I was diagnosed 24 years ago, but had it before this, I just thought mayb I was from another planet. I've had cbt, counselling on and off over the years. I've been on medication for about 18 years.
I've got so many issues, rituals etc I couldn't possibly count, touching things, special numbers relating to people, walking back places, reading forwards then having to read backwards but a lot of the time it's about getting all these things just right. And it's never just once, sometimes 5, 10, 20 or more.
More recently I've had issues with contamination. Not germs, but death. We recently went on holiday and there was a tragic accident that we witnessed (I feel guilty for even writing about this as why should I have the right, the people that were directly affected and had a lose are the ones who suffered the most) that was so hard to write! Writing it put makes it seem more real and I've been trying so hard to block it all out. I think about it each day for nearly 2 months. I've been throwing things away, even new things that has anything to do with the holiday and reminds me of it. Originally when we got back off holiday, I got family to help with cleaning and washing things down. But now even those items are feeling contaminated again and then anything they touch becomes contaminated. It's spreading so much I feel breathless and panicky talking about it to you. It's spread so much, we are throwing more and more away, when it came to a point 2 nights ago, I couldn't take it no more. Left the house crying and in a state. After sometime sat in my car alone, crying, heathing to be sick and getting angry and tapping/hitting my head, (I know that sounds crazy) Luckily I made the right choice this time and went to a friend to ask for help.
After some time when I was calmer, she took me home and explained to my partner how I was feeling so I didnt have to go all through it again. My Mum is also mostly around supporting us too. My family and including my sisters can be very supportive.
Since that night I've been practically in bed, I'm just avoiding going down to see all the bits that have been affected and not knowing what to do with them and how far do I go throwing things away. Especially as it's not all mine to get rid off.
My partner has been really great. I know we aren't supposed to have all the reassurance, but he just wants to help me. That night he through all the food out of a cupboard and washed it down that I've been struggling with as some of the tins etc we had taken away with us and not used. But over time when trying to use the food items, everything it touched, i had to clean including my clothes and anywhere else it spread.
I now feel sick. Sorry mayb too much detail.
I feel guilty because of the waste, but just need everything gone, but I'm scared as beginning to think, it's not possible.
Even though he through everything away, I could hear him putting tins on the side and touching cupboards which I blocked my ears and tried to block out. Anxiety wanting to scream. Then my mind questions did he put them straight on the side, did he open the cupboard door in the hall way with the same hand. What did he use to do it, did that touch anything and is now contaminated.
This is just part of my ocd. I have so much more to contend with and other threatening thoughts.
I've started 12 wk cbt. Only 2 was in atm. Only been talking mainly. Now she's off for 2wks. I want to do the cbt, I know I need to, but the thought of the difficulty it's going to make me face scares the **** out of me!
I'm sure there's more I can tell you, but for now this is a big step.
Thank you for your reply and thank you for listening if you got this far ☺️