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Everything posted by Chelsie

  1. To answer your question, Phil. I have had 2 lots of cbt - one about 4 years ago and another earlier this year. The first was very useful - the therapist came at it from a very rational, scientific viewpoint, which suited me. The more recent therapist suited me less well - lots of filing in forms and rating scales (I'm sure this works well for some people, it's just that I didn't really 'gel' with the therapist). Unfortunately, I live in an area where nhs cbt isn't really put forward as an option so I've had to finance this myself and at the moment I'm not in a position to do this. Gp did mention online as an option st one point - I don't know if anyone has had any positive/negative experiences of this?
  2. Thanks for the reply, Phil - grateful for someone to listen. On the day this happened, while out with friends, I was feeling more rational about this and persuaded myself that, as I hadn't seen any blood, there was no risk. It's when I'm on my own that I start replaying events and seeing risk everywhere. This morning, I had a brief time where I convinced myself it would actually be preferable to be coping with a blood borne disease than the OCD itself. What I find particularly hard is that, if there were contamination, I might not get ill for a long time, so there's no definite relief.
  3. Any insights people? Really struggling today and would be grateful for some advice.
  4. So, I've been trying to deny that there's anything causing my thoughts over the past couple of days, but it's not working. The incident just keeps replaying in my head. I met some friends in London to see a show one evening this week. They had gone up earlier in the day. As I was walking towards our meeting point, I passed a beggar curled up on the floor in the middle of the pavement. She had laid out what looked like a variety of prescription drugs in front of her, including an auto-injector (it looked like an epipen to give adrenaline in the case of anaphylaxis, but don't know if similar ones are given for diabetes?). Several people had stopped, so I walked around and carried on my way. I think,but I'm not certain, that the lid was still on the auto-Injector. As I walked away, I started to panic - I'm pretty sure I didn't touch the injector, but this was at a busy time of day and then don't know if other people touched it with their feet. I then followed them, making me worry that the blood could have been passed from their shoes, to the pavement, to my shoes. I was worrying so much that I stopped and bought a new pair of cheap shoes, changed route and changed shoes,leaving the contaminated ones behind. Started feeling a bit more in control and carried on to meet my friends. We then walked together to the theatre. Unfortunately, this involved crossing my original route, meaning that I feel that the second pair of shoes could have become contaminated. There was no time to buy more shoes and I was also doing my best not to over-react, so I just went with it (the friends do not know about my OCD). I had to drive home from the station in the shoes, meaning I spread the contamination to my car. When I got home, I took them off and left them in the porch - hoping that I would be able to deal with them later. Breathed a sigh of relief and went to bed. Last night, I was locking the front door and the cat came to ask to be let out. He walked all over the shoes several times. I now have a contaminated cat, who slept on my bed all last night! Feel I've got myself in such a mess.
  5. Yes, at the moment me too. Holding out for an end to this episode when there will be little breaks in the cloud, though x
  6. You're probably right - was hoping I could manage this episode on my own but not getting much better. I've had 2 lots of cbt in the past - one really great, the other less so (not the fault of the therapist - just we didn't quite 'gel'). Part of the problem, I have to accept is my own fault. Paroxetine helps a lot, but I hate it because I end up feeling nothing (although, at the moment, that would be preferable!). Therefore, as I start to feel better, I tend to reduce my dosage. This works fine until I start to feel anxious again and then, when I increase the dosage, it takes a while to start working. Added to this, my dr gets funny about repeat prescriptions because the gaps between them are irregular and so calls me in for a review of medication appt. s As my main problem is anxiety around contamination, going to the dr is my worst nightmare and so I put this off....run out of medication ..... It's a bad cycle but I have let myself fall into it several times. Am going to do my best to avoid it again!
  7. Thanks for the support - have been on propananol in the past - maybe time to ask for it again. Now it's the evening it seems to have gone off s bit, but know I will wake up to it again.
  8. In the middle of an OCD flare up at the moment but feels really different this time. Even when I'm not having any thoughts, I have constant physical symptoms of anxiety - heart pounding, feet sweating, fingers numb, restless etc. I often get these feelings on waking in the morning but it's pretty much constant this week and really horrible. It means I find it hard to eat as well.
  9. You're absolutely right, of course. Not a great day today - woke feeling really anxious but got myself sorted and had a good morning out with friends. This afternoon I forced myself not to start cleaning by reading a book. Then knew I had to put some washing on and the cleaning frenzy started. Stopped myself now but not feeling proud of myself.
  10. Has anyone else noticed that their OCD gets worse in cycles? Mine has suddenly really reared its head over the past week and it occurred to me that this always seems to happen every July/August and then Dec/Jan. Normally, there's some sort of 'crisis' event that starts an episode - my OCD is to do with contamination, so it's usually some event related to coming into contact with some one else's blood. This time it's different - no big event but just an overwhelming sense of panic and 'hyperareness' of risk. Things that I had managed to ignore in my house becoming no go areas. Can't think of a particular trigger at all.
  11. Back in a cycle of waking each morning feeling terrible - heart racing, feet restless etc. Any suggestions - tried reading but can't concentrate. Really want to get back to sleep!
  12. Really helpful advice - thanks x
  13. Harry Potter working a bit - heart racing a bit! This morning felt like a success - hand gel was in my pocket but held out and didn't use it until after the 18th hole. Also touched my phone during the game but have resisted the urge to get the antibacterial wipes on it! Got home and almost feels like my OCD is desperate to find something to latch onto. Had a can of coke in the fridge - decided to drink it,opened and started to drink. Then got this thought that it came from the slightly grotty off licence near me - worried mice might have crawled over it. Then the panic/washing cycle starts.
  14. Thanks sb21 - glad it isn't just me with the crazy golf! I actually managed to touch the call etc and only used some hand gel surreptitiously at the very end. Went back to have lunch with family and had a lovely afternoon. Got home and it was almost as if holding it in all day meant it had to come out. Ended up washing hands many times and finding everything felt contaminated. Have now forced myself to sit down and relax - Harry Potter on in 10 mins and hoping this will be a distraction. Feel like going and hiding in bed but determined not to give in to this.
  15. I posted a topic this morning that no one responded to - just reread it and realised it sounded a bit flippant. Certainly wasn't meant that way - I was feeling really stressed and was trying to use a bit of humour to diffuse this, but wasn't the best way to express myself. I'm so disappointed in myself for letting things slip back to my present position. I had a bad patch Dec/Jan but things got much better. The OCD never goes away, but I'd got to the point where it wasn't controlling my life and I could enjoy life. The past few days I can feel myself slipping back rapidly. Thnking about this, it seems that my OCD follows a pattern. Dec/Jan and July/Aug always seem the worst times. Must put some thought into why this is so.
  16. Haven't posted on here for a few months - was feeling so much better! OCD never goes away but I felt I was generally not coping too badly. Reduced my seroxat dose down too, so feeling more like a human being. However, over the past week or so, this has all come crashing down around my ears and am feeling terrible again. Waking in the morning feeling full of anxiety, seeing danger and risk everywhere, washing hands constantly etc. My main problem is contamination OCD - particularly blood. This morning I agreed to go and play crazy golf with my family. Seemed a good idea at the time but been awake all night panicking. The ball will be on the floor, where myself and so many others will have walked with dirty shoes. I will then have to pick up the ball with my hands and it will be dirty too. Not sure I can do this. Wish i'd never agreed to go - my family have picked up that I'm going through a bad patch and, although wanting to help, will help by being very vigilant and zero tolerance with me!
  17. Thanks, guys. Didn't give in and clean my phone etc!
  18. I'm feeling guilty - been doing much better the past couple of weeks and been lurking on here on and off but not posting. Had s bit of a relapse this evening and now I'm back looking for your support! Contamination is my issue, particularly blood. The 'danger' of feeling a bit better is that I get less vigilant about avoiding areas that I feel are contaminated but I'm not improved enough that, once I realise what I've done, I can cope with it very well. Over the past 2 weeks, I've been avoiding going into my work building by one external door because I saw someone go in through that door for first aid after cutting them self and getting blood on their hands; I'm worried that this blood might have transferred to the door handle. This afternoon, I grabbed this door handle without thinking for a second. As I did it, I instantly realised what I did and went and used loads of antibacterial hand gel. I then decided to go home and picked up my purse, keys, diary and phone. This felt wrong, so I put them down and went to wash my hands with soap and water. I'm home now - taken a propanolol and sitting in front of tv and waiting for the anxiety to lessen. I've resisted the great temptation to wipe my phone, purse etc with antibacterial wipes so far. In fact, I'm using my phone to type this. Rationally, wiping these wouldn't help as I've driven my car, opened my front doir etc since getting home so many other things are contaminated too. Just feels terrible - although not perfect, I've managed to avoid a 'crisis' like this for two weeks and fooled myself into thinking the worst was over.
  19. It started once when I was given a letter in an envelope and there was blood on it. About 6 years ago I think. OCD started about 20 yrs ago, though - started with checking and worries I'd run someone over in the car.
  20. Thanks for the quick reply. Bad timing this panic this morning as I'm in a hurry to go to work. I had to touch another strip from the same box as can't not take my meds. Then washed hands. Then realised had touched soap and tap with hands I touched meds with. Contamination everywhee. Feeling terrible.
  21. Anxiety over this incident running riot this morning. I'm so fed up with all this. Feels like 1 step forward, 2 back. Don't know that I'll ever be able to conquer it.
  22. I'm trying not to think about it. Just could have done without it this evening.
  23. Sonetimes it feels like life has it in for me Worked really hard to overcome this afternoon's anxiety and pretty much avoided all compulsions. Went for dinner at my mum's and forced myself to sit in the seat I've been avoiding recently because I saw my nephew climb all over it with his shoes on and it's where my mum always puts her handbag, which I accidentally stepped on the strap of last weekend. Didn't give in - fought it al the way. Real success. Got home and went to take my propanolol before bed. Looked down at the strip after putting tablet in my mouth and there is a blob of blood on the foil. I'm guessing that it has come from the hang nail on my thumb (although I squeezed it and no more blood came out) and that if it had been there previously and was from the pharmacist or someone from the drug company's packaging staff then I would have noticed it sooner (I've been using this strip since Thursday and I'm normally pretty alert to anything that looks like blood). It's just not fair - I've worked so hard this evening. Why this now? Surely I'm due a break?
  24. Sorry you're having a bad day, kittypurry. I've had a quiet weekend and feel that, despite my panic earlier, I've coped quite well. However, I'm already starting to have the Sunday evening feeling, knowing that tomorrow it's getting up and out for work early again.
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