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TimeToStop

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  1. Hi all I’ve always been known as someone who overthinks firstly but also someone who always has something “wrong” with them, like a hypercondriach. I play football and I think I’ve used this as a way of building my esteem over the years so it’s a really important thing to me even though it’s only a hobby over the years I’ve always had some problems like Achilles issues, knee problems, groin etc. Each time I’ve always become incredibly depressed and feel it’s “all over” and I’ll never play again I’m 35 now and apparently have gout. I was diagnosed last year because of pain in my big toe. I became obsessed with it and then I noticed my second toes go inward toward my big toes too. Then I started to forget about it and lately felt better and started going to thr gym etc. Now all of a sudden yesterday morning I was walking and have a sharp pain in my second toe. I have sunk again and think as soon as I start to make progress this happens. I also think this is it, this is permanent and it’s never going to get better. I’ve been lying in bed all weekend not functioning because of it and worrying it won’t go away. I don’t know anymore what’s real, what’s a problem and how to deal with it all please help
  2. Thanks Hal I’m going to post a new topic shortly on a different matter but just wanted to say I’ve been doing well lately. Going the gym and sleeping has made me feel a lot better. Unfortunately I have physical problems which I’m worried might get me down too much to maintain this but that’s for the other thread. Thanks for your help with this
  3. Thank you so much for all of this, I notice thought that I use this as reassurance I’m a way, I come on and read the replies and feel better for short while but after nothing changes. it may not be the right place to ask but i wondered if anyone might have a way of “diffusing” a sexual thought of arises to stop it gaining pace throughout the day to wear my use becomes inevitable by evening? Triggers such as seeing a nice girl while we are out shopping etc tend to start it then it gets stronger and stronger I also wanted to say that one of the reasons I don’t tend to try to stop as much as I should is because the internet is probably the only place I’m happy and have no worries, when I think about giving that up it scares me as I have nothing without it? finally there’s definitely something about me seeing sex as power, a girl having choosing who she does such an intimate thing with, an arrogant man being able to have any girl he wants. There’s an abuse aspect as well, not in an illegal sense but taking advantage of a younger person, someone vulnerable etc. I just can’t get my head around sex, it’s like this thing that is so intimate but I can never work it out, who gets to do with who etc
  4. Hi can anyone add to this at all?
  5. Hal thanks for the reply, sorry it’s late. I knew you’d replied but decided not to read it until I felt more in control, as if I didn’t want to read it because I wasn’t ready to give up! and cookimonstet I agree I need a plan/structure, that’s actually the advice I was given by a therapist My problem is not knowing if it’s ocd or not? Then anxiety, then I just want the enjoyment/relief of the porn but then it’s coupled with guilt and worry about my sexuality after i guess I’m worried that I won’t stop because I’ll miss it too much and realise my life is boring without it and maybe it’s what I wanted after all?
  6. I’ve mentioned in a previous thread I have sexuality doubts and from about the age of 16 I’ve been using internet porn and chat rooms. I can’t remember how it started but I’ve done it for 20 years now, don’t think I’ve ever gone more than 2 weeks without it and always find a way to get back to it. I am crippled by it but feel no way to get away from i am married but my wife goes to bed early so I’m now in a pattern of going on when she goes to bed and spending up to 7 hours on there. I wake up each morning exhausted telling myself I’ll never do it again but as the day goes on i start to think maybe one more time. Then by the end of the day I know I’m going to do it and I’m just waiting for her to go to bed i think this pattern has now impacted my health badly since I lose so much sleep. And yet I still can’t stop. It involves sharing porn images with other men and then masturbating with them with the suggestion of it being gay. At the time I am aroused but afterward I hate myself I can’t understand why I do it. I always say I’m 18 even though I’m not and I think there’s something about me wanting to be abused or taken advantage of as though I’m still a child myself. My therapist thinks I use it as an escape from anxiety but that it’s also become a habit or addiction. It then makes me doubt my sexuality and sends me into a spiral of doubt and I have to email my therapist who has now decided to stop seeing me i just wanted to post as I know it’s going to happen again tonight and I just want to sleep and feel fresh and healthy again. I want early nights and feeing like I’m ready to go in the morning, not dragging myself to work having not done my hair or even bothered how I dress its going to kill me, either I’ll fall asleep on the road one day or I’ll develop an illness because of my lack of sleep, I don’t know how I survived this long when some nights now I don’t go to bed until 4 and I’m back up at 7. Thanks for reading if anyone can offer support please please do
  7. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    I’m with my wife now and had been feeling good as we’d had some intimacy that I felt was proper and went well. We only have foreplay right now. My wife is a virgin with some issues around penetration which has made it easy to avoid sex given my problems above however tonight I couldn’t become erect and now feel like it’s the end of the world. It feels like I have to be dominated to be excited, like I’m not the man. But this worries me and I feel best when I’m in control but I don’t feel like that enough im scared it’s all an act and really I should be with a man but honestly I can’t imagine that. The problem is it’s not a compulsion I can practice, it’s my married life and I’m 34 and want children. I can’t hide it and everytime we try to be intimate its another trigger
  8. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Sorry I havnt been on for a bit. Things haven’t gotten a bit worse lately and I just allowed it too. My wife is Russian and she’s been back in Russia for the last two weeks and I expected my porn use to get worse however it was the opposite and I didn’t have an urge to. I was instead looking forward to seeing my wife and didn’t want to use porn. Why then when she is back will I go back to normal, is it something to do with being stressed/feeling guilty when she is here because of my porn use and lack of sex? id like to think in that case it can improve. But I keep thinking I’m not happy because I havnt accepted I’m gay, In porn I feel like I am because I don’t react to the woman with groinal responses anymore and I chat with men. But when I’m outside I don’t look at men at all, but is it because I’m in denial? I want to believe I can get better but I don’t want to waste people’s lives anymore. I need it to end
  9. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Thanks Hal, I must say your advice is very similar to what I’ve been told but you explain it in a great way, do you ocd are you an expert in the field? I agree with what you say about the slip ups, I have to be careful not to go to easy on myself though as I’ll make it an excuse to do it again but so far so good
  10. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Really do appreciate the advice and over the last 10 days I’ve done better, early night and no internet there’s no intimacy with my wife though and it’s something I think I fear, how can that be? I’ve noticed when I look at girls when I’m out I get excited but it makes me think of going on the internet rather than wanting to have sex with them. I almost feel I can’t have sex with them, like I don’t have the urge. I don’t look at me at all but then I start to after and it seems like I become nervous/aroused thinking of their genitals why is there no urge to have sec with women despite looking at them? I actually said to my therapist once I had been watching the news about a rapist and it made me think why don’t I have that urge, so don’t have feeling like really penetrating just looking? It was a terrible thought but it was my way of explaining how I thought
  11. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Couple of things I haven’t spoke about yet. Firstly work, I find it has a way of keeping me in the cycle. Becomes I’m there 9-5 Monday to Friday it makes every day very similar. I want to eat better but work is not much fun and as soon as I get to work I find all of my good intentions go out the window because I almost give up. Every week I think of eating better, drinking water etc but I give up so easily because my thoughts make me feel it’s not worth it The I mentioned I played football. Possibly because of my eating etc I have put on weight and seemingly developed gout in my big toe. It’s a bit better but I means I don’t play football much. Apparently if I lost weight and drank water, eat healthily it may get better but whenever I try and play it feels bad so I’m resigned to it always being the same and me never being fully healthy again. That makes me feel really down and I eat even more unhealthy putting more weight on. I just feel so unhealthy and don’t think this is because of and adds to my ocd. I don’t know how to get out of it
  12. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Does it seem like ocd to you? I’m just scared that if I go through a therapy they’ll say I’m gay, sometimes I feel sure I am and I’m in denial, plus how can I get the cbt to work this time when so far it’s never worked? I can’t go more than a few days without the internet, I can’t seem to break it, it’s not right is there a chat function here?
  13. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    So me and my wife had a chat after not talking since Monday, she basically said it’s been going on week after week and she knows that if she’s ever out and I’m at home alone that I’m going to do it. She says it’s not normal and that we could go on for years like this but as a marriage it’s not right, my wife is Russian I forgot to add so there’s some cultural difficulty too basically the pressure to stop now is huge and I just don’t know if I can. Why do I do it if I regent it so much after, do I want to do it or is it something I’m forced to do? I tried to explain to my wife that I hate it but she said if I did that I wouldn’t do it, which then spikes my thoughts of “maybe I do like going on and talking to men? There’s a pattern of me waking up swearing I’ll never do it again. Then during the day I see sexual imagery, women etc and by the end of the day it’s as though I’ve justified it and I know I’m going to go online, stay up late, end up worried about my sexuality and marriage after being online and wake up after a couple of hours sleep repeating the same thing i just don’t know is this ends, at the minute I can only see one way
  14. Seems very similar to my post mrgarfirld94 I look at porn all the time with other men and get to a point where it’s hinted we want to be gay but I hate it and want to stop. Afterwards I always think that’s the last time I’m breaking the cycle and never doing it again. But within a day or a few hours I’m right back there and I don’t know why. It’s ruined my life and I just want to know for definite what I am, to have some clarity in some way so I can move on i don’t know tho, porn seems to lead to some weird things so maybe that’s what’s done it for you. I’d say leave off the porn but I know how hard that is, especially when you feel it’s what you want, how can that be a compulsion if you feel you want/need to do it..
  15. TimeToStop

    Needs to end

    Ah well, I’ve done well the last few days it I’ve had a day off today to get some stuff done. It meant I was home alone this afternoon and I knew the lure of the internet would be too much, it’s the only thing I do when I’m alone. I didn’t want to but I knew I had to, there was no choice My wife came back from work and within 10 minutes wasn’t talking to me, she straight out told me she knew I’d been masturbating and how every chance I get I do it. Can you imagine how that feels for her and for me hearing her say it made her feel rubbish i hate myself. Then I think why did I do it, I enjoyed it while I was on there, I got aroused and maamsturbated. If you hate it you wouldn’t feel that, right? Plus it wasn’t as though I was thinking let’s go check this or test that, I was alone and went on. i hate myself and I can’t continue to ruin other people’s lives, I don’t care about my own but I can’t string along my wife if I’m living a lie i dont know what to do now
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