I am asking for help about possible POCD. I have had sexual intrusive thoughts from a young age due to bring sexually confused becasue I was spanked by my father and felt violated. Even when I was really young I would think about it when I would masturbate. Years later I now look at really dark things for porn and struggle to know what I find attractive and what I am discusted by. I am VERY against all violence towards children and yet I find myself reading about it. It started with Mr reading stories on a site called Asstr. And I would masturbate to them. I would hate myself after and would never think about actually doing them. I would always think of myself as the one being abused when I was reading them. So now when I was doing research on the effects of abuse as child, images came up on Google that contained cartoons and drawing of children being spanked and canned on the bare buttocks. Again I couldn't tell how I felt about it. Sometimes it makes me feel sick and other times aroused and I would end up masturbating. Again think of myself being the child. It has made me panicked, thinking I'm going to be arrested and I am some kind of monster. I did report them but still ended up going back to them. I have had intrusive thoughts before but this is the worst. I am mostly not really attracted to anyone. I don't know what to do. How do I tell if I am a bad person. I find myself monitoring myself for signs of being tuned on all the time. The intrusive thoughts that include minors are only ever involving violent sexual acts and never normal sex. I am young and I feel like I have ruined my life. I can't even remember half the stuff I have read or what I search to find it. I really need help.
