My husband has a long history of OCD. When we met he was going through a mild phase. The last 2 years it has been severe. Initially I had been reassuring him then his mum explained why this was bad last spring. She taught me many techniques she had learnt from previous therapists regarding how to respond to him effectively and I started using them immediately.
Over the last 2 years, my husband has had telephone therapy, group therapy, private therapy, has read several books, watched numerous videos. His mum and I have used the techniques his therapists have provided over the years to help him control it. He knows every CBT tool there is to control this, but he keeps giving up.
He'll use a couple of the tools for a few days, then stop and let it all flood back in. If I mollycoddle him and give him loving encouragement, it doesn't last longer. If I take a tough love approach, it doesn't last longer. I have to continuously remind him of what he should be doing, sometimes with such frequency he starts getting angry and carries on with the compulsions anyway. There are so many tools he won't even bother trying now because he doesn't want to make the effort. If I remind him it helped ease a previous cycle for a while, he now won't try.
This is severely impacting his work, my mental health and work, and our relationship. He is making my anxiety, insomnia and depression worse. When I ask him to pause before doing a compulsion, or ask why is he doing it, he tells me to stop worrying and that I need to work on myself. My own mental health treatment is like firefighting, because I can make myself feel OK for a few hours or a couple of days until I see him in a mire of thoughts he won't try to control. I have broken down so many times and all I get is empty promises that he'll work on it.
He won't see a doctor about depression, which he is clearly displaying, but even if he did I doubt he'd bother doing the treatment, as he has ignored much of what I have suggested from my own depression treatment. He won't take meds because he did before and the other side effects overall made him feel worse. I can understand this as I was in a similar situation with anxiety meds years before I met him.
He uses anti-reassurance methods against me. He describes a thought out loud because he wants me to ask 'What kind of thought are you having? Is that your thought or the OCD's?'. If I ask it, he takes it as point-blank reassurance and doesn't try to breakdown and process the thought. I have had to ask him not to say any thoughts out loud now, because of this. But he keeps doing it anyway, and takes any questioning or negative response, again, as reassurance without actually processing 'what is this thought?'.
All this aside, our love for each other is very strong. We know we are each other's soulmate, and would be far more miserable without each other.
I miss the times we were happy, when the OCD was mild. Now I have no idea what to expect day-to-day. Each time we have a good day, the next day we pay for it because he is significantly worse after a good day. The relationship OCD aspect makes him think there is more to lose and his thoughts are worse. I feel unhappy most days, and when my husband has a good day, I am often too drained to be as fun company as I'd like to be.
What do you do when you love someone you don't want to leave, and you support them all you can, but they just won't commit to trying to get better? When you've opened up repeatedly about how it's impacting the relationship? When they have exhausted all sources of help and all that is left is for them to implement everything they have learnt but they won't, no matter how much you encourage and support them? It feels like we're living in an abyss, and I can't cope with it anymore. If I give up it will make him worse, and neither of us want a divorce. If I hope it will get better, I just get more upset, angry and frustrated the moment he gives into another compulsion without even trying to fight it. I can tell when he is trying and when he's not by his word usage and body language - this is why I know he's not trying, rather than trying and struggling. If he was trying and struggling, I would cope with it better.
I don't know how to live with this anymore.
