Andiamo

@dksea Yes, that’s something I have struggled with, confessing but immediately wanting to go back and “re-do” it. Especially if I have the troublesome thoughts pop into my mind, thus renewing the guilt cycle. I am hoping to one day have a spiritual counselor or someone to help guide me in this struggle. I am glad to hear that what I am feeling is not super rare or somehow infrequent. But then again, almost all questions about OCD are like that most likely... Thank you again for your wonderful insight and support!

@dksea thank you for your great reply! You provided some great points to remember. It’s been disappointing how I went from doing pretty ok to just having a down and out month. I am also planning to go to confession soon. Hoping to put my thoughts and feelings behind me. It’s kind of scary how real the thoughts are, I kind of lose sight of how I normally think. I don’t really remember how I processed things or thought about various things before my spell with OCD (going on 3 years this past month). Thanks again for your kind words. I need to pick up some books like Brain Lock and Imp of the Mind. They might help me understand my situation better. It’s hard to see it from afar since I’m immersed in it on a daily basis

Hi all, I've had a rough go of it for this entire month. A lot of it is my own doing but I feel overwhelmed at the moment. My obsessions focus primarily on religious themes, blasphemy, talking to satan, thinking horrible things (I am Roman Catholic). The one thing I have noticed is that ever since I have become more anxious and frustrated, the thoughts have escalated. I had one night of just losing my temper and thinking horrible things in the midst of a mini-anger attack. Another night while sitting near my bed, I hoped for horrible things to happen to myself, also with the taint of anger and frustration. Is it common for thoughts of one's OCD variety to be worse or the intrusive thoughts to come along more forcefully when we are in an emotional state? Specifically an emotional state that is very negative. It has caused me to ruminate endlessly over whether this is what I really want or really believe, or whether it's all OCD. Now there are times when I avoid ruminating, but there's this pit in my stomach with the accompanying feeling that I have done something terrible and evil. I am currently fearing whether I have vocalized these thoughts and want to say them out loud. I think that's sort of part of the magical thinking that I am engaged in? I know you guys have gotten this question over and over times 100, but I really can't seem to get past the belief in my mind that I am this or have thought this, etc. I am currently looking for a new therapist, and unfortunately I do not receive much support from family and friends. I actually try to keep all of this to myself to the best of my ability, but it feels suffocating at times. Thank you.

Hi St. Mike and Polar Bear. Apologies for the late reply. I very much appreciate your replies to my topic. I have really struggled with not performing mental compulsions, especially reviewing the thoughts and trying to "fix them". Thanks for all of the tips St. Mike, I will start to try to put these into action. I have a very difficult time forgiving myself as I feel intuitively that the thoughts are my fault. I'm not sure why I can't convince myself otherwise, I suppose it's just one of the many things I need to work on. Polar Bear, I didn't think of talking to my priest as a compulsion but now that you mentioned it I can't deny that it is. I have found that talking to people aside from a therapist doesn't really result in reassurance anyways. In fact it's made things worse at times for me, especially this time last year. Right now I'm having a lot of difficulty with nostalgia and OCD. I keep wishing I could go back and do things differently in regards to the aftermath of my mini flare up last fall. I couldn't change the immediate reaction, but I should have done a better job after that anxiety dissipated. I think part of the reason I've had such a hard time with this is that I felt so different emotionally speaking. I remember reading an article about scrupulosity recently about how it's like an alarm system that went off and won't go off so to speak. It also made mention of how it makes you feel guilty and that certainly fits what I'm feeling. I think the only things I truly need to concentrate on right now are tempering the compulsions and finding the right OCD therapist. I was also thinking of purchasing a few books such as Brain Lock and others helping to explain OCD clinically and behaviorally. I'm not sure if you guys have any book recommendations, but I'm open to all suggestions! One last thing I also regret and will try to avoid repeating is not being more open about specific thoughts with the therapist I see. I regret not opening up about the mini flare up/relapse with the Psychiatrist I was seeing. Though I don't know if it would have changed anything overall. I haven't let it stop me from living, but I do wish I wouldn't have let it eat me up so much these past 9 months or so. I am thankful it hasn't done more damage, so that's something I need to remember. I've also realized in the last couple of days that my "high point" those months ago were filled with a lot of repression of thoughts and avoidance. Which means it was more of a lull period as opposed to true progress. Repression of intrusive thoughts and praying to keep them away. I even remember doing it just before the mini flare up

Hello all. This is my first post to the Forums. I have searched through this site for a while now, and it's been tremendously helpful reading about fellow individuals with OCD and your supportive advice for them. I'm not sure how in detail I should go but I will try to be as succinct as possible. I've suffered from OCD since the age of 12. It started as checking at school, and it evolved into concerns over my health and possibly contracting cancer. Then it morphed again into what has bothered me for many years now (I am currently 23 years old). Most of my OCD history has been centered around my faith (Roman Catholicism) and it's quite painful given that I try to practice said faith as best I can. I had a flare up in May of 2016 and haven't been the same since. In times past I would have a problem but it would go away in a day or two. It was the classic ebb and flow, but it overwhelmed me and hasn't let go ever since (in terms of high intensity and daily struggles). The flare up occurred a few weeks before graduating from University in the States, but thankfully it did not impact my academics or grades for that matter. However, I do not feel like I can function normally, and haven't in quite some time as mentioned above. I was a complete wreck when it first flared up. As of right now, I feel as though I can survI've, but I would like to improve on what I feel now. I've suffered from emotional emptiness since September of last year. The OCD content has all been centered around traditional scrupulous concerns. I still have a hard time opening up about it. One of the main reasons I am writing this to you all is a mini flare up that occurred in that same September of 2016. The first couple of weeks in September I was really starting to feel better. I was more at spiritual peace and things were looking up. But then one night I was struck with a terrible thought that haunts me to this day. I remember it vividly, happening to me alone in my room in the dark. What's so strange to me is that I was feeling completely relaxed mentally (which was quite rare at the time and still is) and then the thought came barging into my head without any warning and on its own accord. I've looked into this phenomena quite a bit (probably more than I should) and it seems intrusive thoughts can do this to people. As I understand it, they appear in a flash and leave you very shaken (which is what happened to me to a T). It was also scary because the thought happened without any warning, on its own as it were. I immediately panicked and started to breathe heavy. I tried to review the thoughts (I know that was a mistake on my part in trying to overcome this). And of course that didn't do me any good. The worst part about this is that it's left me feeling empty and not myself. What I hate about it so much is that I felt that I was finally on the right track and I was right with God. And ever since that night, I feel as though I am simply existing and haven't felt that connection to the Divine. I punish myself daily for what happened that night in my head, I feel that it's my fault and what also scares me is that I had bad thoughts before since that time in 2016 but I always seemed to rebound. Not so since then. I know I shouldn't feel that it's my fault, but I do and it's been very hard to change that mindset. I've prayed often to get that connection back and to feel whole again, but I haven't received an answer (or maybe I have and haven't recognized it which would be my fault). I don't want to ramble on but I would like to let everyone know I have received therapy for a brief while (from July of last year to February of this year). Unfortunately I was no longer able to see the Psychiatrist I was visiting due to a change in health care. I am currently looking for a new provider and hopefully I will be able to find a new therapist. The Psychiatrist was very nice but she wanted to perform treatment primarily through medication and talk therapy. She didn't want to do CBT which I find odd given that CBT is the gold standard for OCD treatment. Part of the problem is I live in an area where therapists are few and far between (a surplus is available in an area a little ways from me but the commute would be tough). So in some ways I just dealt with the cards handed to me in that particular time period with the past Psychiarist. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated. I know I shouldn't ask or expect to receive relief in the form of words from you all. But I don't really have anyone I can talk with in regards to my OCD and my concerns. I have confided in my parish priest in the past but unfortunately he moved away. I'm hoping to reconnect with him and explain my concerns from September. Again thank you for the help and support you give to everyone who posts on here. Sorry if this was too large of post, looking forward to your insight. Andiamo