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Cora

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  1. Hi, I'm struggling with an incident that happened earlier in the day. My little brother (who is 10) was feeling upset and I decided I wanted to give him a hug to try make him feel a bit better. He was sitting on his bed and when I was hugging him I was sitting behind him. My arm was under his armpit, on his chest area. Out of nowhere I started squeezing (I think I did it twice) that part of his body and I am very sure it was his breast or at least the area next to it. I have no clue why I did that, it was very random. I don't think I had any bad intention and there was no intrusive thought or urge before the incident. I promise, I have no idea why I did it. I'm not sure how to understand what happened. I have tried to assign it very little meaning because not all things have to mean something but I can't stop seeing it as a very weird and inappropriate moment. The worst part is that after that happened my brother seemed even more upset. I started thinking that I made him feel uncomfortable and that I abused him. I did ask if he was upset with me/with something I had done but he said it wasn't me. But maybe he just doesn't know how to express those feelings and he really feels abused. What do you think of this?
  2. @PolarBear, from a non-OCD perspective, don't I sound like an awful human being? This is not the first time such a thing has happened and from the looks of it, it will most definitely happen again, unfortunately. Isn't it disgusting to become so obsessed about someone when you're in a happy relationship? Isn't it disgusting to feel like you constantly want someone else and then see your partner, hug and kiss them, and pretend that what you had thought and felt a few minutes before that doesn't matter? I can't help but feel like there is truly something fundamentally wrong with me. I have an amazing boyfriend and we're in great relationship, yet I do these things.
  3. Thank you, @northpaul. Do I accept this as another OCD "incident", avoid dwelling on it, avoid ruminating and going over every little detail from that evening, and just move on? I'm not sure, @PolarBear. I just saw my boyfriend and he was so happy and said I was awesome. Imagine how I felt in that moment. Even though I haven't actually cheated, it does feel like it. I feel horrible.
  4. I want to add that even when I was talking with my boyfriend last night, I was still thinking about the colleague, who was standing not that far away from us. Also, when I say obsessing, I probably mean fantasising. I wish I had stopped. I could have stopped. And I should have stopped. But I didn't.
  5. Hello everyone, Firstly, I want to start by thanking @Saffron37, @discuccsant, @snowbear and @Caramoole for helping me and offering my advice and support on my last thread. And I would also like to apologise for being absent and not replying. I'm back with quite a lot of anxiety. I did another stupid thing and I just feel completely awful at the moment. I've had quite a few challenging weeks and it has not been getting any easier (not even a little bit) and having this on top makes it all more difficult. Okay, so the problem is the following. Two nights ago I had a sexual dream about my male colleague at work. He is a few years younger than me, a tall and attractive fella. Yesterday at work I started noticing and focusing on little details, such as his smile, the colour of his eyes, the way he spoke to me and small gestures directed to me that I found sweet. That made me think that he has a crush on me or that he likes me. He obviously doesn't as he's in a happy relationship. Moreover, it made me think that I like him and would love to know what it is like to be in a relationship with him. My shift is not so long, only 6 hours, and I spent 4 hours from a total 6 obsessing about him liking me and me liking him. I even forgot to text my boyfriend, which is a thing I always do, around 8pm, to make sure he's up in time for work - and I completely forgot about him. At one point, the same colleague was standing very close to me and even though I tried to move a few steps away from him, I don't exactly remember if I actually did that. But I do remember that I kind of enjoyed him being so close to me. And this morning, it felt like if he or anyone else that I like that is not my boyfriend would make a move (touch me or kiss me) I would let it happen and go with it. Which makes me think that I could cheat so easily and shouldn't be in a relationship. Once again, all I want to do is to tell my boyfriend what happened. But how can I? I've already been selfish and cruel enough by confessing to him a few days ago about how I found the new manager really attractive and felt some sort of satisfaction when making eye contact with him a few times. And even worse, I feel like I want to break up with him. I'm supposed to be happy instead of this sad, pathetic and useless creature that I am right now as it's his birthday in a few days. What a greater gift than a confession about how you find so many other men attractive and how you'd enjoy a relationship with them, right? I'm not going to confess but this is killing me. I feel like a piece of ****. What is your advice? Do you think there is something really wrong with me and maybe it would be better if I weren't in a relationship? I know it's probably stupid to ask this but I cannot sit with this anxiety and pretend like something this big isn't happening. Thank you for reading this.
  6. And another thing to add. Sometimes, right before I have the thoughts, there is this feeling of excitement/curiosity/(sick) desire so it's almost like I want the thought to pursue the feeling in some way or another. I sound twisted and screwed up, don't I?
  7. Thank you, @Bev53and @Saffron37. I think mine comes in a different shape. I don't think I can explain it clearly but it almost feels like it's part of my personality/character. Sometimes I don't even feel anxious and it still happens. For example, I could look at my boyfriend's face while talking to him and then I randomly think to myself that I want to imagine something horrible about him or harming him in a grotesque way. And then I do it. I think about it. I imagine it. Which means I invite the terrible thoughts in and I go with them. But it's not happening to test myself or my reaction to them - and I'm completely sure about that. The anxiety only comes after. It feels very evil. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.
  8. Hi @PolarBearand @Caramoole, Thank you so much for replying. This matters to me. And I know the answer is to just not think thoughts on purpose but that comes almost as in impulse and it seems like a normal, natural reaction of my mind so even if I try hard enough, I still do it. These thoughts stem from somewhere very rotten and I'm simply disgusted and scared of myself. Caramoole, I asked snowbear to remove my post (I tried messaging you as well but it didn't work) because I kept reading it and realised I shared too many awful details. I'm really struggling today. Every other hour my 'themes'/obsessions/worries switch between them and I find it hard to function. I have an assignment to submit today and I'm only half way through. There's this thought about my parents having sex that I keep thinking about - I feel no disgust towards it, more like curiosity and pleasure. And then there's also the sadist/psycopath worry. And then thinking about all the moments I had a thought or a sensation and then did something physical in response to that - I know the acts themselves, such as petting the dog, touching your brother's arm, looking at someone, are not abusive or harmful but I'm still concerned about their intentions and circumstances. There's also seeing something on TV about a child and then having a 15 minutes paedophilia moment where you feel an arousal, smile, feel like you are enjoying it. And then there's racism as well. And so many more. I feel abnormal and I want it to stop.
  9. Unfortunately, no, I can't even do that that. I'm trying but I keep failing.
  10. Thank you, @Symps07, @northpaul and @Angst. I find it very hard to do something enjoyable and positive at the moment. I feel very stressed because this is just one of the many obsessions I currently have - there are about 5 and they are extremely exhausting, especially the possibility of me being a psycopath/sadist and a pervert. On top of that, I have my dissertation to work on, which is going terribly bad, and two other assignments; and they all have to be completed within less than 2 weeks.
  11. Hello everyone, Do you think I'm allowed to forgive myself for the thoughts on purpose that I've had if I truly and deeply regret having them? I've developed a new 'theme' recently, (about racism), and I've already had a few thoughts on purpose in relation to it. What happened was that I was having a thought, realised it was bad but felt curious and excited to carry on with it so I did. Of course, I deeply regret that now. I'm not sure if I deserve self forgiveness. But at the same time if I let myself going down the rabbit hole by trying to understand why these deliberate thoughts happen, I'll end up in horrible state. I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone (this is what my brain is telling me at the moment).
  12. @discuccsant, thank you for sharing all of this with me. And I'm sorry you struggled so much. I do agree that out stories are similar and even though it's in a sad circumstance, I'm glad that I'm not the only one dealing with this. But there are still things that separate my story from yours. While I do very clearly see how in your case it's OCD, I struggle to see how it's the same for my case. But you are probably right, I just have to take a leap of faith.
  13. I do understand that. What I don't understand is the desire to carry on with the thought, or bring it in on purpose despite being extremely disgusting. If it's okay, I'll give an example. Let's say my dad and younger brother (he's 10) are playing and being cuddly together, dad sits on the sofa and then brother sits on his lap. I'm right next to them, on the other side of the sofa, and I'm starting to see this scenario as a sexual one - I don't know how but it happens. I'm starting to get an arousal and a few seconds later I feel that I'm enjoying it. Instead of accepting that it's just a thought and feeling and moving on, I have this immense urge/desire to keep looking at them and making very, very dirty scenarios in my head. I do for a fraction of second, the arousal gets stronger, the feeling of enjoyment gets even more overwhelming, and the urge to keep thinking about the scenario increases. So... it feels like a fantasy. A fantasy of my dad and brother. This desire is very hard to control. Maybe it's because it's a real desire? I don't know.
  14. Okay, @discuccsant, I understand. Thank you!
  15. Thank you, @discuccsant. But this is what worries me: It happens as a feeling, yes, but it's more like an urge or a desire, it feels like I want to engage with it not because I want to reduce my anxiety but because it feels like a desire. It's the same with wanting to have thoughts on purpose if I see anything remotely sexual, which can be about parents, younger brother, pets and random strangers. Again, it feels like a desire. In both cases, in that moment both my mind and body want the thought and want the incident to be prolonged. I tried to explain this to my therapist and we even did some exposures regarding this but I don't think it made sense to her when I said I want these things. This is why I feel like there's something wrong about me. I try to control my behaviour but I still have these desires/urges and I end up doing things that I shouldn't. And even worse, I only feel bad for doing them, or feel regret and shame, after it happens, not before or during.
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