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  1. And then guess what, today I got another memory of when I had a very, very, very strong sexual urge towards my boyfriend's dog and then immediately after I gave him a stroke. It's crazy. Every single day is like this. I'm really sorry. I'm trying to use the advice but it's so, so difficult when the memories are about such awful incidents.
  2. It's like you were in my head, @discuccsant - you described absolutely perfectly how my mind works. I really, really wish I didn't have to deal with so, so many incidents. As you say, I'm sure I would be able to move on from one big incident much easier than a thousand of tiny ones that happen frequently. It makes me so mad and angry that I have all these incidents to worry about. It's the worst burden. It's like carrying rocks on your shoulders from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed, and only get some sort of relief when you are deeply involved in some activity or spend time with someone else, such as friends and family. I just want some relief and peace. Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to help me - I really appreciate it!
  3. Thank you so very much for this amazing explanation, @discuccsant. And thank you, @Caramoole. I've tried to do better today but I failed yet again. It's very hard.
  4. Well, it didn't help. Still feeling awful. @Caramoole, this is so hard. Every day there's something else. Every single day my brain tells me I'm awful and only deserve bad things. Every single day my brain tells me I'm disgusting. And how can I not agree with my it if there's so much "evidence"? I know I shouldn't complain because I've had the greatest help for the past 3 years but this is awful.
  5. Today is a bad day. I was watching something on netflix and it had a sex scene, which caused an arousal in my body. As soon as I started feeling the arousal I had another memory pop back into my mind of about two years ago. I've mentioned before that sometimes I would cross/press my thighs together both when I'm in a stressful situation and when I'm sexually aroused. I did it a lot of times while having intrusive thoughts and urges before but that's the not the bad thing. The bad thing is that I did it, without planning, twice, I believe, with my brother in the same room - and by that I mean he would enter my room while I was doing it. This is bad because doing this very weird thing leads to a sensation in my groinal area which feels nice. And now my brain is associating this with child abuse because I basically pleasures myself next to a child. I'm not sure whether this is indeed child abuse. It could be but I really hope it's not. I'm feeling very irritated and upset today and having another doubt again is just so much. I don't really know why I'm here. I mean, I really wanted to confess this but other than that I don't know what I want by posting this.
  6. I'm still stuck, to be honest. I can feel how my brain wants me to keep debating this subject. It drives me crazy because I have this massive urge to keep looking for answers even though I have one. And I know that this answer makes perfect sense but to my brain it just doesn't seem enough. How do I make it want to stop debating and look for other answers and explanations?
  7. Thank you so very much for your help, @Saffron37 and @Caramoole. Thank you for the recommendation, @Saffron37, I promise I will give it a go. Also, I wanted to say that I'm sorry you're struggling as well and I can only imagine how hard it must be. I wish you lots of strength and I hope you can get better.
  8. But isn't this the opposite of what OCD is about? Am I not supposed to be disgusted by these thoughts if I truly fear that I could be a paedophile?
  9. It's the wanting to keep reading and watching when I clearly was aware of the content and the very sick curiosity of wishing to find very disturbing details in those stories that makes me so upset. I haven't mentioned this before but I also felt like I wanted to keep reading/listening to the stories because it seemed like I wanted to masturbate to them (even though I never did - but it felt like I really wanted to). It's very weird but it's like I was reading something so I could feel aroused and do something about it - like a paedophile would do. Ugh... this drives me crazy, I swear! I just want to hit my head against a wall because I'm too tired of going round and round in circles.
  10. It's just so hard, @Caramoole. Some things I do and think are so awful and that's why I'm so stuck.
  11. Thank you so very much for your help, @Saffron37 - I really really appreciate it. Everything you said makes so much sense and I want so badly to accept that is was only a compulsion and not something (more) horrible, but the fact that I really wanted to keep reading/watching those things because I liked the way the arousal felt makes me doubt so much. I have other compulsions and I'm aware what they are but in that case I was convinced it was a desire or something I want to do because I wanted to enjoy it.
  12. I do have this thought almost all the time. The arousal happened as soon as I saw the words 'child' and 'sex' in the same context. It was almost like a reflex. I saw the words together in the same scenario, I got an arousal, as I kept reading the arousal got stronger and stronger (and it felt more and more enjoyable) and then because of how strong it was I wanted to keep reading. I don't exactly know how many seconds it took me before I realised that I had to stop that whole mess going in my body, but it was probably more than a couple of seconds, maybe 30 seconds, or maybe even a whole a minute, which sounds bad in my head.
  13. I just wanted to add, @Saffron37, that I'm worried it's not a compulsion. It doesn't feel like one because in that moment I'm not really checking for anything. All I can think about in that moment is the arousal and how I want to keep having it, and that's all.
  14. Thank you very much for replying, @discuccsant. I would love to bot give meaning to those incidents, but it seems impossible. And it's not because of the arousal but because I wanted to keep having the arousal and didn't stop reading about those abuse stories. I feel like I should have looked away but I just couldn't help myself.
  15. Hi @Saffron37, Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I do find it helpful, so if you still want to, you can explain point number 2.
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