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ibc

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  1. Hi, everyone -- I was wondering if I could get some advice support here. I have decided, after years of abusing alcohol that I am going to finally stop drinking for good. It's the only way that I can see how to end the self-destruction that's been plaguing me for years. Long story short - my wife and I are having marital problems and it's been a real challenge to not drink the pain away for the last month or so. Two nights ago, after having not eaten all day, I drank 10 beers. I'm 195 pounds, but I'm still a "light weight" and that mixed with not eating, made me feel completely obliterated drunk. I started drinking at around 8:00 that night and didn't stop until 12:30. I went to work the next morning at around 11:30am. I didn't feel drunk when I left the house. I was lost in thought, perhaps maybe still impaired by the alcohol and nearly killed a man by merging into his lane and almost causing him to hit a wall. He exited the interstate safely after this and I tried unsuccessfully to find him, but I couldn't. I wanted to apologize. I feel such an intense guilt not knowing if the alcohol truly played a role in my slip up on the road. Either way, I'm stopping drinking. It has been nothing but unhelpful for me. How can I forgive myself? Should I forgive myself?
  2. *Potentially triggering to those with Harm OCD* Hey there and thank you for reading my post. Anyone with any advice to offer would be much, much appreciated. A little context - I'm in my 30s and I've been an OCD sufferer since I was in my early teens. I had everything from moral/religious OCD obsessions to POCD. In the beginning, when I was a teenager, I had some harm OCD stuff where I would see violent images of people that I cared about, but for the most part, my OCD has centered on sexual fears and related moral concerns. I've had severe POCD obsessions for a good part of my life and they are lessening now (thank goodness). I've been married for just under a year and my wife is very understanding of my OCD. I love her. This is the first time I've been married (hopefully the only time I ever will be) and I hadn't been in many relationships before we got married so I'm always trying to figure out how to navigate management of my OCD with her and also just how to manage personality differences between myself and her. I think I'm a good husband. I certainly try to be the best one that I know how to be in big and small ways. Recently, we've had some worldview/political discussions that have led me to think that there are some fundamental differences between us. I've shared this concern with her and she doesn't seem to mind. The main reason I bring up things like this to her is for transparency. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I feel like she needs to know everything about me so that I'm not hiding things and she can make informed decisions about our relationship. This is likely an OCD concern. As is the case with any couple, some of our disagreements have led to me getting angry or frustrated. I'm not the type of person to express my anger outwardly. I can't imagine ever being anything remotely approaching verbally abusive to her. I know it's not healthy, but I sometimes just bottle up the feelings. One night, I found myself feeling really frustrated by a discussion we were having. I was driving at the time and I remember having an awful, awful, dark thought while at an intersection as I about to make a left hand turn. It was, "instead you could pull out in front of this oncoming car as it's approaching and it would hurt both of you". I was feeling frustrated and angry about our conversation. I also don't remember the car being so close to where I couldn't get around it, so I went for it. I pulled out in front of the car and accelerated really quickly so that we would be sure to get around it. She was on her phone, but joked about how fast I was driving. I think I was accelerating so quickly so that we'd get around the car and that we wouldn't be hurt. But why on earth did I pull out in front of it in the first place? I honestly believe that my irrational anger at that point led me to act irrationally. Later, I broke down and explained what happened to her. I love my wife. Did I honestly do something dangerous that would potentially hurt her? Or was I overreacting. She did say that the speed I was driving was "out of character" for me, but was I just speeding up to get us to safety after I'd made a reckless driving decision. I've been replaying this moment over and over and over again in my head since it happened months ago, trying to figure out if I'd really been driving that recklessly or if I was overreacting. For instance, was the other car so close that I would have deemed it ok to pull out even if I hadn't been angry? I don't know. I'll never know, but I've been replaying it over and over again trying to figure it out. Fast forward to the present time. I've broken down and apologized over this stupid moment to her multiple times. Her advice is to just forgive myself and move on. She loves me. I love her. I just I don’t think I necessarily have an anger problem, though I do find myself getting frustrated when we have differences of opinion. I think probably everyone does? Sometimes, I’ll have a fleeting thought about whether or not we’re compatible and I wonder if it’s ROCD. Recently, I found myself in another situation where I felt frustrated at her in a time of disagreement. And maybe this Harm OCD kicking in, but I’ve found myself having these terrible, violent thoughts in my head about her. Let me repeat, I would never, under any circumstances lay a finger on my wife, so this has me not only guilt stricken, but afraid. I try to the best husband I can to her and I don’t want to be with anyone else. We have a great relationship, but I find myself so often filled with doubt and fear of the future. I would love the perspective of anyone who has ever gone through something similar, or just an outsider’s perspective.
  3. Not sure if this really falls under the umbrella of OCD or not. I have a bad habit of confessing things to my wife when I feel as if I’ve done something wrong. I used to confess to her if I thought I’d looked at another woman or if I had inadvertently flirted with someone else. In hindsight, in many of those cases, I don’t think I had done anything wrong, but at the time it seemed like I did. Or, I would confess if I had sexual thoughts about another woman. Stuff like that. I’m often obsessed with the feeling like I’ve been unfaithful. I love my wife. Would never cheat. She has been urging me to stop confessing and mostly I’ve been doing better, but I recently did something I feel quite guilty about. While out of town, I slipped up and watched porn a few times while we were apart. I feel particularly bad because the last time this happened was during a time when my wife was mourning the loss of our family pet, which she had had for many years. We weren’t in the same city when I slipped up and looked at the stuff, but I feel as if I stabbed her in the back during an emotionally rough time for her, even though I feel that I was otherwise completely emotionally supportive of her and was checking in on her constantly and giving her my support. I know I screwed up. I don’t generally watch porn anymore. I used to (a lot) but stopped when we started dating like 3 years ago. In that time, I’ve looked at it maybe three times. When I last confessed this, she said that she doesn’t care if I watch it and that I should stop confessing. I hear her and I believe her. I’ve also made up my mind to stop watching porn because it makes me feel bad. Maybe it’s fine for some people but it makes me feel bad. Part of me says that I should just move on, not confess that I slipped up a couple of times recently and just move on, but another part me says to confess it. That I’ve done something really wrong, especially when she was herself going through a rough time. Any advice would be much appreciated. OCD has clouded my judgement about when to confess.
  4. Warning: some sensitive sexual content/POCD trigger. I am really concerned that I have acted on a POCD thought and I need some advice. I’ve struggled with POCD off and on for the better part of five years. I have a habit of checking, experiencing false attraction or what I hope is, confessing, and ruminating/re-examining situations to see if I acted inappropriately. Though the turmoil has always only been internal (distressing thoughts and groinal reactions), I am really worried that I may have acted on a thought. Today I was in a line at a business waiting for my turn and there was a little girl and her mother in front of me. To be honest, I was annoyed at the girl and her mother because they were going very slowly and I was being, admittedly, impatient. I was later told that they also cut in line but I didn’t really notice at the time. Any way, I was standing next to the little girl and at one point I had an intrusive thought. I pushed it away and then continued on in the line but i then had another intrusive thought about being annoyed by the girl. At this point, I turned my body as if I was about to brush against the girl in a passive aggressive way. I don’t think I would ever do this, but the thought happened and I actually did turn my body as if I was going to do this. So, I had the thought “you could brush up against this girl” and then I actually felt myself start to. I didn’t actually touch her at all and I would never in a million years want to. This is my worst nightmare. I’m worried that in a quick lapse or judgement, I acted, even though no one noticed or knew. Any one been in a similar situation?
  5. Thank you all for your input. I think my mind is being hard on me because I did the weird filming thing while were dating and it feels like I did something wrong in the context of our relationship. I've tod her a lot about some POCD concerns that I have and I'm concerned that she may see that in a different light if she knew about this. Therefore, my brain says "tell her so she can make an objective decision about you and whether or not she wants to be with you." I know that sounds dumb. I just feel Ike she needs to know everything so she can make a fair decision about me. I love her so much. It's almost like my OCD is trying to sabotage things.
  6. Is there any value in confessing this? My brain can't tell the difference between what is appropriate or inappropriate to confess.
  7. Heads up everybody - there's some really strong, specific sexual talk here , so please be advised. I could really use some advice here -- I've had OCD since I was about 14 or 15 years old. I've had most variations of OCD that you can imagine, from contamination fears to a religious obsessions. Mostly though, my OCD focuses on sexual obsessions. For example, I've had severe POCD symptoms off and on for many years. I also feel the compulsive need to confess every sexual "mistake" or perceived mistake I've committed over the years. This constant confessing actually ruined a previous relationship that I was in. I'm in a relationship right now with a wonderful woman. However, this fear – this constant feeling like I need to confess everything is starting to rear its ugly head again. Sometimes these confessions go back to things that I did as many as 15 years ago. Sometimes they are more recent things. I watched porn for a long time in my life, but I gave that up when I started dating my girlfriend. I didn't like the feeling that I was cheating. I don't even really like masturbating on my own because I have some strange guilt about it. I don't know why exactly. For whatever reason, I have sometimes felt a fetishy-type feeling towards being filmed during sex. I've never made a sex tape with anyone or anything like that, but I have for whatever reason, masturbated while recording myself with my camera phone. I know it sounds super weird. I never intended on anyone else seeing it and deleted it afterwards, but there was something about it that was a turn on. Again, I never intended to keep the video or show it to anyone. I deleted it right away. It was just some weird quirk that I was trying out. This happened sometime last year I think. I haven't done it since, but I'm racked with guilt - feeling like I need to tell my girlfriend I did this. To sort of apologize or confess or something. Is this a legitimate feeling or just an OCD compulsion? Any advice would be much appreciated.
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