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Cora

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  1. I disagree. Examining the intrusive thoughts is not going to help NJ321, it will only make the situation worse. I find your comment unhelpful, to be honest.
  2. No, I haven't used the diagram with this specific worry. It sounds ridiculous but I don't know how to do it. I looked up details of a person being abused as a child while having an arousal and me thighs very close to each other. I'm not sure how to use the diagram for this.
  3. @Caramooleand @snowbear, I am really struggling today...
  4. I understand, Caramoole, but I don't know what to do at the moment and that's why I'm here.
  5. Hello everyone, I feel very distressed after my (second) therapy session that I had yesterday morning. I really wanted to avoid coming on here while engaging with the therapy, out of respect for everyone, but I seriously feel awful and waiting until next Tuesday seems like an eternity. We were using the vicious flower formulation to work on a few of my intrusions/worries. One of them was about me reading certain stories of sexual child abuse and feeling that I was enjoying it in a sick way. I opened up about this ugly thing I do/have which is pressing my thighs together when having a groinal response, or arousal, caused by my intrusions. (For reference sometimes I do the thigh pressing thing as a way of self pleasuring to regular, normal thoughts, but it also happens when I feel anxious and under pressure - I know, it sounds confusing, weird and sick, all at the same time). I did not press my thighs together while reading those stories but I was awfully close to it; by that I mean that I moved my legs/thighs closer and closer to each other the more I was reading about the stories. Because we approached this towards the end of the session, I felt that we left it at a weird, confusing spot. I started feeling distressed about an hour later, and haven't stopped since, because a few memories came back out of nowhere. One of them was reading a story about a writer who was talking about their struggles including being sexually abused when they were really young and dealing with severe depression and anxiety for most of their life. I can't remember for sure but I do have a memory that I typed their name on google and added the words 'sexually abused' next to it. I also remember that my thighs were very close to each other and when I typed those words I placed them even closer. I did find a few disturbing details after one click. To me putting my legs/thighs together is a form of masturbation. And that's what I did while looking for those disturbing details. Please please someone help me. I am shaking and I don't know what to do.
  6. NLL, please don't make any rush decisions. Ring the crisis team again and speak to them. It doesn't have to be about OCD, just have someone to talk to.
  7. I had an intrusive thought of a child while being intimate with my partner. The thought made me feel aroused, more than I already was, both physically and mentally. For a few seconds after that I felt that I was enjoying the intimate moment only because of the thought. And I also didn't feel disgusted. I felt a strong enjoyment (because of the thought) and while some people would stop the moment, I didn't, I actually wanted it to continue - again, for a few seconds it felt that the only reason for that was the intrusive thought and the feeling of enjoyment it brought. I feel horrible. I'm so stressed with uni and having this to worry about is not helping.
  8. @Caramoole, would it be safe (for me and everyone else) to just say this is part of my OCD and just move on? I'm tired of this and I want to stop thinking about it and what it means.
  9. I'm not sure, Caramoole. I have no answer. I don't know why I do these things and why they happen. I don't know why I put myself in this kind of situations. It's like I almost lose control of my own mind and body. I don't know how to describe this feeling of enjoyment but it's there; yes, it's twisted and much different than the one I have when I'm with my partner but it's still there. I don't know, it's all so confusing. Yes, that's what I do... It always feels different and more overwhelming. And it's worse when I cause it and do awful things on purpose.
  10. Thank you very much for your help everyone! I'm really sorry I didn't reply last night, I was quite tired from work and couldn't think straight. @HelloItsMe, I'm supposed to have an initial appointment with a therapist next week. I really hope she won't get scared of me or think I'm a freak. Thank you, @ocd veteran, I will have a look. @PolarBearand @Caramoole, I promise I understand that confessing and asking for reassurance is only making my situation worse in the long run, but what happened was truly awful. I deliberately looked at that young girl because of a sick reason which was the arousal. I looked at her as a way of purposely entertaining the arousal and the whole creepy situation. Second time I looked at her it felt extremely wrong but I really wanted to look at her again and so I did it. And I definitely didn't do it for checking or testing, it was more like a sexual desire or something. It's really difficult for me to describe in words what really happened. I feel lost and if I'm back in therapy any time soon, I have no idea where to start from, I feel like there are so many incidents and things to discuss and it's all a mess.
  11. I'm really sorry to open a new thread but this is a different subject. Something happened at work today. I started my shift wondering what were the reasons behind my staring at very young people (14 to 18, or something like that) that I unfortunately did a few weeks ago. I started feeling weird, I even noticed some sort of arousal. I was on the shop floor doing my jobs and having those thoughts at the same time. Then I noticed two customers standing next to me - my guess was they were a father with his daughter. I noticed that the daughter was a teen maybe (I'm really sorry, I know this sounds creepy but it's important for the story). The arousal I had before got stronger when I looked at the girl. And then a very disgusting thing happened. I felt like I was enjoying the arousal and then I looked at the girl again because of that. I then started having extremely gross thoughts that I wanted to keep looking at her because I wanted to enjoy the moment in a sexual way. And then, like a really bad impulse, I looked at her again and that's when I felt like a predator. I felt like I couldn't control myself and that it was pleasurable. And I'm convinced I wasn't checking or testing myself. I simply couldn't stop myself from looking at that girl and felt like I was enjoying it. You might say that I'm exaggerating but all those feelings and thoughts felt predatory. I cried after and couldn't believe it. I cried again when my boyfriend got there a few hours later but I couldn't tell him. I think I'm not explaining it as accurately as it actually happened. This happened about 6 hours ago so my memory is not as fresh. I just want to know what I can do now. You have no idea how disgusted with myself I am. I really fear all of this proves that my fear has come true. I hope someone can help me, I would really appreciate it.
  12. I'm not really sure. I think I'll just feel like a fraud for the rest of my life. It would feel like cheating or something similar. And I would always have a guilty conscience.
  13. Hi @DRS1, Thank you so much for replying! And yes, your advice most definitely helps I'm sorry if this sounds weird and confusing but that is my problem: I can't assess whether OCD is at fault or me. During my really bad days with OCD I could go weeks without doing any work whatsoever. But... because I got so used to that, on my better days I didn't do any work either - I struggled to just sit down and start working, sometimes it even felt that I unlearnt how to do it even though it should be a very simple task for a final year student. And now I feel guilty because of that. I feel that I could and should have used those better days to do my research and not just wonder around. And that's why I feel that maybe OCD wasn't the one taking significant amounts of time away but it was me and my poor time management skills. I hope this makes sense. Thank you once again, DRS1.
  14. I keep feeling that I don't deserve to apply for the mitigating circumstances for the 8000 words dissertation. I just feel like I'm using the system. I've asked for their help (by applying for mitigating circumstances and short extensions) for many, many times for the past year and I can't stop feeling guilty for that. I feel that the only reason I want to get their help once again is to avoid getting a 3rd as my final, overall grade. My grades have been quite bad for the past two years (and I think that is because OCD messed up the way I structure my academic work and time) and now if I don't ask for help and get a D- for the dissertation, I'm simply screwed. But that shouldn't be the reason to apply for mitigating circumstances - they are there to help the students who deal with life altering issues. And yes, I've been struggling with OCD and have had horrible days but it just doesn't feel like enough of a reason at the moment. I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what the right decision is. I keep having this thought that I'm lying to the university and if I do ask for their help, I'll always feel like a fraud as my achievements will be forever stained and unrealistic of my actual academic skills.
  15. Thank you, @snowbear and @malina. Can I please ask for some examples, malina?
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