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vivi_x

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    germs and ruminations

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK

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  1. This is something I’ve always found really difficult. I’ve had CBT 5 times and talking therapy twice, and each and every time it has made me worse. So disclaimer, I recently got diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and was told that because of that CBT is far less likely to work on me and I’d probably need a modified form of CBT because of how rigid the Autism makes my brain and how the ADHD makes my brain do what I can only describe as the zoomies That aside, I have always found that all CBT does is make me think about the intrusive thoughts when I’m trying to not think about them. Exercises like the A or B approach or the anxiety equation are exactly how my OCD manifests, in that any cause for anxiety is automatic reason for maximum anxiety. I do think that sometimes thinking my way out of the OCD logically can help me, but usually in terms of ‘this worst case scenario isn’t the end of the world’ but obviously that isn’t universal and doesn’t work for all thoughts or all people. Another method I have found useful is the bully idea, the bully is saying nasty things to you and engaging (even if you’re just saying ‘that’s not true leave me alone’) will only fuel their fire and let them know they’re getting to you. The best way to deal with a bully is to act like you don’t care what they’ve said or why. But that can be draining and hard so I get it’s not for everyone. I also think it could be linked to who is providing the CBT and their experience and knowledge of OCD. I think it’s obvious that CBT should be used differently depending on whether you’re treating GAD, depression, OCD etc. but a lot of providers have the same approach regardless of who and what they’re treating, and I think one of the main reasons for this is probably underfunded NHS counselling services who are instructed to work from worksheets and don’t always have the experience or opportunity to adapt how they are treating people. Not to say that is their fault at all, just that it’s my experience, and honestly you can’t blame them with the way they are overworked, understaffed and underpaid, they’re usually counselling students just doing their best, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t confusing and harmful for someone who doesn’t understand what they’re doing wrong. My most vivid memory of CBT is going in and filling out the OCD questionnaire that they use to track whether you’re improving, the counsellor saw it distressed me to have to label how often each thing bothered me (you know the one where they put ‘I have thoughts that I am unclean’ or ‘I wash my hands more than I should’ and you have to say sometimes, most of the time, or all the time). She would apologise but say that they had to do it for their statistics tracking which is understandable but I think shows how inflexible they are able to be. My score only ever got worse. The last time I was doing CBT it made me much much worse, and I had just started ERP when covid hit so they were suddenly unable to tell us to do any of the exposure, which to my mind just wholeheartedly confirmed all of my fears, which in combination with the bombardment of don’t touch things and wash your hands posters that were being put up everywhere, probably made that my worst CBT experience. I have found it helpful to read ‘CBT for OCD’ books, as I think they are more targeted and explain the theories in depth which helps for me at least, where as sometimes when you’re doing it with someone in counselling they expect you to just accept the method and go with it without explaining why it’s meant to work (but hey that’s probably the autism). Either way, I don’t entirely think it’s pessimistic to not understand why or how or even if it’s working, because sometimes things just don’t work for everyone, we’re human not machines. But maybe tweaking things like finding a counsellor that fits for you or explaining that a particular method doesn’t work for you, or seeing if you can approach something differently might work. i don’t think it’s cut and dry, again, we’re people not machines and we’re all different but we’re all just trying to get better. I think snowbear has some great points in how to get it to work for people like us. I guess my point is, don’t be too hard on yourself, it can take time to find what works for you, but it’s important to keep trying. I’m still trying to find what works for me and if I do I’ll make sure to share it with you all
  2. I’m exhausted. I thought I was getting better, I was doing all the right things, I even felt better for a little while. But then something happens, and it’s like a slap in the face. I stopped some of the compulsions and now it seems as though the result of that is bad things happening. i just don’t see an end to it. I try to get help but I’m told I’m not bad enough. I’m told I have to try more drugs even though I get sever side effects from everything the put me on. The last one had me having panic attacks multiple times a day every day. nobody I talk to understands it. They say I just need to stop or I just need to try harder and it could be so much worse. It honestly doesn’t feel like it could get much worse. i wish I had people that got it. That knew I was trying. mostly I just wish it would stop and I could be normal I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I’m just so exhausted I don’t know where else to go for help.
  3. I was tested 3 weeks ago and everything was negative, but it would be too soon to test for it as I would have to wait 8 weeks for the incubation period for it to show on a test. I’m unable to move or do anything because of the fear I have right now. I thought I was getting better and now I’m right back where I started, afraid of everyone and everything. I just don’t know how to live like this anymore.
  4. I’m in a state of shock my boyfriend has just had an inconclusive HIV test result. He needs to be retested so we have to wait for the kit to arrive and then the time it takes to process the bloods. what am I meant to do. It’s what the intrusive thoughts said would happen. I let my guard down. I don’t know how to cope. I would appreciate any help
  5. Hi all, I feel a little silly writing this one, but it’s confusing me. I know people say the only way you’ll ever get better is to find a way to do it for yourself, and I agree with that, but I’m wondering if it is then inherently bad to want to get better because someone in your life makes you want to be better, for them and for yourself, and helps you to do that? Today I ignored a lot of compulsions and avoidance, did stuff that I never thought I’d be able to do, just because I felt able to and felt like I wanted to try because of my boyfriend. He never pushes me and he goes along with my compulsions and he’s very supportive and I guess it just made me feel comfortable enough to try. But I’m wondering if it’s going to backfire on me because I’m not doing it only for me. bit of a long winded one, I’d appreciate any advice, or any stories anyone has to share on the subject. vi x
  6. It never really has, I’ve been through cbt 5 times now and been on 3 different drugs and it just feels like no matter how hard I try or how strictly I follow the instructions people give me Its never good enough I’ve had a bunch of tests and theyve never found anything, I’m now being tested for adhd as well but I don’t know what will happen with that it’s just really lonely and I don’t know anyone with ocd and I’ve got no one to talk to about it that doesn’t just look at me like I’m crazy
  7. I’m having a lot of trouble at the moment, I’ll think I’m doing well and Then the thoughts will get 10x worse again. I’ll spend ages stopping myself from doin by a compulsion, I’ll work on not doing it for days and weeks until one day I just can’t hold out any longer. So I do the compulsion but the thoughts remain and it’s just like a circle of never being free of it. I don’t know how much more I can do than fight each compulsion for weeks at a time. I bare the thoughts and I tell myself it’s not real and there’s nothing to be scared of but there’s only so much I can do. I have no one who really understands it. My mum just says I need to learn cope better. I can’t explain it to my friends why I have an overwhelming urge to do a pregnancy test every day or why I can’t wear my outside clothes in the house. it’s so lonely in my head, and honestly, it’s getting the best of me right now. I just don’t want to feel like a freak for the rest of my life. I think I just need a hand. vi x
  8. It’s definitely a hard thing to talk about and explain, especially when you’re already nervous because you’re being recorded, I think I worry because I’m not sure where the line is where they would think I’m actually a risk to myself and have to report it if that makes sense Thank you I’ll look that up! It’s really hard changing gp especially when I just found one I liked who didn’t seem to just brush me off as not that bad but hopefully it works out thank you guys for taking the time to reply xx
  9. Hi guys, so I just got a new gp and during my appointment she asked about suicidal thoughts, and I did my best to explain that sometimes I get them as intrusive thoughts but I think she misunderstood this and now thinks I have actual suicidal thoughts, and then when I tried to re explain I couldn’t figure out how to word it and said something like ‘it’s not me thinking it’ meaning the ocd but I don’t think she got that either so now I’m also worried she thinks I’m crazy and delusional. I’m really worried now that I could loose my job if someone thinks I’m not stable enough to be doing it (I work in a high pressure environment) and on top of all that she asked to record it for training and I said yes but that’s freaked me Since the call. I really don’t know how to deal with this situation any advice? vi
  10. I was taught in cbt to try and logic away the thoughts, to try and prove them wrong, and I’m not sure how to just leave them alone? why was I taught that way if it’s wrong?
  11. Hi everyone, ive been struggling lately with the irrationality of my obsessions. For example, i have a fear of pregnancy obsession. even though it is completely irrational to think that I could get pregnant because I’m always safe, the thought sticks anyway. I try to push it away with logic, but then I just end up spending hours going over the reasons it’s irrational, whilst never really moving past the thought or being able to let it go. I think what I’m trying to say is this disorder is feeling really hard to manage or control at this point, even when I try to use my cbt techniques I just end up ruminating longer because of them. It’s honestly just exhausting. I just want to be happy but at this point I don’t know how. does anyone have any advice? I’m probably just being stupid but I have no one who I can explain all this to and no one who understands how it all works and it’s hard not to feel alone with it all. vi x
  12. Thank you for your reply! He really was very good about it, I’m not sure why I panicked so bad, I suppose I’m not used to someone reacting that way and it confused my intrusive thoughts? it’s really nice to have a place like this to come when I need support but also to have someone in the real world to support me too. Vi x
  13. He doesn’t have ocd but he isn’t neurotypical so I guess that helps with the understanding? and honestly I’ve dated people with ocd before and we’ve only made each other worse because we just adopted each other’s obsessions I will have a look at the attachment theory thing though, thank you! vi x
  14. thank you guys for your replies they were really helpful and encouraging! Honestly he was really the most supportive person I’ve ever met while it was happening, he was caring and patient and just wanted to help, and the more I explained the more encouragement he’d give me that I was doing okay, I guess I’m just so used to trying not to put my problems onto others and keep it all a secret that when someone did everything I needed I wasn’t sure how to react. I’ve talked to him a little about it now and said if he has any questions I’ll do my best to answer them and he just said that communication is really important and he’s glad I trust him enough to express it to him. I suppose I just have to ignore my ocd telling me he’s going to end up hating me because of it and trust in the communication? its all a bit new and scary Vi x
  15. Hi guys, I was hoping for some advice. Yesterday my ocd was the worst it’s been in a really long time, I’m talking meltdown and panic attack and screaming and crying, you know the drill. Except normally where I manage to cope on my own and hide it, this happened in front of my boyfriend, of only a few months, and honestly I’m so embarrassed and ashamed and I’m pretty sure I sounded absolutely crazy talking about voices in my head, voices that scared even me last night they were so vivid, and horrible intrusive thoughts. I’ve never really talked to a partner about my ocd before but I was blurting things out left right and centre and it’s scary having said so much about it. I guess what I’m wondering is do I just pretend it didn’t happen and keep trying to hide it from now on? Or do I have to have the massive conversation about it? Has anyone else had this feeling when a partner finally found out the extent of their ocd? vi x
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