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Pepper22

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  1. It is a a strange relief to know that my symptoms getting significantly worse in the last week or so could be down to the SSRI. I am finding the urge to run away from everything and everyone, curl up in a ball and sleep is increasing. The OCD is winning, making me believe everything I think, all the intrusive thoughts, are real. So if I lock myself away the OCD thoughts and compulsions will just go away!! I am having to fight it every second and I am tired - the techniques that used to work for me are no longer working a lot of the time. Does it ever get easier? And if so, how?! It may be a simple question but right now, I have lost all hope of ever recovering
  2. Please help! I am feeling so desperately lost with this condition. I don’t know what to believe anymore, I am so close to just letting it win and hiding away from everything and everyone. It has totally taken control of my every minute - the intrusive thoughts about my fiancé and our relationship are just never ending. The fact I totally lost my libido after my father died last summer is only fuelling the fire. i have been to see my psychiatrist and she put me back on an SSRI, although we have to work up to the right dosage. But I feel like since I started taking it this week, my OCD and related anxiety as increased ten fold. Is that a thing? I think I remember her saying before that it gets worse before it gets better but I am really really struggling to cope. It feels like I am drowning and I have almost lost all hope of ever being ‘rid’ of this condition. my father used to be the person I spoke to in moments of OCD desperation, but I no longer have him and so the feeling of being alone and lost is just increasing. As much as my friends and fiancé are so supportive, I don’t think they fully understand and the fact my intrusive thoughts are all about my relationship with him means I am terrified of telling him! How can I break the cycle of compulsions when the intrusive thoughts come so thick and fast I almost can’t get away from them? i have not yet considered exposure therapy and I am not sure I understand how it works. Has anyone else done exposure therapy for intrusive thoughts OCD (in particular relationship OCD)?? Thank you so much for keeping supporting me in trying to tackle what we all know is a cruel condition that is the enemy of happiness.
  3. Thank you so much Cub. I still don’t really understand how and why my father’s death would have triggered my OCD so badly but I am trying to get through it. Like you my father was my closest confidant about my OCD and so I am struggling to find outlets to discuss it. I talk to my fiancé about it a lot but as it is Relationship intrusive thoughts OCD I don’t always feels truly comfortable sharing the details with him (despite him telling me it’s okay - I am worried it will scare him off!!) i am really finding it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have downloaded an app called GGROCD which is designed to help specifically with relationship intrusive thoughts and have been using it for a few days - and it seems to help a little but the bombardment in thoughts is just never ending!! I am constantly fighting it almost every minute, the intrusive thoughts about my fiancé and the idea of doing something rash and ending it (something I definitely know I don’t want to do) and the OCD monster just keeps arguing it! Is it possible to be/feel truly OCD free or even have it at a stage where each day it’s manageable? Thank you OCDhavenobrain - I didn’t know it would be it is the only major thing that I think could trigger it. Although I have been struggling with a relapse for a long time.
  4. That’s is one of the big things I am struggling with. I cannot seem to get into the right mindset. My pursuit of perfection has prevented my happiness all my life and it seems right now that it is providing an ample feeding ground for the intrusive thoughts. I am not happy and it is killing me. I am trying all the techniques that my psychologist has taught me but they don’t seem to be working at all. The OCD has totally won, it has made me believe things that aren’t real, and keeps going. I am so scared that I will do something rash that I will end up regretting all my life because it has managed to totally persuade me the thoughts are real and mean something. I feel lost and helpless - like nothing is working anymore and I just keep begging the OCD to stop. i don’t want it and I want to get more help but I don’t know how or where given I already get help? I used to be on medication but I think that was a temporary fix? I am open to trying new techniques other than CBT to try and get this monster under control again.
  5. It is just horrific. It never lets up - I know it’s not me, but it won’t relent or give up. It just won’t let me be happy and content, it attacks my relationship for the majority of every day. Tells me I would be better on my own, if I just ran away I wouldn’t have OCD anymore. i am really struggling to cope with it all. I am seeing my psychologist again which is beneficial, and she suggested we work on what is the main driver/starting point of the OCD, my obsession with perfection and my total inability to cope with/accept anything other than perfection. This has helped but at the same time I feel that it has done nothing - does anyone else find this? It is like I have a big bubble around me and anything positive bounces off and doesn’t get through and everything negative no matter how small always gets through. I am really getting to the end of my ability to copy. My poor fiancé is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he supports me no matter what, but I feel so bad for him having to put up with this!! I don’t know what to do anymore - I am so lost with sadness and grief never mind the fact my OCD has totally taken over my life and controls me, defines my everyday. Please please help me
  6. Hello Petal, thank you so much for your kind support. You have such wise words. I am sorry to hear about your mother. It has been quite the rollercoaster with the grief and then the sheer joy, and it’s proving problematic. I have gone back to see my specialist and she provided some guidance on how my management techniques seemed to have become compulsions. I am not good at treating myself with kindness and expect everything to be perfect at all times (recipe for disaster really), and the intrusive thoughts have gone through the roof. I appear to go from a good moment to a bad moment so quickly (particularly with wedding planning already kicking off). How do you now trust and know who you really are and not believe the thoughts are real? It is true wedmin does provide some interesting diversions. Your advice about trying to make my thoughts about my father positive, and what he would have wanted for me, rather than sad and about missing him doesn’t seem to be hugely possible at the moment. I seem to either not want to think about it or when I do I get sad. But hopefully one day I will be able to remember the amazing happy positive memories of him, and how he is watching over me every day. Since speaking to you on this forum and seeing my specialist again, I do feel more positive about fighting this ghastly condition and that I can do it, maybe not overnight but I can do it. I have to keep fighting, as I had pretty much given up hope. Thank you so much again Petal, you have been so helpful and I really appreciate it.
  7. Thank you so much Closed for repairs. It is so so exciting so I hope this monster goes away one day. You are completely right, we had talked about it and I really wanted to, I just guess it’s a total shock as I thought I would never be lucky enough. He is the most amazing person and I know I love him more than anything, but this OCD monster is eating away at my happiness all day every day. The intrusive thoughts are almost entirely about him, and our relationship, and now our engagement. I don’t know about you but I find it all very exhausting. My father passed away suddenly very recently and so the whole set of circumstances now are not helped by my sadness and guilt at feeling happy due to that. It is interesting to hear that the apprehension about getting married is not just specific to me. It has not sunk in at all. The thoughts are entirely picking out and focusing on all negatives possible, so I am going back to my therapist for more CBT as my techniques don’t seem to be working. I think they have become more of a compulsion. I don’t think I will ever be a grown up really so that is funny you say most people probably feel that way! Thank you so much for your support. I am just feeling so lost and up and down like a rollercoaster. Like I will never be free from this monster however much I try and want to be.
  8. Thank you so much Gemma7. I am struggling enormously and feel like I am alone as don’t feel I can voice the thoughts in my head and why I am not coping. It had got considerably worse in the last few days as my boyfriend and I got engaged last week, so now all the negative intrusive thoughts have increased ten fold. I feel so guilty as my father isn’t here, I am happy and so excited, but all the negative thoughts are eating away at me - like, is he the right one (despite knowing I wanted to marry him since we first started going out), will this change our relationship, will we be happy, I have to act like an adult now, am I ready? The thought that having wanted this for so long, why hasn’t the engagement made my intrusive thoughts go away. I can’t cope with it anymore - it is eating into all my happiness. I feel like I have imposter syndrome like this isn’t me, but the monster is convincing me so successfully that these intrusive thoughts are true. I am hoping to see my CBT specialist on Thursday morning, I am just losing control of my life due to this horrific condition. I don’t feel like now we are engaged I can talk to anyone about how it has impacted my OCD. I feel lost and alone. Is this sort of thing/these thoughts normal? I have no idea what is normal anymore. I feel I have lost my identity and ability to understand myself and who I really am anymore. I don’t trust myself at all.
  9. Hello Gemma7, thank you so much for your reply above. I have not been seeing a CBT specialist for a year or so now as I thought I had got to a place where I had the tools to manage my OCD monster, but I have really regressed in the last few months and so am going to get back in touch with my CBT specialist. I feel a little stupid, but I am not sure now how not to do my compulsions. Every time I have a bad thought I either tell myself it’s just my OCD monster and/or do my compulsions - most likely the latter. It seems I am on this cycle where I’m stuck, because the thoughts keep coming thick and fast. In the small chance I manage to get through one thought cycle, another will come and it feeds the cycle again. By telling myself it’s just my OCD monster when I have these thoughts, do you think that is just feeding it more? It is like you say a more let things be approach. I don’t know if I truly know how to just let the thoughts come and go and accept them now
  10. Thank you PolarBear and Emsie for helping me. I am absolutely doing the compulsions the whole time. I try and neutralise the thoughts and rationalise them. It’s at the point where I am starting to think they are real even though my non-OCD side of my brain knows they are not. They get in an vicious cycle argument and inevitably the intrusive thoughts win. I do a lot of self assuring and even assuring from him all the time. I know these are compulsions but I cannot seem to stop doing them. The thoughts just keep coming and compound the problem. I am a total perfectionist and so when things are not perfect (as expected almost all the time) I find it difficult to cope and it makes my rash, irrational, OCD intrusive thoughts ten fold and my anxiety increase exponentially. Is it strange that I know my compulsions and I have techniques to try and stop them but they aren’t working? I am stuck in this cycle every day of it getting worse and worse. Then when the grief takes over it just makes it worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I had been doing so much better using the techniques and they were working a lot of the time. How do I stop my compulsions when I know what they are?
  11. Hello, I have been in need of like-minded support for some time now. My father recently passed away unexpectedly and very quickly, and I am struggling immensely with the grief. Asides from the grief which is proving very hard, another side effect is that my OCD has increased exponentially. It is really focusing on my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years. He has been my rock through all of this and I am more madly in love with him than ever. But every single day I get intrusive thoughts about him, that I don’t love him, that he doesn’t love me, that I fancy other people, that I should be on my own and we shouldn’t be together and that I should break up with him. It particularly triggers when I am around other men including my friends. It is as if whenever I am talking to another male (eg friend or colleague) it triggers my OCD, I get major intrusive thoughts about how I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend. I have a male friend that years ago I was told fancied me but I didn’t/don’t, and my OCD seems to trigger in relation to him as well as my other male friends. It seems as though the OCD wants to attack and eat away at the best thing in my whole life - my boyfriend. I know I love him, I want to be with him forever and hopefully marry him, but this OCD is eating away at time. I am becoming more and more anxious by the minute with all these intrusive thoughts. I am using some of the techniques my psychologist taught me like acknowledging the thought and saying it’s just my OCD, but it just doesn’t seem to be going away. Please help me - I am struggling so much. Thank you so much
  12. Thank you Taurean. You are right, They are just thoughts and I shouldn’t allow them to take a hold of me. I become emotional invested in them and my OCD monster makes them seem real. It tells me I don’t have OCD and the thoughts must be true. You are right I need to force myself constantly whenever an intrusive thought comes into my head, to focus on something else (preferably physical/tangible/mentally challenging) in order to prevent my monster from latching onto those thoughts and triggering me. That’s really good advice, thank you. Someone once suggested to me get something like an elastic band/hair tie around your wrist, and every time you have an intrusive thought, to ping it - not really hard just so you focus on the action and I suppose associate a negative with thinking and connecting with the thought. What do you think about that? It might be a silly idea. Thank you again for your support and advice. It has helped me today so much. I am feeling more positive, even if only a little. Phoebe
  13. Hello Steve, Thank you so much for taking so much time to respond to my cry for help. It has really made me feel more positive today. As you say, recognising the instrusive thoughts as just that - thoughts - is one key to conquering them. But I have read on a number of posts that people believe by trying to quash them as “just thoughts” might not be the best long term strategy, and might allow the thoughts, be it for other themes, to creep back in. I don’t know whether you agree with me? My two main techniques thus far in my recovery have been to define the thoughts as just my OCD monster and also the reality check technique (using something in the here and now to bring myself back to the present - eg. an object in my vision - and to analyse it). But since the new theme has arisen, my monster is ruling the roost. My monster makes me believe I don’t have OCD and that all the horrible thoughts I have are real and MUST be true. I dont know if yours is the same but my ability to realise and understand it’s my OCD seems to come and go? I haven’t got a handle on how to maintain that. I think that would be the ideal as it would prevent me losing all hope and relapsing back to where I was before whenever I am triggered. Its so hard to stop yourself giving energy and power to the thoughts when the monster is so ardently fighting their case. You are right when life is going swimmingly you sort of forget you have the monster and then something triggers it and it rears it’s ugly head. As it’s so hard to explain to people (including my boyfriend) what it actually is and how it affects me - I find it so hard to speak about it. I just go silent and he knows there is something wrong and that it’s my monster but he doesn’t know what to do. Do you think there is any advice I can give him for when I am really struggling? Thank you so much again - it means a lot that you replied to my rather rambled post and you have helped me. Phoebe
  14. Hello, I haven’t been on the forum in some time which for me is a really positive thing as at the start of my recovery I held onto all your support like a lifeline (turned into a slight compulsion). I felt in order for me to really succeed in my recovery, it was good to know I had this support network but to really try on my own as ultimately only I could do it. Now I have been in recovery for quite a long time and it has been hard but I have learnt to credit myself with small wins. However, for some reason or other (couple of big changes happening in my life) I have started back in a downward spiral of relapse. I finished intensive treatment with my psychologist more than 12 months ago and am no longer on fluoxetine (I didn’t like taking drugs and wanted to fight it myself), but recently the techniques I have been taught to manage my OCD (telling myself it just OCD, they are just thoughts, everyone gets them, visualising “binning” the thoughts) don’t seem to be working anymore. As I am sure is the same for others, the themes of my intrusive thoughts have changed over time - I have had friendship OCD, relationship OCD, sexuality OCD. Now a new theme has emerged. It’s like when it’s an old theme I can cope, when it’s a new theme - disaster. This theme is sexuality theme but to do with my boyfriend. We have been together nearly three years and we love each other more than anything, but for some reason the OCD monster inside my is telling me he might be homosexual (note I had this theme but for myself a year or so ago - needless to say it is no longer a theme). It was all triggered by a night out with our friends and we were all dancing together (boys and girls) and for some reason a thought came into my head and then it sparked that vicious cycle and now it won’t stop!!!! It is killing me and I’m worried it will kill our relationship. I realised this was my OCD straightaway (I know he isn’t homosexual) but for some reason that little blasted OCD monster is telling me a million times a day that this is all wrong and you should end the relationship as clearly it’s not right. Every single little thing he does or doesn’t do, my monster clocks it and starts telling me horrible thoughts. Sorry for the rambling essay - I guess what I am trying to say is HELLLPPPPPPP. I have lost the ability to manage my monster anymore, I need some help. I don’t know what to do! I am having to force myself to not make any rash decisions. I don’t know what I would do without this forum, knowing there are others out there suffering with the same monsters - it means the world to me. Thank you so much ?
  15. Thank you all so much for your responses above, I feel so supported by everyone on this forum. I understand I have to stick it out with fluoxetine, particularly as I haven't even reached the correct dosage yet, and it will take time to settle. Anonymous like you I have really been struggling with the thinking thoughts are reality, but this morning I really felt I had made some improvement in forcing myself to realise it isn't real, it's OCD and then moving on with what I am doing. All thanks to you guys ? I feel confident I can fight this condition and that it's okay to have it, not weird or abnormal. I know I can do it, just got to take the good days with the bad and focus on my CBT. No doubt I will need more support when I have a bad day, but I find so much comfort in knowing that all of you understand and have been through a similar thing and you all have such good advice on how to cope. Today is a new day and I am determined to take each day as it comes and really work hard on fighting this horrible disease and hopefully the medication will start to work sooner rather than later. Thank you so much again all of you!!
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