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dfflyer

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  1. Also, I had a terrible scare last night. I was getting ready for bed and heard a persistent faint noise that I couldn't identify. Immediately started freaking out thinking that my nightmare was coming true and I was having an auditory hallucination. I searched frantically inside and outside my apartment trying to find the source of the noise and eventually found my roommate's iPad was left on in his room playing music at a low level. This brought some momentary relief. But then I thought what if I was visually hallucinating the iPad as well? Immediately started freaking out again took a shower and went to bed. I couldn't shake the feeling that I must have schizophrenia or that there's something else terribly wrong with me and I'm losing my mind. Luckily I was able to fall asleep rather quickly and I'm calmer this morning, but now I'm scared I'll become an insomniac and my one sure escape from all this (sleep) will be taken away from me too. I don't know what to do.
  2. I would assume the child ate the cake. I'm not sure I understand the analogy, however? In my case, is it obvious that the child at the cake (I have OCD), but I keep on insisting its a magical dragon (some undiagnosed terrible mental condition)?
  3. I can relate to that very much. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully one day I will be able to "accept the ambiguity" too. In the meantime I think I'm going crazy. I'm just waiting for the day my proper mental diagnosis is made and I'm given a laundry list of severe psychotic disorders. Or maybe my diagnosis is one of one, something new and untreatable. Or maybe the universe is conspiring against me and I'll be subject to eternal torture? Who knows.
  4. The problem is I don't know what the root cause of my thinking is. I don't know anything anymore. I'm overcome with perpetual uncertainty that permeates every aspect of my life down to the core of my very existence. Every thought that pops into my head or every idea someone communicates to me is processed by engaging in an endless stream of questions about the idea's validity. This stream of questions never ends. Even the most widely accepted and benign of ideas such as "sunsets are beautiful" is met with unending scrutiny. What is beauty? What determines a things value? How do we know it's beautiful? What if sunsets aren't beautiful? How can I trust my senses? What if we could see all wavelengths of the electromagnetic spectrum? What is consciousness? Where did the sun come from? The big bang? Sure. But what was before that? Can time only exist if matter exists? So can we even speak in terms "before the big bang"? The questions never end. And I'm left with nothing but uncertainty, fear, and depression. This is just one example of many. I have also had some harm-OCD and P-OCD fears, but those didn't seem to be as severe or recurrent as others I've read about and I can't identify any correlating compulsions. This makes me think they're not actually OCD thoughts, and thus I'm more likely to actually to turn out to be some kind of monster in the future if I'm not already. Anyways. I'm probably making all of this up or exaggerating it so that I don't have to face the reality my fears may be true.
  5. I recently experienced some bad anxiety and depression and had to see a psychologist for the first time in my life. It's been a month and a half since my breakdown. I've actually seen two psychologists over this period of time. Both say that OCD is an underlying cause of my depression and anxiety, but I think they're wrong. How can I know if I have OCD? Part of me thinks that I may be, consciously or subconsciously, leading the doctors on so that they come to the false diagnosis of OCD. An OCD diagnosis would provide me some relief of my greater fear that I have some kind of psychotic disorder or that I'm losing my mind. Part of me also thinks that me reaching out on this forum is an attempt to affirm an OCD diagnosis - one that I unfortunately fear is false. Therefore leaving no scapegoat for my anxiety, depression, fears of psychotic disorders, and unceasing existential questioning and angst. So how do I know what's really wrong with me?
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