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don't know

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  1. I basically went to see someone and I thought what I could be dealing with was OCD. They said it couldn't be because it didn't sound like OCD and also they used the example of a client of theirs having to stop the sessions in order to wash their hands multiple times. I was never told that I had anything but my anxiety and depressions levels were normal for a girl my age at the time. They didn't diagnose me with anything. I was then referred back a couple of years later. I was told that I was dealing with OCD, did some cbt and then later was put on medication. I read the books, forums etc. None of it helped and it wasn't because I didn't try, it just didn't. Cbt really made me think that it was all real, stuff like theory A/B which still sends me through the roof. I was then referred again and when I was doing the interview thing I wasn't told that I had ocd. I also I didn't feel like I had ocd. I've never gone back to therapy since and I've been off medication for a couple of years. In these sessions I wasn't told that I had anything else. I tried to find help through my university and I couldn't get any. Don't want to talk to my gp about it because I'll end up getting referred and then being told its all true. But theres nothing really against it now. It's clear that its just repressed feelings. It's scary but theres no point in trying anymore. I also don't believe it is ocd because it seems so different and real.
  2. Again, I apologise for causing anyone to be upset. Its really not my intention. I am in no way saying that people are using OCD as an excuse. I also read everyone's posts on the forum. There's times where I just want to comment and say its OCD when they genuinely think that their worries are real. I don't because realistically I can't give helpful advice and also they clearly follow a pattern from the things I've read/been told about OCD. It seems obvious but its awful to see the pain they are in. Also saying that its OCD gives them reassurance, and I know you're not supposed to give it. I've tried just agreeing with it all or ignoring it and either way its made me miserable. So what's the point? I've said it all before so I'll leave it at that. Again, I'm extremely sorry for being out of line.
  3. I'm really sorry, I'm not trying to say that it doesn't manipulate other people's feelings. I'm saying it doesn't feel like that for me. Like today, I got up and I felt as though I was actually into these things, wasn't anxious or panicking and felt like I missed it. That to me feels like something else. That's just me though. I know I make these blanket statements but thats how I feel. Paradoxer, I'm sorry I don't understand what you're trying to say. It really feels like I am addicted to the forum though. I feel like the odd one out and that's completely my fault, I accept that, I haven't been kind when you guys have only wanted to help. I am sorry for the way I've been. I feel awful about it. The thing is I'm not sure what to do next because everything happened. Everything that I was afraid of. Having these attractions, feelings, basically everything that I've written down on the bullet points. Thats all stuff thats happened and I don't even know if I care anymore, but I know its some weird repressed thing that happens when you hide yourself for so long.
  4. I have to apologise for the way I was on the last post. It was really disrespectful to you all. Anyway, I decided to stop posting on the forum because I am convinced my problem is not ocd. I'm writing out why all my thoughts/feelings etc are true and I am clearly the odd one out. I know, why post here then? Because I feel I have no other choice, also I am clearly addicted to this forum. I could only stay off it for a week. I know people aren't going to be happy about me posting here. I feel really alone and miserable. It's just been an awful time for me. I feel bad about complaining because its not even a big deal, people have it worse. I've been telling myself that all of this is true. I'll say out loud that I'm in denial (when I'm alone) and detail all the reasons why and there is a huge list that just gets even more convincing. I'm not really sure what to do anymore because I just feel like there's no use. I'm still suicidal at this point because it all came true (why am I saying that? It was always true and I didn't know it). The thing is all these things are happening and I can only think that is because this is genuinely me: I get feelings that I am attracted to my family I feel like I've felt that my entire life and never knew about it. Feel aroused by this type of stuff (just happens) I go onto these sites and everything resonates with me. I'm going through my denial stage (like the five stages of grief - I felt anger tonight) Whenever a family member touches me I feel aroused. I also feel like this electricity and it stays on my skin like hours after its happened. Not even thinking about it beforehand, so I'm not anticipating a response, which would suggest natural attraction. Feel really uncomfortable around my family. Feel like I only care about people finding out and not that I am actually this person Feel so uncomfortable when anyone talks about me starting a family one day to the point where I don't want it anymore. I feel like a liar/fraud Feel like I don't care. Actually feel anxious when I think about me recovering and going back to 'normal' (like it wouldn't be my true nature - thats a red flag for me) I'm using this forum as an excuse. Still young so I'm still discovering myself. Other things that happened last week: In class and the subject of sexual repression came up in one of my readings. I said in my head 'yeah thats me' not like it popped up. I thought that. Crowded bus and when I was getting off at my stop I felt like I was aroused because I had to squeeze my way past people. I cannot believe that OCD manipulates people in that way cause I can probably detail my behaviour all the way back. There's so much evidence. I know people have said in my previous posts there's not but there is. I'm really concerned that I tricked myself into believing it could possibly be OCD. You know you google and think you've found out that its a problem that can be fixed (that's simplifying it, I apologise) and then you realise its who you truly are. Logically, you would want to believe that it is OCD rather than this. But, the only way someone can get better is to accept it and I'm trying its just making me depressed. I'm still going onto these forums and I will say to myself that it is me. It sucks. No one cares anyway. I've annoyed you guys enough. But, I'm just really in a bad place. Well, I think I am. Like, I'm not happy. To be honest I've haven't been 'happy' for a long time. The point is that selfishly I need to get my feelings out.
  5. You guys are completely right. I'm really sorry for posting on the forum, at this point its just ridiculous and I've just exhausted it; its really not fair to you. I'm really sorry for upsetting you/annoying you all.
  6. I've taken a couple of days out. I'm dealing with everything being true and I no longer panic about things. As soon as all this comes into my head or I experience these feelings or lack of feelings - I just say 'You're right.' I don't cry about it anymore. I was just making up everything that I wanted for myself, to the point where I feel uncomfortable with the thought, like extreme sickness because I'm a liar. This is one of the reasons why it can't be OCD because of reactions like that. For example, the handshake last week - if I truly wasn't this person I wouldn't have felt anything but the fact that I felt something and it happens every time I would say is evidence that everything is true. These past five years have just been one huge mess and when people say that it can get better I never believe them. It feels like theres no reason to because whenever I try and change it just makes it worse and proves everything to be true. Like whats the point of doing exposures if I'm just highlighting thats its all true? I've just been going onto these other sites and I continue to read these things and it no longer provokes anxiety/sadness - its just how I've been feeling. It feels like thats where I actually belong. I wish it hadn't come to this but embracing that this is all OCD when there's too much to lump me into the feared conclusion would be pointless. But again this whole thing is pointless - just like these posts.
  7. I spent all day on these forums and websites to see how I can come to accept myself because the evidence is all there. A lot of these people didn't realise and are now coming to accept themselves. I was reading it and saying out loud (I was alone) "yeah that's me" "that explains my behaviour" etc, I was feeling relief which isn't the typical OCD thing because usually you'll go I feel so different therefore I'm not that. I would write a list of 60+ things here to prove it was right. I then thought to myself about it and then nearly threw up, that's whats happened in the past with other stuff. I come to accept it, becomes too much to handle and then just go back to being like this.I feel as though I don't connect with myself. I know that doesn't make any sense. It's kind of like I envisioned my life going in another direction but I'm just dealing with this and trying to get on with it; like I keep saying no one would choose a life like that if they had the choice. I feel like a fool but I also feel fine and like a huge weight as been lifted off of my shoulders - like in two years time it'll be over if I just keep working at it (the acceptance I mean). I also feel like my posts scare people and I really do apologise for that. I don't believe anyone on this forum has any reason to worry at all about their thoughts, because I believe it is OCD just being awful to you, which sucks. But what I'm doing here is being in denial about it - I'm pushing this away so much by running back here all the time. I also ended up reading an OCD post on another forum where it came true for them (sexual themed). I don't want to live my life knowing that its true. It's so stupid because I'm forever just going to be in denial of my behaviour, feelings etc. I wish I could just disappear forever. I looked at therapy in order to help accept myself and its so expensive because the NHS has had no idea what to do with me in the past and I really just am stuck at a crossroads. I feel like I need some type of specialist treatment in which I come to accept that person I am, not the person I want to be.
  8. I do need to go to therapy to work on accepting myself - I should've done that ages ago.
  9. Polarbear - i understand what you are trying to say. I wouldn't go to my doctor and tell them everything that wasn't wrong with me but here's the thing - if it looks like something and acts like something - its probably because it is. That's my issue, I'm getting feelings, arousal, images, urges and not dying from anxiety, seemingly enjoying them and dealing with this realisation. Like I've said I've been posting on this forum for a couple of years so my first instinct would be to write about it to get it off my chest. I'm not happy about it but that's life. Dksea - the issue that people who don't have OCD but are actually into these things sound like me, feel the same things as me - what makes me so different? The fact that I post here? The point is this isn't going to go away because this is who I truly am. There's no point in dancing around the truth. I've been feeling this way for years, noticed it, freaked out and now here I am. People who are into this kind of stuff aren't happy about it - they feel shame, go through denial, repression etc. Why is it any different for me? I think its more complicated than that. The thing is I feel as though I'm starting to move on with my life. I no longer cry or feel sad about the life I wanted (or thought I wanted) I've just come to terms with it. I don't even want it anymore. I know this community only wants to help and I really do appreciate you guys.
  10. Again, what am I supposed to do?
  11. I feel calmer - it's just easier to get on with things.
  12. It's made me feel a lot better. What am I supposed to do? For me it turned out to be right.
  13. I'm trying to stop using this forum. I was visiting my family today and I shook somebodies hand and I got aroused by it. It confirmed that it was all true (sorry). There's no point in lying to myself like I've been doing for so many years. All of my fears were torment because I didn't know what was going on, why was I now feeling this way etc. But the thing is I always have and I didn't know it; I didn't realise it until I started making excuses for myself and hiding behind this. People think I'm clearly insane and I don't blame them. All this time - before any of this started, I was probably ashamed of myself and repressed it and acted surprised when it would happen. It's time that I give it up. At this thing people were asking me what I planned to do in the future, if I was seeing anyone, jobs and all that. Its normal conversation for others but to me I got sick at the thought of my future; I can't even hide it because I know that I don't want any of that but I'm just accepting it. I gave up on that hope of a normal life because I'm facing that I forced myself to be normal and all my life I've had these attractions - I can pinpoint multiple times where this has happened. The evidence is ridiculous and nothing can give you/or take away feelings. I don't even feel ill saying that. I feel free.
  14. I know its even worse because I still get the urge to post on here (like I'm doing just now) or read other people's posts. I'm just addicted to this site. I saw as my last hope for so long. I need to stop.
  15. Hi, I'm sorry for not replying. Its the same old. I've tried therapy a few times and it's not worked. I don't want to go and tell someone all of this. I feel like I'm better just dealing with it, accepting it and then moving on.
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