ocdruinseverything

I took a little bit of a break and I have intentionally been trying to prevent myself from posting anything but I feel upset yet again. My contamination ocd has gotten worse, I went out not that long ago and I felt like I contracted just about everything. Had to go home and thoroughly cleanse everything for hours. I started using a self help journal book, and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Also, my pocd is even more severe I feel like. Yesterday I was sitting in my car at the store when these people pulled up next to me. This person got out and for some reason when I looked at them I was reminded of someone I found attractive. Which bothers me, I don’t know if my mind does it to annoy me or if it’s me. But after I had a thought like ‘they look really young.’ Then I looked at them again and then they looked older, so I was like ‘oh wait no that’s an adult.’ It kept bothering me but I looked away. They went inside the store, and I kept trying to get my mind off of it, but I couldn’t. A couple minutes later they came back out and I looked at them again and they looked super young again for some reason. I don’t know how old they were, they looked young maybe younger than I am. I tried to shut my brain up but then it ended up going over the whole situation which makes me so mad because I’ve been trying to move on and I’ve been getting better. Then I really started letting it get to me. I thought ‘wow what if they were really young and they reminded me of someone I found attractive?’ I think it’s my mind messing with me but I don’t even know at this point what anything is. Then the thoughts kept getting worse. I thought ‘well at first I thought they were attractive but when they came back out they looked young so I wasn’t.’ But the thought of even finding them attractive before is just wrong, what if they were young? That’s what I keep asking myself. And I don’t think that’s what I meant at all or what I felt, I think it may have been my mind messing with me, making me think I was reminded of someone I liked, and false attraction. But I’m beating myself up now because in my mind if I’ve already admitted something then there’s no going back and changing it, because I think that I’m just doing it because it’s right. To me it feels like I’ve already admitted it and that’s my true feelings. I don’t know how to explain It well, but If I have a thought then to me I can’t go back on it whatever it says because I feel like the first thought is the truth and the second is a lie. But I’m thinking I thought all of that because that’s how it felt, but in reality that’s not what happened? I don’t know but I’m in a panicked state, I don’t think they are attractive but I had an intentional thought that they were. I don’t know what to do about this or how to go about it, I’m beating myself up about it and I feel so sick and horrible because they looked so young. It’s so embarrassing posting these things because I don’t want the people that have helped me to feel like I’m not listening. I don’t want to let anyone down. I’m just so upset and mad at myself over this. I’m not asking for any reassurance, I’m just asking for maybe some tips because I’m stuck yet again..

See then my next thing that I can’t shake is whether or not I did the action while I was a sleep and if I did it when I woke up. I’m terrified because I don’t remember, the uncertainty kills me. This same thing has happened in the past where I will dream and in the dream I will do an action and it feels like I’m doing it in real life. I’m so scared that I did it. It was a horrible action, so horrible. I’ve stopped trying to figure it out but there’s no denying that it’s scary. I’m wondering if maybe my ocd comes into play and makes me feel like I did it? I’m not so sure on this one, but I can’t shake it.

I’m just very concerned that in my dream while I was sleeping I did the action. I feel so sick and nervous.. I’m so terrified.

Just when I think I’m getting better with ruminating and analysing, something happens and I end up doing it. It’s so frustrating. I really do struggle with compulsions, they are my worst enemy. Also, I never thought about ruminating that way. That is so true, I search for answers which is why I do it and then I spend hours trying to get those answers and end up with nothing. And then I think because I didn’t have an answer, I automatically assume what I did was bad. Deep down I know dreams are just dreams, but for whatever reason I get it stuck in my head that no one has dreams as bad to the extent as I do. And I always think ‘what would my family think of this? Wouldn’t they think this is wrong? If I told them my dreams they would think differently of me.’ And if I have that then I’m stuck thinking it’s wrong. I will sit there and try to move on and then I start thinking about the situation and get stuck in a cycle. After, I beat myself up about it and I don’t allow myself to do things I want to do until I figure out my situation. I always think everything that I do or happens to me says something about me. I’m definitely going to try and step back and change the way I react to things. Thank-you so much for both of your responses and all your help. It’s very much appreciated

Yeah, after the first time I’m slightly nervous about getting therapy. What really sucks too is that I have a fear that I will never be helped and I’ll just stay stuck like this, even though I know therapy is meant to help me. I’m just upset I wasn’t able to talk to her about how my mind works, she treated me like she didn’t care and didn’t what to hear what I had to say. And that is a really good idea, I will definitely read some self-help books so I don’t lose hope until I get therapy. I appreciate your recommendation. Is there a certain website I can purchase it off of? Or just any bookstore? Thank-you so much for your help and your recommendations.

Yeah, my issue is I genuinely don’t enjoy it and then when I get those false feelings it terrifies me to the point of where I can’t think straight, which is probably why it’s so unusual. I’ve had ocd as long as I can remember. It started as obsessive cleaning as a kid, then it kept developing into different things as I’ve gotten older. I don’t know much about it because I have essentially suffered for a while just assuming I was a little too concerned about everything. I have had therapy but unfortunately because she was so rude I stopped seeing her. She blamed all of my obsessions and fears on me being young which made no sense to me. She didn’t really help much, I tried to ask her questions and talk to her about ocd but she really wouldn’t listen at all. But I am going to be getting therapy in a month or so, so I’m looking forward to it. Also, thank-you for your helpful reply, I appreciate it.

Hi. So sorry to be posting so much, but I do have a question. Can ocd affect my dreams? Today I had a horrible nightmare in which I was a horrible person and it was pocd related. I would never do what I did in that dream, but it really really felt like I did it. There was a certain action I did in the dream and I felt like I was doing it while I was sleeping, like I physically felt it in my dream. When I woke up I don’t remember if I was doing the action, like literally don’t remember, I think shock got to me, but I remember having false feelings. I turned over and was so disturbed that I went back to sleep because I wanted to forget about it. When I fell asleep it happened again, the same action, same bad situation, in the same bad dream. It felt like it happened again. I’m terrified that I was doing the action in my dream while I was asleep. And I’m terrified that when I woke up I was doing the action, but I don’t remember. Also, I’m very concerned about the dream. I was a really bad person in it and it was pocd related. Do our dreams matter? I’m concerned. Any feedback on this would be much appreciated, thank-you.

My bad, I tend to ask for advice a lot because I tend to get stuck on how to move on. I’ve been trying to get better at the whole moving on thing but it’s just so hard when I don’t even know what step one should be. As far as other people purchasing it, that’s very true. They aren’t bad people. I’m afraid I enjoyed those scenes. I have only seen it one time but I remember feeling like I wasn’t bothered by the scene and bothered by arousal feelings. It’s horrible. And ruminating is so difficult to deal with, because I end up getting stuck for several minutes running it through my head over and over. Although I did watch your video and found it very helpful, so thank-you and thank-you for your response.

Hi everyone. Before I start, I’d just like to say that this post is probably going to come off badly, and sound strange. For that I’m so sorry. Anyways, I’m so stressed and worried because I feel like I’ve done something bad and I feel like a bad person. I don’t know if it’s my ocd convincing me I am or I actually am. I would love some support and feedback on this because I’m just stuck again and I don’t know how to move on from this. Basically I bought this movie a while ago like when I was 15/16 (I don’t remember when exactly. But it’s just weird because I’m 17 now.) It’s about samurai’s, it’s an action movie. The fighting scenes are really cool but there is this one scene in the movie that’s absolutely horrible and I don’t like it. I understand that bad things happen sometimes in movies, i think it may have been based on true events, but I don’t know if bad things happen in movies to this extent. There is a young teenager in it and something horrible happens to them, I don’t know if I can say it on here but they get attacked by an adult in a horrible way. Not killed or like hit or smacked, it’s something else so horrible. (Sorry I just feel so uncomfortable even saying it because it’s so disgusting.) It’s just sad, uncomfortable, and unfathomable what happens. I completely forgot about the movie and when I remembered it I was like ‘Yeah, that’s horrible, I’m going to throw the movie out.’ Then I forgot about it yet again, but I have since thrown it out. I just feel so bad for even owning it, and I hope I didn’t buy it for any bad reason. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it, I felt like I was going to throw up. Even now I feel like crying. I forgot I even had the movie and I had it for so long, it just bothers me. I know that I don’t like when anyone is hurt, especially children and in that way that ruins their childhood forever but my mind convinces me otherwise and I just absolutely hate it. I lose track of who I am and it makes me sad. I don’t want to be a bad person, it really stresses me out everyday because I feel like I am. I don’t know what to do about this, or how to let it go. I know that I’m not a bad person but my mind convinces me otherwise. I feel so bad. Please help me.. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stop beating myself up about it because how could I own a movie that includes a scene with a young teen getting so badly hurt like that?! I feel so horrible and disgusting..

Hi. I have some quick questions about ocd. I would really appreciate any response on this. So I know that ocd can create false feelings, but one of my reoccurring ones seems different. I suffer from false arousal a lot, but most of the time they aren’t necessarily groinal responses. I mean I have those too, but usually I have this false feeling, it’s an arousing feeling but it comes from the stomach, I don’t know how to explain it. It feels like a strong aroused feeling in the stomach mixed with butterflies I guess? I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. It happened today and the arousal felt pretty real and it felt like I enjoyed the thing that caused the arousal. Is ocd causing that? Is that false arousal? I’m scared not going to lie because it feels so real, but it isn’t groinal response. Is that normal with ocd?? Is it ocd??! And then my second question is related to thoughts. Can intentional thoughts feel intrusive? Does that even make sense? Or maybe it’s just ocd making it out to be something it’s not. I often struggle with knowing if my thoughts are intentional or not. It’s hard to differentiate for me. Are they all just thoughts? If I think something bad intentionally does it matter? What if the thought is said with genuine feelings? Sometimes the thoughts I have feel so genuine it’s terrifying. I’m always so scared I’m labeling my intentional thoughts as intrusive ones just so I can move on. I hope I’m not doing that. Anyway, thank-you for reading. If anyone has feedback on this I’d really like to here it because I’m very confused and I’m struggling a bit.

Yeah, it’s very very difficult. But I will keep practicing and trying my best. Thank-you again for your responses!

Thank-you so much for your response. It’s just so difficult for me to not analyze things, I really struggle with that. Every time I try to prevent myself from analyzing I end up doing it. I’m not sure how to stop doing it. Compulsions are so frustrating..

Thank-you so much!

I’m just so tired of this. I was having such a good day and then my mind had to ruin it. My contamination fears have gotten better but my pocd has just plummeted. Toward the end of the day my mind just started acting up. I was watching a movie and this actor reminded me of a different character in another film. The character happens to be in year 10 (but since it’s an international film, year 10 for them is different. They are actually between 15-16) I had a feeling of attraction or something and I panicked and was like ‘wait, what was their age?!’ And for some reason I thought it was 14 and I don’t know why because it wasn’t. And then immediately after I had a thought that was like ‘well it’s ok to be attracted because they are 14.’ But I’m 17.. The thing is I don’t understand why I had the thought because it’s horribly wrong but It was genuine (or idk maybe it wasn’t? Maybe it felt like it was? I don’t understand my mind) I don’t know if it was a legitimate accident, intrusive thought or a regular intentional thought. Maybe my I just wasn’t thinking straight?! Part of me thinks I’m just passing it off as an intrusive thought when it wasn’t. So what if it was intentional? What if I really meant it? Ugh there I go again. It felt pretty intentional, I mean how could I think something like that? At first I tried to tell myself ‘hey, it may have been just an accident, let it go. You know you aren’t a horrible person and are not attracted to children or people that are way too young.’ And then I ended up sitting there analyzing the entire situation and trying to figure out why I would think such a thing intentionally. (if it was) I know thoughts are thoughts but it’s so hard to let go of them and move on, especially when they feel so intentional. I know deep down that I would never do anything to hurt anyone or anything and I’m not attracted to kids, but my mind makes everything so hard to believe. It’s like I lose who I am. I am so tired of being this way. This has ruined the end of my birthday. Any thoughts on this? What do I do? And also does anyone have any tips on stopping analyzing things because I really struggle with that.

Hi again. I’ve already posted this but I just can’t seem to shake this. I added some details in this one I forgot to put in the other post. I’m so stressed about it and I just don’t know what to do. The other day I was watching this video and this person made a noise/started to talk in it. I had a thought about their voice sounding like a child or very young. I was terrified that I would get a groinal response, and I ended up having one. I obviously knew they were an adult, and I actually remember thinking a thought like “They are an adult so move on, you’re fine.” so I let it go, the thought and groinal response, and I ended up letting myself be aroused by the noise they made. I replayed the part again where they spoke and I don’t know if it was because I wanted to hear them again like a double check to see if I really thought they sounded young or because I wanted to be more aroused. How I look at it is even though they were an adult I still had the thought beforehand which makes me terrified that I’m attracted to children’s voices.. This happens before where I will look at an adult and for some reason my mind has thoughts about them looking and sounding like a kid. I don’t know if my mind does it to annoy me but that’s how it feels. I normally push the thought away and let myself be attracted to the adult but I’m terrified that this one isn’t my mind just messing with me. I can’t stop playing it over in my head, trying to figure it out. It was an intentional thought too.. But are thoughts just thoughts? Maybe I’m just over looking this situation but it sure doesn’t look make me feel great. The fact that I had the thought beforehand and let myself be aroused with it just bothers me.. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to let this go or move on.. it sucks because my birthday is soon and I’m so stressed about this. Please help, I don’t know what to do anymore..