Mel98

Happy holidays to you too im gonna try..... its just that.... im afraid that i will feel okay after a year... and then i will attempt to date... and then ocd will return... and then i will creep out the woman im dating with my confessions and so on.....

That made me laugh

I will try :/

I just came home from uni.... i passed the exam I didnt thought rumination was a compulsion.... i thought the goal was to suffer the pain of rumination without confessing in order to make ocd weak.... i will think about this.

I tried not confessing for half a year and ocd spike returned :/ I started to feel good but then my ocd spiked again.... idk what happened... every time a woman compliments me i get ocd spike.... first thing i hear in my mind when a woman compliments me is "if only she knew what you did"

I want to be proud of myself.... and i dont know how to do that after i did what i did...

50% of my family were in psych ward at one point in their lives.... almost every single person in my family has mental issues... I just feel like im destined to ruin my life... and i feel like i already did it by masturbating to what i masturbated to....

I know that this is ocd..... but i just feel like.... i dont know... like i deserve this.... Im not a bad person..... my sexual fantasies are about me being hurt.... i have no fantasies about me hurting other.. im not a sadist.... I hate people that abuse others... I just feel so much hate for myself.... i hate that i did what i did.... i cant change what i did.... its out of character for me... I want this pain to end.. somehow... idk.... tonight is dreadful. I feel like i dont even want to wake up tommorow... I feel like i live for people around me.... parents are happy... they brag to everyone how their son is in university and is a musician... but i think that im rotten to the core... that deep inside im a monster. I feel like i deserve death. But i dont want to kill myself because i dont want to hurt people that love me. Im attracted to adult women, i even feel really attracted to women of older age.... Im just so confused....unsure. I remember when i heard a guy in middle school brag about how he was able to make out with a girl when she was pass out drunk.... thats rape... and i feel like people like him should be the ones that should hate and feel disgusted with themselves. Yet he gave no ***** about what he did. And here i am hating my life and considering suicide because of some tv news report i masturbated to when i was a teen.......

Well i feel ******* horrible tonight.... i just cant help it but to think that it will stain my whole life... Some things are not forgivable... if someone tortured and killed 4 people for fun..... i dont think he could be forgiven... What i did was depraved and i cant help myself but to think that a line that was really crossed..... I really ******* hate the teenage me.... Tonight i should study... but im just shaking in my room and hell is rising inside of me.... im just so disgusted with myself

Yes :/ .... when ocd latches onto something i cant decided how bad it was.....

Hey... i remember you from my older posts.... my nickname was Melkoroth if i remember correctly... It really ******* sucks that ocd is eating our lives.... the quest to find the ultimate answer to how bad was the thing we did....

Im trying that for more than a year..... this ocd guilt is stronger than ever... I feel like ocd is intelligent.... every time i felt guilt i just confessed to my mom/friends and so on... but now my guilts become embarrasing....cant really confess to people about **** i masturbated to... its creepy and weird. OCD found a way to make confessions harder and harder.

I know that what i did was bad..... i havent done anything illegal but it was sexually unhealthy. I can tell you for sure that i would never do a thing like that again..... Its just that.... it haunts me....

I know... its just that... with ocd i cant really see how the thing i did is forgivable....

Well i failed the exam.... only needed 0,75 more of a point to pass :/ ... my classmates failed too but they will repeat it in January.... Professor told me that my case was a really close call so she let me visit her on Friday and do the test kind of unofficially .