NiGhT_OwL87

So now intrusive thoughts are appearing during intercourse, I also feel like my brain is searching for them. So basically I'll be in the motions , then it's like my brain goes in search of an intrusive image I've had earlier in the day. But isn't this me actively thinking the thought ? Sometimes if I'm just performing a mundane task my brain will remember I should be having intrusive thoughts and try and bombard me...but then doesn't that make them not intrusive and forced thoughts ? Although I don't want them

Just bumping this back up in the hope of a reply.

I would just like somebody to read my story and let me know if anyone has experienced anything similar. I will bump it back so everyone can see it. Thanks

Is there a reason on some posts nobody responds, I posted as a new member and I find it very unhelpful that nobody took the time to reply except somebody who works for the site. Is this as not to provide reassurance or is it another reason?

Anybody...

Thank you for your reply, because nobody else has replied it is making me think they might not think I have OCD? Or the things I'm saying is not something anyone else has experienced? Please could people explain if this is the case. Thanks

This is my first time posting and i just thought id tell my story so far as I'm struggling at the minute, instead of spending hours and hours trying to find someone with the exact same story as me ill just spit it out so here goes.. I am 33 years old and i think I've suffered with OCD since I was around ten years old, i am currently awaiting to speak to a therapist for some help and that will be my first time reaching out to anyone in over 20 years. In the early days ( oh how i wish this where the case now) it was mainly repeating actions and there was one time a voice came in my head whilst i sat by my dying Grandmas bedside saying ( die grandma), and then it kept on repeating and i just couldn't understand why. I obviously didn't want that as i loved her dearly and still miss her to this day, but i think that was one of my first memories of something not quite right. Moving forward i went though phases of skin picking, contamination fears to the point i used to bleach things, spend hours washing myself. I once took an STD test because someone kicked a used needle near me and even though i knew it didnt touch me i just couldnt accept that, i also questioned the negative results. This was all manageable though and i continued to be reasonably happy, then questions came about my sexuality on and off for years and i generally had it under control, the first time was someone called me gay in a dream and i spent a lot of time testing if i could get turned on imagining sex with men or women, this then phased off i think replaced by contamination fears until two times it hit me hard. The first was when i first got with my current partner, i got what i know is called a Groinal when i looked at a mans crotch at work...cue a year of reading on forums etc until it somehow eased off. This was followed a few years later by a memory of something i did as a child (9/10 years old) with a family member of the same sex one year older than me and this hit me particularly hard as i found it as hard evidence i had done something Gay, the way i got over this was after many weeks of research and mental rumination, i came to the conclusion i would never know what happened properly all those years ago and even so it had no bearing on who i was now, so i just used to shurg and say maybe ecerytime a thought popped up. I have always been attracted to women aside from a few times questioning which i presume could of been my OCD. To be honest though i still perform a compulsions now if i get a groinal to a man in any way, it normally comes as a jolt through my penis and then i have to make sure i get the same jolt to a benign picture or thought to neutralise it. I do not get this same reaction normally when i am aroused by my partner, although i do suffer with a lot of performance anxiety and take kamagra sometimes as i cant perform wearing a condom, just the process off putting one on makes me think i will lose an erection and then bham its gone. Whilst all this was manageable, although i know performing compulsions means you are destined to relapse, the current theme is so distressing to me the shurgging off the thoughts and maybe just wont work. I t has been creeping up for a while now i think of it, but it first started when i saw a picture of cristiano ronaldos statue head on two babies in nappies bodies (stupid i know) and a groinal shot through my penis, so i had to make sure it happendd again to something benign and i moved on. This started me on a path to where i am now, everytime i scrolled past a picture of a baby without realisng it its like my body created the lightning jolt (thats how i describe it, sort of like a strong pulse once) and i would have to neutralise it in my usual way. Two months ago whilst watching porn the womans head was replaced by my second cousins face, although blurry but she is only 10/11 and the face was possibly a memory from a picture when she was a lot younger. This sent a panic wave through me and i immediately focused on my genitals to check for a reaction, low and behold there was tingles in my testicles (not something ive ever noticed before) so i spent hours and hours for weeks re watching the same clip testing my reactions and i couldnt stop until i had no reaction. This was almost impossible and also my mind conjured new images so i had to neutralise them as well, i literally spent hours lay in the same position in the same clothing to re enact the event. i am still struggling with this now but when i try and think outside the box, i can feel that tingling in my testicles to anything , literally anything. This has now made me afraid of even walking past children, as on my way to work i had an intrusive flash image of my leaning and and touching a penis of one. So then i started looking away everytime one walked towards me, but then in turn this meant eveytime i see a child now a flash image of a naked childs body flashes in my mind. Its like im forcing the thought as i know its going to happen as soon as i see a child approaching, this never ever happened to me before not even with women i fancy, i just dont understand how my mind can create such thoughts. The second a child comes into view i try not to think anything and then Bham the thought appears, the problem is they seem graphic to me and as this is new to me its terryfying and makes me want to avoid going in shops r any chance encounters. Anyway sorry its so long but thats where im at now and i hope ive not bored anybody or sound too strange, i just cant seem to get past the current flashing images, and the more ive tried to stop it the more they appear. I have in the last spent time around family, friends kids walked past thousands of kids and never ever had these thoughts. I am really terrified i am becoming something i really dont even dare think about, the images dont repulse me but they do cause me to sweat and panic. Every second of every day is pretty much consumed now by why did i have the image, any slight bit of happiness my brain immediately reminds me about what ive been thinking. This along with some thoughts now entering my dreams as similar flashes and waking me up has mevery very distressed. Guess this is my hello to the forum, if anyone wants to message me or advise me if what im experiencing is in any way OCD or am i destined to become the things i fear. Thanks