I'm 29 years old and my diagnoses so far have been OCD and major depressive disorder. My OCD has mostly centered around the harm theme, though I have also had contamination and other common manifestations. I've been dealing with this for around 15 years and thought I had pretty much conquered my OCD demon. Until just a couple of days ago, that is, and I honestly don't even know if this is really OCD.
I've been stressed the past couple of months, mostly financially, and have been dealing with general feelings of failure. I don't have the job I want, the relationship I want, friendships, any of it. The loneliness has been a constant for me. However, I felt like I was managing pretty normally until Wednesday night. I worked late with a small group of coworkers and it was revealed that two of the girls are in a relationship with each other. I don't know why, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of burning jealousy as all of my other coworkers were congratulating them because theirs is exactly the kind of relationship I want. When I got home that night, I even cried. Thoughts were going through my head about how lonely and unattractive I am, how no one will ever want to be with me.
I actually kept having flashes of them together as I was trying to get my mind on other things. I didn't fall asleep until early Thursday morning and I kept feeling this overwhelming sense of despair the entire time. One of the girl's names kept playing in my head repeatedly, whenever I tried to distract myself. I started to feel a bit better Thursday night and was okay Friday morning. Then I went to work and they were there again, being very obvious and open about their relationship, and those feelings started to come back. I had this idea that maybe I'll never be able to move on and stop obsessing and it made me panicky and anxious.
I got off at midnight last night and didnt sleep at all. I had a upsurge in my mood around 2-4 this morning, that feeling of "Everything is going to be ok", but it didn't last. I got to work today, saw them, and the anxiety came back. I was at work a total of 30 minutes before I was bawling in my manager's office. I just told her that it was anxiety, which she knows I suffer from, and she gave me the day off.
So much is going through my head right now. Am I ever going to get past this? Can I work around them? Am I turning into a crazy psycho stalker? Like, I don't even know these girls and they seem nice enough? Why should I be letting these obsessions preoccupy my personal life, to the point where my sleep and appetite is affected and I don't feel like myself?
I'm making an appointment this week to get back on the antidepressants that I quit a year ago so hopefully that will help, but I'm freaking out in the meantime. Does anyone have any advice? Apologies for the length.
