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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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    Male
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    Netherlands

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  1. I just dont know how to not think of it while going trough the day. It feels as if once you get the knowledge and understanding there is so much suffering around you and also done by you then its impossible to be ok with that. Who want to cause such amounts of suffering? All i tried doing the last couple of years is being the best person i can be, and still i cause a lot of suffering. Im also a vegan, and my reason for that is that i want to minimize suffering around me. and with this new ocd theme i got im an this point where i feel im unable to choose where to go. Sometimes i feel the only way to cause 0 suffering is by not existing anymore, but since me and my therapists have agreed one one thing which is no matter how dark things get, suicide is never an option. I dont want my son to grow up without a father and i dont want my wife to become a single mom. Now this causes me to only see one way out and that is becoming desensitized to suffering / killing / and murder But if i try to become desensitized from that would that not make things worse? would i not become the monster im so afraid of troughout all my OCD themes? What kind of person will i become if i try to not care about ÁNY suffering. Its impossible for me to undo the knowing of suffering of all life around me and by me. So i cannot undo that what i know. im afraid of what ill become, but what are my options here?
  2. I'm really on a dead end here. On the one hand it feels as if I am continuously (consciously) and also unconsciously responsible for immense suffering and death, and on the other hand if I do not live my life then I also hurt others as in Friends, family and even all the micro(organisms) living on and inside me. Whether it is my family where I often have difficulty handling because of my OCD. The thing that really makes me emotional is my son. i just want him to have a healthy and organized dad. not some guy who constantly is afraid of everything. And what makes me even more anxious is that I get thoughts that my son's life cannot be as important as that of millions of other (micro) organisms. How do I justify it to myself that I cause suffering to other (micro) organisms. and that my wife and my son are of paramount importance to me? Isn't that incredibly selfish?
  3. Goodday everyone. So I have had a form of OCD for several days now (in the past i had similar OCD themes btw). where I am convinced that I am continuously the cause of a lot of suffering. It started yesterday while running (something I recently tried to pick up again by the way). The route goes largely through wooded area and on the running trail there are often slugs crossing, I was very aware of this to ensure that I would not step on any of them, but when I got home I was not convinced that I may not have trampled on one or more slugs, i felt a lot of guilt. This made me immediately super conscious of where I walked and how I walked, this led to the thought that with every footstep, touch etc etc I kill thousands or perhaps millions of microorganisms. Thus I have now reached the point where I have thoughts such as; * Why is my life (1 life) worth more than all those millions of other lives? I am now afraid to clean surfaces, for example, because that could kill the microorganisms on that surface. and for what reason? so that it looks 'cleaner'? I feel like everything we humans do is dominated by selfishness and destruction, and I don't want to be part of such a society. What also hurts me a lot is that my son, who I love very much, often comes back in these thoughts, I think, for example; I have to keep it clean at home so he doesn't get sick. But how can I put the life of 1 person above that of millions of other organisms? So now I have come to the point that I feel I have to accept that I am a mass murderer, because I don't want to make my son a victim of this. It feels really dark and bad to accept the fact i kill so many lives everyday / moment / hour. Its unfair. I know that this is how everything is supposed to go, and that the whole universe is about life and death. But why tho? why do we even live? just to feel pain and die? I am very confused about this, and it also makes me really question the reason why i or why we are here. What is the meaning of all this? all this life and death and suffering but also joy and happiness?
  4. I cant stop but keep 'compulsively' compare how i feel to black people or white people, i find myself now constantly thinking, do i feel superior? do i care as much for a 'coloured' person as for a 'white' person? I want to believe i do, as i stated before i have had some great friendships with coloured people, and never did i had the feeling during those friendships i was superior or anything like that. But now i cant stop checking my feelings, and its driving me nuts. I just so badly dont want to be a racist, that its actually making me feel as if i am a racist. Why would anyone be so obsessed not being something? maybe because deep down your are? So confused right now.
  5. I just dont know how to move on from it. I keep feeling guilty and checking newsfeed online about this movement right now, and I just feel so bad for it. Especially the way I said things in the past, made jokes, and said bad things. But also for still upon this day have prejudices and feel attacked when racism is being discussed. I mean why would I feel attacked when it's being discussed? Because I'm racist maybe? I don't feel superior or anything like that towards people with other skin color. I just want to know how to get past this.
  6. Hi all, Due to all the stuff going on now i became scared that i might have been racist in the past or still am. let me elaborate. When i was younger me and a friend of mine would make jokes about people with darker skin, not like directly to them but just in general, we even called them names like some animals because of their colour, and although i did not consider myself a racist afterall because i had black friends, listened to a lot of music made by black people, even had a girlfriend who was asian and thus had a colour. but at times i would just say stupid stuff to sound funny or cool towards friends etc. These days i don't do those things anymore i really watch my words as i know they can offend others. i still don't really see myself as a racist, because i don't feel superior to any other ‘’race’’ or skin colour, i don't mind working with people of other skin colour, and i would even invite them in my home or could enjoy spending time together. But at some occasions i catch myself with an inner dialogue in certain situations where i seem to have prejudices about other ‘races’. I feel attacked when a lot of people say that white people are racist, its as if they are attacking me personally, and in response to that i feel guilty because i think that i could only feel offended if i actually would be a racist. I'm just really stuck in this thinking pattern and don't know what to do, i even find myself being extra nice now to people who have different skin colour to me because i feel i need to prove i'm not racist.
  7. I just wanted to post something else than my usual OCD themes. I wanted to thank all of the members here for their support and help when times are difficult during OCD times. Especially those who are ex-sufferers, and take the time to come here and try to lift us up from this horrible condition. A lot of times I did not understand what you people tried to tell me, sometimes I even got mad inside for not getting the reassurance I was seeking for. But in hindsight, I'm very glad most of you guys did not go with me into that rabbit hole. I think those who help us here deserve a grand applause. 👍
  8. I talked with my psych today. she told me that even if it were the 'worst-case' scenario and I had sexual intentions then my son will not have picked up anything from it since there were no weird (interactions). A lot of parents at some point in their life probably are maybe interested in a normal/sexual way how their child reacts to stuff and might sometimes provoke things? I am Not sure what to think about all this. She told me that life just hit me in general and if she thought I would be a danger to the people around me she definitely would 'know'. So what does all of this even mean? For me not to worry? or that I indeed did something 'weird'. (if I did it at all).
  9. @PolarBear You say its insignificant, but how is it insignificant? What if there may have been some sexual attraction/motivation for cleaning him again 'until' he got erect once more? Every time I see my son, I see this broken molested kid. It hurts so bad. Although he shows no signs of being traumatized or anything, its the image I get when I see him. Because of this, I avoid him a lot, because it gives me so much grieve and pain, all I can see is an innocent child possibly molested by his father. And what hurts even more, is that I know I'm not attracted to children, If I was I at least could maybe accept this situation. @dksea But what you've written here is that not only applicable to people who know deep down something is true or false> For me, I don't know if it is true, on the contrary, I believe I'm more leaning towards that it is true that I molested. @dksea @PolarBear In the past with a lot of my obsessions deep down I knew the real truth, and that OCD just tried to distort that. But right now I don't know my 'real' intention from that brief moment in between the 2 wipes. like I stated above my mind is heavily leaning towards that is must have been sexually motivated it feels like a 99 to 1 ratio as to the 99 means it was sexual and the 1 means it was non-sexual. And even typing out the 99 vs 1 ratio makes me feel like I'm still lying because deep down I know it must be 100 vs 0.
  10. My feeling says that thatis what happened. I cleaned him. trough the babywipe i even felt his genital becoming erect from me cleaning it. this took me a couple more seconds. Then i finished with the frst babywipe. I had a brief moment of nothing in which i decided to grab another wipe, i then had some thoughts like. hmm maybe it will become erect again? and i think while i was getting that thought i might have enjoyed that thought??? I went in for the second babywipe cleaning, and after couple of seconds i could notive his genital becoming erect again, id did not stop immediatly it kept for maybe 2 or 3 seconds. then i stopped, and then i panicked. This is how i 'now' remeber what has happened. due to the fact that i might have enjoyed the thought him becoming erect again, i feel that is alot of evidence that its abuse...? Altough on other occasions i cleaned his genital with 1, 2 or 3 wipes without having had those thoughts. so im aware my child has noticed nothing from it, but that is not the problem here right? the problem is wat was my biggest motivation going for another clean? Altough usually i also have a bit ocd about him being really clean, i tend to make sure not a bit of feces ar still between his butcheeks, and that i feel like his genital area is 'fresh'. I think that this time i was not so keen on the cleaning bit?? I guess its because after the first wipe when he got erect alot of my intention went to that, but i had no ocd thoughts about it in a sense that it might be bad an gross pocd like of me to touch again. it almost seems as if the 'real' me was ok with it. which must mean i myself must have wanted to touch it again and him getting erect again? On the contrary, ive never had such ideas before, ive never been curious or sexually aroused by the idea it might happen before. in all these 18months he is with us, and ive been changing his diaper, not once did something like that occur to me. that is why i dont understand why it could have happened now. ive tried thinking about if i feel attracted to kids. but i just dont. the moment i think of my wife naked i immediatly react to it and do feel aroused. Is it possible that a non pedo could still be curious, and onc ein his or her lifetime 'try' something?
  11. It feels as if by assuming nothing has happened l, I'm trying to believe my own lie. While if I'm trying to assume that it indeed was for sexual gratification, I don't see any place for myself anymore in this world, but I want to be here, I want to live and enjoy life with my wife and son. So this means I should (feeling wise) ly to myself and assume nothing has happened? Until I might start to believe my own lie.
  12. Because it feels impossible to assume nothing has happened. I'm trying my best to take that as a starting point but everytime I do so I have this inner feeling / voice that says; you know this is not true, you are lying to yourself is you act like nothing has happened. I'm just getting so sick of it at this point. I cannot exclude it was not sexually motivated but I also cannot exclude it was nothing but just cleaning. What might have contributed was that after the first 'clean' when he got a erections I became quite aware of what had happened, and now it feels as if I went in for another clean without real hesitation while thinking 'he might get erect again'. I don't remember I felt disgust by that thought, but I also don't remember I felt alot of joy in that it might happen again. But maybe some interest. Eveb now while typing it might have been nothing or some small interest I get this same feeling inside that goes like; don't deny the truth, you went in for sexual gratification. Something else that really got stuck in my mind was the woman on Facebook that said the exact words 'its disturbing that your cleaning your son until he gets erect. And now I feel as if it was my goal to get him erect again, and I just don't know if that's true or not (thought pops up again now that I'm again denying the truth).
  13. One other thing I want to add is that almost always with ocd you know deep down something was or was not your intention. But with this specific incident I don't feel that 'deep down inside feeling'.
  14. @dksea @snowbear thank you for your constructive feedback. I know I'm seeing this as a all or nothing situation. The fact that it might have been out of curiosity is now shifting towards it might have been with a sexual motive. Although I cannot remember I got aroused by it. And have never been aroused by changing my son's diaper or occasionally him having an erection. But that does not mean that this specific moment could not have partly been with a sexual motive. Right now I'm going with the worst case scenario and that is: I cleaned him with a second wipe mostly for sexual gratification. If that is my starting point right now, how do I deal with that? Given I still know sure I normally do not feel attracted to my son or other children, on the contrary I enjoy adult woman alot. But it could have been that at that moment something inside of me wanted to explore if I had that same kind of interest in children? (not in a ocd checking kind of way, but truly and honest interest if I'm feeling sexual aroused by it). How do I accept that?
  15. Sorry to read what you are going Trough Phil. I'm not really in a place to give advice right now since I'm battling my own ocd relapse at this moment. The only thing I can see is that you and I ruminate way to much which a lot of wise people here on the forums with years and years of experience try to keep telling us. We need to stop that. Although I'm not really sure how to since my thoughts keep going there or images are sort of printed in my vision we need to try and not go into that rabbit hole I wish you lots of luck dealing with your ocd.
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