I know I said I won't be back here without confirming if it's ocd. But I'm vacillating between two choices. I need help deciding.
1. I'll visit my psychiatrist next week, and ask her if she could take me off of antidepressants, if she says yes, then I will. If she says no, then I still will wean off of my medication, fool my parents into thinking the psychiatrist gave me the green light. I'm on a low dose of quetiapine and lexapro and the effect has been tremendous. I fear that they'd just up my dosage without actually hearing me out "again". I can't feel anything genuinely good. I'm aspiring to be an artist and I don't feel that transcending state I used to feel. I like to call it, "being on the zone". It's making me panic, I need my emotions and inspiration back. She kept upping the dosage and told me "I need to get rid of the depression". Even though, I think it's OCD? Because I have obsessions, mental compulsions. I've been looking up articles about the effects of long term usage of antidepressants and I can't sleep. I've read stories like Kanye West's. Like, I know how many people can't empathize because he did some unacceptable things recently, but I do know what it feels like when you can't access your creative genius. It might be irresponsible to do what he did... but again no one gets it unless they're in the same situation. Like I'd happily take these, if there's no side effects, If I feel like it won't change me as a person. It feels like I'm drinking poison. I've been on it for 7 months and I really don't like how it's making me feel, although the anxiety is gone. I'm afraid that if I continue it, I won't have myself back and it's... driving me crazy. I would rather die than be forced to pursue another life path that I don't enjoy. I also need to add that I felt the depression after taking these medications. Like I feel hopeless and worse on it. I've been listening to podcasts and how a lot of people are anti-medication,,, and that it's possible to recover without it. If I do quit, I'll look for a therapist who specializes in the disorder and have it confirmed. I promise that I'll find a work and do therapy right away if it ever was confirmed. But ofc, I can't stop thinking about the cons, what if the anxiety and intrusive thoughts come back tenfold, would I still be able to work? Am I gonna be stuck here regretting discontinuing the medication. But I will practice cbt and erp and mindfulness. At the same time, i would also confirm it's ocd if it comes back as I'm aware medication isn't enough. It's different before, I might have my intrusive thoughts but atleast I have something enjoyable to fall into, something that I would genuinely feel something for... no matter how much my brain attacks these passions, atleast I still can think of concepts maybe make a poem out of this. It won't rule out these career that I dreamt of ever since I was a kid. Not like this, the antidepressants added more problem and now I don't know what career to take bc it felt like I lost my talent... and my love for it. I went from not being depressed to suicidal depressed.
2. I have a to-do list before finding a job,,, will collect more information on ocd, try different things again (watch anime, documentary, read novels, read that serial killer magazine again, watch movies/tv shows, the news, go back to practicing astrology and tarot reading, see if i feel something) and analyze how I feel about things (although now I 100% don't feel empathy and passion and it's making me feel like my fears are actually becoming true), I'm just gonna analyze if I'll have them back. itd feel like I'm just prolonging recovery.... and the longer I'm on antidepressants, the more distressing I feel bc it might get to a point where the effects are irreversible and ack! I'm panicking.... I'm panicking... I'm panicking to the point that I have a hard time getting to sleep. No matter how much my sister and mom talk me out of it, I can't. I estimated that I'd finish this to-do list by january and I might get a job by february, and get my salary after that... 11 months on antidepressants before I have someone who knows something about ocd check it. and 11 months is a long time... ._.
Help a girl out. What do you think is the best action to take? Thank you.
