animal suffering directly or indirectly. Now this has put me in a state of panic and now I have the constant feeling that my children shouldn't be here. I also noticed that this person is a member of a reddit group called Antinatalism which is really about being against reproduction and thus saving the earth from its destruction. So I've read through a few posts on that particular subreddit, and now feel all the time like my kids shouldn't have been there, and I should get rid of them ... or worse ... and this I almost cannot say because i feel disgusted just thinking it...but have to have our unborn child being aborted... I also get harm intrusions towards my son now who just recently turned 2. Not because i might like to harm him, or i might want to do it. But because that is wat is right to do. I hate that i encountered this person who asked me this question and has indireclty showed me this whole Antinatalism even exists. I whish i would not have seen it. Wat is even worse about tbhis is that im judging my feelings towards this. Because as a father if someone or some ideoligy would cause to endanger the existence of my children i should get angry right? Why am i not angry? Why am i thinking about the fact that Antinatalism might be a good thing? Why? I never had these thoughts before, and i hate it that i dont feel attacked by that persons comments. Does that mean i WANT to do a abortion on our 26 weeks old unborn son? does it mean that i WANT to stop my sons of 2 years to stop living? It hurts so much, because i love my family, i just want to feel that fierce father protective feeling inside because of such comments. But i do not, i feel i am discussing if this might be a good ideology? but i want this, i love my kids, and it feels extra painful to be with them now. What do I have to do with this?
  12. Been having false memories i guess over last night.... I went and slept in my sons room whose 2 years old. He had trouble sleeping and was crying, so i layed a mattress besides his bed/crib and layed on it. But it did not work, so i took him out and layed him besides me on the matrass. This morning i woke up with what some might call a 'morning' erection, as a man i sometimes get those, But this time it had made me question why it happened exactly this morning with my son laying in my arms, i feel so bad that it even got to the point that I'm getting 'memories'? Of me molesting him last night. The fact that i cannot remember for sure is killing me. What do i do? I believe i had my pants on and my underwear on. Something that also is not helping me at the moment is that me and my wife in the past sometimes had intercourse... While we were still asleep almost as if i and or her did that on automatic pilot, a lot of the times we would wake up before the actual 'action' happened and both were confused about it, but sometimes still proceeded and laughed after it the Day after. But if this had happened with my wife a couple of times, how would i know of such a thing had not happened last night while laying with my son next to me, in my arms? I know for a fact that I'm not attracted to children, But would that stop a person from acting on 'autopilot' in the night? What is this, am i some kind of monster?
  13. uhmm. i dont know for sure... and no i would not nec. think they are monsters but just becoming a 'victim' to this platform which knows how to 'attract' more men into watching the vids i guess? It just feels so diffrent towards me, and i cant explain why exactly.
  14. Well no, but they prob did not get aroused by them?
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