Cora

That's okay, malina, no need to apologise. I've asked for my account to be closed. I'm not sure if it will but it doesn't matter because I'm leaving the forums anyway. I won't post anymore because it's pointless and I can really see it. I'm not going to get better any time soon and I'm not ready to listen to anyone. I do want to thank everyone for all the help, support and advice, and for being there for me. I wish you all the best and good luck.

Okay, I understand.

I guess you're not. But I would still go for an evaluation if it means it can be an explanation to these thoughts and feelings. And there's nothing I can do about the therapy. It's not up to me but to them and their availability. I understand that I'm annoying but I genuinely feel like it's not normal to have these feelings and thoughts about a loved one.

Absolutely and I'm really sorry if I make it sound like someone's life is worthless by saying mine is because of specific thoughts and feelings. I would never dare to say that.

Thank you, @howard and @Caramoole. Caramoole, but how do Iive without having a solution for all these weird and creepy feelings?

That's the thing, snowbear, that I'm not a strongly emotional person. I think I'm quite the opposite given the recent events. I felt nothing when my boyfriend's dad passed away even though I really wanted to do. I rarely feel anything while watching and listening to what's happening in Gaza (actual footage not western media's version) even though I really want to. I actually feel the opposite. I don't really want to say what I feel but it's evil. I'm very problematic and I need to figure out what this is. Maybe I have some form of sadism/psychopathy and I need to get evaluated? Feeling like you enjoy seeing people hurt and murdered is not a normal thing and I've had it since I was a teenager. I'm not sure if I need to speak to someone about this and how I would even do it. This is a really huge problem for me.

@Caramoole, can having OCD make everything feel so much stronger, and I mean everything? Maybe it is normal to have this kind of thoughts about your partner. But I experience them with a very high level of disliking and even disgust, which goes away after a day or two. But for those two days I feel like I hate my boyfriend just because one minor thing, even his physical appearance. I don't know if OCD has anything to do with that or if there is something really, really wrong with me, as I can go from loving to hating him in just one day. And for context, we rarely argue, we are best friends and love each other's company; he's amazing to me all the time so I literally have no reason to feel this way. I swear, I feel like I'm losing my mind, I just can't with all of this, one thing after another, on and on...

I'm not sure if this what it is. I'm not obsessed by his physical feature and it's not intense and overwhelming which BDD is.

Thank you, @deValentin and @Caramoole. My shame and guilt doesn't come from judging (because frankly even though I know it's not healthy I do it quite a lot) but whom I'm judging. If it's my boyfriend or my best friend, I struggle to understand it, especially when I know for sure they wouldn't judge me, or at least not like this. And it's also the fact that it keeps happening. I understand that as a person I still have to work on myself a lot before I can say I'm decent (well, I see myself as evil so I guess that'll take the rest of my life, really) but when it comes to these two people in my life, who've been the greatest, most understanding, most loving and caring, it's not fair for me to think and behave this way, yet I still do it. A part of me wants to be really evil in those moments and I can feel that, I genuinely can. @Caramoole, you have given an example about a stranger, but, if it's okay for me to ask, have you ever had such thoughts and feelings about your partner? Because I think there is a big difference between a stranger and your loved one who's not done anything to upset you. I just feel so, so ashamed and weird about all of this.

My boyfriend shaved his beard the other day a lot of more than he normally does. We were talking over whatsapp yesterday and he was holding the phone at a angle that made me think 'Ah, he looks ridiculous' and I felt like I really meant it. During the rest of the call I had a feeling of wanting to mock him in an abusive way and I felt like I truly enjoyed it. At work I kept thinking about that and the feeling of enjoying mocking him grew stronger and stronger. I did not have the mental capacity to try to understand that because I was really tired, so I left it alone. But then today we spoke again and the same thing happened. I kept thinking how he was unattractive with his beard like that and kept having feelings of strong dislike towards him. At one point, I felt sadistic because those feelings were turned into disgust and I kept looking away which in my head was like a form of punishment. This is not the first time it happenes. I periodically have moments where I feel like I actually don't like my boyfriend and feel real feelings of disgust. And I feel like I'm punishing him for that by telling him off on random things. I genuinely don't know what to do with this. What in the world is this and why am I so evil? Like I said, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

@Caramoole, I've calmed down but I still feel incredibly guilty for doing all of that. I know that even if I move on from this, it will always be there to haunt me, especially during the good times, like when I visit my friend or when we spend some lovely time together.

I feel really guilty about what happened with my friend. I wish I didn't think any of those thoughts. I hate that I'm in this place and that I keep messing everything up.

I feel so, so helpless and guilty. I might not be evil compared to some humans (if we can call them that) but I'm showing signs of something that resembles evilness, for sure. There is something really bad and rotten about me, but I can't understand why. Why do I have to be like this despite really not wanting it?

I'm sorry but I'm not challenging the thoughts; I struggle very much to do so because it's a 24/7 thing which makes everything feel hopeless.

Thank you, @deValentin, for this.