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Ironborn

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    Sufferer

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    Netherlands

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  1. Am i reinforcing the thoughts of solipsism by using solipsism, existential etc to not do any other compulsions from other ocd themes? Because my thought pattern now goes like; well if nothing is real, then I won't need to check the backyard door another time. Which is something I never could resist until now because I use that thought.
  2. I've not yet been able to put the thoughts aside, they keep morphing into something even worse, The funny thing is I've been able to quit like 95% of my compulsions on other OCD themes more so because I said to myself; Well if nothing is real and there is just 'nothingness' then my OCD is not real as well. But this existential, solipsism, nothingness, philosophical whatever is going on is just draining me, or is it really? because if I'm not really here, then I can not feel 'drained' ? Also, with other OCD topics I was able to say after a week of going through it; Well I made it a week! ill be able to get through it many more weeks then! But now my mind is telling me; lat week never happened, they are just 'illusions' or made up memories. Somehow, whatever is going on with my OCD? is extremely smart in finding those things that used to work for me and give me hope, strength etc. It finds them and just takes all its power away from it. I had a couple of ways of fighting my 'OCD' i the past, one was as I mentioned above; I have been able to fight this for XYZ amount of time now, so ill be able to do it much longer! Also, I always thought; I'm doing it for my family, for my sons in particular. But now with these new theme(s) i then immediately get the thought; but that does not work because they are not real. Can anyone please tell me there is hope for better days with this type of 'OCD' ? I know I'm making the assumption above that OCD exists and that this 'life' I live is the 'real' one. But I have to, I don't know how to beat it any other way...?
  3. Hi all. Been dealing with existential ocd for a while now. It has changed into something more serious last night. It's not so much anymore if what I see ia real, a dream a simulation or whatever. But actually EVERYTHING that happens, i think about , i see i feel, i hear, i axt upon, i smell you name it just everything one can 'experience' i get the 'thought' what if it's not true and never has happened, it's nothing not even an simulation just nothingness. It has caused me to get several panic attacks, and also feeling extremely and i mean extremely lost. I feel as there actually is no consciousness. Whatever it is I'm experiencing is just 'not'. It isn't happening it's meaningless, it's not here, not now, not ever. I get that alot of people with existential, solipsism or other philosophical ocd think that they're perception of reality is twisted and must be because only they themselves are conscious, and the rest is just there to complete the illusion, or that they live in some dream, in any of the stories I've seen about existential ocd etc it's always about a possible 'diffrent' kind of reality and consciousness. But for me it's not about it being different it's about there being none reality, none consciousness. Even though i 'think' I'm being conscious and i 'perceive' I'm in a 'certain' universe, or simulation, or dream, or multiverse or whatever, it does not have to be that way. There could also just be 'nothing' i know that's quite harsh to grasp because we feel and think we are experiencing life, like me right now typing this text, must mean that ' i ' 'am'. But that does not have to be the case, if we're not then we are just 'not'. All of the above has made it extreme difficult for me to even get something done, because with everything I feel as if what is the use? If it's all 'not' then what I'll do is just 'nothing' withing this 'nothingness'. I could really need some help on the above, I've been unable to apply simple ocd tactics like, accepting, or just letting the thoughts come without giving them any attention. Because they are all contained with this 'nothingness'. What is the use of even 'accepting' whatever comes to mind if it's actually nothing and does not exist? To live and to be in this world. There must be some basic rules like a real 'universe' a real consciousness, because if that's not present then what are we doing? Are we doing anything at all? Or is there just 'nothing' ?
  4. I get what you guys are saying. And the last thing I want is to offend people. But maybe that also sometimes is needed as an exposure for me, since I'm also always afraid to hurt someone's feelings and then apologize for it endlessly. Something else has happened to me just now. I came to the idea that if my thoughts about existential stuff, solipsism and related topics would be real, then there is no more need for ocd compulsions, because if nothing would be real then I don't have anything to fear anymore from any ocd topic I have. So now I've decided to 100% stop compulsions. Thank you, whatever nothingness your are! Now I'm free from ocd and it's compulsions since all those perceived risks don't exist anymore. I'm using it against itself, but I still feel anxious about it. I just did something (refusing a certain compulsion) which would normally scare me like crazy, and now i just did it. What do i have to lose if there presumably is nothing to lose? Wondering how this little experiment wil unfold. Any ideas if the above is a good way to deal with it, or might it be counterproductive?
  5. Ik sorry about that. Really not my intentions. It's just so that I'm in it's grasp (whatever 'it' might be). Its so hard because I think of my kids and wife, i look at them and instantly get the thought 'they are not real' which is just like a sword trough my heart. I appreciate the help you offered, sorry to have insulted you by that never meant it like that.
  6. The thing is, that my mind is also telling me that even the responses I'm getting here might just be a distraction, an illusion so that it's impossible for me to disprove or prove what is real or not. As far as I know, all the people behind the responses don't exist, I have zero evidence that they do. All I see is a reply which could just be an illusion within this illusion.
  7. Hi all. Or hi myself.. not really sure. I have ocd or so I'm thought to believe. Recent topics of my ocd have latched on things like, solipsism, living in a simulation, existential crisis. There is one thing I can't seem to figure out, and i don't know if it can be figured out. But one of my fears is that I'm actually all alone in this place where we are, and all the things I'm seeing, reading hearing, feeling and learning are just tools to keep me from second guessing reality. Because if i would know everything, as with solipsism sometimes is being said I think it would be too easy to figure out if I'm living a true life. But what if all the things I'm experiencing are actual illusions made up by whatever it is I am present in (simulation or anything like that) just to make it seem real that this is the true reality, what if nothing is a coincidence and it's all just being rendered by this program or whatever I'm in? All the help for my ocd and these subjects im getting might just be ways to keep me thinking i actually have ocd and it's just me being (sick) that I'm thinking this way while instead I don't have ocd and I'm not sick. Maybe having ocd is a (fake) reason to not dive any further into this subject. What if the reactions you guys might post here are just to generated by this thing I'm in to sort of 'confirm' my fake sickness called ocd?
  8. She called the cops on my father and said he was being abused, while actually she was not. Just for me and my brother to see the cops busting the door and arresting our father in front of our eyes, this happened multiple times, actually. And every time it happened i was begging my father to stay home, stay with us..
  9. I've searched some things up on Adverse Childhood Experiences. And been watching this video on YouTube just now from a ted talks about this subject. And during the whole video, I just have tears breaking out of my eyes. I constantly think about my sons, but I'm also constantly seeing my younger me. And I feel real sadness for him, compassion. I've always told myself my youth and upbringing was of no effect on whom I am or what I've done. But I might have to rethink that. It really scares me actually, I feel very vulnerable just thinking about it. i suddenly remember how i used to sit in bed awake and scared to death while i heard my mother screaming in the house towards my father, or other people. Sometimes she would drag me out of bed in the middle of a fight just as a way to hurt my father. She used us to get to him.
  10. Will it? I've been told I might need some intensive therapy for personality issues. I then got referred to someone and we talked once every 2 weeks, but that therapist told me my OCD was too profound to being able to get any deeper.
  11. I get what you're saying. Sometimes I even doubt that my behavior is due to my mothers' behavior directly. I guess what also had its influence on me was just her absence, staying in bed all day and leaving me and my brother roaming the house as 6 - 7 - 8-year-old with a 3 yr younger brother. We at some point had barely any food in the house, were disconnected from power and or gas. She even was being a prostitute at one point, thinking I would not know what it was. I've remembered all of it, actually. I guess even tough she (as far as I can remember) never hit us or physically attacked us, our home, and environment felt very dangerous, weird criminal type people coming into our house, she had fights with different people in our city (Amsterdam) up until the point when we were walking outside she got attacked and pepper sprayed by someone and dragging us into it. Taking us as very young kids with her to café's and bars, where she drank, and gambled.... Could it be, besides possible bullying behavior, that the above can have attributed to me having acted the way I acted when I was teen / 20s ? Because I feel no resentment towards her, and I barely think or had thought about the past. Does that not mean that what I went through as a child is to be seen totally separated from what I did as a youngster til my 26 / 27th?
  12. Also, our mother never physically abused us. It's just that she scared us by telling scary stories and then afterward getting us close to her again and cuddling. She also told me that i myself hated my father, all tough I could not recollect me saying such things. And even to this day, I'm not mad at her. We have on and off text contact. I just feel sorry for her, since she had been abused as a child as well, she was raped etc etc.
  13. Do you even think so in my case, considering my reply to @Lynz? The part about choking? I feel that part I initially left out (not on purpose) really gives the story another layer of true evil that must have been inside me. I know It's not there anymore, or at least I've learned that it's actually really wrong to act that way. The bullying behavior had been going on for quite a while, btw. so it's not just on one occasion.
  14. I get what you're saying, and even reading back my post above, I find inaccurate things like the first point where I stated about the gagging. I forgot to mention that at some point I figured out that he also gagged if i sort of pushed at his throat in a certain way... Furthermore, I don't know how to describe this because I feel so bad for it now, reliving it and thinking about it. Besides, I guess i sort of did choke him... until he gagged once and then released, I did it while he tried to swallow food because I figured that's when he possibly needed to gag. Even writing out my possible stream of thoughts at those moments is so confronting, I have not thought about this in such a detailed manner, because I've tried to push it away. In a sense, it really looks like some childish bullying I did as a kid but never outgrew that behavior, but I don't get it why I did what I did. The stupid thing is, afterwards I would be nice to him again as if nothing happened, almost exactly as how my mother would do with me and my younger brother. I've been choking myself several times lately to feel and go through what the dog must have gone through.
  15. Hi all, Recently I've been doing some real deep soul-searching, where does my OCD came from, and what keeps it alive. I guess my main subject is me being a bad person. Because of all the horrendous acts I've committed. Some of which I have talked about on this forum. I feel I need to come clean once and for all and own up to my mistakes, beginning at the worst of them all, and that is me having been an animal abuser / bully in my early 20s. We used to have a dog for a couple of years back then (I am 34 now). I bullied, and mentally and physically abused him. The weird part is; I really loved that dog, if I would step on its tail by accident or anything like that I would be sad and comforting him. But whenever I felt the need for it (I have no clue why I did) I would take my chance and bully him. There is only one reason I can think of why I did what I did, and that is because I used to be bullied as a kid by my mother who was and still is an alcoholic, She would get me scared, angry or sad and then comfort me, this behavior she repeated for a couple of years from when I was about 4 to 8 yrs old. We got taken away by child protection service and lived with our dad, and from that moment I became a vicious bully myself. This bullying behavior kept with me until I got I severe mental breakdown when I was about 27. And from that point on I started seeing all the bad I had caused, the suffering (mentally and physically). I've bullied many beings (children from school, co-workers, my little brother and our dog) I also used to be a bully towards our pets when I was a child btw, and my mom would tell me the things I according to her had done to rabbits we had (put in the washing machine and other terrible stuff). The latter I can't recall, but she used to keep telling me I did those things, so I believe I did. (she is a manipulating and lying alcoholic, btw). I'm going to dive deeper now into what the bullying of our dog really consisted of, so be warned reading this. (I have sweaty palms typing this, btw, and my heart is pounding out of my chest). • At some point when the dog lived with us, I recall him biting on this bone like sticks, it's those sticks they use to keep good dental health I guess? At some point, I heard him gagging on it because he tried to swallow it, but it was still too big. I got it out of his throat because I felt he might choke on it. And suddenly I got this feeling of power and domination. Ever since that moment I would purposely feed him the stick in a way he would gag on it, but never really up until a point he would fully choke for a long time, just the gagging part is what I was looking for. I don't know why, but the gagging sound really made me feel good for some reason (I know this is so sick btw, I just can't comprehend why I felt like that 😢). • Whenever he needed to pee, I felt this power of being able to decide if we would go out or not, sometimes (not always) I would purposely wait for a while or even longer, and he would be in pain I guess? From it. It even got to the point that I sometimes massaged its belly just to make it feel even worse... and when we finally went outside, and he just had to pee on the curb I felt in control again, I was the one who would decide when to do what. • Once I was cooking and he would always come and sit next to me for pieces of meat, or other snacks, and at some point I recall using some black pepper and chili powder and it got on his nose, he started sneezing. I thought it was funny and I did this many times after, it also irritated his eyes and again I felt like I was in control while doing so. • I had a habit of cooking chicken wings every other Saturday or so, and while eating, he would come and ask for some food. I gave him the leftover bones, and he loved them. The next day I went out to walk with him, and I figured he had issues pooping (I guess from the bone structure it really was hard to get it out). Knowing this, I kept giving him the leftovers on other occasions and found it funny to see him having trouble trying to poop. Again, I felt like I was in control. • During that period I was also a fanatic in sports, and I would sometimes take some extra caffeine powder in a shake just to get some more energy during the day or during workouts. At some point I was wondering; what if I would give this to the dog, would it run faster? Would it go for miles? And as you might guess by now. I tried giving him some through his food, and he ate it. When we went outside, he was going 200% and would run like crazy. Again I did this on several occasions and I never thought of it as harm, just as something funny and innocent. Again I felt like I was in control I guess? I've probably not mentioned all the things I did up here but let me say one thing; just recalling these acts and writing them down really has gotten me sick to my stomach, I don't know how I can make amends. The dog moved to my father-in-law at a farm due to my wife having an allergic reaction to the dog's skin fibers. He lived a happy life over there and I am sincerely extremely happy about that. It's just that I feel like such a monster and rightfully so, Why would I deserve any comfort of living? I mean I mentally and physically abused something which I strangely enough also loved VERY much. I loved the dog to bits, and as I said, if I at some occasion accidentally stepped on is tail, or paw I would feel terrible guilt and comforted him. We were very close as well (as weird as it may sound reading the above) we would lay together on the couch for hours, I would play with him a lot the last 8 years, I've just been asking myself this exact one thing; WHY ? • Why did I do what I did? • why did I not have the insights I have now? • Why did I enjoy being able to hurt something or control something? • and WHY did I do it to something I cared for so much? Many times on this forum I've seen people post about real event OCD and guilt, and actually all of those instances people perceived as they are monsters, while in the actual situation It's nothing more than a minor issue, and does not even come close to real 'dark' acts. But in my case it does. It's just pure evil. There is just one thing I cannot wrap my head around, how could it have been that although I had this sickening behavior towards things and people and beings I cared for. I really really loved them as well. How can one be so evil, and loving at the same time? What kind of sick monster do you have to be? The last 8 years, I've been trying to do as much as I can to make amends in some way. The dog sadly enough passed away 2 years after moving out due to his age I guess (15 yrs). So it's impossible to make amends to the dog. I've become a Vegan about 4 years ago, hoping to recover some of the karma I've inflicted on animals, I've been donating to charities. But nothing I do makes me feel less guilty or remorseful. We have 2 cats right now, and in no way would I ever be able to do those things to them, hence I've become over protective of them. And the same goes for my 2 sons (3 yrs old and 1-year-old). Everyone around me sees I've changed tremendously as a person, I've become way softer, empathic, loving and just way more thoughtful. But It's just never enough, my OCD mainly is about things I've done wrong in the past, and I feel like the subject with the dog is the center of it all. It's the only subject that keep coming back and every progress I've made into recovering from OCD it just destroys it. So I thought that maybe coming clean totally would be the best way of moving on? I've done so many other things, I've confronted myself for my wrongdoings, I've been trying to visualize the dog in front of me and apologizing to him, I've been writing letters of regret for him. But nothing works, not even a tiny bit. I am really lost out here, and I am searching for some advice. It could be that I'm not worthy of feeling ok anymore, I would like to hear so from anyone over here. My guilt and regret even got to the point that on several occasions and especially once occasion I almost committed suicide, as I felt that would be the ultimate way of showing my regret and remorse. If I sacrifice myself, maybe that would show the dog, people and the universe I'm deeply sorry for what I've done. But ever since I started having kids, I feel like I have a new responsibility, they need a father. And we have a seriously good bond. I love them deeply, and they love me as well (i guess). So taking my own life is not an option anymore. But I would love to be able to 'accept' my past, I've learned from it (tremendously) and be the best father and husband I can be. Right now I can't, because I keep feeling I am such a horrible person and don't deserve love, life, family and friends. I would understand if you would judge me, I deserve it. I'm just hoping that people might believe me, that I have changed, and that I am trying my best in every way to somehow right my wrongdoings. Not only that, but I try and save as many animals as I can. I replace slugs, snails and even insects I see walking in front of me on the curb, because I feel it's my duty to save animals from potential harm. It even got to the point where I became fully vegan, but whatever I do, it just never feels enough. I guess real monsters like me should never feel like it's enough, we have to make amends forever. I've gotten an allotment last year, to grow my own veggies, not eating from groceries where pesticides are used and a lot of bugs etc. are killed, without the use of animal manure (which is a by product of animal suffering). And to make a minimal impact on the climate (again saving animal life). Most people that know me think it's crazy that I'm so full of hatred towards myself, they only see the person I am today, but they don't know who I used to be. If they would, they are going to be disgusted with me, and wish me dead.
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