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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Netherlands

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  1. Hi. To be quite straightforward. Me and my wife have opposite opinions about covid 19 I feel as if we just have to comply with the rules just so we can get back to normal asap. My wife is all against the measures, and thinks I'm crazy and brainwashed for believing what the government wants us to do. Now I don't trust the government a 100% and I do my own research. But the measures that are set in place I will comply to. My wife does not and this is where we clash almost every single day these last weeks. We have a son who is almost 2 and I am married aswell. On top of that my wife is now about 8 weeks pregnant. Everytime I try and talk about the subject she gets emotional en angry with me. All I want is for us to be on the same page with how we deal with covid inside and around our house. I told her I want us to atleast uphold the measures in our house and respect each other. Whatever we do when we are out the house on our own I don't mind. If she won't wear a face mask, it's her decision etc etc. But in the house I just demand we comply. She also told me that the stress is bad for the baby inside her, and that I am the cause of this stress inside the house. (yes I do ask her about how she will comply with the rules inside and outside the house, but that is because I know she won't comply sith them. And I want to make sure she does). But now I feel extreme guilt I feel she might have problems during pregnancy and that it's my fault. She is not open for a conversation. She tells me she does not want to talk about the situation right now in the world as it only gives her stress, and this causes us to be on completely diffrent pages. Any advice here? And especially how to gaurd myself from letting ocd get a hold on this?
  2. Well maybe... i dont know... i really dont know why i did not prevent him from getting in the cables proximity. Altough they were like 12 inches away from the lamp he was trying to touch, i feel i should have removed him from the situation no matter what. Because i know that if he wanted to he might hav been able to grab those cables before i could intervene. its so hard, because im tryin to replay the situation i my head and remember if i was close enough to him to intervene from touching the cables, all the while i was sort of 'experimenting' with him being more able to discover things on himself without constant interruptions by me, because im afraid something might happen. What do i need to do to move on from this? Why cant i shake the feeling / thought that my actions implied i migt have been ok with him being harmed? Why would i want such a thing?
  3. Hi everybody. I find it difficult to figure out how to deal with these OCD / obsessive thoughts. Yesterday I went for a walk (outside) with my son who is now almost 2 years old. It is often the case that while walking he likes to touch everything (cars, fences, plants etc etc). This is of course completely normal for a small child as they are very curious. However, while walking we then walked past a piece of the garden of a resident. and in his front yard he had some garden lights (low to the ground) and about 30 cm next to such a garden light was a spool of cables (most likely power cables). and my son stopped by the garden lamp, while I saw that the cable was right next to it. The moment he touched the lamp with his hand, I took him away. However, afterwards I now have the feeling and the idea that I have exposed him to danger. And I just can't get it out of my mind why I did not intervene immediately (when he stopped at this garden lamp) and removed him from there. I remember that during our walk I noticed that I very often and very quickly tried to remove or avoid him from certain situations. but of course he also has to learn to trial and error. And so I just let him touch a few more things. But I can't get out of my head why I allowed him to touch that garden lamp (at least I gave him the opportunity to just look at it, and once he would try and touch, I had already told myself that I would then take him away en tell him its someone property and its not for him to touch. But what if he suddenly grabbed those cables? I was aware at the time that they were there, and yet I let him stand and see if he would stay away from it on his own. Now it feels like I consciously agreed that he could have possibly been harmed. My wife then told me that they were probably not power cables, but I am not convinced. I really want to go back (across the street) and see what the cables are. But I also know that if they aren't power cables, I won't settle for that. since at the time I didn't know what the cables were. and thus i accepted the fact that they must have been power cables. I now constantly have images in my head that my son is being electrocuted or something like that. And I feel so much guilt about that. I really could use some help. Normally I am often overprotective and afraid that he will contract something or get hurt. and this also bothered me a lot with my OCD. But now I was consciously trying no to intervene beforehand out of overprotectivesness, and then this happened! I feel so much guilt. I feel that if this situaion would have happened 100 times that atleast one out of those 100 thing would have gone bad, and i feel like i should be held accountable for the what if scenario from 1 out of a 100.
  4. Hi all. Today I had a terrible situation happening. I've been working on a new job for about 2 weeks now, and in my first week I met alot of new coworkers of which some are female. And some of those woman are attractive as well. But here comes the issue. I am happily married and have a son who is about to turn 2 in December. I want to be with my wife and son. But due to my job I have to visit diffrent locations and attend some meetings. While I was at this work location I thought to myself to bring a visit to some new colleagues and introduce myself. And I knew that upstairs there is a office where a woman of my age who seems quite attractive is working, we already met once and introduced. So I thought to myself well let's make another chat (the fact that she is attractive was in my mind and possibly also played a big part in me hopping by). But to my surprise someone else was there (another woman) who also seems quite attractive.i walked in, introduced myself and we talked for a bit. During the conversation I was quite aware about the fact that I thought she was attractive and I got a groinal response. After the conv I went to the bathroom and saw I had some precum in my boxer. Now I feel incredible guilt towards my wife, child and the coworker. What should I do? Do I confess what happened?
  5. I het what your saying and that ocd probably makes me look at those pics. That is not really the case because the ocd kicks in couple of seconds after looking at the picture or fb story shared. But somehow it seems as if I 'accidentally' seem to end up looking more at pictures where children are in then other pictures. (or it might seems as if that's the case because my ocd is hyperaware of this now?) I'm not really sure what to think of it. I don't have any active fantasies or thoughts about sexual intercourse with minors, I just hate that I somehow seem to give more attention to these pics, and once ocd kicks in I quickly swipe the screen away.
  6. Hello, everyone. I've been battling OCD for quite a while now. RecentlyI 've started to get p OCD again. Especially when surfing the internet, like Facebook, or Instagram. Whenever I'm scrolling somehow I seem to stop scrolling when there's posts with pictures of children I don't think I'm doing it consciously. But somehow my OCD tells me that in my subconscious mind, there must be a reason why I'm always stopping the scrolling when there's children in those pictures. So right now, when I'm scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, and I see a child, I scroll even harder just to prove to myself that I'm not a pedophile. Today while scrolling, I again ended up stopping at pictures from children. And I initially got a groinal response I know I should not give this any attention because I know that I'm not attracted to children. I never have fantasies about it or anything But somehow My mind is telling me that because alot of the times I somehow (accidently) take a longer look at these pictures that it must mean something. And I did not took a longer look because of my ocd. I took a longer look because I was honestly interested in the post or picture. Why is that? I do also seem to look longer at other posts or pictures not related to children. But I feel that it's more frequent with the ones that do show children. Why is that? What does it say about me? I don't believe I have sexual desires towards them, but my mind is confusing me why else I would look at them?
  7. I just dont know how to not think of it while going trough the day. It feels as if once you get the knowledge and understanding there is so much suffering around you and also done by you then its impossible to be ok with that. Who want to cause such amounts of suffering? All i tried doing the last couple of years is being the best person i can be, and still i cause a lot of suffering. Im also a vegan, and my reason for that is that i want to minimize suffering around me. and with this new ocd theme i got im an this point where i feel im unable to choose where to go. Sometimes i feel the only way to cause 0 suffering is by not existing anymore, but since me and my therapists have agreed one one thing which is no matter how dark things get, suicide is never an option. I dont want my son to grow up without a father and i dont want my wife to become a single mom. Now this causes me to only see one way out and that is becoming desensitized to suffering / killing / and murder But if i try to become desensitized from that would that not make things worse? would i not become the monster im so afraid of troughout all my OCD themes? What kind of person will i become if i try to not care about ÁNY suffering. Its impossible for me to undo the knowing of suffering of all life around me and by me. So i cannot undo that what i know. im afraid of what ill become, but what are my options here?
  8. I'm really on a dead end here. On the one hand it feels as if I am continuously (consciously) and also unconsciously responsible for immense suffering and death, and on the other hand if I do not live my life then I also hurt others as in Friends, family and even all the micro(organisms) living on and inside me. Whether it is my family where I often have difficulty handling because of my OCD. The thing that really makes me emotional is my son. i just want him to have a healthy and organized dad. not some guy who constantly is afraid of everything. And what makes me even more anxious is that I get thoughts that my son's life cannot be as important as that of millions of other (micro) organisms. How do I justify it to myself that I cause suffering to other (micro) organisms. and that my wife and my son are of paramount importance to me? Isn't that incredibly selfish?
  9. Goodday everyone. So I have had a form of OCD for several days now (in the past i had similar OCD themes btw). where I am convinced that I am continuously the cause of a lot of suffering. It started yesterday while running (something I recently tried to pick up again by the way). The route goes largely through wooded area and on the running trail there are often slugs crossing, I was very aware of this to ensure that I would not step on any of them, but when I got home I was not convinced that I may not have trampled on one or more slugs, i felt a lot of guilt. This made me immediately super conscious of where I walked and how I walked, this led to the thought that with every footstep, touch etc etc I kill thousands or perhaps millions of microorganisms. Thus I have now reached the point where I have thoughts such as; * Why is my life (1 life) worth more than all those millions of other lives? I am now afraid to clean surfaces, for example, because that could kill the microorganisms on that surface. and for what reason? so that it looks 'cleaner'? I feel like everything we humans do is dominated by selfishness and destruction, and I don't want to be part of such a society. What also hurts me a lot is that my son, who I love very much, often comes back in these thoughts, I think, for example; I have to keep it clean at home so he doesn't get sick. But how can I put the life of 1 person above that of millions of other organisms? So now I have come to the point that I feel I have to accept that I am a mass murderer, because I don't want to make my son a victim of this. It feels really dark and bad to accept the fact i kill so many lives everyday / moment / hour. Its unfair. I know that this is how everything is supposed to go, and that the whole universe is about life and death. But why tho? why do we even live? just to feel pain and die? I am very confused about this, and it also makes me really question the reason why i or why we are here. What is the meaning of all this? all this life and death and suffering but also joy and happiness?
  10. I cant stop but keep 'compulsively' compare how i feel to black people or white people, i find myself now constantly thinking, do i feel superior? do i care as much for a 'coloured' person as for a 'white' person? I want to believe i do, as i stated before i have had some great friendships with coloured people, and never did i had the feeling during those friendships i was superior or anything like that. But now i cant stop checking my feelings, and its driving me nuts. I just so badly dont want to be a racist, that its actually making me feel as if i am a racist. Why would anyone be so obsessed not being something? maybe because deep down your are? So confused right now.
  11. I just dont know how to move on from it. I keep feeling guilty and checking newsfeed online about this movement right now, and I just feel so bad for it. Especially the way I said things in the past, made jokes, and said bad things. But also for still upon this day have prejudices and feel attacked when racism is being discussed. I mean why would I feel attacked when it's being discussed? Because I'm racist maybe? I don't feel superior or anything like that towards people with other skin color. I just want to know how to get past this.
  12. Hi all, Due to all the stuff going on now i became scared that i might have been racist in the past or still am. let me elaborate. When i was younger me and a friend of mine would make jokes about people with darker skin, not like directly to them but just in general, we even called them names like some animals because of their colour, and although i did not consider myself a racist afterall because i had black friends, listened to a lot of music made by black people, even had a girlfriend who was asian and thus had a colour. but at times i would just say stupid stuff to sound funny or cool towards friends etc. These days i don't do those things anymore i really watch my words as i know they can offend others. i still don't really see myself as a racist, because i don't feel superior to any other ‘’race’’ or skin colour, i don't mind working with people of other skin colour, and i would even invite them in my home or could enjoy spending time together. But at some occasions i catch myself with an inner dialogue in certain situations where i seem to have prejudices about other ‘races’. I feel attacked when a lot of people say that white people are racist, its as if they are attacking me personally, and in response to that i feel guilty because i think that i could only feel offended if i actually would be a racist. I'm just really stuck in this thinking pattern and don't know what to do, i even find myself being extra nice now to people who have different skin colour to me because i feel i need to prove i'm not racist.
  13. I just wanted to post something else than my usual OCD themes. I wanted to thank all of the members here for their support and help when times are difficult during OCD times. Especially those who are ex-sufferers, and take the time to come here and try to lift us up from this horrible condition. A lot of times I did not understand what you people tried to tell me, sometimes I even got mad inside for not getting the reassurance I was seeking for. But in hindsight, I'm very glad most of you guys did not go with me into that rabbit hole. I think those who help us here deserve a grand applause. 👍
  14. I talked with my psych today. she told me that even if it were the 'worst-case' scenario and I had sexual intentions then my son will not have picked up anything from it since there were no weird (interactions). A lot of parents at some point in their life probably are maybe interested in a normal/sexual way how their child reacts to stuff and might sometimes provoke things? I am Not sure what to think about all this. She told me that life just hit me in general and if she thought I would be a danger to the people around me she definitely would 'know'. So what does all of this even mean? For me not to worry? or that I indeed did something 'weird'. (if I did it at all).
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