really in need of help here. Having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts (I won’t though)
I’m 40, I have had ocd all my life. It flared up when I was 17 and I was first diagnosed and got treatment at around 23/24. After that I did 2 years of cbt and ERP and luckily I had very few symptoms after for almost 10 years. And my whole life changed for the better. In the last 4/5 years I have had big relapses and been in and out of therapy with vary degrees of success. I’m currently back in therapy and I’m really not doing well. In fact I feel like I am worse than 20 years ago. A lot of my ocd was pocd and I was very scared of inappropriate touching or even contact with kids at all. For 2 years or more I couldn’t pick up or hold my nieces and nephews, I would always make an excuse. Anyway, last night I woke up with a memory in my mind. Not a false one, I know for certain the event happened as I had spoken about it before immediately at the time. I was about 18/19 we were playing football in my friends and I was tackling his younger brother. He was about 12/13. He got into the very corner of the yard to shield the ball from me, so that both of his hands were against the two corner walls. I was behind him trying to kick the ball out from under him. We were kind of jostling and in a split second I became very aware that my crotch was right behind his bottom. It wasn’t touching exactly, but I was aware of our proximity, and I don’t know how to describe this but it’s almost like if someone is that close to you (particularly down there) you can almost “feel it” before you actually make contact. The next bit all occurred with in a split second. Thoughts racing through my head of “what if I touch him there” or the knowledge that I’m so close to doing that but I can’t. Like the classic OCD example of “what if I drop the baby” or “what if I suddenly Pushed that person onto the tracks” except in this instance, a slight movement would mean it’s done. In a plait second I’m thinking “do it, don’t do it, don’t do it “ etc and then I did, I just pushed my crotch into his bottom and it’s almost like for that second I gave in and allowed myself to do it. Like I relaxed into it and let it happen. Possibly a very instinctive thing to do, like I didn’t know it had happened really until I had done it. Or like a moment where I just wanted to stop the “do it, don’t do it” voice in my head. The second it happened I felt sick to my stomach. I faked an injury (luckily we were playing football) and went home. I immediately told my mam. She dismissed it as my OCD. It didn’t help. Such was the frequency of my thoughts and obsessions at the time this incident and the worry it caused was replaced within a day or two with something else. Eventually having gone to therapy i began to focus less on incidents and more on the condition as a whole, and within a year or so I had finally conquered this thinking. Yet I still woke up last night with this in my mind and I convinced it means I sexually assaulted my friends brother at the time, or that I rubbed off him like that for sexual gratification. I really cannot see a way that that isn’t the case. Can anyone please please give some advice or clarity I’m at my wits end and I don’t want to live.