Hi everyone, I'm a 17 year old who cannot cope with the thoughts inside my head. It's a daily struggle and has completely taken over all parts of my life. I used to be a very good footballer who played for professional teams however I cannot continue playing despite how much I used to enjoy it. This is because my thoughts simply will not allow me to, it's like I'm not even there physically I'm just on autopilot doing anything whilst unbearable intrusive and racing thoughts flood my mind. I'm on the pitch and I feel like going off crying at times. I'm in England and currently in College. It's next to impossible to concentrate in class and has manifested into poor exam results as well as teacher concern for lack of effort. I'm unable to speak to girls I'm attracted to because all my effort goes into coping with my torturous thoughts. I've lost interest in my old hobbies such as history, boxing, football, politics and gaming.
I've had OCD tendencies for a few years now but made nothing of it. An example of this is when I couldn't stop thinking about my breathing. I felt like I was manually breathing all day everyday and it was very stressful. I also had an irrational fear that flies were going to fly into my ears for many months which sounds ridiculous. Lastly, in my exams I've taken I constantly fear that I'm going to scribble out my entire work...
I very suddenly have these very bad stomach aches that make me feel sick to my stomach as well as sharp headaches that occur often. Also, I find myself having a very high heart rate when there is no danger around and I'm very jumpy and easily scared. For example, I go to a bus station every college day and the horns make me jump out of my skin, it doesn't affect anybody else. I've also had multiple panic attacks and crying episodes occur almost daily and multiple times. Hot flashes and being overwhelmed by stress also happens almost everyday. Small issues anger me very quickly and I'm often irritable and almost constantly restless. I have next to 0 sex drive and have ED which I assume is down to stress. I have acne breakout very badly all over my face.
I can't stop thinking about my insecurity: my height. It's not much bothered me before but now, it's something I worry about everyday (I'm around 5 ft 7). I have no confidence and have isolated myself from all of my friends as I find it easier due to the risk of embarrassing myself or saying the wrong thing. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I've lost my mind. The only ways I try to deal with my problems is by trying to stimulate myself enough to help distract me. For example I'll listen to music whilst watching a film with subtitles and I'm constantly eating whenever I can. In addition, I'm also addicted to my phone. I become very distressed when I don't have access to it.
I have had suicidal thoughts but I value life very much and fear death. Furthermore, my beautiful dogs as well as the image of my parents carrying my coffin don't allow me to take action. I feel scared that i'm at my wits end and may not be able to take it much longer. I feel very hopeless. One of the most frustrating things is that nobody knows, at all. I feel I need to talk to somebody but it's extremely difficult to start the conservation. I appreciate any advise or help you could give me. Thank you.