jamie2011

Thank you dksea for taking the time to respond and give an example of how you have struggled with intrusive thoughts. I think I have definitely been questioning whether if it had to be like "what if..." and that is where I was getting confused. I can see how I am still getting the thoughts now just in a different way as you described above. Thanks for the support and letting me know it is ok to reach out. Something I struggle with. Probably made worse by the fact I constantly question my morals as person and a fear that I am not actually struggling with my mental health, but doing everything for attention. It is horrible to constantly question myself. Means I fear if I ask for help then I am going exactly the right way of getting attention and if feeds into my fear. So if I keep quiet then it stays with me. It has been harder to reach out in person to people like my support worker, but at least with the Samaritans I was able to express myself and really say how I felt.

Thank you each and everyone of you that has replied and offered your thoughts. That does make more sense to me now. I definitely do think everyday about the things I fear, it never leaves. It is a constant anxiety. That anxiety seems to be getting worse added in with the very low mood, which is just overwhelming. Thanks yes I have reached out to the Samaritans. I was in contact with them via email for a week, but have taken a step back because I had so much contact and felt bad about it.

Hi, I’m looking for some feedback. I am a bit confused about what is actually going on and what I am struggling with. I know no one can diagnose and I already have a diagnosis, but I am a bit confused about the symptom of intrusive thoughts. So I have been trying to understand if I actually have intrusive thoughts. I am not sure what it means to have them. I say this because I carry out certain compulsions daily and I know I do them because I fear getting ill/injured/death. It is almost like carry everything out, but don’t have thoughts that enter my mind. However my anxiety is severe and I feel awful most of the day. I am constantly anxious about illness/injury/death. My anxiety is so bad that I am struggling to manage with my restrictive life. Ironically my fear makes me suicidal. Yes my fears make me turn towards my biggest fear and just a week ago I acted on suicidal on thoughts. I have been referred for assessment for treatment for OCD, but I keep feeling that I am wasting their time and funding. If I am not getting intrusive thoughts, but only doing compulsions is there a possibility that this isn’t actually OCD? I just don’t understand the intrusive thoughts part clearly enough. The only time I can see where it effects me is when I question myself as a person. So when I am with others I get thoughts that lead me to question what I say and what I do and what that says about me as a person. I can recognise these thoughts disturb me and I then try and workout who I am as a person. Other than that I can’t really attach any intrusive thoughts to the other stuff. It just seems like a constant anxiety that I try to relieve through actions. Sorry for the length of this just wanted some feedback on what intrusive thoughts can look like when it doesn’t seem obvious.

Sorry to be back again and posting for some support. I have been reading responses to various posts and it has helped at times to see that with work changes can be made. However I am still finding it a struggle. I can see the patterns and have realised when I should hold back from making decisions, but still feel certain things and keep going over things. At the moment I am due for a volunteer session this weekend. I keep having the urge to cancel and quit volunteering. I keep questioning my ability to do the role. I watch how others interact and try to work out if I am as able as them. It seems whenever I see other people in person or even watching tv I compare myself to them. I question my ability to interact. I imagine volunteering and being paired with a child and not being able to support them. That I won't know what to say or do. I keep thinking if I pull out then the anxiety will go, but I also know if I pull out my mood will be affected more than it already has. I am trying to tell myself I need to challenge my beliefs. To face the situation. I am just fed up. I don't know how I can face this daily. Going back and fourth between wanting to pull out or deciding to stay with it. I hate that every time I interact with someone or see people (various forms) it makes me question my ability. Someone said to me "its better to do something and feel anxious/low than do nothing and feel anxious/low. I am trying to work with that thought, but it is a struggle. Not sure if anyone has advice how to deal with a constant questioning of ones ability to interact with others.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone with this. I have struggled with this difficulty for many years now. it can affect so many things. I can also appreciate everyone has different ways of trying to manage it. I guess what I did want to say is that CBT can help with this. Over 10 years ago I had CBT and we worked on my fear of needing the toilet when out and wetting myself. My therapist worked with me to challenge this fear. It wasn't easy, it involved drinking a large amount of water and then going on public transport to a location and doing some physical activity all without using a toilet. I then had to travel back to the office by myself and wait for my therapist to follow. My therapist did everything I did, they also drank the same amount of water and did all the exercises. Prior to the appointment all I knew was I needed to bring a travel pass with me. I guess if I had known what we were going to do I may have pulled out. So it was really thrown in at the deep end and trusting my therapist that they knew what they were doing. It didn't cure me of my anxiety around this fear and I still struggle with it, however it did improve my situation. At the time I was struggling to stay away from home for more than 15 mins before returning. Since then I have been able to stay out and travel to places. So CBT can help improve situations even if the fear still remains.

Thanks for the input. I can see how it can be easy to not see progress. I suppose it is sometimes a matter of wanting things to change quite quickly and that not being how it really works. I am trying to tell myself that small changes here and there will help. That all these changes will build up and gradually there will be an improvement. I am on medication, but not neither of them are considered useful in OCD. I am not receiving CBT as of yet. I have been referred to the Maudsley, so it is dependent on funding whether I can get assessed and receive CBT there. I have requested to be referred to the psychiatrist, but not sure whether that will happen or if it does how long I will wait. I am feeling quite desperate, I just feel overwhelmed with the constant fear. I am also struggling with constant analysing of my thoughts and actions. I think I mentioned before that I keep thinking if I have the assessment I will be found out that I don't have any problems. I am questioning if I am genuine. Am I making things out to be worse than they are. Surely I can just stop following all these routines and compulsions. Maybe I am just lazy and don't want to work. Maybe I don't really care about others and just want people to feel sorry for me. Do I do certain actions to get a response. It is endless and it is driving me mad. I feel like I must be an awful person. I remember being in group therapy once and if I spoke it was for attention and if I didn't speak it was for attention eg by being quiet it would draw attention. I just couldn't win. There is part of me that wants to pull out of the referral so I don't need to keep thinking this. But in all honestly I don't think that will stop it. I will still constantly question myself as person. I also know that my anxiety and fears don't just stop employment it also stops things that I might enjoy. It affects me spending time with people I care about. Because when I am with them I question my words I use, if I don't pay enough attention to them it means I don't care. I like sports and being active, but again it is hard to do these activities. I just need some relief from this. Am running out of ideas. Most days I don't know how I can get through another doing the exact same. I guess I just have to keep challenging myself and try and deal with the anxiety. I guess medication wise I may have to just try and request a change through my GP if I am unable to see the psychiatrist.

Thanks for the feedback. I would like to think that I can see that in this moment in time I can only do my best and work on things in my own time. I just have this belief that if I was in employment then I would be functioning and being a part of society. However I do realise that being in employment will not really be the answer to all my problems. I know that they don't just disappear and haven't every existed. just a quick question if anyone is able to feedback. I am trying to understand how I can manage the anxiety and fear a bit more. At the moment I feel overwhelmed with it, I cannot seem to move away from certain thoughts/triggers. So I am still trying to stick with the volunteering. I was due for some more training yesterday. Leading up to it I wanted to pull out because of the anxiety. I managed to use some skills I learnt in therapy and just told myself it was a positive to attend and will help in my role. So I decided to attend. On the way I felt a panic coming on, but dealt with it. I was pleased that I attended and am continuing with trying to move forward. Afterwards though I felt anxiety again. Then when I got home I had the TV on and there was something on that showed an injury to someone one. This set off a deep sense of fear about getting ill, injured or dying and my anxiety just increased. I had thoughts that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything to prevent something happening. How does one work on these kinds of fear all the time. It is on my mind all day and everyday, which does affect my mood. I know in life people get ill, injured and die and that people do worry about it too. I just cannot move away from it. If I read a newspaper or watch Tv it triggers me. Someone a relative knows is having treatment for cancer and I was told all the details. Again it brings me down. I just don't know how to deal with it. I am trying to sit with the anxiety and low mood, but I am just in so much fear. I am also meant to see family this week, but I am worried about the travel (fear of getting stuck somewhere), something bad happening (I have thought that one of them might get ill and needing to go hospital while I am there), fear of needing the toilet when there isn't one. I am just scared to go. I haven't seen them for over a year and feel guilty about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am unsure whether what I am doing is worth it anymore. Is it worth pushing myself to go through the anxiety. Because right now I don't feel any better for it. I am just finding everyday things are triggering anxiety, affecting my mood and generally just wanted to stay away from everything.

Hi dksea, thank you for your reply and giving your experience of when you have felt the same. It was helpful to get some thoughts on how to try and manage this situation. I guess there are many areas that I am struggling with. I have some plans for this week that involve being around others. I just have to stick with them because I know if I cancel I will have the whole day of nothing. With thinking about more volunteer work I am looking at it because it would help with future employment and it doesn't cost anything to volunteer. At the moment it is finding things to do that don't cost too much. Also I hold a terrible amount of guilt for not being in employment. My therapist was curious as to why I always mentioned that I needed to work. When I see people who are working (daily) and may not be in a job they enjoy yet they get up everyday and go in to provide for themselves or their family I really feel awful. My support worker previously mentioned how far they travel in to work. It just makes me realise that people have to do things that are not always perfect to survive. Then there is myself who cannot not cope with employment. I have worked previously mostly part-time. Whenever I have gone full-time I fall apart. With the volunteer work I feel I am giving something back. I have even thought about employment, but I think it may be a bit too soon. I can see what you mean about doing small things and other things except from volunteer work. About a month ago I used to have a daily walk around the park with a tea, but soon enough I had enough of it. Sometimes I can be home by 1pm and cannot face going out anymore. However today I did go for a 20 minute run and that has made me feel better. I have also briefly opened up to a relative about struggling to manage. Not in too much detail. Just enough to say I don't know what to do anymore. My support worker often talks about finding a balance and doing things that are part of your values. So I have been trying to do this where possible. I am just so scared of how far I will go if I continue to struggle. I have had times where I have been in bed all day and only get up to eat. I cannot go there again. I appreciate we all have up and down moments. I just fear the downs.

sorry to post again. I really don't know what to do. I just feel overwhelmed with different feelings mainly anxiety and low mood. I don't know how much more I can take of living like this. I am going crazy and just don't feel like doing anything. I am in a weird position. I know I need to be more occupied in activities. So I have been searching more volunteer roles. However I am also in a frame of mind where I feel like quitting what I am currently doing. I just feel triggered by things all the time, not just the volunteer work. I know I need to face the fears and go against my instinct to quit, but I am just struggling. I know it is short lived if I quit. That if I were to my mood will be affected even more. I just feel fearful all the time. I see danger in everything. I don't know how to help myself in this situation. I even took part in an activity that I normally enjoy and I just couldn't even find the effort to try. Sorry to moan I am just reaching a point where I just can't deal with how I feel.

Thank you both for the response. ChrisB, thanks for pointing out the error of thinking too much. That is a big problem I face, I constantly have thoughts that affect me. Not only with the contamination, but lots of other things. I am starting to see that the thinking may actually be more of a struggle than I had first realised. I struggle to realise when I am doing it because it has become so normal to me. I analyse everything, I question myself as a person and what my actions say about me. For example I struggle with thoughts that make me question if I really have any problems or am I making it up. When I ask for support from professionals am I just attention seeking. It makes it hard to really be open. There are certain thoughts that I have that I struggle to verbalise through fear that the above maybe true. I have been referred for an assessment for CBT, but I constantly question whether I am in need of it. Maybe they will find I am fine and don't need treatment. Even when I carry out compulsions I question whether I am doing it to make me look like I need help, when I could just stop it easy. Well that is my thought process. I am just in a position now where I can't keep living this way. I struggle with my moods and often struggle to find the motivation to even walk somewhere, I fear getting ill, injured or dying, yet living like this makes me feel like I don't want to be alive and often have suicidal thoughts. Which is weird because that is one of my biggest fears. I have spent a very long time doing the same thing day after day. I want to change that. It is just the anxiety and thinking that gets in the way. Everyday I wonder how much more I can take, that I don't feel I can manage one more day like the previous. I know I need to start changing more things and getting more occupied during the days. I look back at times and can see how much I have changed and what I have lost. I wish I could have that back. To be more flexible, to not fear so much, to actually feel like I am experiencing life. It is like I need to find myself again. Not sure what to do next really, again the physical aspect maybe easier than the mental.

Hi again, just an update really and hopefully some feedback on how to manage with anxiety. I have now attended three volunteer session so far. In all three sessions I have had lots of physical contact eg holding hands with the children. It seems whilst in the moment I can force myself to hold their hands. I kind of even force myself to do it, like I can be in a situation where I could hold back, but I do the opposite. An example is a child wanting me to shake hands with a fellow volunteer. There was no actual need to do it, but I took it as an opportunity to push through the anxieties. My problem is the anxiety beforehand and afterwards. So all week before the session I keep thinking of the worst case scenario. I think about all the things that can happen. All week I think of pulling out. That eventually something will happen. It stays that way until the day before the session and I just know I have to go. Then the anxiety again rises after the session. I go over all of the physical contact. An example is I do the session and afterwards we have to evaluate what went on and use our phones to do this. I do the session and don't wash my hands. So then I use my phone without washing my hands and have touched all over my bag. I don't wash my hands until I get home, but I know I have touched other things. I am trying to just ignore it and not keep washing my hands. Telling myself just to wash my hands with normal things like after using the toilet and before eating. I have tried telling myself it I get ill I get ill, but it doesn't really cut it. Will the anxiety ease to an extent where I can just do what I need to do and not spend days in fear? I know three sessions is still early, but I am worried something will trigger me at a session. I really don't want to pull out of this role.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and experience on medication. I just have to build up the courage to request an appointment. I am going to be referred for treatment at CADAT, but it is dependent on my GP agreeing to funding. So I don't know what the wait will be like and was wondering if a change in medication will help over that period. I wasn't sure whether to wait for the assessment or to act now. I would also hope it may help also with the low mood. Will think about my options.

Hi, I wanted to start this thread to discuss medication. I just need some thoughts on my situation. So over the years I have tried 6 different medications. The one I am currently on isn't actually used to help with OCD like some others I have been on. Prior to this I was on Sertraline. During my time on Sertraline I did things that I cannot believe I would ever imagine. Things that now I would struggle to do. I took part in lots of activities, travelled more (now I rarely go further than two local places), I started full time work in a higher position etc. Then I hit a really rough patch and my mental health was awful, I was engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms and acted on suicidal thoughts. After this my medication was changed to my current one and I have been on it for 3 years. I am not sure whether I should request an appointment with the psychiatrist to discuss options. Can medication actually help that much? If there isn't much impact then I would probably just stay as I am, but if there is a chance changing could help I would consider it. Another thing I am struggling with is comments from those close to me. I am actually feeling quite awful about this. So someone close to me has been showing me articles about medication being hard to get off and that when people try to come off they have awful side effects. But when this happens doctors think it is a relapse and puts the person back on the medication. So it is taking years for people to come off. I just get the impression that they don't feel I need the medication I am on. I have tried reducing at times and my mental health got worse. I just feel that this person feels I shouldn't be on medication. Believe me if I felt I could get by without anything I would. How does one managed being told these stories? It just makes me feel bad to be taking medication.

Thanks PolarBear, I know you are right. I had a major wobble yesterday. I felt overwhelmed and acted on it. I had contact with the volunteer coordinator saying I would need to pull out of the role. This didn't go well with my wellbeing. My mood completely crashed. I felt like turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms I had used in the past. I felt like I a failure and felt hopeless. I cancelled plans to meet with family and just felt I needed to be alone. Then today I had an email from one of the employees from the organisation and it kicked me in to gear. I decided to continue with the volunteer position. I have now signed up to more sessions and some more training for the role. I can see now that this isn't going to be always be a smooth transition. I just know that if I don't stick with it I may slip further and further down. If I want a future I need to make these steps. I am trying to think more positive, think about my strengths (a difficult one) and try and work with the anxiety. I think this will be a learning experience. Just need to not act in the moments where I am overwhelmed.

Thanks for the response and being able to relate. I find it very strange that in the situation I just had this reasoning to just do what I needed to do. I am literally having more anxiety now and since the session than when I was actually there. I wonder if it because I am more aware of how everything works. I seem to be going through different possible challenges. I also seem to struggle with feeling like I need to know what to do in all different situations. I deep down know that we can't always be prepared for different things happening, but I just feel worried that I will make something worse. Since being there I have more ideas of challenges that may arise. I think I will just need to go through the same process as the past few weeks. To accept the anxiety and to not make decisions when I feel anxious or down. To experience the feelings, but not act on them. It is the only thing I can think of. Hopefully in time I can see that this is a step in the right direction.