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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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    185
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Netherlands

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  1. How exactly did you do that? Because I've tried something like that in the past. But somehow it never really feels 'true'.
  2. Would self forgiveness aid in recovery? Or would it be more like a compulsion?
  3. I guess I'm looking for reassurence. The topic has bothered me in the past, but new 'evidence' now came along this time making me believe I truly did something disturbing by watching those videos. It's just so hard right now with my ocd. It jumps from topic to topic. And my appointment with my psychologist is upcoming Monday. While I've been having no appointments for the last 3 weeks due to holidays. And the meds were tapered down this year to a quarter of what I did use to take, which whe have increased again back up to its max dose. I'm now almost 2 weeks into this dosage, and I guess that may be causing extra ocd flare ups as well. I've been in this situation before, but everytime a major relapse happens like this I feel extremely desperate and am constantly worrying if this will ever get better again.
  4. Hi everyone. This post can be triggering. I've been trying to refrain from posting here because I don't want to feed the obsessions I have, and it is so hard. But somehow this new obsession came up about me watching extremely disturbing videos when I was younger (16 - 24) with friends about terrorist beheading, murders, people set on fire etc etc. I feel so bad and sick for having seen those videos back then, and I'm not sure why I did it. I believe it was more out of curiosity and a certain feeling of thrill. But I remember that at some point when i was about 24 or 25 years old (6 tot 7 years ago) I got sick and disturbed when someone showed them to me, and I've not watched them ever again. I just feel so bad and guilty for having done this. Does it mean I'm a monster or a crazy person? I also get flashbacks of those videos now that my ocd has latched on to this. Please help!
  5. I'm trying to ignore the thoughts and sort of accept them. But when doing so it feels as if I accept that I am those things I think about myself, which feels very scary to me.
  6. I've been looking for reassurence, which I know I should not do. And while doing so (on the internet someone posted a reply that everything with sex should be a absolute yes) and if someone says no to something it should not happen. This made me go very anxious because recently when my wife and I were having intercourse I told her I wanted to do oral sex to her. She said something like 'not now' and I told her I wanted her to enjoy it and not worry about it she again said something like 'I'm not sure' but then we did it still. And she enjoyed it very much. But reading the reply someone wrote on a ocd Facebook group and thinking back of this situation I'm really panicking. My wife does not think anything is wrong but I feel I may have forced her or something, what do I do now?
  7. I get what your saying, although now it seems the ocd finally found the true me, the true monster.
  8. Last night when me and my wife were in bed we had a bit of a discussion about certain stuff in the household. I also told her that I feel she gives me less attention then she did in the past and that I maybe had a feeling she might be seeing someone else (which had happened in the past btw). She told me there was nothing I should be worried of and that she would never do such a thing again. I felt comforted and she told me she would try and show more affection since she did not was aware she gave me less attention this past time. Once she was saying this stuff to me I felt aroused and wanted to have intercourse, but I suddenly thought that it felt as if I was trying to have sex with her in the first place and that I was acting sad and stuff just to get sex. So I told her I felt if we would have sex at that moment my ocd would flare up because I felt I manipulated her, but she told me she wanted to have sex as well, do we did have sex after that. Also I can't deny that in the past when I wanted intercourse with her I would tell her I'm not satisfied with the amount of sex we had, to hopefully have sex after discussing that and more frequently from that point on. But now I feel I might have manipulated her into having sex with me multiple times in the past, she told me this morning that is not the case and it always was consentual. But I feel I tricked her into wanting sex if you know what I mean? So a short example: we go to bed, I feel aroused, she wants to sleep, I tell her I feel aroused, and sometimes told her I am not satisfied with the frequency we have sex, we have sex. And that's it. I now feel like a monster, she tells me I should not because she says she enjoys it to. But the fact that I sometimes used emotional reasons to maybe have sex feels so bad. Please help me, or at least someone that can relate?
  9. This seems to make sense. But because everyone always talks about 'intrusive' thoughts. and these were more of 'invited' thoughts i guess? Thats why i feel so much guilt and anxiety now.
  10. @PolarBear I know i am ruminating like crazy, and i want to ignore it. its just so hard, especially not knowing what i intended by thinking that way instead of immediatly dismissing the thoughts i sort of took it one step further and asked myself some other questions regarding this topic without getting destressed until i realised i had these thoughts and boom i started feeling guilty for it, because i went with those thoughts longer then i normally do with normal 'intrusions'.
  11. Its just that im very anxious because they were not like intrusions i have normally, because with normal intrusions they hit you out of nowhere and you then try and let them pass. But this time i sort of came up with those thoughts myself and did not immediatly try and ignore them as i do with intrusions. This makes it feel like there must be some truth in those thoughts. But i love my son, and would do everything for him. And i know for a fact that im not a pedo, because i dont feel attracted to children etc.
  12. Hi all. After my recent posts here, i decided to act upon the advice i got and just ignore the intrusions and not go into any compulsions, this has been hard, but it did lower the anxiety a bit. Yesterday i had my best day in the last 2 weeks, until this morning. I was giving my son his bottle with him on my lap, and sometimes he would accidentally touch my groin, and i would slowly reposition him so it wouldn't touch my groin. At some point he was standing upright on my lap and we were cuddling a bit, i gave him some kisses (in the neck) and nothing to crazy yet. but at some point i remember looking at him at i was getting thoughts like (how would he react to being abused?) (would it hurt him for life?) (would he be scarred for life?) (he looks so pure and lovely) etc etc. immediately after i felt this terrible feeling inside my stomach, why would i ask such questions in my head without trying to fight it (as i do with intrusions normally) i normally try to fight or block an intrusion or sometimes i shake my head as in (NO) that way i tell myself i don't want what im thinking. But this time these thoughts came up and i sort of went with it. I did not actually think about abusing him (sexually) in pictures or how it would be done, but more if he would notice being abused? if he would be damaged by it? etc etc. And now my mind is going crazy! why do i ask myself such questions? am i a monster? fyi, i don't feel attracted to children, i never have. And i do have some sort of a past with pocd aswell. But this feels different because i did not fight the thoughts, i even asked myself certain question regarding the topic as i stated here. This makes me feel as if i want what i was thinking about. How would one deal with this? I know im doing compulsions right now about the situation that occurred this morning, but it feels as if it might be more important then something to just ignore. I really dont want my son to be hurt or molested or anything, but i hate that i get thoughts that ar not so much into detail about how but more about if. something to note: i do ''daydream' alot and during these daydreams sometimes disturbing thoughts also come by, which i initially dont reject or ignore but sort of 'go with'. which makes me feel like afterwards that i really want those ''daydreams'' to happen since i did not reject them or ignore them.
  13. I see and I get all of your responses. I've been Trough this cycle many times but then with other ocd themes. The weird thing is that ones my ocd seems to fade on one topic it jumps to another. But now it went diffrent and stated; I will be everywhere and everything you think off no matter what. This made me becoming depressed again this week, and got to the point where I now sort of 'accept' that nothing will ever be the same anymore and that nothing will work for me anymore, and somehow ocd seems to go down when I accept this, but on the other hand I seem to be way less capable of enjoying things now, because everytime I start to feel good, feel hope or enjoy something, ocd is there in a nanosecond reminds me (hey you know what we agreed upon, no more enjoyment or hopeful thinking). And this happens with everything, so right now I'm waiting at the psychologists office to be called in because I want to discuss this particular issue, and I immediately get the feeling or thought 'nope' 'won't work' 'hey sdobt forget our agreemeny'. Actually even writing this piece on the forums is accompanied by those kind of thoughts.
  14. I did not mean it like that. But let me say that it feels like so. Don't mean to negate others ocd and suffering, it's brutal for all sufferers.
  15. Because this one feels and seems beyond ocd. As if it's the truth and cannot be denied. There where I see other people's ocd more revolved around afraid to do this or that (which I had also btw) or cannot get over a past event (which I have to btw) but the one I'm talking about in this topic just feels weird and bizar and also untreatable.
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