Maximus2019

Thanks so much Snowbear. So you are saying that this lost “brick” is unnecessary because there are enough other bricks to complete the building?

Better thanks! Now wondering about another issue that I posted about this morning.

There is a woman I just met at a cafe and we exchanged numbers and later went on one date. I hadn’t heard from her for a while, then she messaged me late in the day. I had something in mind to say to her the next day which I thought was inspiring and likely to spark emotions. I didn’t write it down though and forgot what it was that I wanted to say. Now I feel like I need to remember, and I can’t say anything else of interest to her unless I remember what I was going to say. This is hurting my chances with her. Please help. Thanks

I appreciate it. I did not mean to say that I am a danger to myself.

I did something very stupid- despite warnings from many people not to do it, and despite promising myself not to. There is a woman from Brazil who once a week cleans in the building where I work. She doesn't clean the part where I work, but I am assuming someone renting another space hired her, or the owner of the building did. Last year I tried to make a connection with her, but it didn't work out. Then, a few months ago, I started a conversation with her, and this time she showed mutual interest. She gave me her number and we began a texting communication for a few weeks. It turns out she was recently separated from her husband and has a 2 year old and 5 year old son. When I tried to make plans to meet up she texted me a few days later and abruptly ended things by saying she reunited with her husband. I held off on texting her but then a few weeks later I couldn't resist and texted to see how she was doing. I then got OCD that what if her husband saw my text and harmed her out of jealousy. I was thinking that because it's a macho culture, this may have happened. Please keep in mind it's my OCD talking here regarding the culture, and I the healthy part of my mind realizes that there is a wide variety of temperaments among men there like anywhere. So, anyway, I got great advice about how not to reach out to her when she's in an uncertain relationship status. So, I held off for a month. Things were going well, and I was focused on work. Then, one evening, about two weeks ago, I walk into the glass door and see her standing facing me, with sweat pants and a t shirt half open so I could see her belly. We talked for a while, exchanged pleasantries, and I said bye. I asked how were things with her husband, and she said "eh". I could tell she was not in a good relationship. After I left I tried to resist but couldn't, and invited her up to my office to have some water. We did, and then after talking for a bit the tension was too high and I tried to kiss her. I didn't touch her or even come close, I just asked if we could. She said no, and that she only wanted to be friends, and then left. Mistake number two: I called her an hour later. Now I realized her husband had control of her phone. He said "who is calling" in broken english, and I apologized and said that someone left cleaning equipment at the building. I know what I did was morally wrong- even if it did not put her in immediate danger, I risked complicating her family situation further. I tried to be physical with her when she was in a vulnerable state. I wasn't planning it. It's just that she was on my mind for so long before, and, being able to finally see her again, not knowing if I ever would, I felt it was maybe my last chance to seize on the moment. I am now well past the point of understanding not to communicate with her while she's still married and trying to figure things out. What I need now is health advice related to these symptoms that I'm having, that have been stopping me from living and preventing me from helping people with the work I normally do. The symptoms are: I keeping asking myself if he killed her. I try to think what the chances of it having happened are. He answered the phone, and he's clearly jealous if he has control of her phone. There seems to have been a high level of conflict between them already. I googled today the number of murders per year in the city where I live to try and figure out how likely it is that he murdered her. To make matters worse, the following facts are making me think that there is a real possibility he did: 1)I didn't see her in the building last Thursday, the day she normally works, (although I wasn't here at the time she normally comes), 2) I tried calling her from another number today just to hear her voice to see if she was alive. No one picked up. She isn’t due to be back in the building for another 3 days from now. I will be torching myself until then to get confirmation that she's alive, but if she doesn't show up then my symptoms will only worsen. Also, she usually comes at around 7 in the evening, and usually I am gone by then, so I’d have to stay late to see if she comes which is another compulsion I think? There is another single girl, who is single and studying psychology, who I made a genuine connection with recently, but I can't even text her because of all this guilt I have. I began talking to her at a café that I like to go to about once a week, and I have never approached a woman to talk to there before. She said she admired that I did a brave thing. We then had a great date a few days later. I may lose her while I am obsessing about whether or not the lady from my building was killed. I feel like I don't deserve a relationship anyway if I put someone in danger like I did. I also feel like I deserve the compulsions I am having. OCD makes sure we are not happy or productive. Please help. Thanks

Thanks Lynz. I appreciate your help. Sorry to you and Caramoole and DRS1 for the frequent messages trying to gain 100% certainty about the situation. I am seeing a therapist and will raise this issue during our next meeting.

I appreciate your help and Caramoole's as well. I just hope you read the whole post (it's only a few paragraphs) because there may be some details in there that could affect whether or not this is a real concern. I'm laughing at myself here but this is a serious issue for me. Thanks

Thanks. What did you mean by "There is nothing doubt filling about compulsive reassurance long term."? Is it not a legitimate concern that her husband sees the text and harms her, especially since it is a very strict culture? I saw a movie a few years ago where a Brazilian man kills his wife in a horrible manner after she cheated on him, and remembering that scene isn't helping me much here.

Thanks Caramoole. I see a therapist once a month. I would appreciate if you read the rest of the post and let me know your thoughts. The first paragraph doesn’t explain the substance of the issue. Until Saturday I haven’t posted here in months so your advice here would really help. Thanks

I met a woman who works in the same building as me last year. I spoke to her the same day we met and tried to get to know her but it didn't go anywhere. She only works there once in a while, so I didn't see her again until a month ago. This time I approached her again and started a conversation and asked for her number. She gave it to me and we continued a texting conversation for a few weeks. She's from Brazil, and she told me she was divorced with two children - 2 and 5 years old. About a week later I asked her to go for a walk on a Saturday. Three days later she responds with an apology for replying late, and tells me that she can't meet anymore because she reunited with her husband. I told her (part jokingly) that this is a drama and I thought she was divorced. She then sends me a long text saying she wasn't lying (I probably misunderstood her initially- or she may have just said she was separated but not divorced). She told me that she wanted me to believe her. She said she was going to give things a final chance with her husband. Based on the length of her text and the things she said I felt she wanted to keep things open with us, or at least keep a relationship between us an option incase she got separated again. All I told her is that life is complicated, and I think she is doing the right thing to give it another try with her husband. I decided not to pursue her anymore since I didn't want to break up her family and cause suffering. She liked my final message and that was that. Last night, though, after two weeks or so of not messaging her, I was feeling the urge to talk to her again. I felt like me not texting her was just putting myself under restraint and I wanted to feel free. I thought marriage shouldn't be a prison anyway and she should be able to make her own choice. So I texted her asking how the situation was with her husband. I was hoping that this wouldn't cause a problem for her, but still took the risk. I can see she hadn't blocked my number, but she hasn't responded yet to my text (and part of me hopes she doesn't). Now I feel guilty that I texted her knowing she's married and knowing it was a Saturday night and her husband could've been right next to her. I'm thinking things like what if her husband kills her or attacks her or the children. Brazil seems to have a culture where men can get harsh in a situation like that, but it might just be a stereotype/prejudice or maybe just my ocd playing into it. Or, to a lesser extreme, what if the family breaks up again because he sees his wife has been texting another man? She had told me, prior to them getting back together, that they were living separately, but I assume from her recent texts that they started to live together again. Are my worries legit? Btw I don’t plan on pursuing this woman anymore- at least not while she’s married or in an undecided situation. My main issue now is the ocd thoughts about the harm I may have already caused. Thanks!

Thank you very much. "Instead of offering you reassurance here what I will say is this: if you consider the fact that she may be on drugs is against your valued then you can make the decision to not see her again." The thing is I don't even know if she's on drugs, or if that's just my ocd making me think that she probably is. So, I don't if it would be OCD for me not to see her again because of this.

Sorry in advance for the subject matter of this post. I have been hesitating about posting, but decided to since I need help. A couple months ago I met a woman on Seeking Arrangement and we went on a date at a Casino. There was an immediate attraction on my end. We only spent about an hour or hour and a half together at a restaurant there for drinks after she played a few slot machines. She claimed to be Bulgarian and that she moved here ten years ago when she was 13. She also claimed to have studied computer science and could talk enough about programming so that I, with my layman's knowledge, thought it sounded legit. She told me she had her own business which helps companies integrate AI into their business, and she later even sent me a website for it. I looked her up online and saw a website with her picture advertising her web design services. I quickly realized that this is most likely all a fraud, and that's she's developed a persona like Elizabeth Holmes or the lady from "Inventing Anna". When I asked her how to say "how are you" in Bulgarian she could not even do so. Nonetheless I did not care because I was very attracted to her, and I wanted to have something physical with her. She reminded me of my former neighbor who is Bulgarian and looks very similar to her (same blond hair, etc., except the one I went on a date with had died her hair). I could never flirt with my neighbor because our daughters had been friends and I was friends with her husband, but I thought that I could harmlessly play out my fantasy with the Seeking woman by pretending she was my neighbor. She took an uber home that night which I paid for. We followed up by texting each other but then she stopped texting me. I got anxious that she was no longer interested but it turned out she was just busy. To make a long story short, we had agreed on the financial terms of our next meeting which would involve me giving her something if we just had drinks, and me giving her something more if we would go back to my place or hers after (but we also agreed that if either of us wanted it to be just drinks and ended up not having the energy for more, that there would be no obligation on either of us to do more). I ended up realizing that this is wrong of me to do, that I shouldn't be wasting money like that since, among other things, I was trying to save up to take me and my brother, who has been working very hard, on vacation. A few weeks later I kept thinking of her and I changed my mind again and reached out to her. This time we had plans but she was the one who changed her mind. She actually just blew me off by not responding to my text to confirm our meeting. Eventually she texted me back saying she wasn't feeling well, but it was later in the day. The chase drove me crazy and I couldn't get her off my mind. We set up another meet but this time I cancelled again and promised myself never to meet her again and to stay away from Seeking Arrangement forever. My last message to her was a polite message saying that I think we should hold off for a bit so I can get things together with my work. A few weeks later, when I was doing great in my life, she messaged me unexpectedly. This time I couldn't resist and we met with the same financial understanding as we planned before. I came to pick her up and we decided to go for a walk. I noticed soon that there appeared to be distress in her eyes. Her expression wasn't the same as it was when we met for drinks the first time at the casino restaurant. She had told me that she had been tutoring programming to children, but that she lost her job a few days ago because, instead of showing up to work, she went to the ER after getting an earing stuck in her ear. I immediately thought the whole thing was suspect and worried that she might be doing drugs. Something was out of place, but whether or not it was drugs, or whether it's my OCD assessing too high of a likelihood to her being on drugs, I'm not sure. She was still attractive to me though. During that walk I had now debated with myself on whether or not to ask if she wanted to do the second option which was to go back to my place. Because it would involve a higher payment, I worried (not because I'd be spending more money since I wasn't concerned about money that day as my work was going well) but was concerned that with a higher of amount of money she could buy more drugs (if she was doing them) and overdose. One side of me debated with the other- the side of me that really wanted her said to the other side that you waited all this time and had all this obsessing over her- now you are finally here and are going to back out? I also told myself that if she is doing drugs, she can get money from someone else if I back out, and can also get drugs even if I give her the smaller amount that I already agreed to just for the first part of our meet. The side of me that wanted to be with her won the debate and I asked if she wanted to go back to my place. She at first said no but I convinced her by saying we could just have drinks and didn't need to do anything more unless we both wanted. We did go and have drinks and did end up having sex. I enjoyed the experience with her and have a big crush on her still. I've been feeling guilty for the past two weeks though that what if I exacerbated a drug habit that she might have. What if she used that money for drugs and either overdoses from that use, or her use leads to further drug use which one day leads to an overdose, and that without the money I gave she never would have overdosed? Even if she was doing drugs before, what if she would have recovered eventually without getting the money from me? Part of me tries to go easy on myself saying that I tried not to meet her but she called me and I couldn't resist, but the other part of me says I was just being weak. A second separate issue in this post is that there was a brief period, like five seconds, during our walk, where I was actually turned on by the thought of taking advantage of her while she was on drugs or seeking them. I have been feeling terrible about having that thought. It quickly passed, and I felt bad about it right away. When we were actually together in my place I wasn't thinking of it. Even during our walk I wasn't thinking about it except for those five seconds. For most of the walk I was debating with myself. I don’t know whether or not that fleeting thought is similar to the “groinal response” feeling/thought that some people with OCD get which they feel very guilty about, or whether it means that I am a bad person. I can't concentrate at work lately because of this guilt, and have been having trouble socializing with people. I am thinking very low about myself right now and wish I had the strength not to meet her when she reached out. Everything was going well for me until then- I was in a state of peace, and work was going well, and now it's all guilt and uncertainty. Did I likely cause harm to her? Is it OCD to she was on drugs based on the look in her eye and on her having lost her job from being in the ER? People on drugs are often in the ER, and the story of the earing getting stuck in her ear sounds made up (who gets an earing stuck in their ear?). Also, am I a bad person for being turned on about taking advantage of her? She messaged me yesterday asking to meet again but told her I couldn't for a while because of work although I really wanted to meet soon (I just made an excuse since the real reason is that I worried about enabling her). Lastly, is it OCD to not meet her again solely because I worry she is on drugs? Thank you!

@FalseAlarm Hi. Sorry that you've been dealing with this. I can totally relate- we own a wooden home, and I have a huge fear of fires. Currentyl, because of work, my family had to move and rent somewhere else which is a brick place, but we still own the wooden home, but I worry about coming back to it (which was our plan to do after a couple years). I've even considered not moving back just because of that. I bought a fire extinguisher in the past, but it didn't allay my fears. I've watched videos on having a fire escape plan, and have read up on fire statistics. Some of these precautions have been warranted, but the amount I think about it, and considering not moving back because of a fire risk, is all ocd. You asked "what if this is not ocd". The Jeffrey Schwartz test, which was so helpful to me is: "If it even might be ocd, it is ocd! OCD mimicks reality, but never the other way around." So, for example, if a legitimate concern presented itself- like a friend has been missing for weeks, you wouldn't think it was OCD to call the police because reality mimicks ocd. But if you are ever wondering if something is ocd or not, just ask this question: is this maybe ocd? If the answer is yes, then it is! It's hard to face our fears. A suggestion is that on the plane you can refocus (one of the four steps of breaking the ocd cycle). For example, watch a good movie, or bring a book or play a game on your computer or phone. If you can go 10 or 15 minutes on the plane while successfully engaging in something other than obsessing, it's an accomplishment. Don't get discourage if the obsessive thoughts then interrupt you- just tell yourself you'll aim for another 10 or 15 minutes. Soon you'll be able to do longer and longer increments. If you can refocus for ten minutes, you can refocus for most of the trip. Enjoy your travels, and I hope to hear how it goes!

@FalseAlarm @malina I also realized at lunch today that a fundamental issue here is that (and maybe this is just my ocd) I feel like whenever I'm with any woman it takes away my energy for my passions - in my case skateboarding and philosophy are two big passions of mine. I think to myself there are so many people who excelled in their passions while having not just one, but multiple relationships. Then I think of other people, like Isaac Newton, who stayed celibate to be able to focus on their work. When the Canadian girl messaged me, she had asked about my skating, etc., and she showed some passion in her message. My response had no energy and said nothing specific that would have inspired further response- all I said was basically "work and skating are good, how is your work and school, what have you been up to." The problem was that I had just been on a date five minutes earlier so my mind wasn't on my passions, and it would've been inappropriate to tell her right then of the date I was just on. So, is there a way to having engaging conversations with multiple people of romantic interest, or will focusing on more then one cause me to lose what I could otherwise talk passionately about? Texting nowadays is an art and such an important part of a relationship. Did I ruin it with the Canadian lady but responding so boringly? We had plans to do another facetime call at the end of the month, and were also talking about meeting in the Spring in Canada (she is about a five hour drive from me). Should I just forget about the local girl and focus on the Canadian lady? I don't know what to do! Thanks again for your help.

Thanks F.A. and Malina. I appreciate the responses.