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don't know

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  1. Hi, sorry I hadn't replied. Yeah, still posting the same old stuff because nothing has changed. Just accepted it because nothing can convince me that this isn't true. You've heard it all before. But what am I supposed to do? Cry about it, deny it? There's no use in that. There's a reason why I'm having these thoughts, arousals etc. There's a reason why every time I admit that all these things are true I feel calmer. The point is just because I feared it so much didn't make it untrue, even if this was OCD (which I highly doubt). It doesn't mean its not true. The likely outcome was that it was all true and that I was in such deep denial about it all, it sucks but its true . If I'm honest, I'm not surprised.
  2. Hi Sputnik, hope everything is okay with you. I appreciate that you added that quote in, that was really kind of you. I've just given up, life is **** and there's nothing good about it, especially when my worst fear has been confirmed. I've had so many setbacks and with all of this, it's too much. I don't care to deal with it anymore. I feel as though I've just always denied this part of myself. It really has chipped away at me until I say 'fine, that's who I am.' I then feel calm and then no thoughts or anxiety (if I feel anxious - which I doubt I do). I still get these intense arousals because that's who I am. Am I devastated by this? Yes, or maybe I'm not and I'm just pretending so I can be further in denial. I don't see the point in trying anymore. I'm wrong about everything and it gets frustrating after a while.The majority of people don't get this, they can live ordinary lives and know that they aren't a deviant - no doubts whatsoever. I guess my question is how do I cope when my worst fear has been confirmed? Has anyone's OCD (or fear) came true (and how have you dealt with it)? Again I'm sorry for posting, I know people hate it when I post and wish I would go away and I don't blame you.
  3. Hi, I'm sorry to hear that part of my post upset you, it truly wasn't my intention. I hope you're feeling better now and that you're doing okay. I'm also sorry to hear what you're going through. Yesterday was strange because I kind of woke up in a better mood. It felt like I knew myself again. There would be parts of the day where it would come up again and then I would just become depressed. I came across a post on another OCD forum (not this one) in which somebodies OCD fear came true and it made me feel sick to my stomach. It's not anything I worry about but I just felt so horrible that it happened to the person who had posted. It broke my heart. I also came across another 'trigger' (feel stupid for writing that) and I still feel sick from seeing it. It involved somebody who had lived a lie to the point they didn't recognise it and I just lost it. It's like there's only one direction for me. I keep thinking 'maybe it's not so bad' but the fact that I think this means I've been this person all along, that all of these things were signs or my gut telling me that this is my truth. I tick every box for this fear of being a deviant, I have these thoughts and arousals etc. There's no point. I don't want to go on, I know I've been saying that for a long time. It's so obvious that it would happen to me. It's like everything inside me is screaming 'TOLD YOU SO!' over and over again. What the hell did I know about myself? Nothing. Treatment wouldn't have done anything for me, it would've emphasised that my fear had a lot of evidence behind it and I would have to deal with it. There was never any hope. No one ever tells you how to cope when your fears become a reality (I've tried to find it). It's so devastating, but at least I haven't cried about it. I have this light feeling in my body and my head feels clearer which signals to me that it's true. I'm so sorry for constantly pestering this forum (I know people just want me to leave.) I don't blame you, I would think the same.
  4. Hi, sorry I hadn't replied, to be honest I'm scared to post on the forum. But, it's been another awful couple of months. That's a really awful thing for me to say because there's lots of people suffering right now with the COVID situation, or just general anxiety about the lockdown. I hope you guys are all keeping safe and my heart goes out to you. (Replies to the post): I don't know because I feel as though if there's a chance, it's me. I'm so similar to a person who would be in denial about being into this type of stuff, it's ridiculous. I understand what you're trying to say but if I use the technique about looking at how likely my fear is to come true, it's 98% true. I have this mental list and after all this time, it's still happening. These reactions just happen. It's not like I pay too much attention that they end up happening, it just does. Its the combination of all these arousals, hardly any thoughts, no anxiety, just general hopelessness that points me in that direction. It doesn't even scare me. I just have this 'of course' attitude. The 2% comes from wishful thinking that this could be OCD, but I see this as being highly unlikely. I've spent months trying to see how I deal with all of this being my reality. I look up 'how to cope when your fear comes true.' They always say something along the lines of it's never as bad as you think or acceptance, or you can deal with it. Well, I've accepted it and it's truly as bad as I imagined it to be, of course it is. Also, how can I deal with being a deviant? Also my life was **** before all of this happened. Everything constantly failed for me. I've just been so depressed. I have nothing to look forward to or work towards whatsoever. It's so selfish of me to come on here and complain especially with so many people suffering right now. I'm just an awful person. There's no point. No one around me has ever gone after their goals. No one (around me) likes their job or their life really, why should I? To me, people who achieve that stuff or any type of happiness are extremely lucky. I just don't see anything being worth it. But they do, they show me that's the person I am. It feels like I've exhausted all my options and there's no hope. I don't see how my situation can get any worse. It has been like this for a very long time. I have no energy anymore and I haven't in a long time
  5. The only thing is I hate all of this stuff, but it doesn't mean that it isn't true and I've spent most of last week going through people who's fears came true. It's really complicated still, again I came across something else and I just had a panic attack. I just feel so sick. I don't see how this can get better at all. Thanks for your comment, it sucks but I shouldn't complain.
  6. I'm sorry for posting again but it's the same old from me to the joys of people on this forum. I had a medical exam last week and whilst it was happening I felt constantly aroused and it wasn't like "I hope this doesn't happen" it just happened. I walked out and just felt defeated (I question whether I actually felt like that). I had a class a couple of hours after and I was just in this haze, wasn't taking anything in because I kept on thinking about how its all true. It's another thing to add onto this growing list of reasons why i am a deviant. After the exam I was referred to for more tests and turns out I could have a chronic condition,I was shocked when I found this out and I immediately went and reviewed my entire life but there was this feeling inside that this wasn't right. I looked up the symptoms and didn't feel like I had any apart from two. I then stopped myself because I was like I'm in denial right now, I'm not accepting something thats going to be with me for the rest of my life. I then panicked because I thought I'm constantly in denial about everything and I don't know how to cope. I actually don't know who I am - well I do I just dont like it. I then read something that made me have a panic attack in relation to my primary fears (incest) and I completely lost it.
  7. Cora - thank you for your reply, that was really nice of you to say. I appreciate it. Dksea, I've never thought that your methods were harsh in any way. You and others have always been really kind in replying/posting long detailed posts and I'm grateful for that. It's like what's the point? It's not like I'm figuring it out anymore, its just something I have to deal with (again how many times have I said that) Malina - again, I've never thought you were harsh in any way. You, like Dksea were always kind enough to post. Closed, I completely understand I don't fit in here and I wouldn't know what to say someone like me either. Its stupid that I'm still on this site. It was just a really low point and it was my last option - even though that sounds really pathetic (it is). So again I'm sorry to have posted again.
  8. Hi, I'm sorry to be posting again, I know people won't be happy to see me back here. I've tried to not post on here and many times I have nearly posted. It's been a really bad month. Also, I'm sorry if this turns into one big rant and makes no sense. I know nobody cares. It's the same old from me. I posted on Christmas Day about how I felt as though my fears had come true. It's been like that ever since and before then. January has just been, I don't know what exactly. I guess I would describe it as the time I really gave up. I woke up in the morning after having dreams that confirmed my fears and then living everyday life knowing that I'm really this person. I repeatedly tell myself that all of this is true and I feel no anxiety from it whatsoever, I go on these sites and see myself in those other stories and its like I never really knew myself. It's as though I had just repressed this side of myself and didn't know until many years later. I don't care about anything anymore. I get all these feelings/arousals like I want these things and like it's actually me; like its my nature. I don't even feel scared typing that out. I feel as though the reason I ever panicked about those things in the first place was because of what other people might think - not whether I wanted them or not. If I could I would erase them but I can't. It also feels like if I'm in a room with other people I think to myself 'you were the one who was supposed to be a deviant/of course it had to be you.' I don't recognise the girl I once was. It feels like everything I thought was true about myself was me deluding myself not fully knowing that I was doing that. I actually tell myself that all of this makes sense and I see no one else say things like this when it comes to OCD. I feel like deep down this is who I am and I don't care anymore. I gave up on my lifelong goals (or what I was working towards/I don't even like saying that it seems stupid), I wasn't good enough so I gave it up. I don't know why I posted that but I've just given up on everything because I don't know who I am anymore. I honestly don't want to get to know myself as this other person. But that's how it is. It's like I have nothing much else to say (nothing that makes sense anyway) but I feel like I just needed to talk. Again, I'm sorry for posting and being confusing with this post.
  9. Hi, I hope you all had a nice holiday. I'm sorry to be posting but since I've posted I've still been getting all these feelings and dreams and it still seems real to me. I'm having an issue (what's new?) I'm scared to be honest and it's probably because I'm admitting the truth about myself. It's like I was on Facebook and I was added to a family group chat and they were posting merry Christmas and someone who hardly posts at all commented on it and it was like I got butterflies in my stomach and feelings of attraction. It was literally like I was in love with them. I'm terrified but it's because I admitted the truth to myself. In fact I told myself over and over again that it was true. You know some people don't want to admit the truth to themselves. Still don't see how this would be ocd (why am I still on here?) I was just in denial and I still am. I wish these feelings/attractions weren't true (autocorrected to were - feels like it means something) but they are. I was having a nice time before all of this happened but thats because I wasn't facing the truth and it hit me in the face and there's no where to run. It sucks and it sounds like I'm insane. To be honest all of these things are real and I tell myself over and over again that it is all real. It's not like I'm avoiding this stuff or doing any compulsions - why I don't believe it is ocd. I feel scared but how do I get over it? I know I just have to get over it and move on from all of this. Also I got really anxious because I went onto another ocd forum and somebodies obsession became true. And they suffered with it for years. Oh my god I am so scared. How is this not me? I'm terrified. It's like another thing being added to this massive list of reasons why this is all true. It's literal evidence. Again, I'm sorry for posting.
  10. To be honest, I would've given up on me too. There's no point in listening to me at all. I think that things like these are quite complicated, and its not easy to just move on. I feel like if I'm feeling these feelings it probably is because its true though. I don't see how I can see this information in any other way. Like the past couple of days has been awful because time and time again it keeps showing up. Tonight has just been awful too, I was on youtube and an interview about someone with a particular disorder came up in my recommendations (I don't know why), so I watched it because why else would it come up? I watched it and they said some things that I felt related to me so I ended up looking up more about it and I actually think that I have this thing (I'm not going to say what because I don't want to upset/offend anyone) I've taken online tests (I know they aren't accurate/or can diagnose you, but they said I didn't have it) I keep reading and it seems like its true. But I said to myself that it's probably true. It'll sometimes come up and I'll think about and then it goes but it comes back. In one of the forums they talk about a lightbulb moment and I've felt that so many times with things, so it must mean thats true.
  11. I don't know I feel like people can say I know I'm not like this because of this and that. There's too much to suggest this is true for me. I just feel like they probably misdiagnosed me, looking back I don't think I belonged in that type of treatment (CBT) I get what you mean. It doesn't matter if I stay on this forum or not because I feel like I'm just, I don't even know what. I'll tell myself it's true all the time, I feel like I'm not scared or sad about it anymore. It doesn't show up as intrusive thoughts or anything like that; it's real feelings which sucks but there's nothing I can do about it and it keeps showing itself to be true. So where's the hope? Because there is none, I feel like if I go and get help it'll be true. I look and feel different to other ocd sufferers just these posts alone confirm it. Like I'll get over it but it'll still be there the rest of my life. This thread should probably be locked.
  12. Hi ocdishell, I understand what you mean completely. I'm a waste of space on this forum when there are people who deserve the help and genuinely suffer from OCD. You've pointed out that people have been kind enough to reply to me with long detailed and thoughtful responses. Also I apologise for making you and others angry through my posts. You're also not the first person to suggest I leave the forum and you're not wrong with your suggestion. I'm wrong for staying. Again I do apologise for making you so angry with my posts.
  13. It feels like proof. I'm just ****** off to be honest, just at life in general. I'm going through the anger stage of the acceptance or whatever its called. I feel like the exception and all of this stuff that I'm describing happened as a kid so I shouldn't be surprised, so I technically did know all my life. I must have really repressed it. I wouldn't want to get treatment because I didn't respond well the first time and the confusion over diagnosis. Also I've seen that therapy doesn't help some people and that they still get the thoughts and the anxiety and to be honest that isn't how I would want to live. It came true for me and if I wasn't a coward I would kill myself. Especially as you never become certain over whether these things are true or not, you know uncertainty. I'm also doing all these things that they tell you to do in exposures anyway. So what's the point? It doesn't matter about my future because I just don't know about anything. Well I do but I'm just sad about the outcome I guess. I also read something about the difference between reassurance seeking and just looking up information. The reassurance seeker looks for the desired answer whereas the person just looking for information looks for the truth. That's what I'm doing is trying to find the truth. In a perfect world I wouldn't have these things and everyone would say that about their problems but I don't live there and I have all these things to deal with. I feel like I have no where to go with all of this and again I shouldn't post on here. Even when I go a couple of days without posting I say to myself 'see I don't have OCD because if I did, I would've been anxious not posting for a day.' I'm just a lost cause.
  14. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages Dksea. You're completely right, I was exaggerating about that point. Of course I don't know how every single person feels. But, I have only related to people who actually did turn out to be these things. I don't see how I can trust all of this (feelings, arousals, dreams etc) to be OCD when thats what normal people experience but for me its to something that I don't want to deal with. Theres people that have attractions that they wish they didn't have and they never act on it. I can't see a difference between me and one of those people. I still go onto these other sites and I still relate to them more. Thats the question wouldn't you feel hopeless if you went onto an ocd forum and felt like you couldn't relate and then went somewhere else and you were like 'this is me.' I'm not happy about it but it seems like it. It seems like I'm only worried about the aftermath and how everything I felt I wanted in life is gone. I actually question why I wanted these things in the first place, it feels like I'm okay with it. Its probably because I was brainwashed by society to want a conventional life. That sounds stupid but whatever. With the comments on Freud, yeah I used to think it was all really strange what he says but if I relate to it. It doesn't matter.
  15. It's just been a terrible week. I'm just tired and always thinking whats the point in anything. I've ended up not doing well in classes. Not because I don't try because I'm not good at it and I'm always the dumbest person there. No one cares. I don't even care anymore, I haven't for a long time. It just feels as though everyone is doing great and I am just there. That's a stupid issue thats been on my mind. I've had issues surrounding the same stuff. Tuesday, I was getting aroused by these things, it felt like I enjoyed them and didn't care. Like this was what I wanted and it is who I truly am. I get this weird feeling when people say 'be who you are' because it feels like this is the real me. Friday was really difficult too. In class, the subject of Freud came up and I think a lot of people on here know about him. I kept thinking this probably the unconscious part of me and that everything I feared is coming true. In one aspect it has, I'm sure now that I'm probably attracted to one of my family members even though I was terrified and didn't want it to happen. But theres only so much I can take. As soon as I said it was true - it actually came true. Its turns out that was just repression. It feels like I want it. There's no point. I feel like theres some sort of disconnect between who I thought I was and who I actually am.
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