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  1. Pranjali

    Length of the narration

    Hello everyone..thank you for your responses.. I am from India, pursuing my PhD currently. I have some great friends, supportive family and a cooperative fiancé. I would like to give a background to my narration: I) I had been to Europe on a mobility program for data collection. During January 2018, I had been to a couple of pubs with a female friend of mine, drinking and dancing. I had a few shots and then danced with a guy. The guy left and later I came back in the cab with my female friend. About 6 days later I went back on the night and wondered and now convinced that I did something with the guy I danced with and that ended up sleeping with that guy. I felt and kind of felt that I knew he chased our cab and I finally went with him in his can. I asked that female friend of mine what happened that night, I confessed to my fiancé and confided in my friends and family too. I kept crying. May be you may term this as confessions and Ruminating but then hiding it seemed so wrong. I have been convinced that I did sleep with the guy. I came back to India in February end. I was gripped with this feeling of wronging my fiancé and feeling unworthy of being in his life. My fiancé did not see anything strange between us for he said he did not care about that night and let's keep it behind. While my marriage has been on the cards, when I told my parents about wanting to punish myself by not being in his life (as much as it killed me from within even saying that), they flipped out. For me, it was right for me to punish myself and for my parents, it was wrong to punish my fiancé in this process and others involved. I must mention I have been dating my fiance for more than six years and my wedding is this December with him. I do not know if this sounds strange to you that I am saying this but I must admit since the beginning of our relationship, I have been indeed anxious if I'll end up marrying him because a certain astrologer had said that we may not work out. Somehow that has stayed in mind and always caused me to worry all the time. I wanted to make sure I bear the consequences of hurting my fiancé and only that would be right. II) In the month of July, one evening a couple of female friends wanted to have a drink or two, so I thought it's okay it has been while since I chilled with them and ended up having a drink. I got back to one of the friends' place to sleep over at and in the morning I was riddled if I went out at night with a colleague of mine. I asked my friend, who I explained I was with her and everything was okay. But that did not give me ease either. I ended up confessing to my fiance, a couple of friends and my parents again. My mom came and stayed with me for sometime as my university is not in the same town as my home town. She was with me for a long time. She wanted to be there emotionally with me. I was trying to put up a facade and immerse myself in work. It was not long lasting. That night always popped in my head, sometimes I kept to myself, sometimes I told mom who used to reassure me nothing happened that night in Europe. I till date feel deep down that I slept with the guy. III) Things kind got really serious for me when it felt difficult to interact in social situations. There were days when I used to feel scared of getting out of the house fearing that I will do something with someone and nor resist if something did something with me. I must mention I used to constantly update my fiancé or my close colleague about where I am, what I am doing and so on. I used to take pictures of where I was, to have a record that I was not doing anything with anyone. Then one afternoon when I was intimate with my fiancé, after sometime I felt he was forcing me to sleep with him (I confessed that as well to him knowing he would be hurt but I could not resist). He of course said nothing at all happened and do you actually think we would have sex without consent? I had no reply. I guess by then my friend and my fiance suggested I seek professional help. While for sometime, we were unsure if this needed medical help, we gave this a thought. I went back to my home town and met a woman psychiatrist. She has about 20-22 years of experience. I narrated all of this to her and she said it is a case of OCD. Honestly, it was a blow. I did not know much about the disorder. She put me on medication and said you will have to continue for sometime. I've had a few sessions with her and she has suggested some techiques too which I need to practice. IV) I almost do not touch alcohol now. The other day my female friends wanted to drink but I didn't drink but only accompanied them. After that we went to a pub to dance a bit. I was anxious, weary and unsure but I went to the pub. Towards the end, a guy friend came to say bye to me and hugged me tight and said bye. Perhaps I was not prepared or rather too desperate again, that my mouth was open and my teeth were on his chest. I came out being frozen again feeling that I bit him. The same cycle of guilt and unworthiness. Again I told my fiancé, parents and asked my female friends about that moment. My fiance laughed on it and my parents said do not accompany friends if it makes you uncomfortable. My friends opined that nothing of that sort happened and I kept insisting as I hugged him, I would know what happened and not them. In this background, I have following queries and would appreciate any honest insights on the same? 1) Is this even a case of OCD? If yes/no, how? This sounds like a compulsion but considering there are fellow colleagues who have gone through a lot themselves, may be able to guage this better 2) Isn't self punishment a way to deal with wrongdoings? If forgiveness is not a choice 3) I did cheat on my fiancé, I cannot get over it. How can this be OCD? This is more of reality and not just a thought. How is this an intrusive thought? 4) If you infer that this is OCD, (which I do not think so) then how can one deal with it using ERP? As this is real for me. The thing is my mind is convinced that I cheated on my fiancé. The phase of doubt is not there anymore. I am not sure how to put this but I am sure these instances happened. Sorry for the long post. Thank you for the patient reading and understanding. Maybe this post comes off as a compulsion, but no really I do have these above queries and would really appreciate your responses. I kindly request you to be objective and give me an honest view.
  2. Hello everyone, I wanted to know if there is any cap on the length of the post about my OCD on this forum? I had posted a few things in the past few weeks and got a few responses as well. But I just felt it is fragmented across different posts and I was weary to open up, apprehensive and worried about reactions. If the length of the post has a prescribed guideline, please let me know.
  3. Thank you for your suggestions. I will look for these books online. Thank you.
  4. Thank you for your responses all of you. I am trying to hold up everyday. The struggle is real.
  5. Hello..can you suggest best ooks on CBT for OCD and Anxiety which I can read as self help books? Thank you in advance for your support and advise.
  6. Hello everyone, slightly off the topic - can you suggest a few books on CBT for OCD and Anxiety which I can read as self help books? Thank you in advance for your support and advise.
  7. In the past few months, I was diagnosed as a case of OCD. For instances that seemed real to me and I felt sure of, were inferred as OCD by my psychiatrist. I have been on medication for the past two months. I used to have bouts before where I would just cry. I have been told I have OCD with sexual thoughts. For nine months I kept crying and going over an episode a zillion times in my head for I felt sure that I slept with a guy and cheated on my fiancé. A similar instance and then few instances where I would be scared to get out of the house because I was extremely worried I would do something with someone and therefore constantly update people about what I am doing, my whereabouts etc. Somehow that first instance was something I could not get over. Having all this, I visited the psychiatrist to realize that I have OCD with sexual thoughts. I have been visiting her and she is really understanding and patient with me. She is sure that it is OCD and she believes first instance was the start of the OCD. But what nags me now is what if it is not OCD? While I am sure I cheated on my fiancé, my psychiatrist is certain that these intrusive thoughts causing me anxiety. What if I don't have OCD and I have genuinely screwed and been a cheater? Someone may say I am doubting which is a characteristic of OCD, but no really what if I do not have OCD, is it a shield to shy away from the sins one commits?
  8. Pranjali

    I feel guilty

    Any suggestions on coping with guilt? Acceptance does not seem to come in and the feeling of punishment takes over. While my fiancé seems okay with everything, I have this nagging urge to punish myself; meaning I feel it is wrong to be with my fiancé given my desperate and disloyal behavior in the recent past. For years now I have been anxious thinking if I will end up marrying my fiancé. Of late I have started wondering was the anxiety also a part of my obsessive thoughts? - meaning I have thought often if my fiancé and I will work out. I really do want to get married to him. We really love each other and set to get married this December. But I feel sick about myself, I feel I do not deserve his niceness. There is a part of me which feels I should not be with him because I screwed up badly. As much as I know I need to be accepting of my own self, but this is something which does not float well with me. I do not wish to forgive myself. All this is where the problem lies. I feel guilty and the lack of willingness to love myself and not punish myself.
  9. Pranjali

    I feel guilty

    Thank you @gingerbreadgirl, yes it is tough. It feels like a lie to your self; something like reassurance saying to yourself that it is OCD. I have read vageuly about CBT and ERP. In this case, how does one make use of ERP? Also, I do not know if it is related to my recent past or the medication I am on or the lingering anxiety in me, but I find it difficult now to get intimate with my fiancé. I have been seeing him for more than 6 years and we are to get married in this December. He has been really supportive through this phase but I seem to get trapped further on this maze. As much as I feel guilty of having cheated on him in the recent past, I have started to feel equally guilty about not being able to be the same which I was for so long (or a year back). I am afraid I sound like I am cribbing about too many things on this forum but I feel really sick about myself for a lot of reasons. I used to cry a lot after I returned from Europe early this year; buckets probably; but medication helped keep a bit of tab on the bouts. Yes I understand medication and also CBT and ERP work better together, not just medication probably, but I cannot take that plunge. As much I feel better that I am not the only one in this world, but it feels like I will never get out of here. The feeling of being a cheater and disloyal to my fiancé grips me too much to think anything beyond.
  10. Pranjali

    I feel guilty

    Because I have been diagnosed to have OCD, now it feels like an excuse to blame the beliefs and feelings on OCD. While the first instance in Europe was diagnosed as the start of OCD by the psychiatrist, now again I cannot make peace with the last one. It just feels like I am taking OCD's shield to protect myself. I do not know how to proceed. Like I said I have told my fiancé and asked my friends; as this seems like seeking assurance and as this seems like we are seeing the instance in the OCD prism, largely this inference makes me feel like I am using OCD as an alibi to say I did not cheat on my fiancé. I am beginning to be a mess again and this time it feels worse because I was not intoxicated in the last instance I think. Maybe I have repeated a lot of my narration in this post, but I have seriously started to get back to that anxious pensive guilty state which felt like an eternity in the past 10 months.
  11. Pranjali

    I feel guilty

    I am sure I am not the first one to pose this question - but really how do you differentiate between intrusive OCD thought and reality? I have read some literature online, which sometimes does make me wonder if it is an OCD thought or most of the times there is convinction and a strong sense of belief that I did mess up.
  12. Pranjali

    I feel guilty

    Thanks a lot once again. I will try it is extremely difficult to live through that anxiety. Will try.
  13. Pranjali

    I feel guilty

    Having read a few articles, I feel even more confused and nervous now of asking my friends or going back on the night. I am comvinced that I did do something and I did bite the guy..how many ever times I think of those nights or even ask my friends, I feel like I am ruminating or seeking reassurance. But then there is a huge part of me which feels, I need to be punished because I cheated on my fiancé. It is a cycle; I cannot keep away from thinking about it nor can I think over it. I feel trapped.