TJ140

Thank you for the kind replies. I didn’t realise this was the case. I don’t know what compulsions I have with disturbing thoughts. I always felt like I could deal with the compulsive things better such as counting filling my water bottle in an even number or 5 times. Or pulling the door handle in an even number, because I know this isn’t rational. It happens at times where I do have to do them because I convince myself my mum will die if I don’t but I can usually break the cycle by reminding myself it’s irrational. I used to pray every night for a number of years because I convinced myself if I didn’t I’d hurt someone, but managed to break this one too. However with the disturbing thoughts, these upset me a lot more because I don’t feel there are compulsions attached to them, so I can easily tell myself my brain is messed up and I’m going crazy, which leads to feelings of panic and lack of control of myself. I don’t know how to coexist with these thoughts at time’s. I know I need to loose respect for them and not give them my energy and time but it’s so hard. I can’t tell if ruminating over them would help because I’m being brave and trying to face them. Or if taking my mind of them will help them melt into the background but is that not trying to force them away?

Hi Everyone, I’ll aim to keep this as short as possible! I’ve suffered with anxiety since I was 14, having many panic attacks that led to a period of agoraphobia. I have learnt to handle them well after reading an incredible book and have lived a very happy life hand in hand with it. I was able to talk about this to my family as it affected my life so badly I needed help. I had a few hospital appointments but didn’t feel the need for medication or therapy at the time. However, I have always had another issue that I have never never spoken about to anyone, in fact this is the first time I’ve ever even written it and I’m getting quite emotional writing this. I have periods of pure O and sometimes OCD that have affected my life since I was probably 13. I notice it occurs whenever big life changes happen to me, such as starting GCSE’s, leaving school, starting college, starting university, new job, ECT. The thoughts have changed over the years, first started with convincing myself I could hurt children (was working at a nursery at the time) I felt like the most awful person in the world. Very distressing. It then changed to convincing myself I may one day hear voices. This was terrifying to me, I convinced myself I’d go insane. There’s on that always repeats itself, it sounds ridiculous but I never watch anything with too much violence or horror as it’s always distressed me since I was a little child. However I have repetitive thoughts of violent and horrible films or when people tell me about horrible videos on the internet that I’ve never even watched and I begin to imagine them in my head. The idea that these thoughts are so terrible and violent, 1) how did I even imagine them myself and how am I capeable of having such violent thoughts 2) why do they always crop up when pure O comes on. Am I damaged? Why do I still think of them and let them affect me the way they do? Why does my brain bring them up when I know it’s stupid? This also happened at the beginning of my masters course we had to dissect cadavers (dead people) and I got so distressed by this I couldn’t continue the classes and had panic attacks at night for about 2-3 weeks. It took my a while to get over it as I thought I was permanently damaged from seeing these things and I’d never get over it. At the moment I’m having a period of panic attacks and they are happening at night at the moment before I go to sleep, I imagine myself having such a bad panic attack because of the pure O thoughts I blurt out everything and will have to be admitted to hospital because I sound insane. At this time as well, I’m finishing my masters and looking for a job which is most likely going to be somewhere completely new. I also have issues with having to turn everything off in the house so I don’t burn the house down and hurt anyone. I go through periods of having to count things occasionally otherwise I convince myself my mother is going to die if I don’t do it I think I’ve felt so alone in this, I just needed to reach out and feel that I can coexist with this. Even though it gets scary at time’s. I’m still crying as I write this at the idea I’ve shared this secret for the first time and I’m terrified of what whoever is reading this is thinking of me and that they think I’m insane. One of the biggest fears of mine during my anxiety and pure O is that I loose control and end up being taken away and that my parents don’t recognise me anymore. Thank you so much for reading, just don’t want to feel like this is a massive secret of mine and I don’t feel ready yet to tell anyone I know. My sister suffers terribly with OCD about cleanliness and hurting people so I wouldn’t never want to put this on her. It only affects my life from time to time but it’s always distressing to me. I have had such a wonderful and happy life despite this, I felt so proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety and agoraphobia that I feel so upset this still has a hold on me. I feel I need to remember I’ve achieved so much even though I feel lost at the moment.