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helloocd

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  1. ... once on started to expose yourself to the thing that feel contaminated by tought? An event in my life made me expose myself to a LOT of obsessions since yesterday. I watched a movie that was one of the worst obsession that I had to face and surprisingly, it was much less difficult that I tought. I even put an image of the movie as a wallpaper on my computer to willingly contaminate everything I'll do on the internet. So, my question is, if I expose myself to this daily, how long can it take so that my brain stop to associate this movie to my obsessive tought?
  2. Thank you I think that my OCD is using the fact that I only had 1 answer as a proof that I'm a deviant.. if people would not think that I'm a deviant pervert then they would have replied to me.. I'm not sure what to think about it..
  3. Hello, first, english is not my first language, so I hope I'll be somewhat understandable. I'm somewhat depressed right now and I think that I have nothing to lose to write this post... It's really hard to me because one of my obsession involve contaminating thing with my tought, so, writing this message will contaminate this forum and my email adress, but I'm really desesperate so, it's somehow a motivation... I had a very mild case of OCD since I'm 7 or 8 years old, but it suddenly became really severe 3 years ago, to the point where I could not make meal by myself, I became barely able to walk, reading, writing, washing myself, every single thing that I did triggered obsession and I had to do compulsion to find a few second of relieve. Even when I was just lying down (honestly it was the only thing I was able to do..) I was consumed by mental compulsion in response to my obsession. My mother quickly found a therapist who did his Ph. D about OCD, so he was somewhat knowlageable about it... we worked wit CBT and despite taking a long time before I saw result, after 2 years of hard work I recovered a lot autonomy. I became able to walk, read, write, brushing my teeth without making my gum bleed, making my own meal, etc.. So, I could say that my OCD went from very severe to moderate.. most of my physical and mental compulsion are gone.. the only type of compulsion that stayed is avoidance. Despite seeing my therapist regularly I have not been able to make progress on this, we worked on the cognitive side a lot but it is just too hard. I stopped to see him because after several months I saw no more result.. This is where I'll talk about the root of my obsession. It's gonna be hard but I have to do it. I'm 26 now and OCD took me everything, I had to drop out university because of it, and I became completely socially isolated. My obsession is about a thing that I did when I was 16-17 years old.. I'll go straight to the point: I accidently came across a video that involved a women having sex with a dog... It made me excited and I masturbated while watching this. In the months that followed I remember that I did it a second time, intentionnally this time... I watched the video a third time during this period, but the third time I did not masturbate, I judged that it was maybe not a good idea, so I stopped.... The next 5 years nothing happened.. I questionned myself a bit about this event and what it meant about my sexuality but thats all. I was not torturing myself about it and my life continued just like nothing happened. In my head I was just a young heterosexual men who got excited by a weird thing when I was younger. I had a little relapse when I was 22, I remembered being excited by that when I was younger so I found a video of this kind, but it did not make me really excited so I did not masturbate this time and I closed the video after a few second... the months that followed this event my ocd became out of control, but I don't think that it was that event that triggered my ocd... a few month before my ocd became severe, I developped an auto-immune disease, so I'm pretty sure is somewhat related given the fact that people with ocd have some part of the brain that are inflamed.. anyway... I worked on the cognitive side of it, trying to have a more realistic view on those events, to see them as the insignifiant event that they are... I know that we come from a culture with a long history of religious repression who made sexuality a really taboo subject. They made us believe that sex was only for conception and anything that came out of those very restrictive norm was unacceptable. I know that sexuality is more complicated than that. I remember a study done at my university that explored what people sexually fantasized about. I remember that a lot of them fantasized regularly about coerce other people to have sex with them.. that's illegal but they still fantasize regularly about this. I also remember a 10-15% of people fantasized about peeing on someone... and the study only talked about the thing that people regularly fantasized about. If there was a study that talked about things that people thought only once or twice in the past while masturbating, I'm pretty sure that a lot of weird things would show up... Despite those facts, I feel soiled, disgusting, deviant (despite the fact that I don't objectively meet the psyciatric criteria to say that I have a sexual deviance..)... and I know that a feeling is not a proof, but it's hard. The way that my ocd act is by contaminating the things that have been in relation with what I did in the past. So, there is a huge area of my town that feel contaminated because I lived in this area when I did what I did in the past. The object that I owned during this period, the neighbour that I had, the school I went, some subject I was interested in, some word that my ocd find a way to relate to, the internet browser I used in the past... and the list is long... I know what I have to do, but it's hard, partly because I'm at a point where my ocd do not torture me every second of my life. When my ocd started, it was so insane that I only wanted to die, so I had nothing to lose by taking the risk to stop compulsion... but now, ocd do not torture me every second of my life, it make my life unpleasant, unsatisfying, I'm a bit depressed, but it's not pure hell... so, it's hard to motivate myself to fight my last obsessions, the risk I take by not avoiding do not seem as much worth it if I compare to when my ocd started. But I know that if I do nothing I'll just stay there not moving with my life and not living the dream that I have and I'll probably just finish my life completely depressed and maybe killing myself. When I think about the past 3 years that my ocd took me, I feel really bad.. I don't want to finish my twentys by not achieving the project that I wanted to... So, I post this to face an obsession, but also to find some motivation to face my last obsessions... and if some people have more realistic view to share to me about what I did in he past, you're more than welcome. Thank you.
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