Ma29

I’m worried this is going to get missed and I really need some input to help me - Is there any coming back from this? It feels like things are getting worse and worse. I can’t cope any longer. Needed to give baby a bath so I helped my husband, my sister was around too. We put baby in the bath and he decided to wee in the tub so my husband popped him on the bed with a towel wrapped around him so he doesn’t get cold and in the meantime went to change the tub water. I was watching the baby however got anxious and asked my sister to come back in the room. I even took a photo of baby in the towel so I could remind myself that I didn’t do anything inappropriate. When my sister came back in the room, the baby had flung the towel off himself so my immediate natural reaction was to put it back on to a) keep him warm and b) if he does wee, whilst waiting for his dad he will wee in the towel and it won’t go anywhere. So whilst my sister was there I picked the towel up very carefully with two fingers (like I’m touching something I’m not allowed to) and said ‘baby mummy doesn’t want to touch your wee wee area (basically his penis and for the sake of this I will refer to this as ‘p’ because I’m finding it distressing) so I’m just going to put towel on from here’ (so I lightly very quickly placed towel on the area). Once I do I get worried thinking ‘did I place the towel too hard on his P - hope it didn’t hurt him’ and I say to my sister - ‘is this ok’ and she says yes. Although I’m not sure how much she can see as she’s in a wheelchair and the bed was high up. Seconds later, I notice the towel move of his P and his P moves (I’m guessing he would have kicked this off) and I make a disgusted face and say that’s disgusting (because I don’t like that area). Then my husband comes back into the room and pops him back in the tub and too much amusement he does another wee again, I clean it up. At this point I’m ruminating and think - you didn’t do anything it’s fine it’s fine. But then the intrusive thought comes in saying ‘what if you moved the towel yourself when you saw his P move’. And now I’m in a massive panic because what if I moved the towel and that moved his P? im a bad person if I did ? How could I do that? I can’t remember why the towel moved and what moved his P but I do remember seeing this from above, ie I wasn’t bending down and don’t remember touching the towel for the second time again. The other day I got scared because my hand lightly grazed his lower back area when I was changing him and now this is just the worst thing ever because it’s relating to his P and he was naked because we were bathing him and I just can’t take it. What do I do? will it be better to end things so I don’t have to cope with the doubt and so my son and husband can live in peace - wont that be better because I can’t go on like this. It’s not fair on anyone. I feel like an awful human being.

Hi Snowbear - I am under the perinatal team, waiting list on nhs was too long so I have found a private therapist for now. She’s good. I don’t know what to make of the most recent incident I feel awful.

Thanks @Caramoole I’m sorry I’m taking your time - I don’t mean it, I’m just in such a dark place right now and things just got worse. I can’t go near his intimate part, it disgusts me and scares me. We just bathed him and an something happened which I am utterly disgusted about. I have had to post it as I need some help with it Asap.

Is there any coming back from this? It feels like things are getting worse and worse. I can’t cope any longer. Needed to give baby a bath so I helped my husband, my sister was around too. We put baby in the bath and he decided to wee in the tub so my husband popped him on the bed with a towel wrapped around him so he doesn’t get cold and in the meantime went to change the tub water. I was watching the baby however got anxious and asked my sister to come back in the room. I even took a photo of baby in the towel so I could remind myself that I didn’t do anything inappropriate. When my sister came back in the room, the baby had flung the towel off himself so my immediate natural reaction was to put it back on to a) keep him warm and b) if he does wee, whilst waiting for his dad he will wee in the towel and it won’t go anywhere. So whilst my sister was there I picked the towel up very carefully with two fingers (like I’m touching something I’m not allowed to) and said ‘baby mummy doesn’t want to touch your wee wee area (basically his penis and for the sake of this I will refer to this as ‘p’ because I’m finding it distressing) so I’m just going to put towel on from here’ (so I lightly very quickly placed towel on the area). Once I do I get worried thinking ‘did I place the towel too hard on his P - hope it didn’t hurt him’ and I say to my sister - ‘is this ok’ and she says yes. Although I’m not sure how much she can see as she’s in a wheelchair and the bed was high up. Seconds later, I notice the towel move of his P and his P moves (I’m guessing he would have kicked this off) and I make a disgusted face and say that’s disgusting (because I don’t like that area). Then my husband comes back into the room and pops him back in the tub and too much amusement he does another wee again, I clean it up. At this point I’m ruminating and think - you didn’t do anything it’s fine it’s fine. But then the intrusive thought comes in saying ‘what if you moved the towel yourself when you saw his P move’. And now I’m in a massive panic because what if I moved the towel and that moved his P? im a bad person if I did ? How could I do that? I can’t remember why the towel moved and what moved his P but I do remember seeing this from above, ie I wasn’t bending down and don’t remember touching the towel for the second time again. The other day I got scared because my hand lightly grazed his lower back area when I was changing him and now this is just the worst thing ever because it’s relating to his P and he was naked because we were bathing him and I just can’t take it. What do I do? will it be better to end things so I don’t have to cope with the doubt and so my son and husband can live in peace - wont that be better because I can’t go on like this. It’s not fair on anyone. I feel like an awful human being.

@snowbearnext time just happened now. I feel awful. Maybe I’m an awful human being.

I can’t do this anymore. I keep feeling like a bad person as I’m making too many mistakes. For example - if I’m rocking my baby and I start getting really anxious, I get flustered and then move that little bit faster or hold him closer to me in a panic but then I feel his dreaded nappy area too close to me and then feel like a bad person and feel guilty. It disgusts me so much. Why did I move so fast or bring him closer towards me - I should be more careful. I know I don’t do it with the intention of wanting it to happen and it’s because I’m getting anxious and flustered but then I get panicked and it all happens so so fast. Another thing I can’t shake of is the other day when I helped my husband change baby, I was putting his top on and in the process near the end my hand lightly grazed his lower back area near his bottom and I immediately got an intrusive thought and now again I’m feeling like a bad person because this shouldn’t have happened. I can’t cope with this anymore. It’s not worth living like this- I feel like I’m nearing the end of this pain and guilt and torture.

I need help - I can’t carry on going through this hell, it is tormenting me. I keep sitting here and asking but why did the top of my hand graze babys lower back - I should have been more careful, I shouldn’t have done this or let it happen, why did I feel so bad afterwards, if I hadn’t done anything wrong I wouldn’t have felt so bad? I wish I could go back in time and know what happened. I’m really hoping it is a reaction to a thought I had as @PolarBearis saying but I can’t help think what if otherwise. I love my baby. This is killing me. I don’t know how I will be able to forgive myself or go on in life. The worst worst case scenario that is tormenting me is the possibility that my thoughts took over in the moment and I did this on purpose or subconsciously albeit with no bad intention. Can someone please help me, I don’t want to live.

@PolarBearThanks. What I’m struggling with is surely any movement near anyone’s private area is a bad thing - so even a muscle movement is bad as although small, that could have some contact and therefore be bad which makes me bad? Hence why my fear seems really rational to me and isn’t minor but huge for me. My fear is don’t move your outer thigh muscle because that’s near x persons groin and if you move it - it is really really inappropriate (in my eyes) because it could have some potential contact with someone’s private area. And if you touch someone’s private area then surely that’s awful. It all seems major to me.

@Caramooleok thanks for explaining that - appreciate it. What I’m struggling with is surely any movement near anyone’s private area is a bad thing - so even a muscle movement is bad as although small, that could have some contact and therefore be bad which makes me bad? Hence why my fear seems really rational to me.

But @Caramoole How can it not be terrible? The other day a family member comes into the kitchen and I go and hide on the sofa, lie down and place a blanket on top of me and also leave an oil heater in front of the sofa to deter them from coming near me. All this because of my anxiety. Then they come to the sofa once and I try to remain really really still, fearful of moving my left outer thigh muscle which their groin area would most likely be facing. I remain still and they go away. I ruminate. Then they come near me again and the same fear strikes except this time whilst I was trying to deter them away from me, my foot slips of the sofa, leg moves and thigh moves and I feel a similar sensation which I was afraid of (outer thigh muscle moving). I can’t remember whether I moved this muscle myself in a state of panic / anxiety or it just happened (either way it was not to cause them any harm - if anything I was trying to do everything possible not to move). But I’m now worried they may have felt my outer thigh muscle move on their groin area or if not felt it still may have moved near their groin area. I was trying everything to avoid this from happening - it sickens me. I know my intention was not bad and I was trying for it not to happen but how can I forgive myself? I feel awful and have considered whether it’s better I’m not even here at times.

Hello, I have been avoiding changing my baby for the last few weeks and today I decided to help my husband. So I did just that and I helped put baby’s baby grow on and also his top. Whilst we were changing him I kept getting intrusive thoughts like this ‘oh no, I hope I didn’t touch his nappy area’ Put baby’s sleeve in his babygrow arm top and noticed his own hand nearly touched his nappy area and so my thought was ‘oh no, why did that happen - I didn’t do that on purpose’ Then put baby’s top on and pulled it down to fix it ( I think) and for some reason the top of my hand slightly grazed his lower back /bottom area and my thought was ‘oh no why did that happen, I didn’t do that on purpose’. It is the last one that that is bothering me the most as I felt the touch sensation and wondering why this happened ? I didn’t actively think I’m going to do this now and make my hand touch this area and I certainly didn’t enjoy it either . But my mind is telling me that this happened on purpose and I’m a bad person ? How do I combat this? I keep going over it and I just can’t remember WHY my hand touched baby’s lower back /bottom area whilst I was pulling his top down. I should have been more careful and I should have been paying much more attention whilst I was helping change him with my husband, if I paid attention I wouldn’t be in this stupid place thinking why why why. I feel like a bad person.

Hi there, This is really common in ocd, you are not alone. You seem to have recognised this is OCD and the behaviours you are carrying out are compulsions such as checking behaviours and re assurance seeking. I’m sorry you’re going through this, as a sufferer I know it’s really really distressing. Know, you are not your thoughts. I’m going through a terrible time at the moment and I wish I could sound as rational to myself as I am to you in times of need. Look after yourself, don’t be afraid of the thoughts. I understand your concern about sleep - try to take deep breaths in and out when/if you get anxious at night. Best of luck.

Because @Caramoole for arguments sake, if i was hugging someone and anxious that their groin area is touching me (which makes me really really uncomfortable - I hate it) and then my minds like don’t move the nearest muscle to that area don’t move, don’t move, don’t move and I move a muscle that makes me a bad person because I have moved a part of my body which was touching a forbidden part of someone else’s body. Do you see what I’m getting at here? That would be a terrible thing. Am I missing logic here? Please do explain what is going on - why am I failing to recognise something that others are?

Thanks @PolarBear You say flex or no flex, it’s all irrational anyway. However I’d like to challenge you and ask you the following:- Is this a common phenomenon in ocd especially harm ocd where you focus on the smallest movement such as moving a muscle or flexing a muscle and think it could cause harm? If someone says don’t scrunch your nose, you’re likely going to scrunch it. Do we apply the same logic when talking about having an obsession /fear about moving a particular muscle in your body? It’s so so small that it’s easy to do. But then if you do do it, out of anxiety you feel really bad for it? It’s very hard to explain and I’m not doing a very good job. what I’m trying to say is can obsessions focus on really small movements that the human mind finds hard to resist doing - such as flexing or moving a muscle in their own body? God forbid what if I’m hugging someone and my minds like don’t flex or move that specific tummy muscle and then it happens? Not to cause any harm or with any bad intention but just because of the nature of the obsession at present and because it’s such a small thing? Can this occur in ocd? I’ve never had this type before and it’s really really scaring me. Something as minor as moving a muscle in your own body is hard not to do.

I’ve been suffering from severe harm ocd for the last few weeks. I think any movement I do can be potentially harmful. Started of with moving my hips and now it’s become more specific to moving a muscle in my thigh. For example, I’m afraid of going near anyone in case I move this specific thigh muscle of mine by clenching the muscle. The movement is absolutely tiny and incapable of causing any harm to anyone but It makes me feel completely uncomfortable. If I think about it, it’s so easy to do ( a little like if someone tells you not to move your toe, you’ll move it). Feels like it has turned into a tic like movement which I’m obsessing over. If on the odd occasion I get anxious around anybody and I do clench it in a state of nervousness I beat myself up over it and the panic attacks resume. Am I the only one this has happened too? I am fearful going near anyone in case it happens. Has anyone experienced this? I’m scared, of going near others in case I do it in a state of anxiety. Like I said it’s harmless but it scares me a lot. Am I a bad person?

Thanks Cora, I hope you get better from this too - it’s really draining. Im wondering if @Caramooleor @PolarBear can help me gain some insight into this too.

Why does this happen, it’s killing me slowly - I can’t take it. Hello, Why does this happen? I’m doing something normal, intrusive thought pops in and then something really minor happens like my arm flinches ever so slightly or it moves I’m not sure why but not with a bad intention just happens automatically and it’s so slight that if someone was watching they wouldn’t notice. It also happens in the space of seconds or a second or two. One of the examples I can give, :- Situation - I’m burping my baby on my shoulder (supporting him with my arm under his bottom to hold him up on my shoulder and using the other hand to rub his back). I’m feeling really anxious about something else I have been focusing on during the last few days. I then get a thought saying ‘oh no I hope I’m not holding him too tightly against me’ and a second after I feel my arm flinch or move really really slightly, less than a cm and then I feel baby move ever so slightly and in particular the area I hate thinking of moving into me. I hate it - then, I change position immediately and get really really anxious. Then I feel like an awful awful person, beating myself up over things like this for hours sometimes days. thinking about why my arm moved ect. Can anyone else relate to this? Any mums out there who suffer a similar thing? I don’t mean to cause any type of harm to anybody at all - it’s the last thing I want, I’d rather not be alive than to even think that and at times it does make me feel whether I deserve to live as this is all too much at times. This disease is slowly taking a mother away from her baby, it is breaking my heart - I am becoming more and more withdrawn from him and every time I do try and take one step forward, I take two steps back.

Hello All, My ocd seems to be getting worse and worse. Yesterday evening I had an intrusive thought/image of wriggling my right toe somewhere inappropriate whilst my husband was sitting on the edge of the sofa at my feet. At the time I thought wow that is sure an intrusive thought, let it go. I was fine. But, it started to haunt me during the night and I was wriggling my toe all night due to anxiety and wondering what if I had done something wrong by wriggling my toe. What ifs kept flooding in - what if I did this what if I did that. I convinced myself I may have done something wrong. Since I have been wriggling my toes in a state of anxiety. So much, I had several panic attacks during the night. This morning my sister was sitting at the edge of the sofa by my feet again (there was a distance) and I started to wriggle my right toe because I felt anxious replaying yesterday’s thought(above). She picked up baby at the same time, I got anxious and placed a cushion in-front of my feet (worried because I didn’t want to touch her or the baby with my wriggly toe). Baby started to cry and kicked the cushion slightly so lightly touched my foot. I was still really anxious thinking about my toes and my right toe wriggled (I can’t remember at what point but do vaguely remember my right toe wriggling). I now feel awful, like I’ve done a terrible terrible thing because my toe wriggled. I wriggled it in a state of anxiety because I have been since yesterday evening. I’m worried I may have touched his foot whilst I wriggled my toe - I just can’t really remember all I know is that my right toe wriggled and probably because I was anxious. Last thing I wanted was for my toe to wriggle. But my mind is telling me I’m a bad person ect. If I continue thinking about this it will get worse and my mind will convince me that I did xyz. This is the most bizarre ocd fear I have had to date, wriggling my big toe. What is going on here? It just feels like if I think something so irrational like not moving my finger or my toe I’m going to move it because it’s so stupid and is harmless. If I tell someone without ocd they may have a good laugh but for me this is really very real. I honestly feel like I’ve done something awful by wriggling my toe. I really didn’t want to wriggle it and it just happened in a state of anxiety I guess. Can someone please help - what’s going on here in my ocd brain? I’ve been having a really bad dip of ocd for the last 4 weeks, have lost a lot of weight and constantly having panic attacks. I want this to be over. Thanks

Hello I’m having a major setback with my ocd at the moment and it has taken all different angles for the last 2 weeks. The most recent one being harm ocd. I was in a shop this week with my husband. I was feeling very anxious just before we went to the till. We paid for our things and started exiting the shop. Upon exit the isle was narrow so my husband stepped in-front of me to allow space for both of us to pass. Within seconds I realised that there was a family to my left hand side, specifically a pushchair with a child in it with the rest of the family - this caused me to have a panic attack (small space/didn’t want to go near anyone), I automatically found the idea of my left hand which was by my side possibly even touching anything really distressing so I moved my left arm into the right side of my coat whilst we walked past - probably only a few steps forward. And we were out of the shop. I’m sure many of you can guess what happens next. My mind starts racing. Heart starts pounding. Intrusive thoughts come racing in. What ifs come flooding in. What if I did something not good and can’t remember, - I’m a terrible person. This has been playing on my mind for nearly 2 days, I’ve not eaten just drunk water. Thinking of all the what ifs is really impacting me. Why am I not trusting myself and why am I thinking of all the what ifs. I am convincing myself that I will now have to live my life in fear until I really know what happened (even though all that happened was what I have described but my mind won’t allow me to accept and is doubting everything).What if I did that, what if I did this, when really I got scared my hand might touch something so I moved it away but I can’t help thinking what if xyz happened instead. How do I get out of this living hell? What am I supposed to do. Has anyone else found themselves in this situation? What is this ? What is going on in my mind ?? Is this normal in ocd? I’m so scared.

Hey Burny Thank you - it’s nice we are all so supportive on this forum. You have summarised exactly what ocd is doing to me right now and it sure is a like a dark storm over me. It’s really making me feel awful. Like you have said the simplest of tasks like soothing my baby or washing up can feel horrible. I can be doing something and at the same time an intrusive thought pops up and it makes me feel I did something with a bad intention because the thought pops up at the same time. Is this normal for ocd ? I feel awful and just want to enjoy my life - I can’t and I feel like I’m a burden on others around me when I go on and on about my ocd. I have had an awful year dealing with grief of a very close loved one and at the same time now trying to battle a new kind of ocd. I have also been blessed with a baby too which I’m so grateful for but ocd is ruining the ability for me to be happy at the moment . I’m still grateful for everything but it’s hard at times. It’s really lovely you are willing to help others with ocd.

Hey Summer Thank you for your reply and kind words- I hope you’re okay, it’s unfair you have to go through this but I guess we are not alone. I’m a new mama and I feel like my ocd is at its peak - anxiety is high and i have suffered intrusive thoughts for a long time but this is a new kind and it breaks my heart. I then feel really bad and like a bad person. I hate talking about it . I wonder if there are any other mums who experience this. I feel so terrible. I know I’m not my thoughts but sometimes it’s so difficult to fight this thing.

Thank you

Hello, I’m wondering if others experience the following as I’m finding it hard to cope with. I could be doing a normal action and at the same time an intrusive though comes into my head which then makes me feel Terrible because it feels like I carried out the action with a bad intention. Example below Action - handing over a cup of tea (which is hot) to someone. Thought - this could be dangerous because it’s hot. Outcome - I am a bad person, why did I hand it over if I knew it could be dangerous ? I’m a bad person. What happened ? Replaying the event in my mind. The above is one of the more easier scenarios to deal with - I find this is happening a lot with loved ones I care for and intrusive thoughts are worse. Thanks

Hello Just want to say you are not alone. Intrusive thoughts Are unwanted thoughts. For me they are often based around my loved ones and I also can get thoughts about my husband which I find very distressing. When this happens I try to tell myself that I am not my thoughts and it helps me as I remind myself that thoughts are just thoughts and they don’t define me or my feelings towards the subject in question. It helps me keep myself grounded and allows me to recenter myself back to my rational mind

Thanks Snowbear Appreciate that. I just worry whether I’ll be able to look past it if I go ahead with the name.