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Moser

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  1. I used to make promises to Christian God about not doing my ocd compulsions and i was asking for punishment without meaning it, in case of breaking the promises by doing the compulsions, in order to use the fear of punishment to force myself not to do the compulsions. I never meant thos promises. It was just a trick to make my ocd stop bugging me because I wanted some relief. I worry that i may have done something that may have looked like a compulsion even thought it was not. I was having some intrusive thoughts and I was ignoring them. I think I told Gods that I did not act compulsively and not to be punished. But I am not 100% sure and I worry that I may have said not to be punished while skipping saying to them that I did not act compulsively. Of course some seconds later I said that I did not act compulsively but what if I was too late? I worry for an hypothetical misunderstanding. What if Gods thought that I acted compulsively even though I was not? what if they thought that by saying not to be punished, they though that I acted compulsively?
  2. 3 years ago, I used to fight ocd compulsions by making rushed promises to Christian God and asking for punishment in case breaking them. The promises were about not doing the ocd compulsions.I think I never mean those promises. I was just trying to use the fear of the punishment in order to force myself not to do the tiring compulsions. It was a trick in which I was able to make my ocd shut up. Just a show to scare it and nothing more. However, sometimes semi-intrusive thoughts used to pop up about making promises and I was acting as if I made the promises because the fear of the promise/punishment was setting me free from the compulsions. it was the only way out. Threating myself to stop doing the compulsions. I used to have a compulsion to read everything that was written in a christianic article that would randomly appear while scrolling on facebook. That article had also verses (as a reference) and due to ocd, I was forced to search these verses and read them.Sometimes, I would even read the whole paragraph that contained that verse. Sometimes, I would think that I read them too fast and ocd was forcing me to reread them more slowly. it was a compulsive reading of christianic stuff that was being caused by scrupulosity. It was a very tiring ocd compulsion. However, I managed to stop it but I do not remember how. Maybe I have some memories of me having rushed thoughts (semi-intrusive thoughts) about a promise/punishment if in case I do again that "reading compulsion"I cant remember exactly,. I just have a bad feeling as if I may have made a promise. Yesterday, I was chatting with someone and he wrote me something. It was unrelated to christianic stuff. I read it very fast and did not understand what he was saying. Randomly, I wanted to reply "oh" (as if I understand what he said) but ocd started telling me that it may count as a lie since I did not understand what he was saying. So, I reread the sentence again to understand what he was saying because my ocd was telling me that it may count as a lie if I do not understand what he wrote. Thats why I tried to read it again fastly. I worry because it may have counted as a "compulsive reading". I know that it is different than the "compulsive reading" of the christianic stuff that was caused because of scrupulosity, but it is somehow similar.If I made such a promise, I cant remember what my words were. I do not know if the promise was specifically for the compulsive reading of the christianic stuff. What If my words were generic and accidentally, made it count for everything that has to due with compulsive reading (no matter what I read)? I just have a bad feeling. As if my mind remembers something about a promise but I cant remember my words. I CANT REMEMBER if it was a prayer-promise or just rushed thoughts. (maybe semi-intrusive thoughts?)I worry that the promise may have been accepted by other Gods if Christian God is not real. What if They do not care about my ocd? I have prayed many times for all promises to be canceled. I have suffered a lot and have explained that I do not mean those promises. I just wanted relief and by making rushed, ocd promises, I was able to stop myself from doing compulsions. I have suffered a lot about these promises. Do you think I broke the hypothetical promise? The reason of the promise was to force myself to stop reading christianic stuff as part of the compulsion. It was taking me some time and I was really tired from it. Do you think, if the promise counted, that it counted only for that specific compulsion (compulsive reading of christianic stuff) or for everything that has to do with compulsive reading? I just randomly reread what the message was saying because I did not want to count as a hypocrisy (due to ocd). Its like someone saying something to you and you instead of answering, you ask him to repeat himself because you worry that it may count as a lie if you answer without having understood what he said. It just happened that the message was written and not spoken
  3. i used to fiight ocd compulsions by making promises to Christian God and asking for a non-specific punishment in case breaking them, in order to use the fear of the punishment to make myself stop the ocd compulsions I worry that I may have made a promise about not deleted my downloads as part of my ocd compulsion. I cant remember making such a promise but I worry if there are small chances of me making one. I worry that other Gods may have accepted the promise if Christian God is not real. I am worrying for an hypothetical promise.
  4. Mostly my ocd is focusing on existential and faith worries. but when I admit that I do not know and there is no need to work it out right now, i feel calm. if Jesus is real, He would understand my situatiion, even if I make mistakes.
  5. 3 years ago, I used to fight ocd compulsions by making rushed promises to Christian God that I wont do the compulsion and I was asking for punishment in case breaking those promises, in order to use the fear of punishment to force myself not to do the compulsion. I was using the fear of punishment to ensure that I wont do the ocd compulsion. I was doing it because I was a slave of my ocd and was giving me many worries. I remember one time, ocd was telling me to reveal to someone about a small lie that I said years ago. It was just an innocent lie i think. Ocd was telling me to reveal it because I was afraid of an hypothetical punishment from Christian God. I did not want to reveal it. it was not important but ocd kept bugging me. In the end, I did not reveal the lie. I think the last months, I was remembering that event and automatically, I was getting a bad vibe. As if I may have made a promise to God not to reveal the lie in order to make my ocd shut up. I probably never made such a promise. I think in that state that I was, I would not dare to make another promise. Besides, I do not remember making any promise regarding that matter. I kinda remember what my ocd was telling me to do (reveal the lie) and worrying about it but I cant remember makinga promise to counter it. i have a good memory and I remember very well intrusive thoughts, ocd situtations, promises etc. but I do not remember such a promise. I remember other times in the past, worrying that I may have made a promise. How I was able to say "no" to my ocd? Did I made another rushed promise or I simply ignored my ocd? Why I feel as if I may have made a promise? I worry because a very bad punishment may have been asked in case breaking that hypothetical promise. Why I have the bad vibes? What if I forgot the promise but my subconscious remembers it? I worry that other Gods may have accepted that hypothetical promise/deal, if Christian God is not real.
  6. I used to believe. I started doubting and questioning my faith. Reading opinions from agnostics made more sense to me than the Bible. I have lost my faith but I am still afraid of going to hell because of what ifs. I think I try to follow some teachings of Jesus, hoping that if God of the Bible is real, He will take my mental illness into account and even though I mostly lost my faith, the fear of following some rules of Jesus, will count as faith of a 1/10 of a mustard seed. I think there is no point explaining why I lost my faith. I have already explained it in other posts. Right now I am like "Maybe the Bible is really the word of God, maybe not" God knows that we can be easily deluded. He knows that it is difficult to have faith in Scriptures. He knows that there are other religions that have their texts and traditions. I think that if I try praying, going to church, reading the Bible, I will just get bored and I will have thoughts like "ok, but why I should believe what is written?" There are other traditions/religions/texts/beliefs with many believers I assume. What makes them all false but Christianity right? To me O.T seems a different religion than N.T God seems different in O.T than N.T. I have also read opinions from agnostics and they made more sense to me than the Bible. So my mind automatically fights whenever I hear opinion about ChRISTIANITY or a verse. Its as if my system recognises them as a threat like autoimmune disease. Also, I get thoughts about being brainwashed. I suffer everyday because of my worries. and thinking that I may end up in hell does not help. right now, if you ask me I just want to stop thinking about anything. I wanna just enjoy a show and think nothing. can I do this. Can I stop thinking anything related to religion in order to calm down or is it risky? can I just say "Jesus forgive me if you are real, despite my many doubts" and then, carry on with my day and start working it tomorrow? can i just stop thinking about Christianity or any religion related matter? Will God forgive me if I die in my sleep tonight without making up my mind?
  7. I have lost my faith in Jesus. I just have my doubts that the Bible is the word of God and I have bigger doubts about church. I would like to have converstation about what bugs me. Lets start with the Bible first. Bible: I do not reject the Bible but I have my doubts that it is the word of God. Simply because ther are other religious texts (you can check internet), why I should reject other religious texts, traditions, religiond, theories but accept that Christianity is the real one? Church: 1) I have read opinions from Christians that annoyed me. There was an orthodox who was saying that Christians will end up in hell for not participating in reading devotional hymns. He also supported that it would be nice to be penalties for sinners and unbelievers from the goverment. Maybe he meant prison. 2) I learned that an orthodox monk rejected a gift of sheets because they had flowers and he considered them prideful. 3) There are some orthodox beliefs and stories that I simply cant believe. There is a story about a woman who sinned but did not confessed it to a priest (sacrament of confession) but prayed for her sin alone. She died and went to hell and Theotokos brought her back to life so she could confess to a priest. The woman confessed and went to heaven. I just cant believe these stories. 4) Why sex with your girlfriend/boyfriend is a sin, if it is something serious? From a very little search I did, I cant find verses about how marriage should be done. If a woman and a man agree to live with each other and love each other, isnt like a marriage? The Bible forbids forcination but in greek, it says about "pornoi" which means prostitutes. Being a prostitute and having sex with the person that you plan to be with, is total different. 5) Some Christians believe that it is a sin for a woman to wear pants mostly because of the verse from the O.T that says about the clothing of man and woman. Since when pants are considered that only men should wear them? And if some Christians want to follow that verse, why dont they follow all rules of O.T? 6) A Christian here on reddit, was stating that its a sin to have company with non-believers. 7) If church is always right, why changed opinions? If I am right, church was telling people to repent publicly but now they do not. Church rejected evolution but now accepts it? ? I see Christians talking about prayers and repeating them. Fasting in Wednesday and Friday because of the tradition. Is that what Jesus is really about? Participating in rituals? 9) Many Christians are believing that the Bible is the truth because it makes sense to them. That we all have sinned and there must be a savor. Does that prove that the Bible is really the word of God? Yet, they tell you that it is our choice not to have faith but we will burn in hell. I am suspicious of the Bible but I am even more suspicious of the church. Do I have to follow all these rules which some are difficult to follow and do that for as long as I live, even if Christianity does not make sense to me? Does really an unbeliever deserve to suffer ETERNALLY for not having faith? When it comes to faith isnt natural for some people to simply not have faith? Even for other sins like sexual pleasure, seem normal to me because it is our nature to have urges. For how long can someone avoid it? If Christian God is merciful and loving, why He would send, if He will send, good and honest people who are unbelievers? My mind just refuses to believe it. I am in a state in which I am worried for not having faith because what if Jesus is real? If the Bible is not the word of God, then what happens after death? Many people have different religions, theories, traditions and they really seem to believe them like a Christian does for his religions. There are people who believe in simulation theory. Some claim to have seen the truth through drugs and they share commom experiences. There is a man on internet who claims to have talked with aliens and that we are in a simulation world in which a parasite is controlling all evil. After all these, I cant have faith in Jesus. I am not saying that I will believe something else. I am just in a state that I do not know what to believe. And I think thats honest. Yet, some Christians will tell me that I will end up in hell in this state. I am a man who has depression and do not know what to believe. I still try to avoid sinning from fear but I cant say that I have faith.Do I really deserve hell?
  8. I am tired of my ocd I am tired of worrying for hypothetical scenarios I am tired of the coicncidences that trigger my ocd I am tired of worrying for losing my faith I am tired of worrying that almost everything in Christianity is a sin. I am tired of reading that we all deserve hell! I am tired of reading that many people will suffer in hell eternally for small sins or crimes. I am tired of having to believe what the church says simply because many people say it. I am tired!
  9. new coincidence. I was on reddit and randomly saw a funny question that was about dying with what is written on the usernames. Automatically, I remembered a funny quote that I heard "death by penguins". Due to ocd, I started wondering kinda like "what if someone had commented with something that has to do with penguins? it may be a sign/coincidence?" I was ready to check the comments and automatically, I got another thought like: "iwhat if I do not see the word "penguins" but something similar that lives in snow, like polar bear?" I checked and the first comment was about dying from a Walrus. The walrus is an animal that lives in north pole, like polar bears and penguins. I left the topic and started analyzing the coincidence and started replaying my thoughts before entering it. While I was ready to enter again, I got another thought like: "what if the first comment is now different just because the "walrus" was a random comment that was shown first?" I entered again and the first comment was the same. it was the comment about the walrus but some seconds later, (without refreshing) the comment with the walrus went downwards. I tried some times to see if other comments in other topics do the same, but I think there were some rare cases in which the comments randomly changed position. Most of the times, the first comment was always the same comment. Why the comment changed position?
  10. when I wrote I "suffered a lot" in my prrevious post, I mean that I worried a lot about these promises.
  11. I used to make promises to Christian God about not doing the ocd compulsions and asking for punishment in case breaking it in order to use the fear of punishment to force myself not to do the compulsions. That was on 2018. I suffered a lot about these promises. I worry that in 2017, I may have made an older promise that was kinda about not making my home office desk dirty with specific things. I cant remember making such a promise. That hypothetical scenario appeared in 2020 when I got bad vibes from my desk. Bad vibes as if I may have made a promise on 2017 and i forgot it. I worry because some days ago, I think I was careless and my ocd warned me, maybe kinda like "must not make the desk dirty". I did not make it dirty but my ocd is telling me: ocd: since you were careless and you were warned not to make the desk dirty, what if for a second you made the mistake and made the desk dirty on purpose very very little, just because you were not focused? what if you made a promise and you accidentally made the desk dirty on purpose just because your intentions got mixed up with the "must not do it"? what if you made the desk dirty and since you were careless you just forgot it? what if you cant blame that ocd for that promise? why you got bad vibes then? what if this promise was not an ocd promise but a real promise? what if you made the promise in order to have your desk always cleaned when your friends used to come? what if you thought that it would be an easy promise to be remembered and be kept? I probably did not make such a promise (i would not dare). Also, some days ago, I did not make my desk dirty. I was just focused on something else and I just got a warning thought about not making it accidentally. I just worry hypothetically, if my hand accidentally made a gesture that touched the desk. for example: "do not touch the desk" and my hand randomly touches the desk just because my mind was focoused on something else.probably it did not happen and I did not touch my desk probably. what if other Gods accepted that promise if Christian God is not real?
  12. a professional may help someone understand that he/she will not get sick. but what happens when it comes to scrupulosity? How a therapist will convince me that I should not worry about God or Gods? We are born in a world and we do not know why or how we are here. can we at least talk about the punishment that ocd is giving me worries about? About that punishment, I will say a similar example and not exactly what I worry about.Someone has a body dysmoprhic disorder and thinks he is fat, even though he is not. He hates himself if he gains even just 1 kg. He spends a lot of time in the mirror and he weights himself as a compulsion. He worries that he may do sometihng that will anger Gods and that They will punish him by making him to gain weight but with him being unable to find out if he gained weight. So, when he looks in the mirror, he sees his usual body and when he weights himself, he sees the same number. What if due to punishment he 4 kg fatter but he is unable to see it due to the illusion punishment? So, when he ignores these coincidences, he stills gets the thought of what if he is know fatter and he cant see it due to the punishment? this was just an example of why I worry so much about angering Gods. I do not want to say what I worry about exactly, thats why I said an example.
  13. and how we know that ocd is wrong in all cases? i can understand that ocd is wrong when it comes to gems, but when it is about something that we do not know. Like Gods, nature. then, how i will know that it is wrong?
  14. guys a new coincidence happened. i was watching an episode of a tv series. i paused it for an unrelated reason. I started thining again about the coincidence that was related to the word "devil". I randomly got a worrying thought, kinda like "what if when I click play in the tv episode, the next quote will have the word "devil"? I just ignore that thought and randomly clicked to a quora question that was on my profile (from the past) and randomly read the word "devil" because it had it on its title.
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