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Mycoral1998

Bulletin Board User
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About Mycoral1998

  • Birthday 07/11/1998

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Shanghai

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  1. Just a quick question, is it normal for some obsessions to be a lot harder to coherently be able to work on recovery for? For example, as horrible as POCD is, if I stop compulsions and keep at it consistently within weeks I feel a lot better and am able to be consistent to the point now I laugh at some of the stuff I worried about and shrug it off but with other obsessions it seems no matter how hard I try for weeks to stop compulsions and even when I successfully keep at it, the dreaded feelings and anxiety never seems to go away and I end up stuck on a particular obsession for what seems like, forever. I'm also trying exposure but when I try to trigger myself it doesn't seem to work? I'm flooding my brain with everything I fear but it never feels quite how it does when I randomly get triggered. So then I try to allow myself to deal with the anxiety being there when I randomly get triggered and it does pass, but I just feel like I'm trying so hard for weeks and weeks to not ruminate, not fight my anxiety and for particular obsessions it seems to all be for nothing because they are still strong, yet with other obsessions I put in the work and they fade. I don't understand the logic here as I'm told stopping compulsions works but it only does for some obsessions. I feel lost here or maybe I really am doing something wrong or slipping up in regards to some obsessions. Maybe some obsessions are a lot more personal and scary to me so they're harder to break the fear? Any thoughts?
  2. The guilt/confession aspect seems impossible for me to deal with. I've spoken to many people and seen a lot of answers online that say your partner HAS to know if you aren't attracted because it's unfair to them for them to be in a relationship with someone who isn't attracted, it's important they know so they can make the decision on whether they want to stay or find someone who finds them beautiful. It just feels incredibly deceiving on my part that I've had these thoughts every day for half a year and I feel anxious all the time and it feels rational now, I feel like I "know" the thoughts are true. Every single picture of her I'm terrified of. But it's so weird even though I'm convinced I'm still desperate to try and prove some attraction so that it means I don't have to confess. I want to be with her so badly I'm so in love with her but everyone says it's not fair to her if you're hiding that big thing. But I don't want to tell her, she's very insecure. It's like I have no option but to be friends with her and just remain in agony forever. It really does seem inevitable in terms of confessing. I cry every day I'm so overwhelmed. Love is a choice so I say to myself I'm choosing to love her which is fine, but attraction isn't a choice. And it's deceiving to choose to love someone whilst hiding something like that. I don't know...
  3. I'm working on fears of "Do I find my gf attractive?" and it's easily my longest OCD obsession in history. I've never obsessed so vigorously all day every day for months like I have been over this. It feels more real than any of my harm and illness fears. I realize it's going to be 100 times more harder to let this fear go because of the amount of months and time I've put into compulsions over this fear but I'm starting to think it's impossible to get out of this mess. I recently tried my hardest to avoid compulsions for a week, obviously I slipped up a lot and ruminated but I kept snapping myself into the present. My worry is that I will always have anxiety, that dreaded feeling in my stomach and chest all day everyday for months even when I resist for quite a while it never goes. How long would it take to get rid of this feeling of horrendous guilt, anxiety? Most people seem to stop compulsions for a week and they feel better and I did have that success with previous fears? but with this I can never get rid even when I'm sure I'm stopping compulsions. The one compulsion I know would give me relief and end it for good is confessing but I really don't want to, but it seems inevitable. I'm worried it genuinely is real, like yes I have OCD but it doesn't mean this can't be real and I'm just obsessing over it. How can it not be real if it's something I "see" For my struggle with ERP is I'm not sure what I should be exposing myself to with this theme, I'm exposed constantly because I see and talk to her all the time so I'm constantly in a state of being triggered. Should I be agreeing with the fear? What sort of things should I be picturing/saying to myself? My anxiety is severe and I'm worried if it goes on I'll be suicidal. I feel evil and sick, like she deserves better. But I just don't wanna leave her, I love her so much but it's never enough unless I'm totally honest with her about this huge issue so she can make up her mind if she wants to be with someone who questions/doubts/sometimes even feels they "know" this fear is real about her.
  4. Thank you all for the help, I appreciate this so much it's nice to know there is probably a cause to all of this and I'm not just going crazy.
  5. Hello. I've been suffering a lot lately with which I hope is OCD. My friend was actually the one to tell me I might be suffering as she works in this area. I've had lots of fears in the past which, after research, seem to all relate to OCD. I have an upcoming assessment so hopefully I can start therapy and see what's up here. My problem is I have a gf, we haven't met yet but we plan to very soon. I'm plagued with anxiety about her looks, I've spent exactly 3 months day after day thinking about it, trying to work out if I'm attracted. Each day I cry and feel like I'm having panic attack because of guilt and an overwhelming need to tell her as I feel it's the only way to rid this guilt and then I won't care. But I don't want to hurt her, I want her to feel like the most lovable gorgeous person in the world. So I've been holding off for months but I can't function in my life because the dreaded feeling is always there. The first time I saw a picture of her I felt infatuated, then I would get scary thoughts that questioned my morals and hurting her, then when I saw more pictures it triggered this fear of not being attracted. I really looked at the pictures and felt pure fear. Now I genuinely feel like I'm not? Can OCD do that? It's hard to blame a disorder when it's something you can SEE. I just want to be able to love her and not feel guilt and feel like I'm lying every single day. I feel suicidal sometimes, feeling like this can never go away. My brain picks at her face and I feel awful because I love her more than anything and to me, she's perfect. But I feel like I'm lying to myself, it feels 100% like denial. I'm able to deal with "what if you don't love her" thoughts as I practice seeing love as a choice, as because I can't see it, it makes it easier to cope with than this attraction fear. I just don't know what to do, I want to be with her more than anything but I feel like I have no right to be with someone if I'm "hiding" such a big thing and she deserves someone who is attracted. The most relief I've got is I had 4 days of not obsessing and I tried to look at her again but it made the obsessing start up immediately. I'm at my wits end. Can anyone help me?
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