Pranjali

Hello everyone, I had managed to keep myself away from the discussions as I was trying to cope on my own. But I feel I come back to square one and each time it happens that there is a strong voice in my head saying it is not OCD but rather your cowardice making you unable to face your wrongs. I was told I have OCD with sexual obsessions a few months back, after medication the intensity of the thoughts had simmered down. But little did I know, this disorder does not leave you. And this time around I just know I screwed up. I was going to a restaurant for lunch with my friends, my friends got out and I was parking my car. There was a car parked to my car, where the driver was waiting in the car. I feel he and I did something, I have had images and feelings of extreme disgust and cheating on my husband. I told this to my husband, who showed no reaction for he probably does not see this as cheating. I asked a friend of mine too who was one of the friends who got out of the car, and she said nothing like that happened. I feel something happened in between the time my friends got out of the car and while/after I parked my car. It has been hours and the thought seems to be consuming quite a bit of my attention. I know the phase of zoning out in middle of conversations because instances engulf you and you are not unable to be in the present. This time, this is real for me! I am a loser!

Hello everyone, I am back. Thanks @dksea for those words, have been trying to implement certain strategies but last two days specially today just feels impossible. I am in that rut of my thoughts and feelings taking hold of me and leaving me with nothing but only repeated going back on those instances. What triggered is, I had accompanied a friend of mine to smoke (I do not smoke, she wanted to), I saw this beer bottle lying near the place where we were. And all I know now is I drank from the bottle. The last few times OCD has overpowered, the trigger had been alcohol (or was it inferred) so I had decided to stay away from it. In the past few months when I had confided in my parents about my thoughts, they had strictly warned me off from touching alcohol because it only causes stress and triggers the entire rut all over again. Going back to this particular instance, I spoke to this friend of mine - she is like you did not even touch that bottle and sounded extremely certain about it. I am convinced I drank from that bottle. I do not know why I feel guilty, before OCD was in picture I used to drink, but having gone through the ordeal my folks advised me against it sternly for my good of course, I know if I tell them this they will disown me. I feel sick and overwhelmed with guilt. I am not sure this time around 'how to stop ruminating' because all I can think of this instance and a multiple instances of the recent past when things have gone bad specially with OCD being in picture! As always, it almost feels like you falter and you have OCD to blame and your mind wants to get away by labeling it as OCD. This is not OCD, this is my stupidity. I cannot frame my thoughts but I feel like I am back to square one. This disorder (if it is still in play in this case, which I doubt) seems to be a constant endless struggle.

Hello there..I am back again..Not sure if people on this thread remember me anymore..that person with OCD who believed self punishment is the way to compensate for your sins. Anyway just to give an update of the past three months almost, I was doing okay. Tried to immerse myself in work..got married to my fainace..reduced medication..distracted myself with work..but then.. yesterday I do not know why..I ended up going back to that very instance in Europe..not that I was trying to solve that puzzle.. because I realized again a part of me does not feel like it is a puzzle and believes that I screwed up. Those thoughts of self punishment, emotions of guilt and feeling of being good for nothing began to surface yet again. As much as I thought or would like to feel that it was momentary, Everytime I got up from sleep I woke up with a lurch in my stomach, that slight churn which I am familiar with..Back then it was intense, now it has started to crop up..and slowly my mind seems to have started thinking of that instance, the following phase and so on more than it should. I am scared.

I agree! This forum has been a great help keeping oneself at bay! Days when everything is falling apart and you are wondering if it is OCD, as compulsive as this may seem, but the insights from this group sort of help you sometimes

@St Mike thanks a lot for your reassuring words. Yeah some days are really tough, let's see. Thanks again for hopeful and kind words.

Thank you @St Mike and @dksea. I really appreciate your detailed well explained replies, not to say that it is reassuring because it would sound like a compulsion. But after reading all your replies, there is a sense of relief and solace that I am not alone. People on this forum have it worse may be. But having said that I must also mention that after sometime I switch back to that OCD spiral again. Last two days have been particularly bad for me. Not that I was doing any great before that. But there was at least some tab on the extent of rumination, I give that to my medication more than my thought process. But last two days I have slipped back. Slipped back miserably to have started ruminating. Today morning I broke down hopelessly because everything seemed so bleak, your mind set when you get gripped by the thoughts and there is no way you can get out. I am still ruminating and have self punishing thoughts, which I am tired about. But then they still scare me. If I see this entire scenario from the fence and keeping your and psychiatrist's views in mind, I kind of feel my obsession has been my thoughts whether I will end up with my fiance settling down with him. I think this has been my obsession for it is one of the causes of the anxiety. And now that I look back, I realize may be this has been on my mind for years, this is one thought if I start to think has given me immense anxiety. (And the difference was I had not spent hours thinking about this thought, but then it always has made me anxious. @St Mike and one of the reasons could be the astrologer saying certain things which I wish I had not heard or was shared with me). To reflect further, my compulsions have been ruminating and self punishment to prove that I am not a bad soul and for all the wrongdoings I have been a part of, I deserve suffering which could help me make myself a better person; but then I know it is going to hurt everyone around me. I am not sure if I can share this on this forum, with some level of trust and anonymity I choose to; my psychiatrists in the one of her first sessions had opined that mine was a case of OCD with sexual thoughts. And I am not sure again if to say this here, but I was abused as a child during my school days for a few months. Sometimes I feel I enjoyed it, sometimes I feel let it happen. I was not sure I guess what was happening to me then. I had confided in my mom and we had kept the entire issue behind. When I started dating my fiance, I told him this and he was of course understanding about it. In the past few years, that issue did not surface as such. I had kept it aside/blocked it. My psychiatrist feels that the Europe episode was the start of my OCD and it has some roots in the childhood instance. I am unable to fathom how, because for years in between it did not affect me. This year has been one of fearing men, fearing to go close to a man and talk and so on. And now the height is I am anxious about being intimate with my fiance, which was not the case for so long. I am aghast and stumped as to how can a childhood instance surface out of the blue and it has some bearing on the disorder I have today. I feel guilty that my fiance has to go through this suddenly for no fault of his. Is CBT the way forward? Is this kind of sexual anxiety related to OCD? If yes, is this treatable? Any suggestions on how I can make things better my fiance and me (in terms of intimacy). I am weary to share all this with people otherwise and my psychiatrist said take it slow. But the thing is the idea of taking it slow, makes me ruminate. May be it is subconscious that I remember the images from my past but they did not stem in the years! Why now? I feel really guilty of making my fiance suffer in this. He has been patient for almost a year and I still cannot grapple this. I really want to get a grip on this anxiety - of two sorts - one about the future with my fiance and two of the sexual intrusive thoughts. I want to cry! Looking forward to your reply. Thank you.

Hi..sorry to barge in this conversation..I have similar anxieties. It is driving me nuts and I feel supremely guilty for making my partner go through this. This is something I cannot share with people and I have told my partner about my OCD. I have received mixed responses with ERP on this thread, if is the best way to go forward or taking slow and with time. I have had these self loathing thoughts for a while and this just makes it 10 times worse. Any suggestions?

Sorry for not reverting earlier. I was reflecting on what you said for a couple of days and for some odd I had different set of worries for 2 days each. Last week, my fiance's grandmom passed away and I felt guilty that it was due to me. Because I had been asking for self punishment, God decided to give it this way where his family is grieving. Post that, I had similar thoughts about his grandfather and I freaked out feeling I am wishing the same for the grandfather. If that was not enough to consume my mind, today I have woken up with this feeling of being inadequate of making my fiancé happily physically in terms of intimacy. I feel inadequate and suddenly this sense that he would not be happy. Over the last few days I realized something. That is I love my fiance to bits and my biggest biggest anxiety is to lose him. For years I have seen a future with him. And as the wedding is planned in less than 15 days, I have this nagging fear of if this will go well, if we would work out and so on. Adding to this anxiety, is remembering the astrologer who said years back that I might have a long relationship but it might not work. And when both these sets of anxieties come together, I cannot function. I cannot think straight. I know I have been harping about similar things over weeks and it might have started to seem as a repetition. But then I go and dwell on basics sometimes. Starting with if this is even OCD or just an excuse? And if yes it is, can someone have different themes spread out across days? Like I said if I dig deeper, I guess my biggest anxiety stems from the thought of not being able to be with my fiance. The anxiety stems from the thought of losing him and me being responsible for anything hurtful. And if I were to be honest, as much as I have wanted to marry my fiancé, I have quite anxious about this for years now. But then what does not make sense to me is that if that nagging thought makes me anxious (obsessions), where are my compulsions in the instances I have narrated over weeks here? Self punishment and rumination I suppose? Or these are only my obsessions? Do O and C both feature in OCD or it can be only obsessions? But then my thoughts about punishment have been real for me which could be put under the bracket of compulsions. I feel lost. Or is just that we are putting a blanket on this entire issue to avoid facing the issues? I am tired of this. My psychiatrist has told me, people on this forum have pointed out that this is a case of OCD. But then I am fed up. I am going to be looking into CBT with self help books. Everyday gave something to worry about, something that gets me down and name everything as OCD makes me feel timid. If it was not for Polarbear, I do not know how I would have survived through this. I feel small because this post again feels like I am ruminating.

@dksea the friend (C) I shared it with did not breathe a word about this I am sure. So A and B know about this. So this was the last argument on which those two fought and after almost a year when my friend (A) asked me I had said yes I had told him friend (C) who did not share it with anyone. A and B had had their own share of fights before that too but after that this particular argument, B ended this. (A and B did not name this as relationship either as such as they wanted to keep it low key) My fiance and close friend are saying it is not your fault because this would have happened anyway, you didn't have a role to play. Because A and B back then too did not know about this that C knows and I have told C. They broke regardless of that, is what they are saying. But this feels like an excuse to cover my wrongs. I feel guilty to be happy with someone because I still feel I was the cause for it. But if someone asks me how, I do not have a logical explanation. I feel hopeless.

@taurean thanks for the suggestions. But I am struggling. Why and how I can be kind and forgiving towards myself, when I hurt someone and broke their relationship? Shouldn't be punished for doing wrong to someone? For me, mindfulness seems as a short term help honestly. It is not being sustainable for me and I go back to feeling miserable. You may say keep trying, but really instances keep piling and I really lose the urge to persist because the instances which surface are actually real for me.

@St Mike thanks for your advise. Yes, I have reduced my alcohol consumption because I am actually pretty scared. I mean I am capable of having a drink with a friend and thinking and believing multiple scenarios post that. Mindfulness, yes. But there is a part of which brings me back to feeling pathetic and the chain never stops. I am not sure if you read about the instance I shared on this thread which makes me guilty. Then my idea of self punishment of being away from my fiancé follows because I don't deserve to be having after spoiling someone's relationship. For me to believe that could be OCD feels like an excuse. It is difficult for me. I am tired of this

Thank you @dksea for your response. But I am really struggling at this moment. I tried to distract myself with work. Perhaps steadily my friend and I might start talking usual with some filters of course. But the guilt that I ended their relationship makes me want to punish myself that I expressed, and that idea of self punishment freezes me. But I feel wrong if I am happy with my fiancé after being so terrible with someone. Though in the beginning I was trying to justify myself to my friend, but after that I have apologized a number of times and I am ready to right now as well. But if she is ready to put that behind or rather I would say she is taking time to be normal with with because this is something, she would not forget, it is killing me. I am not able to make peace with the fact that it was me who was responsible for their break up. I told my fiancé too about this and he opined like the way you did. He was like you should not have let it out, but it is okay what is done is done. I am feeling feeling pathetic. And the minute I think about 1) me being the spoiler in their relationship 2) moving away from fiancé , both the points make my stomach churn. Almost a year back I was in the same state, I am back to square one. I cannot see the way you are seeing it. This is so real for me and my proposed response is so reasonable for me. I feel sick.

@dksea thank you for such a detailed explanation. It takes a lot to empathize and actually make someone understand. Thanks once again, really. And now as much as I am trying to hold my grip (which sometimes I feel is more of result of medication and not may be my effort), I am riddled with another worry. And unlike so many other posts, this one does which I am going to narrate does not seem to under OCD and if it all does, then I cannot fathom how. To tell you the gist, I have already spoken a lot about punishment, me feeling like a cheater, me feeling like not a nice soul and so on. And as luck would have it, the feelings kind of strengthened today evening where I felt guilty and like criminal again. A friend of mine (A), who was seeing someone (B), had confided in me about their relationship, assuming and trusting that I would not breathe a word. It so happened that I happened to speak about their relationship to a close friend (C) of mine who is fairly close to my friend too. I hope we are on the same page - my friend, her partner and my close friend. And unfortunately my friend and her partner broke up a few months back and one of the reasons which they had fought over was if I would have shared it with my close friend (C) as B (friend's partner) wanted to keep the relationship private. A and B knew my close friend C to an extent. I had never told my friend (A) about this until now because this detail was redundant according to me for her to know. Today, out of the blue, she threw this question at me- if C asked me about it or if I told him. My face gave it away and she was visibly hurt. Though my close friend (C) has not breathed a word about this to anyone, then it dawned on me that this entire issue was one of the major reasons of their break up. And as much as no one is to blame in this, the only person who messed up is me. I broke her trust, I was a reason for their break up in a way though my close friend (C) has revealed nothing and it just suddenly occurred to my friend (A) to ask me. Now I am back to feeling miserable. This nagging thought which is surfacing that says if I played a role in their relationship, I should be punished and not be with my fiancé because I do not deserve it after spoiling their relationship. I feel sick yet again, guilty this time of spoiling someone's life when I know my friend (A) still likes her ex. This, does not seem like an OCD textbook case. I mean this is how everyone would feel right. My idea of self punishment scares me and makes me extremely anxious. Thank you for your inputs. @dksea @St Mike and everyone else as well for their understanding, means a lot.

This is so well put @dksea. Hmm thanks for the motivation but trying, trying at the moment. I am anxious about my wedding , I have always dreamt of marrying him and I have felt anxious about thinking what future holds. And the anxiety has been aggravated by this instance of Europe which has been diagnosed as OCD. There are times when letting go off particular thoughts feels guilty. Yea I won't repeat guess everyone has their issues and we can only fight it out. Thank you.