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estelle_2021

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    In recovery

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  • Gender
    Female
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    United Kingdom

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  1. Today I moved back to my uni house away from my parents. I had been staying with them since December when this whole OCD spike kicked off for me. I'm very very teary and overwhelmed and homesick, worried that I won't be able to cope. I was anxious enough at home with my parents looking after me but now I'm 2 hours away in a place I haven't been for 5 months. It also doesn't help that I'm hormonal as hell so I'm just generally feeling very low and can't stop crying. I'm so scared I'm gonna slip back into compulsions again, but I'm trying to remind myself that I have the option not to. As convin
  2. Thanks so much for this recommendation !! I listened to the ep last night and resonated with it so much. I think it's definitely the case where you feel sorta "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type thing. Learning to make a decision quickly but then taking the risk that you might be making the wrong decision and sitting with the uncertainty is really challenging! I hadn't heard of him, but thanks for alerting me to him !! I'll def have a look at his videos, he's got some really good info on his instagram page as I've just discovered! It's honestly such a dis
  3. Also, just to add, I feel like my OCD is reeeeeally sneaky in that it will try to tell me that by not giving in, I'm avoiding something I fear, and therefore my avoidance is a compulsion. So then I just feel so stuck in the middle, unsure of what to do, because leaving the obsession alone feels like avoidance, and giving into it, whilst it certainly does increase my anxiety (as exposures do), I get an immediate feeling of relief, and then I think to myself "what was my aim in that behaviour?" 100% of the time, it was to seek certainty, or get rid of discomfort in an urgent way, thus is compuls
  4. Hi, @Nellie Thanks so much for your great response! Yes, I absolutely understand everything you're saying. I know that my googling is compulsive because I've been stuck in a cycle like this since December, where I googled a horror film I had been avoiding for years, but then one night I got the overwhelming urge to just type it in and I thought "I'll just see what the poster looks like" or "I'll just see what year it was made". And then I'd get a massive wave of relief at finally overcoming something I'd been avoiding for YEARS (even hearing the title of the film would make me run away and
  5. Thank you @MarieJo and @PolarBear. I think I'm just struggling to put into words what my experience is and I find myself getting tied in knots trying to decide if something is an exposure or a compulsion. I think I've finally found the perfect way to describe what my OCD cycle is though - I don't know if anyone is familiar with the Derren Brown kitten experiment (you can find it on youtube), where he has a woman in a room with a glass box linked up to an electrical vault, containing a kitten. There's a table in the middle of the room with a big red button that, if pressed, will send an elec
  6. Hi everyone. I don't know if this is going to come across as reassurance-seeking, but I just want a place to let off some steam. I've had a rough couple of days, I feel like having been doing really well over the last few weeks and feeling well on the road to recovery, I've slipped a bit and found myself doing more checking/googling compulsions. Getting scared I've googled something awful, wanting to see if horrible words come up on the search engine etc, wanting to look up words that sound similar/are related to horrible words because my brain says "well, maybe that will be exposure, you s
  7. Thank you @PolarBear ! It's so difficult to just sit with the feeling. I can usually tell if something is compulsive by the sense of urgency I feel alongside it. But because my compulsions are themselves so distressing and anxiety-inducing, that's where I feel like it's a fear that needs to be "overcome". But then once I do one compulsion, and I realise "hey, I've done that, now I should do THIS" (something even scarier), that's where I feel like..... Is this exposure? If I resist the urge to do it, is that avoidance?? I find myself getting tied in knots. Leaving the feeling alone feels irresp
  8. I've been doing really well over the last few weeks, the sunny weather and lockdown restrictions lifting a bit has meant I'm able to enjoy things without my obsessions getting in the way, and when they do pop along I'm able to recognise them for what they are, shrug them off and move on. I even got tipsy with my sister the other day which was a bit of an exposure for me because alcohol makes me nervous! However, I feel like my OCD has been kicking back over the past couple of days and I do find myself still do strange little compulsions; "just this one and it'll go away and I'll be back to
  9. You're so right @PolarBear !! For me now, whilst I have mostly cut out physical compulsions, it's a case of slowing down and stopping ruminating, which I think is what has been keeping me stuck. I wake up every morning with that horrible gut feeling of utter dread and sorrow for the day ahead, afraid of what thoughts I'm going to have and what DISTRESSING compulsions I'm going to feel compelled to perform. Learning to take that anxiety along for the ride and quell my ruminating is what I'm practicing, but it's so easy for the doubt to slip right back in. It can feel relentless this damn dis
  10. Hi all, I've just been thinking about this a lot recently, this idea that maybe our symptoms/anxiety gets worse before it gets better. When I think back to a few months ago, before I realised I was struggling with OCD and I was performing compulsions left right and centre, I feel like my anxiety, ironically, wasn't as bad as it is now. I feel like I've (mostly) cut out physical compulsions but I do find myself obsessing almost 24/7, and ruminating is deffo my biggest compulsion that I need to cut out. A few months ago, I feel like I was regularly getting the instant relief from performing
  11. That's a very good point! I think I'm just so desperate to speak to a professional about it all, my IAPT therapist has been very helpful but she said she might bump me up to someone more senior. She said she wouldn't be able to give me a formal or official OCD diagnosis, but she's almost certain that's what I'm struggling with as I scored 93 on the questionnaire when apparently the diagnostic criteria is 40!
  12. Hi! Yes, I've gone through IAPT and am starting CBT with them, although I don't have many sessions so I'm considering going private if I want more therapy
  13. Hi all, Hope you're having a wonderful Friday and happy weekend! I just felt like coming on here today because I've been feeling a bit low today; I'm learning that the journey to recovery is certainly not linear and that sometimes when you think you're doing well, the little buggar comes along and tries to sneak its way back in again! I wanted to share a little bit more about my experience as I'm still very new to the forum and only recently have I been diagnosed, so it all feels a bit alien to me and it's so comforting to know there are hundreds of others here experiencing the same thin
  14. Hi All, I'm feeling VERY stuck, and I know I've been on here quite a lot in the last few days as I'm waiting to begin ERP next week. As my compulsions are around checking, I really don't know if the exposures I'm trying to do are actually becoming compulsive. My Obsessions, in the form of intrusive demands and urges, overwhelm me with the need to view distressing images and things that will disturb me, or to type in certain horrible words and a feeling of "needing to know", and I only get relief once I have done so, so it is massively compulsive and I've been stuck with this for a couple of
  15. Thank you! I think that's where I was struggling so much, because my compulsions were themselves so distressing and anxiety-inducing, that's why it latched and the feeling of relief upon completing the compulsion was SO IMMENSE; so, I wasn't sure if what I was doing was "exposing" myself to something anxiety provoking, or if I was just chasing relief, it's become clear to me now that it was the latter and the OCD is just incredibly sinister!
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