Hello.
I'm really sorry to just come in here and rant but I need to because I feel like my head is going to explode and I don't have anyone else to talk to. My friends and family know about my OCD but they don't really care to be honest. They have more important things to worry about that an obsessive spitting hand washer lol.
My own brain is driving me crazy. I have OCD and an eating disorder. I'm really sorry but I can't be bothered to go into my history for the 50000th time. But I'd like to just complain about my symptoms.
I don't eat. I drink full fat milk twice a day - I know this is bad for me but right now it's all I can manage so PLEASE don't reply telling me yo get help eating etc - I do eat occasionally (weetabix when I can) but that's not what's driving me mad.
Its my stupid bloody routine before I can drink!!
Im so terrified that I'm going to get something in my mouth and swallow it (other than my milk) that I have a bloody stupid ritual.
I want to apologise in advance. I know this will be disgusting to most. But I can not help it. I spit.
My ritual - I have to swipe my tongue over my teeth, once on one side, twice on the other - touching all my teeth. Then run my tongue twice over one specific tooth (sounds crazy but this is to make sure there's a 'gap' so I have a clear way to drink. Makes sense to me lol) then I do behind it. anyway after every swipe I have to spit twice. That's spitting about ten times - and that's only if I've got it right first time.
Then it carries on. I have to cough. Spit. 6 times.
Then redo the ritual again with teeth swiping. This Time running over the specific tooth 3 times. And behind it. Still with the spitting twice after every swipe. Cough again. Spit 6 times again. Then I can drink
oh I forgot I have to breathe out threw my nose for 13 seconds before I even start 'to clear my airways so nothing in my nose gets in my mouth' lol I sound insane
Thats all just to have a drink. To get something in my body.
It's affecting my life. I've started leaving longer n longer between drinks. I'm doing 12 hours at the minute - I know it's bad for me but my OCD makes me dread even trying.
I don't have therapy right now but I'm due an assessment and I don't take medications - at all. Literally the only thing that goes in my body is milk. Nothing else.
I know I have really bad issues right now but if anyone has ANY ideas on how to soothe my drinking ritual it would be gratefully appreciated.
Im tired and mentally drained n it's driving me insane.
How do I calm the thoughts? They are escalating. Last week I could drink within 15 minutes. This week because of the crazy thoughts while I'm doing it it's taking me over an hour.
A month ago it took me 9 minutes.
When your in an OCD cycle what do you do? How do you calm your cycles? How do you stop the anxiety when your doing a ritual?
I will get help but right now I'm just looking for a way to soothe it even if it's only slightly.
My mind seems to race n I start remembering all the bad things in my life or even that day that have happened whilst I'm doing a ritual. Sometimes I don't even realise I'm thinking about them because I'm so focused on my ritual
some days I get so into my ritual it's almost like I've woke up from a nap by the time I've finished. It's draining me
sorry for such a huge essay I just needed to get it out my head.
