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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Netherlands

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  1. So how do i stop this then? how do i accept the fact i might have caused harm or maybe even death without knowing for sure? Do i just ignore the thoughts as usual with OCD? it feels so wrong to do so... but on the other hand what can i do even more?
  2. But alot of them had to go to get food and stuff. i went for something not important; potting soil, seeds and some latex gloves. Ive tried reaching my psychologist and we can have a call this friday, but i really dont know hot to cope until then. At this moment i constantly get the thought; Is does not matter what you will try to make this go away, fact is that you compromised other peoples lives by being selfish for stupid potting soil, seeds and latex gloves while visiting 3 different shops in a row for those products. I want to know how i can live with having taking such a risk and possibly infecting someone at one of those stores. I have not set a foot outside since then except entering my back garden which by now i also dont feel safe anymore, afraid that this virus i might go airborne from me into another persons house and get them sick. Also i still don't have any symptoms myself of having Corona, so that means its impossible to have infected anybody last saturday right? wel no. ive read online that about 20% of the people will show no symptoms but could possible still be infecting others.
  3. The fact that im getting no reactions makes me feel like i indeed am such a terrible person.
  4. Im constantly anxious. Our goverment just had a press conference where they were semi-mad at all those people that went to busy places, beaches, standing in rows before hardware stores, parks etc etc. And ive also gone to 2 hardware stores and one gardening store last saturday, and i feel like such a criminal... i kept the advices distance of 6 foot as much as i could, and i did not wander for to long. What if i infected someone? and that person is about to die? or he infects someone else and that person dies? I feel like i want to make things better but i cant! im going crazy in here.. and i cannot even go outside to clear my head.
  5. Im just still so scared right now, i feel so guilty.. how can i overcome this?
  6. Yesterday I went out the house. At my wife's request I went to the hardware store to get some potting soil, so that we can finish some things in the garden. Meanwhile i was thinking that it would be nice to get some seeds from the garden store and plant them, this is so we can kill some time in the near future due to corona. I also got latex gloves from 2 hardware stores because of contamination. So I went to 3 stores in total yesterday and where possible I paid as much attention as possible to the appropriate distance with other people, which I almost succeeded in (sometimes i crossed people within 6 feet radius. However, now I am on Facebook today and I see all these posts where people say that they think it is bizarre that everyone in our country has been to beaches, hardware stores and nature locations this weekend. there were even queues at some hardware shops (not the ones went to btw). Now I actually do not come out of the house these times, and try to limit myself as much as possible to go out, but the posts and reactions of people on facebook in general make me feel extreme guilty, and makes me feel like a criminal . I am now in constant panic and fear and I feel incredibly guilty. In our country no lockdown has been announced yet so some stores etc are still open to the public, and altough i rarely go out the house these days, somehow i figured i could go this once to get the soil, seeds and latex gloves. i feel so selfish for this, and im constantly feeling as if im a monster and a criminal for doing this, and maybe im carrying the cirus without showing symptoms and i now have infected other people which may die or infect people who are weaker and die because of that. Please ebar with me on this one, i now ive domne something bad, and im dedicated staying at home right now, i packed food from the stores last week so i dont have to go out as much.
  7. I understand what you mean, but in my mind this is what is going on; When you are aware of the fact that when you go out while you are (possibly) infected and thus indirectly can be the cause of death of other people, and you then still choose to go outside, then you are actually consciously killing ...? So to me it feels like; people who dont kow, cant kill on purpose, people who do know and still take the risk (even if its just 0,1%) you still take the risk of possibly being the cause of someones death right? how is that acceptable? How can i live with the idea that im actually on purpose bringing other people in danger?
  8. Does anyone recognize the following? As of today, I am terrified that I may have corona. However, I notice very little of that really being the case, I had to sneeze today once and a few times a small cough, but nothing structural or something I have no sore throat, no fever nothing you normally would have when feeling sick. If there wasn't a Corona virus pandemic at this point, I probably wouldn't think I might be sick. My fear now is that in spite of possible mild symptoms, I still infect others (my wife) and (my son) and that they possibly infect elderly and weaker people and that these people then die and I'm the one that caused it by infecting my wife and child first or someone at the grocery store. Right now I have this feeling that if I do not isolate myself completely (including from my wife and son) then that does mean i kill people with willingly knowing I 'might' be contagious. My wife is constantly telling me I'm not sick, and it's just my ocd. But how can I be sure? They don't do testing here unless you have very serious symptoms. Is there anyone here who can relate with this? And how do you cope?
  9. Hi all, A lot of my ocd is about past mistakes and wrongdoings, it's so hard to ignore those thoughts just because they are based on something that did really happen in the past. One that came into my mind today is about an incident when i was about 21 - 22 yrs old. (im 32 now btw). Me and some friends of mine were in a bar having a lot of drinks and even some dr*gs were involved (i know that's bad and i have not done dr*gs for years now and never will again). at some point a friend of mine got into an argument with another guy or group and this got out of control real fast and before we knew it they were rolling on the ground fighting, i remember that without any hesitation i threw a punch towards the head of one of the guys (it's very blurry to remember since its so long back and i was quite intoxicated). after that i really don't remember much and everything went by in a split second until the bouncers were there and threw us out. But now like 12 years later i feel huge amounts of guilt like, what if the person i might have hit went paralyzed by that? or even died or traumatized? did i hit the right person? or was he maybe not involved and innocent? well i can keep going on and on. I know aggression and violence are never ok but it was a split moment decision where a friend of mine was being attacked (at least that is how i remember it). I have never ever been in such a situation again and i really don't like aggression or violence. Actually im a very peaceful person and i feel a big inner struggle about this situation. anyone got some advice?
  10. Hello all! Since yesterday I have been having more issues with my OCD, for the following reason. I have been a vegan for 2 years now, and i do this purely for the sake of the animals. I always try to be very attentive to this, but yesterday something happened that gave me a lot of fear. Because I was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of Soy yogurt and fruit, I had a baby biscuit on my magazine for my son (1 year old) which in my opinion contained animal ingredients. While eating my yoghurt I picked up the magazine and noticed all crumbs that fell off, some of which fell in the yogurt. Now I was in an internal debate, am I throwing that entire bowl away now? or do I just eat it because it's just a few crumbs? I just ate it at the time, but also to challenge my OCD because I knew it would flare up (exposure). within a couple of minutes after I had eaten the dish, I panicked and felt enormously guilty, I then went to an American vegan facebook group, and told my story there. I received a few very angry reactions, such as that it was f *** up that I knowingly ate that bowl of yoghurt knowing that crumbs had ended up in it, and that I was not vegan because I chose to do it anyway. Now I feel really worthless since then, and a failed vegan. While I do my best to do everything right! Especially those people who reacted so hard have really scared me, and now I am convinced that I am a bad person and have thrown away my moral and ethical values for my own own sake, this hurts so much!
  11. How exactly did you do that? Because I've tried something like that in the past. But somehow it never really feels 'true'.
  12. Would self forgiveness aid in recovery? Or would it be more like a compulsion?
  13. I guess I'm looking for reassurence. The topic has bothered me in the past, but new 'evidence' now came along this time making me believe I truly did something disturbing by watching those videos. It's just so hard right now with my ocd. It jumps from topic to topic. And my appointment with my psychologist is upcoming Monday. While I've been having no appointments for the last 3 weeks due to holidays. And the meds were tapered down this year to a quarter of what I did use to take, which whe have increased again back up to its max dose. I'm now almost 2 weeks into this dosage, and I guess that may be causing extra ocd flare ups as well. I've been in this situation before, but everytime a major relapse happens like this I feel extremely desperate and am constantly worrying if this will ever get better again.
  14. Hi everyone. This post can be triggering. I've been trying to refrain from posting here because I don't want to feed the obsessions I have, and it is so hard. But somehow this new obsession came up about me watching extremely disturbing videos when I was younger (16 - 24) with friends about terrorist beheading, murders, people set on fire etc etc. I feel so bad and sick for having seen those videos back then, and I'm not sure why I did it. I believe it was more out of curiosity and a certain feeling of thrill. But I remember that at some point when i was about 24 or 25 years old (6 tot 7 years ago) I got sick and disturbed when someone showed them to me, and I've not watched them ever again. I just feel so bad and guilty for having done this. Does it mean I'm a monster or a crazy person? I also get flashbacks of those videos now that my ocd has latched on to this. Please help!
  15. I'm trying to ignore the thoughts and sort of accept them. But when doing so it feels as if I accept that I am those things I think about myself, which feels very scary to me.
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