jamie2011

I think you make a good point about the understanding and support. I can relate to your regrets and I appreciate it can at times be difficult to look back on. Just yesterday I told someone how I have always wanted my own children, but think it will never happen. It was hard to explain to the other person how that feels. I think at times that understanding needs to come from ourselves. To recognise that there are ups and downs, that changes can happen and that we can adapt. Also not too put blame on ourselves. Take a step back at times. I hope that even though you have this regret you can have some compassion for how life has been.

Thank you all for the replies and comments. I appreciate it very much. Sorry for not responding sooner. I have still been making changes to what I would normally do, sadly my mindset in terms of mood hasn't adjusted with it. So haven't been feeling the best and have felt quite helpless. I don't know what else I can do anymore. I am pleased to have been challenging my fears and anxieties. I am pleased that I am still volunteering (I normally would have pulled out by now), I am pleased to have connected with some people even if is just general "morning" at the local pool. I know I have made a lot of changes, but I feel troubled. It isn't probably related to OCD and due to my past/present experiences, but it is hard to deal with when I am trying so hard to move on with my life. Feels like I will never feel ok. I've seen my GP twice today because of the nature of how bad I feel and have an appointment for a follow up with another professional in the team, which the GP helped arrange. I feel like I have no more answers of how to get to a place where I feel like I am functioning how I would like. Obviously the isolation doesn't help. Feeling like you don't matter in anyone's life or that you don't give anything to anyone. Sorry, I know its probably a bit off topic. Just needed to share how I was feeling.

I apologise if this post doesn't make much sense. I guess I am not even sure what I want from it. I am in a place where I have literally had to choose to fight rather than give up. This year has probably been one of the worst in terms of my mental health and how severe it has been. I know I could have come very close to being sectioned and it took for me spending time in A&E for many hours by myself thinking over everything. That yes I could give up completely or I could face things and really try my best to get through everything. I have had a lot of support from professionals and have been funded for CBT, although it will only be for 10 sessions. I had been told it would like be more, but I have to accept what is given. I have no idea when that therapy will start. I will be honest just over a week ago I sat telling my GP that I had wished I hadn't been referred for the CBT and for funding to be requested. I have read many of the OCD self-help books and last week printed out quite a few of the CBT worksheets to use as I challenge myself. I wondered if what I was doing was ok enough for now. I understand that both the cognitive and behavioural aspects need to be worked on to make changes, but I seem to have just found my own way of moving forward a little. I don't know if I will make things worse if I do things this way. Some feedback would be great if anyone has any ideas on this. I started off by writing things I would like to change. Followed this by things I would like to do or complete. Such things could be watch a film, go to a football match, read a minimum number of books, complete my studying, volunteer etc. These are things I have struggled to do due to mood, anxiety and having to stick to a set routing day after day.. The things I would like to change are the things I really struggle with. So having to eat at certain times, drinking at certain times, drinking a certain amount, times to sleep/wake up and many other things. I wrote up each thing I would like to change, for example, I have being eating my lunch before 9am every morning and have for quite a while. On my list I wrote - - Eat lunch at 9am - Eat lunch at 9:15am - Eat lunch at 9:30am I did this until around 12pm and each day I put a tally of when I ate lunch. I have done this with all of the things I would like to change. The end goal isn't to eat at set times (I know that is what I have listed above), but to eat when it is possible or most appropriate at that given time. I don't want to change one time for another, but for now I am just taking each day and seeing where I can push the boundaries. I am aware that there isn't much cognition with this, but my main motivation is at times looking back on things. In the sense that I can see I was able to function to a certain level before when I was younger even with the anxieties and fears. It has just got worse year after year and I have become more restricted and isolated in how I live my life. I have been surprised at how much I have challenged myself this past week to try and go with the momentum. I really hope I can stick with it, because the seriousness of how things got aren't out of my mind. I am also struggling with my emotional feelings this past week. I have had months of severe suicidal thoughts, intentions and attempts, but for the most part of this past week I have been free of it. It feels very strange to be in a frame of mind where I have chosen to fight back. I am not sure how to manage it. Part of my change in perspective included making changes to who I spend time with and who I interact with. Which means I don't have much in terms of people around me and it has been the professionals keeping me in a place where I can cope. Apologies again, I just wanted to share how I was feeling, because I don't have anyone physically to do this with. I know I need to find my way forward, but it would be nice to just have some interaction rather than keep it all in my head.

Hi BelAnna, Thank you for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. A lot of it makes sense. Dissociation was mentioned recently in terms of me shutting down completely. I am going through a tough time of late and have been opening up a lot more and being in situations that are quite provoking in terms of past trauma. I have realised a few things of late and am aware that I haven't dealt with certain things. I haven't been able to admit to being depressed, mostly because this is normal for me, but I probably have been struggling with things. I do tend to not have much contact with people due to circumstances and because it is hard to pretend to be fine all the time, but deep down I enjoy interaction with others. Perhaps I need to start finding ways of find a network of people I can do things with.

Apologies for not replying sooner. Been a really rough few weeks. I am under my local mental health team. I had an assessment with CADAT at the start of the year and am waiting to hear if funding is agreed. I just cannot see how things will change and I finally admitted this to the professional who I see. They were saying they are following up to see where CADAT are and I just told them I see no point. That I am the problem and can't be fixed. I have felt totally destroyed these past few weeks. Sometimes I feel I cannot fully express how I feel or the extent of my hopelessness. That I feel completely messed up. I feel like I am questioning everything about myself as who I am as a person and that I am not who I present. That I don't care about anyone, that I have no genuine feelings. I am finding it had to be around others when I feel like I have no genuine emotion and I wonder if I actually care if I never saw anyone again. Really has been soul destroying. I genuinely felt that I shouldn't have been referred to CADAT and that my OCD is much better. That they cannot help with my current problems. I just don't know if what I am struggling with right now is the OCD, because I keep coming back to that I am the problem. That I am not a nice person. I am very isolated in the sense that at the moment the only contact I am having is with professionals. I have tried to re-engage with volunteer work even though it has led to panic attacks and overwhelming emotions. I have done things that I would usually avoid and wouldn't have done 6 months ago. I guess I am just trying to find something that keeps me fighting, because I have felt so awful inside. I feel like my life has been destroyed and in that I have lost myself.

I apologise for posting, I haven't really been active on the boards for a while, but could use some feedback on how I can get a grip with things. So I felt I had been doing really well with challenging myself and addressing some of my need to things in a certain way to prevent the anxiety I was having. A lot of the things I was doing reduced greatly. I didn't feel I needed as much support from professionals. I was doing training for volunteer roles and exercising well. I was actually feeling quite hopeful. Then everything seem to come crashing down. I was suicidal and made an attempt to act on it. I knew then I had to reach back out to the professionals who support me. I have been a bit all over the place and ended up in A&E recently. In conversation with one of the professionals who I see, they mentioned 'severe OCD'. I wouldn't have considered this to be the case. I felt I had got past a lot of my compulsions, I guess the ones that are visible to the eye. I know it is common to feel that what one is struggling with isn't OCD and that I am just making everything up. One big problem I have is not knowing how genuine I am. I am replaying conversations over in my head, questioning why I say the things I do and is it for a certain reaction. The A&E incident happened not long after a session with my professional, where it had been a difficult session. I had shown a more vulnerable side. At times just unable to speak or look at them. I then beat myself up over doing this and questioned whether I did this for a response. I also discussed with them my anxiety that I fear people leaving/dying. That I would rather not be alive than experience that. I have never discussed this with anyone in person. Another thing I am struggling with, I have mentioned before is a constant stream of conversations or scenarios play out in my mind. I cannot seem to stop them, when they are there I end up swearing at myself because I hate myself for thinking these things. It is destroying me and I really don't know how I can move on from it. I don't know how to fully explain this. I don't even know how to write it down for myself to provide examples. I have conversations in my head about having conversations about the conversations. A few months ago I had a break from this, but now it is really bad. I started some volunteer work and I start questioning who I am and why I am doing it. If someone says I am doing well I start trying to figure out if I am doing the role because I want to help someone or because I want it to look like I care about others. So I am actively deceiving others in to thinking I am doing certain things because I genuinely want to do it. It can go on, questioning if I care about others or am I just a selfish person. If I tell someone I love them, is it genuine or do I just want them to think I care. Do I cancel meeting people because I am just lazy. I just don't know what to do. If I spend time with others I will spend hours replaying conversations or having thoughts that are almost like stories playing out. It is so bad, that I feel like I don't deserve support from the professionals. I feel like if they knew everything that went on in my head they would realise who I really am. I just don't know how to cope anymore. I guess I wondered if anyone had any advice on how I can recognise that what I am doing in my head is an obsession, compulsion or both. Because I really thought I was fine and wouldn't need CBT anymore. I am scared to really let out what goes on in my head because I will feel like I need to punish myself. I really don't like who I am. My days are spent trying to keep myself alive, there is no other purpose in them. I am sorry of this makes no sense. I just didn't know what else to do.

Apologies Hal for taking so long to reply. I have been meaning to sit down and do it, but it seems I have been distracted with one thing or another lately. Thanks for sharing how you have felt in the past and still do. I appreciate that we will all struggle with different things here and there at different times. It is impossible to never feel anxious at all. I hope you have managed to stick with some of the running. I think sometimes we have to change how we think about why we are doing things and what is important about it. When I was swimming a few weeks ago I got chatting to someone in my lane, just having a laugh about taking a breather in between lengths. He was a bit embarrassed about having to rest and I just said to him that doing some exercise is better than nothing. I also read somewhere that it is common to an individual to choose to do nothing at all than do something not at their usual level. The theory is the same. Is it better to do nothing at all or to do even one session a week. It might not match what we expect of ourselves, but by engaging with something will help. I decided to do something completely bonkers this week. So there is a local half-marathon coming up soon. I ran it the first year it started and every year since I have felt jealous of seeing people running each year. I was always reminded if not doing something that makes me feel good. So with my current running I have adopted a different thinking. Now I am slowing the pace down do increase the distance. I am not focusing on how quick I can do my run. I want to run for the health benefits. During a run I realised with this tactic I can attempt to do the half-marathon. I know I can increase my distance at a rate of 1 mile per week in time for the day of the run. I want to do it for the experience and to get back to what I was able to do going back. I haven't told anyone, I am going to quietly go about my weeks and then just go ahead with it. How would you feel if you set yourself a goal to work towards that may give you a purpose? I have three volunteer roles in motion. Two I have to do training and the third I am waiting for a start date. They involve visiting those who are socially isolated in the community. In total it would be 4 hours max a week volunteering. I have some plans for progressing, but will need therapy to hopefully help it more achievable. Future career options will require me to work in an environment where I will be around the things that I fear most. I am exposing myself here and there with things that I would usually avoid. I am reading books on subjects that also cause fear and anxiety. I have noticed that the more I am engaging with these things the less anxiety there is. I am trying to take on board what you have mentioned about riding things out. I am so not used to be in this position and it scares me. I was so shocked this morning. So for the last I don't know how many years the first thing I have to do when I wake up is drink a bottle of water. So this morning I get and as far as I know did what I normally would. I had breakfast, went for a run, came home and had a bottle of water. Then when I was eating lunch I noticed next to my bed was my bottle of water that I would have normally had first thing. It took me almost 5 hours to realise. I was so shocked that I had not even realised. I just hope I can just keep up with the progress.

Hi Hal, Thanks for your message. Apologies for not responding sooner. I know it makes sense to ease off a bit. I think I am just very fearful of letting myself not keeping a positive outlook. I am not constantly forcing myself to do things. I am just trying to make sure I do things a little differently. I think the anxiety will always be there to some degree, I just need to work out how to manage it without letting it take over. I managed to attend the event I planned to go to. I decided before going that I wouldn't stay the whole time, that I would leave a little earlier than when it finished so I wouldn't get too worried about getting home. It wasn't too bad, I was distracted a little, but more so because I couldn't quite believe I was there. I went by myself and spent a lot of time thinking about it all. I have been feeling a bit swept up in emotion at times, mostly when I find myself doing something that I would normally avoid. When I went swimming earlier in the week I made a step in taking the long sleeves off and just went bare armed. It felt so much better swimming like that. Hopefully I can keep that up. I know people might look, but I would rather feel comfortable whilst swimming. So now I am just focusing on trying to get involved in some volunteer work. It does cause moments of anxiety where I question my ability to do things and I notice at times I get this low mood that seems to just appear. I try to focus on the fact that I am not where I was a few months ago and I am trying to challenge the anxiety. Hopefully I get the funding for treatment and this can help with the areas I still struggle with. How are you anyway? Have you managed to fit any running in? It would have been nice when the weather was mild, seems to have got cold these past few days. I hope things have settled down for you since you last posted.

No need to apologise, I hope things settle soon for you and you are well otherwise. I think I came down with a virus or something, was pretty unwell for about a week. I wasn't functioning very well, so didn't even attempt to exercise, got to bed early and just tried to take it easy. Once I felt better I started up the exercise again. I haven't head anything with regards to treatment. Hopefully I will have an update soon. OCD wise I don't know whether I am coming or going. I feel like I am trying to make some more steps, but this past week have notice that my mood feels like it is starting to dip. Have been thinking about my past coping mechanisms like self-harm. I have been free from it for 9 months now and don't really need to do it, but it has just been in my mind a lot. I have been trying to wash my hands less often. So am trying to stay with the anxiety about what I may have touched. I was in the library the other day and the person next to me needed help on their computer and I just went straight in and used the computer they had been using to help them find what they needed. I know in the moment I was having thoughts about not wanting to touch it, but they needed help so I just went ahead with it. When I am swimming I have tried to repeat the numbers in my head that I would normally avoid through fear of something bad happening. I even read a book about a topic that fills me with fear (I didn't realise what it was fully about when I bought it). I actually think reading that book had an affect on my mood. I think it was because there was a constant flow of reminders of my fear. I still finished the book and just decided that there shouldn't be any harm in reading it. I just feel like the more steps I make to challenge things the more anxious I feel. It isn't so much the anxiety around bad things happening. It is almost like an anxiety around continuing with the steps. I have decided to go to a few different events, that will test me in so many different ways. Travelling, the time of the event, being around others etc. I need to do them, I want to do them. It just feels like I am getting stressed about trying to keep momentum going. I mean it feels great to not spend all day obsessively thinking about all that could go wrong and my head feels very clear at times. Sometimes I find I am not even thinking about anything. I have never experienced being in a place like that. I am just a little scared off not being able to move forward how I would like. I still feel I need some help (hopefully therapy) to get to a point where I am functioning how I would like.

Hi Hal, Apologies for not responding sooner. How are you? Have you managed to do some running? Glad to hear your liver has recovered to a normal level after the damage caused by the celiac disease. I completely understand that damage can be done. It is quite funny that you mentioned it, because I have been gluten free for 9 years now. It took me over 6 months from the change in diet to regain any weight that I had lost. The dietician I saw was adamant that if I continued to eat gluten there would be even more damage. I am still waiting for the scan at the moment. I really haven't been feeling well at all and I don't know how to keep functioning. I am still sticking to the exercise, but like this morning, went for a run and by 9am I was exhausted. I constantly feel cold. More cold than a few months back. I am just trying to keep going with my motivation to stick to my goals that I am working towards. Just a little unsettling because of how much I am struggling physically. I can only do my best, get enough sleep, do some exercise, eat healthy and have regular contact with others. Anyway I hope you are keeping well.

Thank you for your reply, apologies for not getting back sooner. It has been a bit up and down since I last posted. So there have been some good points. I had a really nice time the other day. I spent a few hours with my neighbour and her baby. I even managed to have a cup of tea with her. The baby was sick a few times and I didn't react at all. I held the baby a lot and held her hands. It was just such a change from my normal routine. I felt so grateful for my neighbour being so welcoming and letting me spend time with her baby. Later that night there was some anxiety about having held the baby's hands and being sick, but I just had to accept that I had already been in contact. I have still managed to stick with staying up later and doing the swimming/running. I have applied for some volunteer roles, so will just wait to hear back. I am going to try and focus on what I want to do or what I would feel comfortable doing rather worry about others. So the bad has been that I have physically felt really unwell and as time has gone on I am a little concerned that I may have some damage from the overdose before Christmas. Last week I felt really bad and had a blood test taken. Within a few days I found I had very low vitamin d levels and that I needed to take a loading dose followed by supplements permanently. On top of that I am having pain in my liver area. I had this same pain after the overdose. I am struggling physically. In the end I requested another appointment and now have to have an ultrasound on my liver. I have been told the vitamin d can take 3 months before getting back to normal. I am just trying to keep active and eat healthy. I went for a run this morning and by 9 am I was exhausted. I am just going to try and do a little bit here and there. It is just difficult because if I have done some damage I have to accept it is through my own doing. I have family who constantly remind me that over the years I have probably caused problems. I know they are right, because that wasn't the first time I had done what I had did. Maybe this last one was one step too far. For now it is a waiting game until I have the ultrasound. Anyway I hope you are keeping well? Did you manage to do any small runs?

Thanks for your message Hal, it has been a bit of a struggle these past few days. I have managed to stick with the changes of routine, not always going to the café, staying up later and still sticking with the swimming. I have just noticed a bit of some anxiety creeping in. Resulting in some small areas where I was engaging in certain rituals, but I know it won't be permanent. I am aware of it being there and know I need to continue with challenging it. On top of the anxiety is a dip in mood. I think I had a rush of feeling good after making some big steps. Being more open, trying to spend time around others and just being more active. Now I realise how much more I need to do to try and continue forward. I am currently going swimming three times a week, then hopefully add a few runs in. Other than that I am not doing much else. Well except from a lot of reading. I am not searching for things online or trying to get a definite answer to what is going on. I don't stay online long compared to before. I literally read the news online, check my email and search for volunteer roles. So all in all I am not occupying my time as much as I would like and for me to be able to maintain a healthy mindset. With regards to the volunteering I have used the website you mentioned before. At the moment I have enquired with one role, waiting for one to start (possibly after April) and applied for another. The problem is I have zero confidence in being able to do any role. It is so extreme that I could be given any role and I wouldn't feel able to do it. It isn't just volunteering it is also studying or employment. So now the mood has dipped and the anxiety is kicked in. I just feel like my ultimate goal is to be in employment and if I cannot even volunteer for a few hours how am I going to be able to go further. It doesn't help that I have no confidence and have then been given minimal support. In the sense that certain people around me like to make comments about me as a person. If I have mentioned working/volunteering with children I am told I don't have the patience to do that. If I have thought about something else I have been told "that isn't you" or asked how a role would affect me because of my mental health and the things I do to myself when I am at home. When I mentioned that when I am around children I feel alive and at ease with myself. To which I was told that this is only because I am in control, that if I was put with people my own age I wouldn't feel that. I just don't get a lot of positive feedback. I know I should stop even having the conversations with this person. To have some boundary between us (complicated). So now I just don't know where to go from here. Last night I just felt like there was no point in life anymore. I know I shouldn't focus on feeling that being employed would show that I am better. That because I don't work I am a failure. It is just very hard. I just struggle to see where I have gone wrong and why I cannot function in a way I would like. I feel guilt everyday that I am not working. I just wish things hadn't gone this way.

That sounds promising. I think it would be a good way of getting back in to it gently. I am sure if you go once you will get that feeling great again and who knows you may find it becomes regular. Yes it is strange to even think about being anxiety free. I have found myself in moments being surprised that I wasn't even thinking/worrying about what I normally would be. I had a great time with my nephew. We spent about 2 hours playing football. At first it was just the two of us until some other children wanted to play a game. I just thought to go with the flow. The kids were older than my nephew, but I thought it would just be good for his confidence to interact with different people. The whole day was just so nice. I couldn't sleep that night I got home because I was feeling so happy. It was also quite funny because when we went to the park I got my trainers out and a dog came over and ran off with one of my trainers in its mouth. I didn't even react, just stood there in surprise. Thankfully I got the trainer back albeit a bit wet. Looking back there were many parts of the day where I didn't obsess about things I normally would. All in all it went really well. I also went for a run at the weekend. This is the first run I have done in about a year. I didn't go for a distance, just aimed for 20 mins and took it easy. Now I am just trying to figure out how to get involved in some volunteer work. I am not sure what area I want to go in to and it is also bringing up a lot of anxiety. I know I have made some big steps and feel so happy about it, but it is now this step that is pulling me down a bit. I feel that doing some volunteer work will be beneficial, but struggling to work it all out.

Yes it definitely feels like spring will be here in no time. The change in seasons can often make a big difference to how one feels. Maybe if aren't busy you can start out with doing a parkrun on a Saturday morning just to gently ease in. Maybe doing that will get some motivation going to get back in to the running. Yes I am trying, I have noticed a big difference lately. My moods are the main problem and I can easily get overwhelmed. The anxiety has eased a great deal and I can assume that is because I am not engaging in ways I was before. There is part of me that wonders if I get the CBT, whether that will be what I need to just get to grips with all the bits that hang around. Obviously it isn't as straight forward as everything completely going, but I would be happy if it was just enough so that I can continue to make changes. I guess the are different areas that need working on and slowly I hope things will fall in to place. I have managed to go swimming twice this week and I must admit I was so happy with myself the first time I went. I couldn't actually quite believe I was swimming. It also meant that because I went swimming I then didn't go to the café in the morning or read the newspaper. So for a number of years now, I have always followed that routine and it is a big change to skip that. I guess it works well because to cover my swimming costs I cannot do that and the café/newspaper. So it makes more sense to go swimming. I have made arrangements to visit my nephew soon. I haven't seen him in over 7 months, but feel it is about time I spent some time with him. There is anxiety there (travelling out of my local area/having to engage in conversations), but I just have to remind myself that he won't understand why I haven't been to see him and he is looking forward to me coming. So I don't want to let him down. So right now it is just about trying to get a bit of a balance. I hope your week has been ok so far?

Hi Hal, Thank you for your message and support. I hope you are keeping well and enjoying this nice weather (that is if it is nice where you are). It has been a pretty tough week all in all. Not so much OCD related, more of the emotional stuff and thinking a lot about different things. I was glad I had reached out to my CPN, but it was tough allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable. When I feel things too much, the emotional pain and it is hard for me to feel like I can cope any longer. Which leads to thoughts about engaging in unhealthy acts. However I have done my best to fight through it. This week I was able to meet with my support worker and discuss why I had wanted to stop support. We discussed and decided to work as we go along. That they appreciate nothing goes in one straight line. There are ups and downs. They were pleased that I agreed to meet to explain what I had been thinking. I was also due to see my CPN and knew that I had to do something I hadn't done before. (mostly the things about getting attached and some other difficult subjects). So I wrote everything down and when I saw them gave it to them to read. It was anxiety provoking, but I think I felt now was the time to just bite the bullet as they say. I feel some relief now. That I have allowed myself to share some deeply held thoughts and beliefs. These are things I have carried with me for many years unable to tell anyone. I have also had my assessment to check my knee and have been referred to physiotherapy. There isn't anything serious wrong, but there is three different issues that could be making the knee pain when they are combined together. So I am free to try and start getting more active. I don't think I will go straight in to running, perhaps build myself up with something like swimming. I have also made contact with someone I previously did some work experience with and hope to try and get back involved. There will be things that need working on, but hope that this won't be too much of an issue. So even though I have been in some very difficult places and have felt like I couldn't take no more I have tried to just get through it. This is going to take some work. Hopefully by being more open with others can help me start to move forward little by little. I know if I don't continue to challenge myself the outcome could be very different. Thanks again for being there to support me, it really does mean a lot. Just knowing that someone is listening.