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Cora

Bulletin Board User
  • Content Count

    333
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About Cora

  • Birthday 06/08/1998

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    The most predominant type/theme is POCD. But I also struggle with incestuous and harm OCD.

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female

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  1. Thank you, @PolarBear. I'm home now and I feel a bit calmer. But I'm still worried that I had bad intentions, and I'm worried that I'm not worried enough.
  2. Hi, I'm so sorry to do this, but I'm panicking and don't know what to do to calm down. This is disgusting but here goes: about an hour ago I was trying to get the tv remote from my brother (he was trying to hide it). As I was trying to get it I kept touching his hands which let my mind and body to react in a very weird, perverted way. The reaction was mainly about me wanting to hurt him sexually and involved a strong sensation down there. Now I'm at work and the sensation still won't go away. After the incident happened I went to my room and felt like I was about to burst as I was feeling like I really wanted to go back into the living room and hurt him. I'm confused and scared. The sensation makes me feel like I'm aroused and want to do something about it. I don't know how to handle this. I really feel like I could hurt my brother any second. I'm sorry. Also, I'm scared that when I finish work and go home I will want to hurt my brother - that's how I feel at the moment. I'm terrified to ask this but do you think I should report myself? The way I feel now makes me really want to do it next time I see the GP.
  3. I agree with you, @OxCD, but I did something more than just having thoughts and feelings. If I'm not going to kill myself, I have to find a way of how to live with myself, knowing that I did what I did. I'm sorry. I'm a dead end. And I'm being very dramatic as well.
  4. Thank you so much, @IsabelJ and @OxCD, for your support. You are really kind to me! I just don't know how this is OCD and I'm not an abuser - I impulsively kissed my brother after having a sexual feeling in my body. And I'm more than sure that it happened more than those four times - I can't believe I'm actually saying this - but I just can't remember exactly when and how. I don't know how this is OCD if I like my thoughts, enjoy the sensations caused by the thoughts and get very strong urges and impulses to act on the thoughts. And, at the end of the day, I don't even feel like there is something wrong with me. I'm not sad enough (most of the time I force myself to be sad), I don't cry, I eat and sleep like a normal person (although I'm trying to starve myself as a way of punishment), and even though I want this to end, I still like to dream about my future.
  5. There is great a chance that you will hate me, but I have to ask again: please, could you tell me if what I did is abuse? I know it is but I want to hear it from someone else as well. When I told my boyfriend what happened, he couldn't believe it and tried to come up with a different scenario. But I know what happened. I was there. But this only shows what a piece of sh*t I am. I have to end this. There's really no point in keep going.
  6. The GP was very understanding but I already knew everything she told me. I have another appointment in a week and a bit, and we'll see how that one goes, although I've lost all my hope. I just feel terrible. I'm a mess and all I want it to die. I know this is stupid, and I apologisefor for this, but for some reason I believe that people here secretly think that I'm an abuser, but won't tell me because they think I'll get hurt. Things are worse than they've been before. I feel like, and almost want to, act on my thoughts and urges. I feel terrible for saying this but it's true. I don't know how to describe it but whenever I think of, hear and have dreams about something inappropriate, especially something related to paedophilia, abuse and incest, I experience weird feelings of excitement, curiosity and interest alongside urges that target my brother. Please, tell me, how is this not paedophilia? I can feel it in my body. I can it feel it in my mind. I can feel it in my heart. I am a peadophile. Even now, while I'm typing this out, I'm feeling really strong feelings everywhere in my body, and I think I can go as far as saying that I like them. I want this to end. I can't live with myself knowing that I've abused my brother and am capable of abusing him more. I am a monster! Everything bad and shameful that I've done for the past 10 years or so has recently resurfaced and it kills me, knowing that I am this sick, disgusting person and that I've hurt so many people. I'm sorry.
  7. Thank you so much, @hazydaze. You are very kind! I just made another appointment with the GP for this afternoon. I'm really scared as I don't know what the outcome will be, but I will go for it. If it's okay with you, I will let you know how it goes.
  8. Thank you, @OxCD. I've calmed down now. I still feel ashamed and guilty, but at least the panic is gone. Of course, I'm back to worrying about the old stuff now. Even though it's not helpful, I keep replaying the moments when I think I abused my brother, but I still can't figure out why I did such things.
  9. I'm sorry. This is really bad. Before my brother went to bed, we were sitting on the sofa and watching tv together. I felt such strong and overwhelming feelings of attraction, as well as urges, and now I'm in complete panic. I know that posting here won't help me, but I just think this is horrible and don't know how to deal with it on my own.
  10. I'm sorry, @OxCD. You are right, I refuse to listen, even though I do want to listen. I just don't know how this is not abuse. And top of everything, I think I'm back at experiencing feelings of attraction for my brother. It's awful because they are incredibly real and disgusting.
  11. Thank you everyone for your help. I was busy all day so I didn't call the GP. If I have the courage, I will definitely call them tomorrow. I know this is the same thing but I just feel terrible. I have these overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame and I just don't know how to cope with them. Last night my boyfriend tried to help me understand that things are not always black and white, but I just can't help feeling like I abused my brother. I honestly feel like I'm not allowed to live anymore. This is clearly not OCD. I've never seen anyone with OCD do such terrible things, like I did. I admit, there are moments when I want to believe that this OCD, and try to calm myself down by saying that it's not all my fault, but at this point it feels like an excuse. Also, even though I want to be reported and let the appropriate authorities know what's going on, I'm scared to do it. I'm scared to lose everything I have. I'm way too scared. And I've just realised how selfish this is, and how this is what a typical abuser would think/say - I don't care about my brother, I only care about myself. I feel lost. I'm sorry.
  12. I'm sorry, I didn't do it. I just talked to my boyfriend about how I think I abused my brother. I explained that I kissed my brother as in impulse after having sexual feelings in my body. He said that I'm probably reading too much into it and that's not what actually happened. But that's the thing: that's what actually happened. I kissed my 8 years old brother after having a sexual feelings in my body. Not once, not twice, but four times. I would never want to do it. I would never want to hurt my brother. But despite all this I still did it. I'm sorry. Please, someone? What do I do now? I can't go to the GP and tell that I've abused my brother. I should but where do I get the courage from to do it?!
  13. As stupid as this sounds, I just don't have the courage to ring them.
  14. I'm sorry, but I can't do it, at least not today. I suppose that people are not answering my questions because it's all true - I abused my brother.
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