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sonicboom89

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  1. ok, thank you, it's helpful to get another perspective, it is very personal and there is no right answer! I will take the main point seriously - about beating myself up/focusing on the guilt and will try and work on this. Thanks.
  2. To provide some context. I have always been an obsessive thinker and have not helped myself with excessive drinking of alcohol. Currently I am in a long-term relationship, and live with, my girlfriend. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me after a life of messy and toxic relationships. A few months ago, I was leaving my job and at my leaving party. I was drinking way too much, and got into that mode of feeling out of control. As I was leaving the final pub I ended up alone for a former colleague and for some reason decided it was ok to say I had always fancied her. The details of the rest of the night are very fuzzy in my head but we ended up at a bus stop kissing for a while and then I was on a bus going back to her place. At some point even in the state I was in, I knew it was was wrong and I got off the bus and got a taxi home. The next morning, I had to wake up and get to the airport as I was flying to LA for my new role. I felt terrible but didn't want to say anything because I was going away for a week, I didn't want to leave her with that news. I spent a whole weekend by myself and became overwhelmed with guilt. I spoke to friends, family and a therapist and the majority said I should not tell her and move on. The main reason being there was a very slim chance she would find out as she doesn't know anyone from that side of my life. I felt I was getting there but then a few weeks ago the former colleague messaged me on LinkedIn, it was all nonsense and sent in the early hours of morning, nothing suggestive but it sent me spiralling. What I would like to clearly say is I know I have done wrong and I am not asking for sympathy in that regard, I also know I need to control my drinking and I am being proactive in that regard. My challenge is that I cannot decide on whether to give into my urges and tell my girlfriend, or keep it to myself and learn to accept it and move on. No matter how I try (using techniques from therapist) its pretty much all I debate in my head. Its the first thing that I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before going to sleep. When I watch stuff with her and I hear the words "Cheating" "Trust" etc. I automatically launch into the classic beat myself up approach. I know if I tell her its going to really hurt her and she may not ever trust me again, or worse, break up with me, it could be very selfish to pass on my guilt to her as a coping mechanism. Another aspect to this is whether its always about respecting her by telling the truth. I would really appreciate some advice and guidance, I know its not an easy one and there is not a right or wrong approach, but I can feel myself getting more stressed and depressed by the day.
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