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TimeToStop

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  1. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Does it seem like ocd to you? I’m just scared that if I go through a therapy they’ll say I’m gay, sometimes I feel sure I am and I’m in denial, plus how can I get the cbt to work this time when so far it’s never worked? I can’t go more than a few days without the internet, I can’t seem to break it, it’s not right is there a chat function here?
  2. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    So me and my wife had a chat after not talking since Monday, she basically said it’s been going on week after week and she knows that if she’s ever out and I’m at home alone that I’m going to do it. She says it’s not normal and that we could go on for years like this but as a marriage it’s not right, my wife is Russian I forgot to add so there’s some cultural difficulty too basically the pressure to stop now is huge and I just don’t know if I can. Why do I do it if I regent it so much after, do I want to do it or is it something I’m forced to do? I tried to explain to my wife that I hate it but she said if I did that I wouldn’t do it, which then spikes my thoughts of “maybe I do like going on and talking to men? There’s a pattern of me waking up swearing I’ll never do it again. Then during the day I see sexual imagery, women etc and by the end of the day it’s as though I’ve justified it and I know I’m going to go online, stay up late, end up worried about my sexuality and marriage after being online and wake up after a couple of hours sleep repeating the same thing i just don’t know is this ends, at the minute I can only see one way
  3. Seems very similar to my post mrgarfirld94 I look at porn all the time with other men and get to a point where it’s hinted we want to be gay but I hate it and want to stop. Afterwards I always think that’s the last time I’m breaking the cycle and never doing it again. But within a day or a few hours I’m right back there and I don’t know why. It’s ruined my life and I just want to know for definite what I am, to have some clarity in some way so I can move on i don’t know tho, porn seems to lead to some weird things so maybe that’s what’s done it for you. I’d say leave off the porn but I know how hard that is, especially when you feel it’s what you want, how can that be a compulsion if you feel you want/need to do it..
  4. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Ah well, I’ve done well the last few days it I’ve had a day off today to get some stuff done. It meant I was home alone this afternoon and I knew the lure of the internet would be too much, it’s the only thing I do when I’m alone. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to, there was no choice My wife came back from work and within 10 minutes wasn’t talking to me, she straight out told me she knew I’d been masturbating and how every chance I get I do it. Can you imagine how that feels for her and for me hearing her say it made her feel rubbish i hate myself. Then I think why did I do it, I enjoyed it while I was on there, I got aroused and maamsturbated. If you hate it you wouldn’t feel that, right? Plus it wasn’t as though I was thinking let’s go check this or test that, I was alone and went on. i hate myself and I can’t continue to ruin other people’s lives, I don’t care about my own but I can’t string along my wife if I’m living a lie i dont know what to do now
  5. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Thanks again guys for all your replies. It just seems so strange that in order to get better I just have to force myself to be active, self care, no compulsions, when I think about doing that I think well what if it’s not ocd and I’m unhappy with my life? Then just doing the things like exercise etc won’t make me happy, I feel like I need to be sure before I commit to doing it also and sorry for the subject matter but how do I get over the anxiety around intimacy with my wife, it’s awkward to initiate and then im worried all the way though. Am I enjoying it, is it what I want, should I be feeling this way, what if i can’t stay aroused etc. I feel like I can try all the other stuff but if I can’t get over that then all the stuff is for nothing
  6. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Hi hal thanks again for your reply and what you say is really along the lines of what the therapists have said, strangely though i feel I can believe it more coming from you, as though I don’t really believe what the therapists say. in regards to moving away from the internet as I say the first therapist felt I should give myself permission to use the internet, he thought changing my thinking through the traditional cbt methods was the way to go I guess. the second mindfulness based therapist did feel internet was a problem and tried to get me to stop by restricting access to the internet, getting my wife to put a password on the laptop that I didn’t know. But I always found a way around it within a few days, as much as I didn’t want to I always ended up going back to it somehow he also asked me to do mindfulness meditation via the headspace app (10 mins a day) but I struggled to do more than a week before I gave up. I kept saying that it’s easy to do when you’re feeling positive but the minute you’re suffering it’s hard to ask someone to plan something pro active like meditating as you feel you have no hope. thats why he gave up on me in the end, I wasn’t doing the meditation and I couldn’t stop using the internet. He said that every week I went back with the same problems in different words and scenarios i understood his frustration but wasn’t it his responsibility to get me to do the things he was asking? If it was easy to do proactive things like self care, keeping busy, meditation etc then none of us would struggle at all and wouldn’t need therapy? one last thing, you haven’t really said whether you think it’s ocd and I feel like I need you to say? Does it match with what you read and see here? Although even if you say yes I’ll wonder if it’s just because I’m on an ocd forum and it’s biased your view if you did think so what type of ocd is it? I always look but can never see anything that meets my problems? thanks again and sorry for the long post!!
  7. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Hi Hal and thanks for your reply. it does seem that my therapists probably see it as a checking mechanism, but for me I can’t say I think “I am going to go on the internet and check what I’m attracted to” is it possible for it to be a checking compulsion without me consciously thinking It? in regards to the sharing it’s basically sharing porn images with other men, nothing illegal. We share images with the underlying knowledge that we are both matsurbating together, I.e homosexual undertones I guess. It could be checking, it’s almost like I feel worthless and not good enough for women and so I look at images with men and want to get my worth that way, it’s me in control. I have approached the nhs before but I’m always worried anyone knew will just say I’m gay and in denial and I don’t want that answer, I can understand why they’d say it but I don’t want it so it’s hard to go to anyone new even thought I’m married I haven’t had much sex in my life and I’m worried it’s evidence that I’m living a lie. I can’t have sex with women and use loads of porn and chat with men does it seem like ocd?
  8. Hi I am a 34 year old male who has been struggling since I was around 15-16 I'd say. I've always been an over thinker and just cannot control it. I've played football and seemed to use that as a way of obtaining approval from peers but going so far as to become obsessed with the football boots I'd buy (did they fit, were they the best they could be, were the affecting my performance?) Then I'd obsess about injuries I got, any kind of strain or pull I'd think would be the end of my ability to play. I'd spend money on sports therapy and help. Looking back I wonder if this was my way of trying to show myself as some sort of "professional", look at me I'm having to have therapy etc Another issue was I had/have a major issue with blushing on my face. I used to worry I was beetroot red all the time and that people were staring at me and making fun of me. At 17 I was prescribed a "foundation" to cover my blushing which I wore until I was about 27. The worry was not then "am i red?" but "can people tell I'm wearing make up?" which is not good as young male. Anyway, In all of this I also developed an internet porn addiction and chat room addiction. This has taken the form of sharing porn images with other men, mainly old men that we'd then "enjoy" together with the suggestion that we should enjoy them together. I never wanted to speak with openly gay men and if they said they were I would speak to them, and it always seemed/seems to be old men. I always say I am younger, i.e 18 years old even now so there seems to be something of a being taken advantage of aspect to this. This has become an addiction for me, I am married and have been for 5 years but am not intimate very often and I cannot get away from the internet. My worry is constantly "Am I gay?" I've worried continuously about it since I realised what I was doing with the internet around 18yo. When I'm out on the street women always catch my eye almost obsessively but I then worry that I can't satisfy them or wouldn't want to. I don't look at me when I'm out and think they're nice at all. In porn though I feel as though I've lost my attraction to women, I can look at image after image and not feel anything and then if a male is introduced I seem to become aroused and this scares me more. I look at the women again and try to force myself but I think, No you don't want that, you can't and don't want to satisfy a women. You don't want to be in control I have for about 10 years paid for private CBT therapy with 2 different therapists. Both seemed to fall onto the agreement that it was OCD. One didnt see the internet as a problem, rather a form of escapism but the other thought it was fueling my issues. Both tried different methods, one the usual cbt thinking, the second was more mindfulness. I must have spent thousands on them over the years but neither could help me and I don't think I've gone more than 2-3 weeks without the internet in my life, I'm addicted I need help, I need to believe it is OCD, if it is. My therapists got frustrated with me and have stopped seeing me and I no longer know where to go. It took ages to sign up here because I just let everything pass me by and somehow manage to hold down my job and marriage whist doing the bare minimum. I'm proud to have wrote this because I could be on porn now but I've finally managed to sign up here. I'm happy to discuss further but I just needed to type this out and get it out there, I need this all to stop
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