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don't know

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  1. Hi, I hope you all had a nice holiday. I'm sorry to be posting but since I've posted I've still been getting all these feelings and dreams and it still seems real to me. I'm having an issue (what's new?) I'm scared to be honest and it's probably because I'm admitting the truth about myself. It's like I was on Facebook and I was added to a family group chat and they were posting merry Christmas and someone who hardly posts at all commented on it and it was like I got butterflies in my stomach and feelings of attraction. It was literally like I was in love with them. I'm terrified but it's because I admitted the truth to myself. In fact I told myself over and over again that it was true. You know some people don't want to admit the truth to themselves. Still don't see how this would be ocd (why am I still on here?) I was just in denial and I still am. I wish these feelings/attractions weren't true (autocorrected to were - feels like it means something) but they are. I was having a nice time before all of this happened but thats because I wasn't facing the truth and it hit me in the face and there's no where to run. It sucks and it sounds like I'm insane. To be honest all of these things are real and I tell myself over and over again that it is all real. It's not like I'm avoiding this stuff or doing any compulsions - why I don't believe it is ocd. I feel scared but how do I get over it? I know I just have to get over it and move on from all of this. Also I got really anxious because I went onto another ocd forum and somebodies obsession became true. And they suffered with it for years. Oh my god I am so scared. How is this not me? I'm terrified. It's like another thing being added to this massive list of reasons why this is all true. It's literal evidence. Again, I'm sorry for posting.
  2. To be honest, I would've given up on me too. There's no point in listening to me at all. I think that things like these are quite complicated, and its not easy to just move on. I feel like if I'm feeling these feelings it probably is because its true though. I don't see how I can see this information in any other way. Like the past couple of days has been awful because time and time again it keeps showing up. Tonight has just been awful too, I was on youtube and an interview about someone with a particular disorder came up in my recommendations (I don't know why), so I watched it because why else would it come up? I watched it and they said some things that I felt related to me so I ended up looking up more about it and I actually think that I have this thing (I'm not going to say what because I don't want to upset/offend anyone) I've taken online tests (I know they aren't accurate/or can diagnose you, but they said I didn't have it) I keep reading and it seems like its true. But I said to myself that it's probably true. It'll sometimes come up and I'll think about and then it goes but it comes back. In one of the forums they talk about a lightbulb moment and I've felt that so many times with things, so it must mean thats true.
  3. I don't know I feel like people can say I know I'm not like this because of this and that. There's too much to suggest this is true for me. I just feel like they probably misdiagnosed me, looking back I don't think I belonged in that type of treatment (CBT) I get what you mean. It doesn't matter if I stay on this forum or not because I feel like I'm just, I don't even know what. I'll tell myself it's true all the time, I feel like I'm not scared or sad about it anymore. It doesn't show up as intrusive thoughts or anything like that; it's real feelings which sucks but there's nothing I can do about it and it keeps showing itself to be true. So where's the hope? Because there is none, I feel like if I go and get help it'll be true. I look and feel different to other ocd sufferers just these posts alone confirm it. Like I'll get over it but it'll still be there the rest of my life. This thread should probably be locked.
  4. Hi ocdishell, I understand what you mean completely. I'm a waste of space on this forum when there are people who deserve the help and genuinely suffer from OCD. You've pointed out that people have been kind enough to reply to me with long detailed and thoughtful responses. Also I apologise for making you and others angry through my posts. You're also not the first person to suggest I leave the forum and you're not wrong with your suggestion. I'm wrong for staying. Again I do apologise for making you so angry with my posts.
  5. It feels like proof. I'm just ****** off to be honest, just at life in general. I'm going through the anger stage of the acceptance or whatever its called. I feel like the exception and all of this stuff that I'm describing happened as a kid so I shouldn't be surprised, so I technically did know all my life. I must have really repressed it. I wouldn't want to get treatment because I didn't respond well the first time and the confusion over diagnosis. Also I've seen that therapy doesn't help some people and that they still get the thoughts and the anxiety and to be honest that isn't how I would want to live. It came true for me and if I wasn't a coward I would kill myself. Especially as you never become certain over whether these things are true or not, you know uncertainty. I'm also doing all these things that they tell you to do in exposures anyway. So what's the point? It doesn't matter about my future because I just don't know about anything. Well I do but I'm just sad about the outcome I guess. I also read something about the difference between reassurance seeking and just looking up information. The reassurance seeker looks for the desired answer whereas the person just looking for information looks for the truth. That's what I'm doing is trying to find the truth. In a perfect world I wouldn't have these things and everyone would say that about their problems but I don't live there and I have all these things to deal with. I feel like I have no where to go with all of this and again I shouldn't post on here. Even when I go a couple of days without posting I say to myself 'see I don't have OCD because if I did, I would've been anxious not posting for a day.' I'm just a lost cause.
  6. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages Dksea. You're completely right, I was exaggerating about that point. Of course I don't know how every single person feels. But, I have only related to people who actually did turn out to be these things. I don't see how I can trust all of this (feelings, arousals, dreams etc) to be OCD when thats what normal people experience but for me its to something that I don't want to deal with. Theres people that have attractions that they wish they didn't have and they never act on it. I can't see a difference between me and one of those people. I still go onto these other sites and I still relate to them more. Thats the question wouldn't you feel hopeless if you went onto an ocd forum and felt like you couldn't relate and then went somewhere else and you were like 'this is me.' I'm not happy about it but it seems like it. It seems like I'm only worried about the aftermath and how everything I felt I wanted in life is gone. I actually question why I wanted these things in the first place, it feels like I'm okay with it. Its probably because I was brainwashed by society to want a conventional life. That sounds stupid but whatever. With the comments on Freud, yeah I used to think it was all really strange what he says but if I relate to it. It doesn't matter.
  7. It's just been a terrible week. I'm just tired and always thinking whats the point in anything. I've ended up not doing well in classes. Not because I don't try because I'm not good at it and I'm always the dumbest person there. No one cares. I don't even care anymore, I haven't for a long time. It just feels as though everyone is doing great and I am just there. That's a stupid issue thats been on my mind. I've had issues surrounding the same stuff. Tuesday, I was getting aroused by these things, it felt like I enjoyed them and didn't care. Like this was what I wanted and it is who I truly am. I get this weird feeling when people say 'be who you are' because it feels like this is the real me. Friday was really difficult too. In class, the subject of Freud came up and I think a lot of people on here know about him. I kept thinking this probably the unconscious part of me and that everything I feared is coming true. In one aspect it has, I'm sure now that I'm probably attracted to one of my family members even though I was terrified and didn't want it to happen. But theres only so much I can take. As soon as I said it was true - it actually came true. Its turns out that was just repression. It feels like I want it. There's no point. I feel like theres some sort of disconnect between who I thought I was and who I actually am.
  8. Nope, never will. I can't trust myself thats clear. I haven't been truly accepting myself for ages. I cling onto this false hope that I could be normal, but none of it is true. It never has been true. I was in some sort of deluded state. Its moments like this where I am really reminded of that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you were implying that. Because I read here and don't feel like I relate at all. I feel sick. I lied to myself and no one has ever felt like me and then gone through the other side not being what they feared. Its just not possible.
  9. There's no point I'm wrong about everything all the time. What's the point? I'm just done at this point. I was on facebook and a cousin of mine appeared on my timeline. They don't regularly update it. Anyway, as soon as their name appeared I got really really anxious. This is different to my other thoughts. Its because I'm a liar and I can't cope. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I don't care about them and I feel like a sick person. There's no point. I'm a delusional person that wanted all of this to be ocd when its real. I'm sorry I'm just crying right now. I'm so fed up. I could apply that my 'real' feelings weren't in fact real, thats how I read it. Sorry for being difficult.
  10. I had a really bad night where I just sat and cried for ages. All of it had gone and I knew it was true. It didn't matter anyway. I really don't believe it. There's like no point in trying. I ended up getting the thoughts today and it was like I didn't care. I don't see the point everything I worried about came true. Literally if anyone touches me/bumps into me or anything like that I get instantly aroused and I wish I didn't. It's been like that for so long, it probably started happening in early childhood and I didn't care until I was older. I know I'm not the only one who feels like that because I am one of these people. My therapist said the cbt was evidence based. I did gather actual evidence. I just feel like I still don't relate. I was online and a clip from Keeping up with the Kardashians came up (I had to see this today of all days). It was one of the sisters who had organisation and cleaning issues and was seen by an OCD specialist. At first I thought, she says that her organisation and cleaning brings her joy, but still is very picky about her house and on further inspection online she said "some people call OCD a curse, I call it a blessing" which made me so angry because people on this site with contamination and cleaning/organisation rituals wouldn't view it as such. I don't like to judge though, but is it bad that I got really angry about it? That this is the representation - that ocd doesn't cause pain and suffering. I don't know it just set me off but also because I thought I don't have those 'known' symptoms so I wouldn't be taken seriously, its happened before. That's really ignorant. Again, I know that theres so many other symptoms and its stupid to be like this, this forum is proof of that. 90% of the stuff I post is just stupid, useless and a waste of space. But I felt like I had to rant about it. I also get confused when people say feelings are not facts, I know you've tried to explain it but I'm still confused about it. I just think if I'm constantly aroused by it - it means that I'm that type of person.
  11. All I'm saying is that people who are into this kind of stuff also get feelings and are obviously aroused by it. What makes me so different? I just think what's the point of me going through treatment for me to know that I'm probably this person. I'm wasting peoples time (which I'm already doing here) and I just have to live with it. My way of thinking is that I feel as though the worst always happens. Its silly to think like that because things could be worse. There are worse things going on in the world and I'm just complaining. Even if I did have OCD I've never had the scarier thoughts that other people have and I feel awful for them. In regards to the reddit page, its scary to see that people's fear in relation to ocd came true, its sad, you spend all that time on it for it to come true. I was just ranting about that, it just bugs me. With the Theory A/B stuff, I filled out one sheet about worries to do with my health during one of my sessions. With that, they said that they had felt like that sometimes, but to be honest I can't really remember anything else about it. I spiralled into a really bad depression at the time. Also my therapist said it was evidence based, so I have evidence that proves something, why dismiss it? It feels like all this stuff doesn't matter that I was wrong about everything because it came true and its like I don't care, I feel nothing towards all of this. There was no point in me trying to prove it or run away from it the entire time.
  12. At first I wanted to find stuff to show that it was OCD rather than the alternative. I tried to look at the differences but there really are none now. There are people who don't act on these things but yet still feel them. Everything lines up. That's why I feel like there's no point in dismissing it. I'm still confused about the whole logic thing. It's been pointed out that no one really understands my logic in my everyday life. If I explain my process, people look at me weird. I don't get them either though. It's not really thoughts it more feelings and arousal that hits without thinking about it. I ordered some books on OCD to read up and learn more about it because of the forum. But I also see articles and instagram pages from trained cbt/erp specialists who keep saying it attacks whats important to you/your values. To me it just feels like thats not completely accurate (if I'm wrong, I'm sorry) There's probably people who have strange symptoms with no real reason behind it. It also doesn't guarantee that these things won't come true and what if you change your values? Theres no real point in me being frustrated with it. I ended up looking up the OCD reddit page and theres a lot of people who's fears came true. That freaked me out. You're right I am harsh about that stuff. Its just if I look up the definition/symptoms/people's experience of OCD, depression, anxiety etc. I feel like I don't relate because I feel I don't follow the traditional OCD cycle diagram that was shown to me back in CBT. I don't get intrusive thoughts, I get feelings/arousal. It's like its real. I hate being difficult and I know it really gets on people's nerves and I do apologise! But if I fit a description of something thats fair enough, whether I like it or not. Also as soon as I stopped arguing against it I knew it was true and still shows itself to be. Yeah, they weren't the best therapist. It's like you only need to come on here to see the different symptoms and pain people are in. I feel like their knowledge was really outdated and ignorant when I look back on it. I shouldn't be too harsh though. My sense of self was something I made up and was shattered completely. People change. I'm over it now it seems, I no longer feel sad about it. I don't see how you can disconnect yourself from it, it seems to be who I am and always have been. There's no point to it really. Also again, I'm sorry for being a pain.
  13. What does it mean though? If I was 'looking' for it it would be fair enough. But in this case it literally just happens, no thought or anything behind it. Thats what I find so troubling about it. Again, I'm sorry for being so difficult.
  14. I apologise I should've been clearer! I feel like I'm doomed either way especially as I already have all of this evidence, even tonight there can be at least six things added. I'm sorry for being difficult.
  15. I basically went to see someone and I thought what I could be dealing with was OCD. They said it couldn't be because it didn't sound like OCD and also they used the example of a client of theirs having to stop the sessions in order to wash their hands multiple times. I was never told that I had anything but my anxiety and depressions levels were normal for a girl my age at the time. They didn't diagnose me with anything. I was then referred back a couple of years later. I was told that I was dealing with OCD, did some cbt and then later was put on medication. I read the books, forums etc. None of it helped and it wasn't because I didn't try, it just didn't. Cbt really made me think that it was all real, stuff like theory A/B which still sends me through the roof. I was then referred again and when I was doing the interview thing I wasn't told that I had ocd. I also I didn't feel like I had ocd. I've never gone back to therapy since and I've been off medication for a couple of years. In these sessions I wasn't told that I had anything else. I tried to find help through my university and I couldn't get any. Don't want to talk to my gp about it because I'll end up getting referred and then being told its all true. But theres nothing really against it now. It's clear that its just repressed feelings. It's scary but theres no point in trying anymore. I also don't believe it is ocd because it seems so different and real.
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