Shauny

Thank you very much Gemma7. I really appreciate your reply. I will keep trying to learn about OCD and get the book you recommended. I don't think CBT is possible anytime soon as I cant have 2 therapies at once, which is a shame but I think I understand why. I will try to keep challenging it and hopefully the book will give me some solid pointers and help me to communicate these things a little better with my mum. I am definately having little victories and making headway, but it is so frustrating how slow and up and down change can be. I guess we will all have better days and harder days. I will take a look at the magazine you mentioned too. You are very right about the compassion. Its something I have always struggled to find for myself. It's what makes me so upset and hurts the most when I am so ashamed and angry at myself. I am doing mindfulness to try and better see when it's happening and take a step back from it sooner. Buts its tricky and again, will take time and patients. It feels nice to not feel so alone in this anymore and now I have worked out how to use a forum ? I will definitely come back. Thanks again for your help, Wishing you all the best

Hello! I am new to forums. I tried to find the Coronovirys and what to do topic referred to in other threads but cant find it. I am fairly sure I am experiencing contamination OCD. Since before lockdown I have developed very intense and overwhelming anxieties related to cleanliness and checking and have had 'rituals' to leave the house etc. Since lockdown these have multiplied and worsened and i am spilling these over onto my mum, who I am staying with during this time. I have always had severe worries and was diagnosed with generalised anxiety since I was a kid. I have noticed compulsive behaviour become more powerful over the last few months. For the first time I read up on OCD and feel like this accurately describes the mental processes and responses that are going on for me. I am determined to try and better understand and then challenge the way I interpret my thoughts but I am struggling and feel alone and very ashamed, especially when they result in my mum feeling she has to take part in them and this impacts her life and mental health. For example she wanted to go to the post office yesterday and I got upset so she didnt go. I know this is meant to ease my anxiety but is feeding into these thoughts and worsening my shame and worry over my impact on her. My mum is so desperate to ease and prevent me from getting so upset that she hasn't gone to the shops for all of lockdown and I know it's really just wearing both of us out and harming healthy boundaries. I acknowledge that it makes both if us stressed and exhausted. I have really been trying so hard to challenge the lower level anxieties, I was dealing with all the post with gloves and wiping them down. Now mum does her's most of the time but she still feels she has to leave them the time I seem necessary to be 'safe'. I deal with food deliveries and spray everything and have been trying to reduce these behaviours, and have done, but I know deep down it is most likely totally unnecessary. The thoughts are still very strong. The guilt and shame and self criticism or criticism of her behaviours (I.e. not doing things 'right') are very present still and I am still controlling so many aspects of her life. It is so painful to see it unfolding and know it problematic. I am trying so hard but still not always succeeding to let the thoughts go without carrying out the cyclical thinking and compulsions. I am in long term therapy (for complex trauma) and it is very helpful and really helping me to understand my habits of thinking and is helping me make deeply meaningful changes within myself, but this massive spike of worry and associated behaviour is dominating both our lives. We are safe but I am trapping us. I wanted to see if there were any suggestions on how I might be able to challenge and make adjustments in my thinking and behaviours and the impact i have on my mum's practical and emotional living. I don't know where the line is between sensible precautions and OCD is or when and how I need to try and work through my fears. Its complicated by the fact that I have a weakened immune system and complex longterm health conditions and she is 70. I want to change, and I am managing, slowly to, but I feel a heavy need to do better faster and don't trust myself to do what is needed. Sorry for it being such a long message! There's so much in my head almost all the time and I feel so often that I am not understood. Thanking you for reading this. Wishing you all the best. ?