ST85

Hi @Doubt_It, great to hear from you. I'm sorry you are going through this too as it is awful but I agree it is comforting to hear of another guy who has had a similar experience. That is exactly the same experience for me around big events. When it came to proposing to my wife I put it off for ages and when it came to it the proposal was actually comical as we were walking along the beach and I kept saying 'I have something to ask you' and then immediately said 'actually don't worry'. We actually reached the end of the beach before I managed to ask her! Getting engaged, buying our first house and getting married was perhaps when I was at my worst and it is so frustrating as it is the moments you want to enjoy. They are often stressful times though, especially buying a house, which can cause your OCD to flare up - that is certainly my experience. I have asked a specialist about ERP for this type of theme as I, like you, have no idea what that would look like. If they come back I will let you know but if you hear anything interesting in your other thread if you could let me know that would be great. I have had CBT in the past which helped other themes but for this one I just struggle to identify it as my OCD until I have fallen into the trap of unhelpful behaviours such as thinking about exes and comparing my wife to others. I am actually about to start Schema Therapy to help with this. I haven't seen much that suggests it is helpful for OCD after reading some discussions about this on the forums but I have been referred by a specialist after explaining what I have been going through. Fingers crossed it will help - I'll let you know if it does work.

It is a bit of a tricky one, we remained friends for two years but after I met my wife we lost contact. To be honest I have felt so guilty ever since that happened as I just stopped calling as even though I wanted to stay in touch my wife wasn't too comfortable with it. She wouldn't care less now and actually wants me to get back in touch with her and my other friends from Uni. We did see each other at a wedding years ago and she went out her way to ignore me. However, I think at that time it was still a bit raw whereas now we have both moved on and grown up a lot and have even reconnected on social media . I think when things get a bit clearer around if we can get together at some point this year after lock down I will get back in touch to invite her. It is very true that over time the people you find attractive changes - I love your example after watching the Beach! Thanks again Lonelygirl91 I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Hi Lonelygirl91, Thank you for taking the time to read my post and responding. You are of course right we did split up for a reason. Similar to your experience we did find that we changed over time and near the end of university we clashed a fair bit. Ultimately we wanted different things in the end, I wanted to get on and start my career and she really wanted to live abroad which she subsequently did which I was really pleased to hear. My wife and I are a much better match and I find I just can be myself around her and we have similar interests and humour which I don't think was always true with my ex. I don't think I have ever been in a relationship where I have felt so content (when I'm not feeling like this!). Over the years I have of course had the natural curiosity around what my ex is up to and every now and again would ask a mutual friend but I have never had a feeling like I wanted to get back with her. She was of course really important to me so I think hearing she had met someone would naturally make you think back but I guess it was then that my OCD decided to latch on to that thought and fill my head with doubts and questions as to why I was thinking like that. Despite recognising it is my OCD I am still struggling to get on top of the thoughts and I even woke up at 4am this morning with a thought and became so anxious I couldn't get back to sleep. However, I am going to be super busy with work this week and it is my wife's birthday so I am going to redirect my thoughts to that. I am however trying to organise a mini reunion with my friends from uni post lockdown (whenever that might be!) and I've contacted most people to see if they would be interested but I haven't mentioned it to her so far. I do want to get in touch and see if she would like to come but I guess now is not the right time when I'm going through this.

Hi Snowbear, That is a very good point about the use of acronyms and I can see why they aren't very helpful so I will certainly refrain from using them going forward. As you have mentioned I have experienced OCD that is focused on a number of different topics over the years which you couldn't attach a label to as such but the behaviours are the same. I just need to really work on trying to spot the unhelpful behaviours early on which can be tricky especially when it comes to relationships as I really struggle to identify whether a thought is a genuine concern or an OCD worry until it is often too late. CBT definitely helped me a couple of years ago so it might be that I go back for more sessions.

Thank you both so much for coming back to me, I really appreciate it. You are of course right the thoughts are getting me nowhere and the certainty my brain wants is never going to come. Today I've managed to stop some of the unhelpful behaviours such as looking at her social media to check how I feel about her and it is helping. Work has also been a good distraction today. I agree with you both it probably would be the best thing to not tell my wife about how I'm feeling. She knows a bit about my OCD but I think she could understandably become upset if I tried to explain my ROCD and it could have an impact on our relationship. The last time I felt this way I didn't tell her and actually I think it was for the best. I think instead I'll get back in touch with my therapist and go back into CBT. cashewnutsandraisins - I did also go through a phase when we first got together where confessing was a compulsion of mine. It really wasn't helpful and I've managed to control this too. I'm pleased you have found it has helped lessen the anguish too and you are right all the confession does is give undeserved attention to those thoughts. Thanks again!

Like many of you I've struggled with OCD for most of my life. It has varied over the years but the one constant is ROCD. I'm happily married and have been with my wife for 10 years (married 4). ROCD however often puts doubts in my mind about how I feel about my wife but when I'm feeling on top of my OCD I'm really happy with my relationship. However, a couple of times my OCD has switched focus from my current relationship to my past, which ended 12 years ago! I start to think about my ex and question whether I was happier with her, was I more attracted to her, did we make a mistake breaking up and really obsessing over her new relationship. I keep thinking back to all the good times and not really thinking of the bad times that contributed to the break-up. I think the worst thing is the fact the thought of her being with someone else makes we really anxious - it is ridiculous I'm in my mid thirties and married and yet I'm feeling the way I did when we broke up! Of course I also feel so guilty feeling this way and I don't feel I can tell my wife. I probably should add that my ex and I haven't properly spoken in 11 years and I've seen her once at a mutual friends wedding and at no point did I suddenly think I still wanted to be with her l, actually it was quite the opposite. I do miss our friendship though which we managed to keep going for a couple of years after it ended. Lockdown has definitely made me more nostalgic and it has made me really think about all my uni friends and my ex was a massive part of that as we were together throughout uni. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? If so how did you manage to overcome it (if you have)? I experienced this last 2 years ago and it clearly went away but I can't remember why - I suspect my OCD just focuses on something else! Also, has anyone opened up to their partner about their ROCD (not just about an ex)? I'm really not sure how to explain it without it sounding awful!