Hello to anyone reading this. I hope that you are as well as can be expected in these challenging times.
I have had contamination/hygiene OCD for just over 10 years. I had some therapy when symptoms first started, which helped reduce the severity and allow me to resume some of my life, but am hoping to get some more treatment and start working on the remaining compulsions as they still have a major impact. My (now) ex-girlfriend broke up with me twice (first in June 2020 and then in October 2020 after a brief period together) because she can't see a future together and she doesn't think she can have the relationship with me that she would like to have. She also has mental health problems (primarily depression at the moment). I think that she is particularly frustrated with the following symptoms of my OCD:
1. I've not invited her into my flat for quite awhile because of fears surrounding its cleanliness (OCD takes so much time out I struggle to keep on top of things) and also because there are some repairs that need sorting which have made it not a particularly nice place to be. She feels very strongly that I should have let her come over (we have been in a bubble so it would be allowed under the current restrictions).
2. The combination of avoidance of compulsions by staying up late and/or sleeping in and then the actual time spent on compulsions has meant I'm not normally available to meet up until the late afternoon. She has wanted me to be able to stay over at hers, get ready in a 'normal' amount of time and then have the day together, or to meet up earlier.
3. Sometimes my anxiety levels and OCD have meant that I haven't been able to help her with her own mental health problems. This has often become a real point of conflict as I feel that overall I have supported her complex mental health issues, aside from a few occasions when I've either made a mistake or have been too wrapped up in my own problems. Whereas she thinks I haven't given her enough practical help and have let her down.
My feeling about everything is that I fully accept that there are elements of our relationship where the OCD is getting in the way and I do need to deal with them. However I also feel that my ex-girlfriend is not being understanding enough concerning how difficult it is to make changes and how long it might take. I also think that more encouragement and empathy would help me alot and help create a better environment for recovery. She struggles to keep her feelings 'out' and tends to instinctively wall them up when life gets difficult to deal with, so I guess this is why warmth and empathy from her don't always show up when I need them to.
At the moment we're not together and it's got to the point when we need to decide whether to reconnect or move on. My ex does ideally want to be together but she wants some 'normality' and definitely in the future and for things to change. I also would ideally like to be with her but feel that she needs to be willing to give me more space and support to recover and a bit more acceptance and encouragement in where I am at the moment; whilst she hasn't been entirely unsupportive (I hasten to add, sometimes she's been great), it hasn't been near enough to what would help me. The negativity which has arisen this year from our relationship problems have really got me down and in many ways has put my progress back. This time last year things were very different as she had just started on some new medication and I was in a slightly better place with the OCD than I am at the moment; we were looking forward with hope...then the pandemic struck, which has also taken its toll on both of us and our relationship. It is such a tough issue as on the one hand, when love is involved you would hope partners could stick together no matter what, and not have 'conditions' (i.e. you need to get better etc.); equally I can understand that everyone has to have their limits and their needs met in a relationship and sometimes mental health problems do get in the way to the extent that the other person feels they have to leave, for the sake of their own happiness.
I have read some of Jon Hershfield's excellent book 'When a family member has OCD'. I found this to be very helpful but I am interested in any thoughts anyone has on navigating the complexities of mental health and relationships.
Thanks for your time,
Alex
