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Cora

Bulletin Board User
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    859
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK

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  1. Please, don't be angry with me but I'm really struggling with this today: The arousal now feels emotional as well, if that makes sense. So it's not just groinal responses but also feelings of love or something similar. I'm working on accepting this as OCD but I'm struggling quite a lot today.
  2. Thank you, malina. I'm sorry if I made you, or anyone else, feel angry or frustrated with another post.
  3. Thank you, @malina, @Hdigtts and @OxCD. I'm struggling to accept that it's all the same thing. I just wish it (the feelings and urges) didn't change so badly every single time; I wish they had like a pattern and didn't feel worse and worse day by day.
  4. Hi, I feel guilty and stupid for coming back. People will probably hate me even more after this, but I feel like sh!t (I apologise for my language!) and have no one else to talk about this. For the past days I've been struggling with a new form of my obsessions of being attracted to children and animals. This new form is mainly being completely sure that I am what I fear: a paedophile, a zoophile and an abuser. Last night, while trying to fall asleep, I felt that I was indeed a paedophile - it came as a fact. I even felt that I was okay with being that person and with acting on my thoughts. I felt no shame, anxiety or remorse. I felt like there was nothing wrong with that. Then this morning, while wasting my time on social media, I saw lots of posts about animals - not in a creepy way. You won't believe me but what I felt was real sexual attraction. I swear I had thoughts like this one: "I want to have sex with that dog!" and I thought that there was nothing wrong with it. I know this sounds ridiculous but I don't know who I am anymore. I have no moral values: I feel like I truly want all these things; I feel like they don't disgust me anymore; I feel like I have to and want to act on them.
  5. I'm really sorry that this happened to you, @malina. I think I can understand how much that affected you. You didn't deserve that. No one does.
  6. I don't think anyone is interested in listening to/reading this but I'll say it anyway. I feel like I should have not shared what happened. I feel bad for doing so. I'm 22 but I behaved like I was 11, so now I do feel like a loser. Also, I feel like I've waisted everyone's time, which is probably the thing I regret the most. Anyway, I'm sorry.
  7. Hello everyone, Something weird happened this morning. I didn't want to talk about it on here but I feel guilty and I would like to address some things. I received some private messages, here on the forum, from another user. The messages weren't the greatest and left me feel even more guilty and ashamed than before receiving them. I was named a loser, dumb and selfish, and told that I had privileges. Maybe I am those things and I had to see it sooner. It hurts but maybe it is the truth. But that was not the thing that upset me the most. What upset me was that person was mocking me and my struggles "but oh poor you, right? you're feeling so, so bad". I understand the person's frustration but that made me feel like sh!t. There was another important thing. That person also said "It disgusts me how you have taken away time from people who are screaming for help". I know I've been on this forum way too much and received continuous great advice, which I sincerely apologise for, but my intention was never to take away time from people struggling, never. I think they also made some weird allusions to the fact that I'm a paedophile. I say I think because there was something I didn't understand (English is not my first language) and I might be mistaken. I hope I am. I feel guilty for posting this but I have to. And the main reason for that is because even though I apologised before, I would like to do it again. I am really sorry for wasting your time and making you feel like your opinions don't matter. I have always appreciated your help and support and I couldn't be more thankful for your time, patience and guidance, but I apologise for always coming back and asking/talking about the same thing. I also apologise if I indeed took away the time from people who needed it more than me. I am really sorry. I don't know what else to say. I've been thinking about those messages all day and I had to come on here and talk about it. Again, I'm really sorry and thank you for reading this.
  8. Thank you, @OxCD and @malina. Yes, I want to do this! But whenever I let myself to at least try to move on I get the question: "What if you did abuse him?" And it's terrible, especially because the question comes with a (side) statement saying I'm evil and deserve to die for being such a pain to both humans and animals. And I sink even deeper. I talked to her today and I'll have to wait a bit before I see her again. I'm still in a very anxious state which isn't helpful if I want to properly engage with therapy. I've increased my meds so I'm waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully it won't be too long until I calm down a bit.
  9. I did bring it up. But she said it was all OCD and we didn't talk too much about it. I will bring it up again however as it seems to be something I really struggle with.
  10. Thank you, @malina and @OxCD. I'm dealing with something very bad and can't seem to move on. So about 2 days ago I said that I had a sexual thought about my boyfriend's dog. I remember stroking him afterwards but I can't remember the exact reason for that. Did I touch him because of the thought or was it just a normal stroke? I feel like I've abused him. I feel awful and can't believe that now I have to deal with these things as well.
  11. This hurts so much. I forgot to say that I felt aroused by the thought of harming the dog. But it was like true arousal. I can't express in words how terrible I feel. I really don't know how not to pay attention to the arousal and the feeling of wanting to do something bad.
  12. Thank you, @malina. The problem I have now is that I'm convinced I abused my brother and my boyfriend's dog. I can't remember if I touched them while having those thoughts. But I remember feeling like I was enjoying them (the thoughts). I don't know... I feel awful. Not really. Our last session was about making a safety plan because I was feeling very bad.
  13. I'm sorry. I feel very bad to be here again for the same old reasons. I feel very low and confused today. There's this feeling that I can't understand. I've experienced it before but today it's stronger. It feels like I'm truly enjoying any sexual thought I have. Yesterday I had so many disgusting thoughts about my brother and even though I didn't act on them, I truly felt like I wanted to. Today I had terrible thoughts about my boyfriend's dog and, once again, I felt like I really wanted to do something about it. I feel so rotten and evil inside and I can't stop it. I'm trying my best to ignore it but I don't have any energy left, especially when it feels like I'm enjoying all of this. I feel lost and can't stand myself anymore. Once again, I'm sorry to be here again. I really felt like I needed to talk to someone who understands me.
  14. Thank you so much, @malina, @MarieJo and @PolarBear. You are very kind to me. Thank you!
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