I need your help. I'm a 19 year old girl which identifies as heterosexual.
Last three months were really stressful for me. Like a lot, for lots of reasons - health, family, relationships,.. won't explain into detail.
A month ago I went to a ball. My best friend broke up with his gf. I found out because I saw him kissing a different girl and I was so shocked. Then I saw his now ex crying. I went up to her, hugged and told her that if she needed to talk I'm here. I also told some people about the breakup, I found it quite shocking.
I hugged her because I wanted to, without any other intentions or anything (I just don't remember wanting to be with her or kiss her or feeling attracted to her, nothing, just hugged her because I wanted to),I don't think she's attractive (I've known her for a year, maybe more, I was always judging her and so on, even thought she was quite ugly at times).
But, the next day, my head was like "omg did you wanna hug her? You never wanna hug people like that!" (It's true im not a person who's like really touchy or something, but I recall hugging like three people at the ball and I definitely wanted to hug all of them😂 I hugged my crying schoolmate - a girl- like ten seconds after that.)
But my head won't let me rest since that moment. I go into my past and search for evidence that I'm gay, I searched on Google for like ten hours, the thoughts are always there and are making me so, so scared. I had a few panic attacks because of it and I can't sleep. I feel like I've lost my attraction towards boys, I don't dream about them like I used to. I always loved boys, I had two long relationships, always loved to flirt with them and never had any interest in being with a girl. I am just so scared, the thoughts won't go away. I ask people for reassurance, but my head is like "you're in denial!". But deep down I'm like but I just hugged her, I didn't mean it in any way, I don't wanna be with her.
When the thoughts come, it makes me feel like I want to be with her and that I think she's so beautiful and so on (but that's so weird, like a month ago I was judging her a lot thinking nothing romantic or sexual AT ALL) and there are these images in my head that are really stressful. I don't even know if I like them or not anymore. When i have this thought I feel like I HAVE to react to it and do all these checks and go through things and reassure myself. I cant live normal life anymore, I just spend all the time with the thoughts.
Also, I can't listen to certain songs, see some words like gay or bi, always check if I had a groinal response when I see other girls, always imagine if I want to date them. On one ball I went to I felt like I liked all the girls and I had a panic attack because of it.
My head is like you love her you love her, but like why?? Where does that come from?? I just hugged her. This girl is like the specific person and it's so scary. It's not like I am not scared about other girls too (I check them and think if I'm attracted to them or not or what ,you know, can't see pictures with girls, thought i also liked other girls than this one, think i like every girl on instagram, cant talk to my female friends without having to imagine kissing them and so,..). Its like everything connected to orientation is a trigger.
Anytime I see her I get so scared, like so scared.
I just wanna go back to how I felt before. I don't want to feel this. When I say I'm hetero it feels so right. When I say I'm bi, I'm just scared.
I don't know what's real anymore.
Sorry for this being so long.