VoidSeeker

Hello. My last thread is from around 6 months ago. Since then it's gotten a lot better and I'm visiting my therapist every 2 weeks. I don't want to make this post all too long thats why I'm going to get right into the topic. Every few months I get this feeling of immense doubt about the recovery process. OCD is making me doubt that the things I do to fight it are wrong, false etc. To me it feels like a loss of memory. Everything I learned about OCD is "gone". It's basically OCD about OCD Recovery. I heard that this mostly takes place in the last stage of recovery. Now since I already had this thought come up in the past (and went away) it shouldn't be something new right? Well the thing is I don't know what I precisely did back then. In my time before visiting a therapist I've watched many videos. And while she does an amazing job with her videos, I feel like that here's where the problem lies. When watching her videos I get reassurance. I get reassured that I don't have to worry about the recovery and the things I'm doing are correct. And the more I watch her videos or look up OCD information the worse it gets. (You probably know the drill) Ofcourse the other option would be to not watch these videos, but how can I do the recovery while OCD keeps making me doubt it constantly?

True. If you think about it, it's all the same just with a different theme. I don't want to go into detail about the Pure-O stuff (or however we wanna call it) but I find it harder to resist the thoughts compared to the rewinding compulsion because the thoughts come in randomly and the automatic fear that comes with them just feels awful. I however know that each and every one of these damn thoughts are insignificant and I can't control the thoughts I get. They just come in. And I need to make the choice not to react and ignore. (That's obviously easier said than done)

After my post on Monday I've managed to watch several episodes again without rewinding. Like you've said I've tried to achieve the unachievable by trying to understand everything to 100%. And I know for a fact that even if I go and rewatch parts afterwards it's just fueling the OCD and making me feel even less certain of what I've just watched. Like seen in this diagram I've made: I'm accustomed to the delaying. I also have Pure O and when I get a thought I just refuse to react to it in any way. 30-60 minutes later and it's gone or not as intrusive anymore. But for this physical compulsion (Rewinding) it takes longer. I will try and make a game out of it. How many days can I go without rewinding/scheduling? The only thing I'm worried about is the feeling of uncertainty and enduring it.

Thank you dksea. I think you put me on the right track. Let's say I've done all that and didn't rewind and intentionally watched something when there's noise around. The anxiety rose and I have the urge to rewatch parts of the episode. Am I allowed to or should I stay strong and refuse no matter what? It feels like this is yet another sub-compulsion of this whole thing.

Hello again. The past weeks have been great. Most of the time I didn't rewind and the more I didn't the better and easier it felt the day after. Yesterday however it has become worse. It somehow started again and the more I rewound the anexiety rose. Even if I clearly say to myself: "No you won't rewind this time". Few minutes in and I'll start rewinding. The compulsion feels out of control. Since this is exhausting I then start the episode over and it takes me nearly double the amount of time it would take to watch an episode. On top of all of this I'll always have to wait until it's quiet. If for exp. there's someone playing loud music I go nuts. With noise around me I simply can't concentrate and it causes stress and stress causes the complusion. I already know at what time of day it "get's loud" so I'll have to plan ahead which is stupid if you think about it. I'll take a break for a few hours now and try again later.

Yes I'm gonna do this. I will post again in a few days/weeks and let you know how it went.

That's not the case at all. I'm not losing attention. And the shows I watch are all worth my attention because if that weren't the case I wouldn't watch them in the first place. I blame it all on OCD. Before there was OCD I did not have any urge to rewind or go back and rewatch something. Yes I get it. I have to endure the feeling of not understanding someting to 100%. But when OCD makes you doubt, it just feels so backwards when you desperately want to know something (which might be totally unimportant)

Quick Update: Been doing okay the last days with rewinding only once or twice and sometimes not at all. Today unfortunately two hours after I've watched an episode (without rewinding) I had a feeling that I didn't understand something. I gave in the urge and rewatched the episode. Now I know what I've missed and it seems more clear than before, but since I gave in the compulsion I probably made it worse. It's either doing what OCD tells you to do by rewinding over and over again, ruining the show this way or not rewinding at all, feeling like you have a loss of memory afterwards which feels better than doing the compulsion but it's still annoying and ruins the enjoyment of the show especially when it's your favorite one

Gotcha. Thanks for the advice.

Not necessarily. It's more like OCD is making me doubt if I really got this right. What's funny though, when I rewatch an episode a week or two later I have zero problems. Thats probably because I already know whats happening.

When watching recorded TV I tend to rewind a lot because I feel like I missed something or didn't understand it completely especially when theres something really important happening. This compulsion is linked to outside noise. Whenever there is noise I tend to rewind or wait until it's quiet. Sometimes I start an episode over because of this. What's the right approach to fight this type of OCD? From what I've gathered, in order to get rid of this I basically have to do nothing. Letting the episode play, not pause or rewind even when I have the urge to do so. (Pretending like I'm actually watching TV where I can't pause) But what seems paradoxical to me is that I have to be "okay" with missing something. Isn't OCD about false fears? This one seems like it's real because OCD is making me feel like I actually missed something. Is this really the way to get rid of this? I just want to have fun with my hobby again

So you mean like doing the opposite of what it tells you?

Yes you're right. A therapist is probably the best option to handel this monstrosity, and I'm currently on the look out for one. But this takes time. It could take weeks or even months. In the time from now until I start the therapy, I have to do something otherwise I would just sit there day in and out doing practically nothing/wasting my time worrying about nonsense. This drives me mad. To me shutting myself off doesn't feel like a compulsion. Without it I just keep avoiding and wasting my time because the compulsions keep poping up and interrupt me . Not because I'm feared but all this **** is disturbing me and ultimately ruining my experience. In this situation I can't do ERP. It's just too hard. When I do not shut myself off and do ERP by doing the hobby in question there is a pretty high chance that a compulsion gets triggered and even when I try resisting it, my mood will change imidiatly and it causes me to avoid again leading in a setback. The more I do this the less montivation I have to get started again. By shutting myself off for a longer periot of time (monstly by not using the internet) I find it a dozen times easier to get started. I feel like if I do this long enough I will build strength (self esteem) to resist all this once I go back to normal. Ultimatly shutting myself off is a compulsion because I should be able to do ERP nonetheless but I don't have the mental strengh for it.

Hey I'm at the brink of insanety right now. If I'm very knowledgeable or passionate about a topic or hobby (doesn't matter what it is) and then hear someone's opinion or take on it, be it by talking to someone or reading/hearing something about it on the internet and other media, my OCD throws my opinion under the bus and latches on that other opinion. As you could imagine these opinions can be pretty stupid and nonsensical but my OCD doesn't care. And so this opinion gets stuck in my had and I start worrying about it. This then leads me to do two things: 1.) Ask for reassurance to confirm my opinion. 2.) Avoid the hobby/topic all together. Asking for reassurance doesn't help because in a matter of minutes the need of reassurance is back because OCD shifted to a slightly different version of it or it picked something I've worried in the past. Avoiding things I love to do feels incredibly frustrating and makes me even more anxious. What's worse I can't even (and don't want to) talk about my OCD because it makes it worse and or create new compulsions. Before all of this I went to a therapist. At that time I was too anxious and couldn't do anything on my own. I also didn't knew how OCD worked and what to do. The Therapist had done little to help me and I quit after 7 months. Since then I read a lot about OCD and watched countless videos. A few months ago I've managed to be free of anxiety and compulsions for 5 weeks in a row. It was so great. I finally could do what I wanted for so long without anything to worry about. Then it came back, I reacted and now I'm back in the loop for 2 months and it seems worse than ever before. My OCD manifested itself in the recovery process where I'm doubting myself if I'm recovering correctly. I then "have to" rewatch videos or reread articles. I went as far as quit using the internet in order to do ERP without a way to seek reassurance, create new compulsions and triggering old ones but I don't know if that's the right approach since I'm running away and not exposing myself to the fear (opinions on the internet) Should I completely shut myself off from the outerworld and not talk with anyone and not going online in order to try doing ERP uninterrupted? Or is this idea counterproductive?