I wasn't sure where to turn, but i wondered if anyone could offer any advice.
Over the past couple of years Ive been going through these phases where I think about something that happened in the past and I get completely wound up by it. I google things, ask people for reassurance, google whether I'm a good or bad person. I'm a medical student and I begin focussing on doing an injection, did I do something wrong? Did I injure the patient? And then the only way I can relax about it is getting in touch with the doctor supervising and emailing to see if there have been any adverse reactions or complaints, then I seem to feel a bit better. It it really starting to affect my life, and I qualify in a few months and I'm terrified about starting my job and this happening every single day. I feel like I wont have the energy to keep trying to make sure I did 100% the correct thing every time but I dont know how to live with uncertainty. Its like there is a list of about 8 things that I seem to rotate over, and as soon as I start to relax about one mistake from the past, I feel better for about a day and then my brain seems to tell me 'you dont have anything to worry about, start worrying about another thing on the list!' and so the cycle goes.
Another typical problem, and the one Ive been struggling with the past few weeks, is this. I work in a nursing dementia home to fund my studies, and I keep focussing on one event about 4 years ago where I was helping a lady with her dinner and she was very confused and moving a lot with her arms. I tucked her arms under the cover and carried on, and the nurse came in and said nicely 'oh shes all tucked up'. But now, what if that could be considered restraint? I keep thinking that I'm going to be reported, and rightly so because I shouldn't have done that. I feel absolutely awful. I keep googling what will happen when I'm reported, planning what I will say and how I need to be totally honest, and how I'll be removed from the register and then have to let the medical council know, which will then go to a hearing and I wont be able to work as a doctor anymore. I dont want to be a burden to anyone, but what if I can't get a job? Everyone will think I'm a horrible, cruel person. I absolutely love my job, and try every day I work to do everything perfectly, but its becoming exhausted being so stuck in my head. I'm so lucky in so many ways, I have a beautiful house, an amazing partner and wonderful friends, and I'm getting to do my dream job, but I feel like I absolutely don't deserve any of this.
I'm sorry this is so long. I only very recently came across the idea that this could be a form of OCD, and I wondered if anyone had any suggestions of places to go for help. Is there any online support? I feel silly trying to speak to my GP, and I'm not sure how to bring it up with my partner. I feel like people will just say I'm being silly and to forget about it. Has anyone else had any experience of this? It would be great to hear from anyone. I feel like this is something I really need to try and get some support for, before I start work and it overtakes my life.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and hope you are all keeping safe.