jamie2011

Sorry to be back again and posting for some support. I have been reading responses to various posts and it has helped at times to see that with work changes can be made. However I am still finding it a struggle. I can see the patterns and have realised when I should hold back from making decisions, but still feel certain things and keep going over things. At the moment I am due for a volunteer session this weekend. I keep having the urge to cancel and quit volunteering. I keep questioning my ability to do the role. I watch how others interact and try to work out if I am as able as them. It seems whenever I see other people in person or even watching tv I compare myself to them. I question my ability to interact. I imagine volunteering and being paired with a child and not being able to support them. That I won't know what to say or do. I keep thinking if I pull out then the anxiety will go, but I also know if I pull out my mood will be affected more than it already has. I am trying to tell myself I need to challenge my beliefs. To face the situation. I am just fed up. I don't know how I can face this daily. Going back and fourth between wanting to pull out or deciding to stay with it. I hate that every time I interact with someone or see people (various forms) it makes me question my ability. Someone said to me "its better to do something and feel anxious/low than do nothing and feel anxious/low. I am trying to work with that thought, but it is a struggle. Not sure if anyone has advice how to deal with a constant questioning of ones ability to interact with others.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone with this. I have struggled with this difficulty for many years now. it can affect so many things. I can also appreciate everyone has different ways of trying to manage it. I guess what I did want to say is that CBT can help with this. Over 10 years ago I had CBT and we worked on my fear of needing the toilet when out and wetting myself. My therapist worked with me to challenge this fear. It wasn't easy, it involved drinking a large amount of water and then going on public transport to a location and doing some physical activity all without using a toilet. I then had to travel back to the office by myself and wait for my therapist to follow. My therapist did everything I did, they also drank the same amount of water and did all the exercises. Prior to the appointment all I knew was I needed to bring a travel pass with me. I guess if I had known what we were going to do I may have pulled out. So it was really thrown in at the deep end and trusting my therapist that they knew what they were doing. It didn't cure me of my anxiety around this fear and I still struggle with it, however it did improve my situation. At the time I was struggling to stay away from home for more than 15 mins before returning. Since then I have been able to stay out and travel to places. So CBT can help improve situations even if the fear still remains.

Thanks for the input. I can see how it can be easy to not see progress. I suppose it is sometimes a matter of wanting things to change quite quickly and that not being how it really works. I am trying to tell myself that small changes here and there will help. That all these changes will build up and gradually there will be an improvement. I am on medication, but not neither of them are considered useful in OCD. I am not receiving CBT as of yet. I have been referred to the Maudsley, so it is dependent on funding whether I can get assessed and receive CBT there. I have requested to be referred to the psychiatrist, but not sure whether that will happen or if it does how long I will wait. I am feeling quite desperate, I just feel overwhelmed with the constant fear. I am also struggling with constant analysing of my thoughts and actions. I think I mentioned before that I keep thinking if I have the assessment I will be found out that I don't have any problems. I am questioning if I am genuine. Am I making things out to be worse than they are. Surely I can just stop following all these routines and compulsions. Maybe I am just lazy and don't want to work. Maybe I don't really care about others and just want people to feel sorry for me. Do I do certain actions to get a response. It is endless and it is driving me mad. I feel like I must be an awful person. I remember being in group therapy once and if I spoke it was for attention and if I didn't speak it was for attention eg by being quiet it would draw attention. I just couldn't win. There is part of me that wants to pull out of the referral so I don't need to keep thinking this. But in all honestly I don't think that will stop it. I will still constantly question myself as person. I also know that my anxiety and fears don't just stop employment it also stops things that I might enjoy. It affects me spending time with people I care about. Because when I am with them I question my words I use, if I don't pay enough attention to them it means I don't care. I like sports and being active, but again it is hard to do these activities. I just need some relief from this. Am running out of ideas. Most days I don't know how I can get through another doing the exact same. I guess I just have to keep challenging myself and try and deal with the anxiety. I guess medication wise I may have to just try and request a change through my GP if I am unable to see the psychiatrist.

Thanks for the feedback. I would like to think that I can see that in this moment in time I can only do my best and work on things in my own time. I just have this belief that if I was in employment then I would be functioning and being a part of society. However I do realise that being in employment will not really be the answer to all my problems. I know that they don't just disappear and haven't every existed. just a quick question if anyone is able to feedback. I am trying to understand how I can manage the anxiety and fear a bit more. At the moment I feel overwhelmed with it, I cannot seem to move away from certain thoughts/triggers. So I am still trying to stick with the volunteering. I was due for some more training yesterday. Leading up to it I wanted to pull out because of the anxiety. I managed to use some skills I learnt in therapy and just told myself it was a positive to attend and will help in my role. So I decided to attend. On the way I felt a panic coming on, but dealt with it. I was pleased that I attended and am continuing with trying to move forward. Afterwards though I felt anxiety again. Then when I got home I had the TV on and there was something on that showed an injury to someone one. This set off a deep sense of fear about getting ill, injured or dying and my anxiety just increased. I had thoughts that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything to prevent something happening. How does one work on these kinds of fear all the time. It is on my mind all day and everyday, which does affect my mood. I know in life people get ill, injured and die and that people do worry about it too. I just cannot move away from it. If I read a newspaper or watch Tv it triggers me. Someone a relative knows is having treatment for cancer and I was told all the details. Again it brings me down. I just don't know how to deal with it. I am trying to sit with the anxiety and low mood, but I am just in so much fear. I am also meant to see family this week, but I am worried about the travel (fear of getting stuck somewhere), something bad happening (I have thought that one of them might get ill and needing to go hospital while I am there), fear of needing the toilet when there isn't one. I am just scared to go. I haven't seen them for over a year and feel guilty about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am unsure whether what I am doing is worth it anymore. Is it worth pushing myself to go through the anxiety. Because right now I don't feel any better for it. I am just finding everyday things are triggering anxiety, affecting my mood and generally just wanted to stay away from everything.

Hi dksea, thank you for your reply and giving your experience of when you have felt the same. It was helpful to get some thoughts on how to try and manage this situation. I guess there are many areas that I am struggling with. I have some plans for this week that involve being around others. I just have to stick with them because I know if I cancel I will have the whole day of nothing. With thinking about more volunteer work I am looking at it because it would help with future employment and it doesn't cost anything to volunteer. At the moment it is finding things to do that don't cost too much. Also I hold a terrible amount of guilt for not being in employment. My therapist was curious as to why I always mentioned that I needed to work. When I see people who are working (daily) and may not be in a job they enjoy yet they get up everyday and go in to provide for themselves or their family I really feel awful. My support worker previously mentioned how far they travel in to work. It just makes me realise that people have to do things that are not always perfect to survive. Then there is myself who cannot not cope with employment. I have worked previously mostly part-time. Whenever I have gone full-time I fall apart. With the volunteer work I feel I am giving something back. I have even thought about employment, but I think it may be a bit too soon. I can see what you mean about doing small things and other things except from volunteer work. About a month ago I used to have a daily walk around the park with a tea, but soon enough I had enough of it. Sometimes I can be home by 1pm and cannot face going out anymore. However today I did go for a 20 minute run and that has made me feel better. I have also briefly opened up to a relative about struggling to manage. Not in too much detail. Just enough to say I don't know what to do anymore. My support worker often talks about finding a balance and doing things that are part of your values. So I have been trying to do this where possible. I am just so scared of how far I will go if I continue to struggle. I have had times where I have been in bed all day and only get up to eat. I cannot go there again. I appreciate we all have up and down moments. I just fear the downs.

sorry to post again. I really don't know what to do. I just feel overwhelmed with different feelings mainly anxiety and low mood. I don't know how much more I can take of living like this. I am going crazy and just don't feel like doing anything. I am in a weird position. I know I need to be more occupied in activities. So I have been searching more volunteer roles. However I am also in a frame of mind where I feel like quitting what I am currently doing. I just feel triggered by things all the time, not just the volunteer work. I know I need to face the fears and go against my instinct to quit, but I am just struggling. I know it is short lived if I quit. That if I were to my mood will be affected even more. I just feel fearful all the time. I see danger in everything. I don't know how to help myself in this situation. I even took part in an activity that I normally enjoy and I just couldn't even find the effort to try. Sorry to moan I am just reaching a point where I just can't deal with how I feel.

Thank you both for the response. ChrisB, thanks for pointing out the error of thinking too much. That is a big problem I face, I constantly have thoughts that affect me. Not only with the contamination, but lots of other things. I am starting to see that the thinking may actually be more of a struggle than I had first realised. I struggle to realise when I am doing it because it has become so normal to me. I analyse everything, I question myself as a person and what my actions say about me. For example I struggle with thoughts that make me question if I really have any problems or am I making it up. When I ask for support from professionals am I just attention seeking. It makes it hard to really be open. There are certain thoughts that I have that I struggle to verbalise through fear that the above maybe true. I have been referred for an assessment for CBT, but I constantly question whether I am in need of it. Maybe they will find I am fine and don't need treatment. Even when I carry out compulsions I question whether I am doing it to make me look like I need help, when I could just stop it easy. Well that is my thought process. I am just in a position now where I can't keep living this way. I struggle with my moods and often struggle to find the motivation to even walk somewhere, I fear getting ill, injured or dying, yet living like this makes me feel like I don't want to be alive and often have suicidal thoughts. Which is weird because that is one of my biggest fears. I have spent a very long time doing the same thing day after day. I want to change that. It is just the anxiety and thinking that gets in the way. Everyday I wonder how much more I can take, that I don't feel I can manage one more day like the previous. I know I need to start changing more things and getting more occupied during the days. I look back at times and can see how much I have changed and what I have lost. I wish I could have that back. To be more flexible, to not fear so much, to actually feel like I am experiencing life. It is like I need to find myself again. Not sure what to do next really, again the physical aspect maybe easier than the mental.

Hi again, just an update really and hopefully some feedback on how to manage with anxiety. I have now attended three volunteer session so far. In all three sessions I have had lots of physical contact eg holding hands with the children. It seems whilst in the moment I can force myself to hold their hands. I kind of even force myself to do it, like I can be in a situation where I could hold back, but I do the opposite. An example is a child wanting me to shake hands with a fellow volunteer. There was no actual need to do it, but I took it as an opportunity to push through the anxieties. My problem is the anxiety beforehand and afterwards. So all week before the session I keep thinking of the worst case scenario. I think about all the things that can happen. All week I think of pulling out. That eventually something will happen. It stays that way until the day before the session and I just know I have to go. Then the anxiety again rises after the session. I go over all of the physical contact. An example is I do the session and afterwards we have to evaluate what went on and use our phones to do this. I do the session and don't wash my hands. So then I use my phone without washing my hands and have touched all over my bag. I don't wash my hands until I get home, but I know I have touched other things. I am trying to just ignore it and not keep washing my hands. Telling myself just to wash my hands with normal things like after using the toilet and before eating. I have tried telling myself it I get ill I get ill, but it doesn't really cut it. Will the anxiety ease to an extent where I can just do what I need to do and not spend days in fear? I know three sessions is still early, but I am worried something will trigger me at a session. I really don't want to pull out of this role.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and experience on medication. I just have to build up the courage to request an appointment. I am going to be referred for treatment at CADAT, but it is dependent on my GP agreeing to funding. So I don't know what the wait will be like and was wondering if a change in medication will help over that period. I wasn't sure whether to wait for the assessment or to act now. I would also hope it may help also with the low mood. Will think about my options.

Hi, I wanted to start this thread to discuss medication. I just need some thoughts on my situation. So over the years I have tried 6 different medications. The one I am currently on isn't actually used to help with OCD like some others I have been on. Prior to this I was on Sertraline. During my time on Sertraline I did things that I cannot believe I would ever imagine. Things that now I would struggle to do. I took part in lots of activities, travelled more (now I rarely go further than two local places), I started full time work in a higher position etc. Then I hit a really rough patch and my mental health was awful, I was engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms and acted on suicidal thoughts. After this my medication was changed to my current one and I have been on it for 3 years. I am not sure whether I should request an appointment with the psychiatrist to discuss options. Can medication actually help that much? If there isn't much impact then I would probably just stay as I am, but if there is a chance changing could help I would consider it. Another thing I am struggling with is comments from those close to me. I am actually feeling quite awful about this. So someone close to me has been showing me articles about medication being hard to get off and that when people try to come off they have awful side effects. But when this happens doctors think it is a relapse and puts the person back on the medication. So it is taking years for people to come off. I just get the impression that they don't feel I need the medication I am on. I have tried reducing at times and my mental health got worse. I just feel that this person feels I shouldn't be on medication. Believe me if I felt I could get by without anything I would. How does one managed being told these stories? It just makes me feel bad to be taking medication.

Thanks PolarBear, I know you are right. I had a major wobble yesterday. I felt overwhelmed and acted on it. I had contact with the volunteer coordinator saying I would need to pull out of the role. This didn't go well with my wellbeing. My mood completely crashed. I felt like turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms I had used in the past. I felt like I a failure and felt hopeless. I cancelled plans to meet with family and just felt I needed to be alone. Then today I had an email from one of the employees from the organisation and it kicked me in to gear. I decided to continue with the volunteer position. I have now signed up to more sessions and some more training for the role. I can see now that this isn't going to be always be a smooth transition. I just know that if I don't stick with it I may slip further and further down. If I want a future I need to make these steps. I am trying to think more positive, think about my strengths (a difficult one) and try and work with the anxiety. I think this will be a learning experience. Just need to not act in the moments where I am overwhelmed.

Thanks for the response and being able to relate. I find it very strange that in the situation I just had this reasoning to just do what I needed to do. I am literally having more anxiety now and since the session than when I was actually there. I wonder if it because I am more aware of how everything works. I seem to be going through different possible challenges. I also seem to struggle with feeling like I need to know what to do in all different situations. I deep down know that we can't always be prepared for different things happening, but I just feel worried that I will make something worse. Since being there I have more ideas of challenges that may arise. I think I will just need to go through the same process as the past few weeks. To accept the anxiety and to not make decisions when I feel anxious or down. To experience the feelings, but not act on them. It is the only thing I can think of. Hopefully in time I can see that this is a step in the right direction.

Hi, Apologies for not really responding properly to the previous posts that others have made to help support me. I kind of tried to take it on board, yes at first I was feeling a little hurt, but afterwards I spent some time thinking. I had been in therapy, which was coming to an end and will hopefully be referred for CBT. Something kicked in a few weeks ago. I was able to see some patterns in my thinking and then made a choice to not act on them. I also think I realised that is ok to feel anxiety. So for the past few weeks I had made a decision that I would at least give the volunteer work a go. Today was my first session working with the children with extra needs. I spent a number of hours with them (I had support from an experienced volunteer), which involved holding their hand a lot of the time. I also shook the hands of some of other children too. I didn't wash my hands once and waited until I got home before eating. My original plan was to wear sports gloves to start with and then once familiar with the situation I would test out not wearing them. In the end I just had to go with it. I felt I had no option, but to just hold their hands without the gloves. I know part of me wants to feel pleased, I do feel I have achieved something, but for some reason I a bit down. I know some thoughts have creeped in. Like did I hold their hand too tight? What if I hurt them? just generally questioning how I dealt with situations that arose. It is hard not to have physical contact due to the situation. I was trying to assess how other volunteers were interacting with their child. There is also the worry about getting ill from the holding of hands, but I just have to deal with that. Sorry I know I should just accept the thoughts and just move forward. Is it normal to not feel good after doing something that is really good?

Point taken

I apologise for coming back again. I am really struggling right now. I made it to the induction training and managed to engage with the activities without getting too anxious. I have been feeling stressed since. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't see how I can fulfil the role as needed in both volunteer positions. Just to give an idea of one fear. In one of the roles I will be taking a vulnerable adult via public transport to a location, spend a number of hours supporting them there, then going back via public transport. I cannot leave them unattended due to their vulnerability. So I have struggled for 22 years with always needing to know where the toilet is, always using one right before leaving to travel anywhere. If say I use the toilet and then something holds me up from travelling straight away my anxiety gets bad and I cannot think straight, if around say family I lose my temper and so on. I am unsure how I can manage this whilst volunteering. When I have to get a bus or train I check times so don't miss it and get held up. I am always in a rush to get to places in the quickest time. I mean it isn't just that, whilst I am at the location I will need to use the toilet, but how can I do that without leaving the person unattended. In the induction I have hear examples of the young people running off or out of a building. Again this is worrying me. I struggle to leave my bag anywhere accept near to me. I keep thinking that when at the location I will have to put it somewhere out of sight. Then when out of sight I may have a situation where I have to leave the situation with the other person should they need some quiet time. I know this all sounds pathetic. That this shouldn't be anything to worry about. I just get so stressed over it. I also drink a set amount of drinks each day. If I do this volunteer position it will mean I cannot drink anything to near leaving to volunteer (in case of needing toilet), whilst at location and when travelling back. Which could mean 6 + hours without drinking. I was talking to a friend about the other volunteer role with children and they said that if I cannot hold the children's hand then maybe this role isn't for me. I am trying so hard to move forward, even starting thinking about things I would like to do (eg future goals). That with volunteer work I can possibly do some part-time work and then maybe visit friends/family. I am due to have support from a charity that supports people in to work, but I just feel it is impossible. I am fed up of living by so many rules and avoiding so many things. I am bored of doing the same day after day. I tell myself do the opposite of what my mind is telling me to do, but when it comes to it I just can't. I am scared of my mood getting really low and spending my days in bed, purely because I cannot do anything else anymore. Why can't I just change what I am doing. I understand that the problem is the importance I am putting on the thoughts and avoidance behaviours, but just can't work with it. Sorry if I am repeating myself, just starting to lose hope after having a few weeks of feeling more hopeful.

Thanks for your response and giving me some support. I am able to recognise that anxiety will come with doing these roles and that it is normal. I am just so worried I am going to lose it. I am scared that in the situation I won't be able to do what I need to. I also realise I need to face the anxiety and go along with what I need to do, but it just feels too much. I feel so torn, I want to move forward in life, but I am just so scared of certain things.

I'm in need of some support, perhaps just even some help to motivate me to stick with things. So at the moment I am waiting for my DBS to come through for my volunteer position. On top of that I also had an informal interview for another volunteer position. That went well and I recently had my first induction session, the second being this evening. These past few days I have had a lot of anxiety. My usual response is to pull out. When I had my first induction training I found out a little more about the role and I am panicking. I am worried that I am going to be too anxious for the role and to be honest I need to be the calm one when mentoring the young person. I need to be able to focus and support them. To help them become more independent. What I know so far I feel that I will constantly be anxious during my role. I am concerned that I am not suitable for this role. I am really worried. If I pull out of both I know it will cause a lot of tension with family. They are pleased that I am planning to these roles and get upset when I never see anything through. I get told I say the same year after year. I cannot deal with having to face that. It isn't through lack of trying. The anxiety just gets too much and I pull away. I just don't know what to do. If I pull out I know my mood will go down and I will start to feel hopeless. Which scares me majorly. Any thoughts or ideas how to stick with this and deal with the anxiety.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and giving your input on the situation. What you say makes perfect sense. It is like I am searching for 100% in knowing whether what I feel is genuine. I know deep down that this is not possible, we can never know anything for certain. I think this situation will work itself out. In the sense that I won't go over it over and over. I will take small steps and see what plays out.

Sorry to post again....I am struggling to understand whether my thoughts are normal and it is natural to feel this way. I don't really know who to discuss this with who would understand where I am coming from. It is related to my last post and the person I am close with. I don't know how much the everyday person will question their feelings towards another person. Like I mentioned before, I feel attracted to this person and enjoy spending my time with them, but when in their company I am questioning my feelings and are they genuine. I also find myself analysing them. It is like I am finding any reason that will show we wouldn't suit being in a relationship. This is where I am confused, because there are parts of this person's personality that are not attractive, yet I feel pulled towards them. I just can't seem to let it go. I saw my support worker not that long ago and mentioned about this said person staying over and my anxiety, but wasn't able to talk about obsessing over my feelings and are they genuine. What they did say though was that even though I get anxious I should repeat the scenario. That I need to face the anxieties more and this will make the anxiety drop. The more I avoid situation the worse my anxiety will be and I will become more restricted. It makes sense and I know deep down that I need to put myself in these situations. How does one just go with their gut instinct instead of questioning everything? Sorry to be a pain. It just feels easier to stay as friends.

Thank you for all the responses to my post and for giving my feedback on what I am doing. I guess I am failing to see that I am trying to face the anxiety and my fears. I know that I need to keep exposing myself to different situations that I would normally avoid. I can now see I am making small steps and it doesn't have to happen all at once. I guess I am struggling from all different angles. I get really confused. With the person I am close to, I am going back and fourth between trying to work out what I feel. So I am questioning if I really do like them. I wouldn't be surprised if this is just another way I am obsessing. So when I am not around them I want to spend time with them, but then when I am in their company I am questioning our interactions, asking myself if I really do find them attractive, questioning parts of their personality that is challenging and whether they are the right person. Then when we are apart I feel that I am attracted to them, want to spend time with them, want to share experiences together etc. I know that the physical closeness is a big issue. Sometimes I wonder if that wasn't there then things would be more easy to cope with. I am meant to be seeing them again soon and possibly they may stay over like before. Part of me feels I shouldn't give up, there is something that is pushing me towards them. Oh I don't know. With regards to this person understanding the situation. They also struggle with OCD in different ways. So we do both appreciate that there is anxiety for both of us. I am very open with them and can usually talk about anything. Again the issue is physical closeness. This person feels that if we were in a relationship that should include kissing and everything else otherwise it wouldn't be a relationship. See I can imagine holding their hand and would like to do that or being close whilst laying it bed. but when it comes to it I just cannot do it and have so much anxiety. It is so difficult to work out.

Apologies for posting again. On the back of doing my volunteer induction I felt that I should challenge myself and my fears. So I thought that maybe I should test out situations in which I will have anxiety around contamination. At the same time I wanted to try and spend more time with someone I feel close too. I don't know if I have done the right thing or I have made a mistake. So I decided to invite the person I am close to stay at mine for the night. We had spent the afternoon together and then came back to mine where I cooked us both dinner and then watched tv. They stayed the night before leaving the next morning. I constantly felt like I was on high alert, constantly worrying that they will be ill or they have a bug and I will catch it. When we went to sleep I couldn't help, but notice every move and noise they made. If they went to use the toilet I was always worried that they were ill. I definitely felt very anxious. I tried to just go along with it and tell myself that I need to face my fears. When I woke in the morning I felt a little less anxious. So now I am all over the place not knowing what to do next. This is both for volunteer work and spending more time with this person. With regards to the volunteer work I am worried that if I am struggling to cope in my own environment with someone I trust, how will I manage the volunteer role with the children. Then with regards to this person. I actually would like to spend more time together just like the other night. I want to explore us actual possibly being in a relationship. However I feel repulsed by any physical contact eg kissing/holding hands. I feel uneasy with anything relating to bodily functions. I just don't know how I am going get past this. It has just made me feel a little down about the whole situation. I mean it was actually really nice spending time together like we did, but there is just no physical contact at all. I feel so bad about myself and cannot understand why I feel so repulsed by all these things. I just don't know what to do on both fronts. I feel like I will just mess things up. I have been trying so much. Little small things like stroking a friends dog (I would usually avoid), going to bed out of my usual set times, eating dinner out of set times etc. But now I just feel like I cannot move past these difficulties. I know somewhere in me that I need to just keep challenging myself, but I can't help but feel I am going to be stuck like this. How will I ever find paid employment when I cannot touch certain things or be around others without constant anxiety. How will I ever have a relationship if I cannot have physical closeness. It isn't that I don't want physical closeness or intimacy. It is just I feel repulsed by it. I had been feeling a little more positive, but these past few days have thrown me. Has anyone experienced this major disgust at others with regards to touch, kissing, even looking at them physically (like hands/legs etc)? I am scared that when I volunteer a situation may arise where I feel repulsed and feel fearful to physical contact. On top of that I am aware of safeguarding practice when working with children and I am start to feel that I won't be able to have physical contact at all. (Years ago I had this problem with my nieces). From the induction I know we can have some contact. But that feels too much. I just don't know how to move on from this anymore.

The issue with contamination is with anyone not just children or children with special needs and is the fear is of getting ill. Last year I managed to volunteer for 8 weeks and this ironically also involved high fiving children. At the time I had lots of anxiety around doing this and handling things they had also touched. With that I attended each session, did what I needed to do and washed my hands after using the toilet at the end. So I wasn't going to any extremes, it was more the anxiety. I have been thinking more about this and realise I need to start challenging myself more. I know some of compulsions I do feel more hard to change. Like using tissue to lock doors and flush toilets when out or in someone else's home. I really don't want to pass up this opportunity. It isn't just the volunteer work. There is someone I am close to and a number of years ago they stayed over at mine. But my anxiety was so bad it only lasted two visits. They have been visiting more recently even though I find it very difficult. I want to spend more time with them and perhaps challenge my fears. They know all about my difficulties and are understanding. Again it is my fear of contamination that is holding me back from getting closer and spending more time together. I need to start testing things out.

Just after some help with anyone has some ideas. Since my last post I have made a few small changes. So for the past two days I have been able to eat my dinner later than I normally would. It hasn't felt that bad. I found that if I was occupied with something I was able to push the times a bit further. So now what I need help with. This is harder to work with. I mentioned that I was due to do some volunteer work. I attended the training and found out that the work will involve handshakes and high fives with the children. The person taking the training mentioned that handshakes and high fives with the children is very common during the sessions each week. Then in the induction we had to practice the technique used in doing this with the children. The children have extra needs, so this way of interacting is about safe physical contact. I managed to do the practice in the induction even though inside my anxiety was going crazy. Afterwards I had to sit with it knowing my hands had been touching another persons'. Sadly I didn't last long before washing my hands afterwards during the break. I know to really challenge myself I should have just sat with the anxiety and not washed my hands. I am really keen to do this volunteer role and have registered my interest to continue with the process. I have a few weeks before the sessions start. I need to work on my anxiety around contamination. Because I know when it comes to meeting the children my anxiety is going to go through the roof. Any ideas of what to do over the next few weeks?

Thanks, that is a good point. I guess I struggle with that one. I feel like I really need to change a lot. I spend a lot of time trying to keep myself sane. I fear the severe low moods. So always wish to be occupied. I go to bed really early every night, not because I am tired. But it is purely to get the day over with. I don't want too much thinking time or the opportunity to dwell on things. A goal I would love to try is to wake up without an alarm. I always set an alarm for a set time, which kicks off the routine for the rest of the day. I am just petrified that if I don't follow this routine I will go mad. I fear the anxiety will get too much and I will not function. The same goes for eating when I am hungry rather than eating at set times. I eat my lunch at 8:50am, which is just crazy. I wish I could just wake up when I am ready, eat breakfast, engage in activity and then eat lunch when I feel the need hunger wise. The few times I stretched the time I was able to eat lunch around 10:30am. But then fell back in to it. I very rarely feel hunger, probably because of eating to time. Writing this down I can see how restrictive it is. It is also embarrassing. Wow I need to try and figure out what changes I need to make and how to go about it.

Thank you for your response. I know what you are saying is the best way forward. Not that long ago I tried to step out of some of the rules. One was having to eat at certain times. For about a week I was able to change it up. Even though it was anxiety provoking, it was a big difference not having to watch the clock and have to get home to eat. However for some reason I went straight back to what I was doing before. I also managed to travel a bit further out of my area to meet family. I did it about four times, but then the anxiety overwhelmed me again. I am aware that I need to challenge myself more. I just don't know where to start. It is hard to imagine that I could get to a place where I don't have to follow certain rules. I have tried telling myself that if the worst happens, that this is ok and I will just have to deal with it. It is just the anxiety of it all I cannot deal with. I have printed out some CBT worksheets so will try and go through them to see if that helps.