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don't know

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  1. Do you ever wonder what's the point in all of this? What's the point in going on when they'll always be something to trip you up constantly. I've been having a rough couple of days and nothing's helping. I have no motivation, which is the worst when you have very important deadlines for tomorrow. But, I don't care to do anything the prospect of failing doesn't cause any worry. I just don't care about anything anymore. I break down in tears at the prospect of the future. I keep thinking about what a failure I am. There's nothing good (enough though logically I know that's not true). What do I do to get myself out of this? Again, sorry for the rant.
  2. don't know

    It's over

    Hello and thank you for being so nice. I'm currently have a **** time with other things - haven't been too lucky with life and just generally not feeling good enough. So, in a bit of a fragile state. In the beginning I would just google things and read articles, testing, checking and asking for reassurance. I would spend so many hours in my bed just thinking and trying to work it out. I don't do any of things anymore. I just come on here and post and spend hours doing it and going on all OCD forums. I just feel like I don't have a sense of who I am anymore. I got like a two month break from it but now I feel like I did at the beginnning. I feel bad because all I do is complain, but I just don't know if I have OCD or not. It just feels like I'll always be like this and it's leading me down into a depression.
  3. don't know

    It's over

    I ended up joining another OCD forum and posting on it. I posted my complete story on there and someone replied 'do you do anything to stop the thoughts, if you don't I'm not convinced it's true OCD.' I feel defeated it's been four years and I've wasted my time being an imposter. I'm sorry for bothering you guys for over a year when I clearly didn't have OCD to begin with. I even received medication and therapy for it - I must have been lying the entire time. That's what I feared.
  4. don't know

    ......

    Hi, thanks for the reply. I deleted the post because I found reassurance and now I'm confused again. I feel awful that I keep going on about it, but I genuinely didn't think I feel this much for someone ever again (since OCD appeared) and it really sucks that it wouldn't have worked out. Again, he didn't know because I didn't tell him. But, that's wishful thinking and not realistic at all. I just thought that I actually couldn't feel anything towards anyone because of this - basically ending up asexual or aromantic - which I understand isn't a bad thing whatsoever but it feels so alien to me. I can't stop looking through those types of forums and worrying about the future. It's pathetic I understand. But it genuninly freaks me out. Again, sorry for posting on an OCD forum when it doesn't have anything to do with OCD. I just feel alone. Again, thanks for the reply
  5. Hi, thanks for the reply. i think they knew it would bother me, but I couldn't stop thinking about it to the point where I started questioning whether I was what my intrusive thoughts are telling me. It just feels like I can never fully gain control of it. It does hurt coming from my family though because they saw how awful it made me, so to make a joke or insinuate there was any truth to my OCD was not cool. In regards to your second point - I've thought about it but I don't think he likes me in that way. I feel crazy about him, which I haven't felt like this in a few years (OCD really puts a damper on those feelings). It would also be too awkward because it's not like he talks to me that often and I think he just tries to be nice because he's that type of person (also he is like that with everyone) It sucks but I know the best thing is to move on from it.
  6. I was doing fine for a while on the OCD front but now I'm back in. I was watching TV with my family when someone came on TV and one of my family members said I wonder what it's like to be them and the other person said 'be like you' pointing at me and they even stared at me whilst saying it and smiled. I felt quite hurt because when I didn't know what this was I confinded in my family because I was terrified I was losing my mind. They reassured me that I was okay and they didn't know what had come over me. I felt hurt because they used something like that and compared me to it. I'm scared my family think of me as my intrusive sexual thoughts and especially when I felt secure in myself for a change it's completely rattled me and I feel like I need to ask them if they really see me in this light. I'm sorry for another post, you must be sick of me. But, I don't know whether to ask them what they meant by it or not. What should I do? Thanks for reading
  7. don't know

    Effects of OCD

    Hi, I actually was pushing myself as I was speaking to a lot of different people and shaking hands etc. That's a big deal because I feel really uncomfortable with anyone touching me because I believe that I've been inappropriate with them because I deal with sexual themes. So, it was mainly positive. But, it was at that point it really reminded me of something I could never have and made me feel really depressed.
  8. Hello everyone This is a different kind of post, not exactly OCD related. I was at a party last night and there were lots of couples there. There was point in the night when they got up to dance - basically everyone got up and there was only me and a couple of other people left sitting down. I nearly burst into tears because I was reminded of how lonely I actually was and all because of OCD. If I hadn't spent so many years trapped inside of my head as well as battling low self esteem and depression I probably would've have had a boyfriend to share those lovely memories with. It was only a small portion of the night but it really got to me and I thought to myself that'll never be me. I also think because I really like this guy and he shows no interest in me, like he's nice and talks to me but it's not like he's ever asked me out - I'm feeling quite down about it. Anyway, has anyone ever felt quite angry/upset over what could have been but because of your OCD things never turned out that way? I'm feeling quite down about it and was wondering if anyone could relate at all. I understand that this is a pathetic post Thanks for reading
  9. don't know

    Am I a creep? Am I delusional?

    Hello everyone and thank you for the replies to this topic. It's a bit different to the other topics I post on this forum. I think also because I had no usual OCD fears around this I felt so great and felt really normal. I did make sure I wasn't being too much so I restricted myself from talking to him and everything because that experience that I described. I knew nothing would come of it so I'm quite embarrassed to be this disappointed by it (even posting about this is really embarrassing for me) i just saw a change in his change behaviour towards me (again I don't know this for sure - I think he was just trying to be nice to me and I fell for it) and I felt really down about it - especially because I did look forward to seeing him (which I felt was stalkerish behaviour) I started distancing myself from him a couple of days ago again because I thought this. It was quite difficult in classes because I just kept thinking what was wrong with me and if I had been awful or weird towards him in any type of way. Again thanks for the replies - I really do appreciate it
  10. Hi, this is a really really embarrassing post for me, but I've tried to speaking to someone about and they are saying I'm looking to deeply into this. I posted on here a while ago that I've developed a crush on a guy at university. I'm worried that it's not normal or if I'm actually a creep and a horrible person. This is a rambley post with no real structure to it and I don't think has anything to do with OCD. I would really appreciate some advice because I'm scared. It started really randomly. One day this guy just struck up a conversation with me and we seemed to have a lot in common. I felt really comfortable and just wanted to stay there with him. He would often laugh at my jokes as well - and I'm not very funny. I haven't felt like this in a really long time. I would get really excited to see him and talk to him. I felt in coversations he would be extra nice to me and I just got that feeling of extreme happiness. I even thought 'maybe' he might even feel the same as I had to do a group project with him. I felt as though he treated me a bit differently (or maybe I wanted him to) and he was really understanding about my extreme fear of public speaking and doubt about my work. He kept telling me I would do great and to not worry about it, and even told me what to do when I felt really anxious about it. Even, throughout it he would smile at me and I felt a lot better about it. When it was done, he complimented me and told me that I had done great. He didn't say that to anyone else but me (I'm reaching, I know) That's kind of where this ends. I told someone about this crush (someone that doesn't even know him) and how I knew nothing would come of it and I was sure he didn't like me in that way because in all honesty he never spoke to me outside of uni or anything, so I knew it was one sided and I was setting myself up for disappointment. However, this week I went in and he didn't speak to me at all. I was quite sad by this and felt like he just ignored me and was irritated by me. But during class I turned round a couple of times to him looking at me (reaching I think again) Basically I'm scared that I'm a delusional creep. That I've made these things bigger than they actually are. I've also read about mental disorders in which you obsess over people. I'm also scared just in case he thinks I'm stalking him because I ended up getting to my class early and I decided to go and get some water beforehand and when I came back he was there, and yesterday I arrived early and he ended up walking in straight after me (again he didn't talk to me). Another instance was today I was walking to another building and he was walking in the door just slightly ahead of me. That's quite a few times to bump into someone by accident, like did I do that on purpose? Does he think that I'm stalking him? I'm worried that on some level he was creeped out by me or knew that I had told someone else about my feelings for him. I feel like he's really closed off with me and I feel like it's because I was really creepy towards him. I don't know what to think. I keep retracing my steps and thinking if I had done anything to offend him or make him feel uncomfortable. I can't really think of anything (and I've tried really hard to think of things) I'm also thinking that I've misinterpreted all these interactions because I just don't want to feel lonely or feel 'normal' - especially when I also deal with sexual intrusive thoughts. Maybe he can tell I have these and is weirded out by me. I'm also worried that one of my friends at uni could tell and had told him, or I accidentally sent a message about it without knowing. Another reason is because this has happened to me before - I was totally in love with this guy a few years ago and my friend at the time told me to talk to him. So, I struck up a conversation with him. I thought that he liked me because my friend told me he did - even though he had a girlfriend. Anyway, long story short - it ended up in tears and he called me a c***. I was so devasted by this that I emotionally closed myself off to anyone because I was so embarrassed at how stupid I had been. I'm worried I've done the same with this guy, even though I've been careful this time with who I speak to about this. I'm also worried that I'm pathetic looking for reasons why he would like me when I know he doesn't. I feel delusional like I've made these things up in my head and that they never happened. It's not like he ever asked me out or anything. I just want to make sure that I wasn't inappropriate or creepy towards him. I know this post makes me look like a pathetic delusional loser but I need to know I wasn't being inappropriate or making anyone feel uncomfortable because I would feel so awful if I done anything like that. I'm sorry for this rant but it's been on my mind for days now and I'm so embarrassed by it.
  11. My family are planning a big event and they want to use old family photos. I get really panicky around old pictures and memories because of my sexual obsessions. I'm scared just in case they come across a photo that suggest a sexual manner. I avoid all family pictures for that reason and I try to look through them first before anyone sees them. In this situation I don't have control over that. I'm terrified that I am a monster and my family will discover it. I've tried explaining why I feel this way but they think I'm being dramatic (can't disagree to be honest) I'm really scared that I'm an awful person! Has anyone else had something like this?
  12. don't know

    Don't know

    So, something weird happened to me. I developed a crush on this guy. I don't know how it happened but it's quite embarrassing. I haven't felt this happy in a long time and I can't stop thinking about him. I know nothing's going to come out of this, which kinda upsets me - it's happened many times before. However, I'm terrified that I've somehow 'forced' myself to think of this guy like this. I see that my actual feelings and 'ocd' feelings are completely different. However, I'm scared just in case this is my OCD tricking me into feeling this way and I actually don't feel this. I've been reading about people who say they forced themselves into people and actually when it came round to it they didn't want to. I'm terrified by this. I don't think this is ocd but I'm wondering if anyone else has gone through this?
  13. don't know

    I give up it's not OCD

    I deal with a range of sexual themes, so it's really distressing thanks for the reply
  14. don't know

    I give up it's not OCD

    I've read other articles and forums (non OCD related) where they ended up acting on things and ended up enjoying them even though they had never thought about it (I don't mean that to be triggering to anyone - but these people didn't have OCD) I'm just worried that will end up happening to me! I'm terrified of the future because of this.
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