Ma29

Edit - I have just realised I didn’t point it slightly upwards I just turned the bidet around so it was facing the bottom. This triggered the ocd to set off and my anxiety. I think this is an example how ocd can lead to me interpreting things wrong too. sorry

Hello. Sounds like you need to see a therapist - Are you seeing one? Tackle one thing at a time with them. I would advise you to keep yourself busy and that you need to feel a sense of normality too. Wear whatever you have and go for a walk or grocery shop just get out of flat and do what you’d normally do - no one will care if you haven’t washed your clothes. Once you have a sense of normality it will be easier for you to see what’s happening as it seems like you’re in a negative spiral at the moment and I get why but you need to get out of it. I have suffered contamination ocd and when I get thoughts like yours, I.e my towels not clean enough or my towel touched the floor when I took it out of washing machine I need to wash again, I stop myself and ask - what is the worst that’s going to happen if my towel is not clean? The answer is always nothing. Cooking smell - is it possible for cooking smell to contaminate everything and what would happen? Best of luck but do seek help because if it’s stopping you from doing your daily activities then really important you seek help

Please don’t judge me Why is my mind always scanning my movements ? It’s almost as thought it knows what will happen next before it even happens Example - I’m potty training my toddler. they do number two. We have a bidet they want me to wash bottom. So I wash and they are laughing because it’s ticklish. My mind feels like it starts scanning automatically, like it knows what’s going to happen next. Im washing we are laughing but part of my mind is scanning - I then angle the bidet slighty upwards (NO SPECIFIC REASON NO INTENTION but maybe because that’s how I use it, I have no idea). But it felt like my mind already knew I wouldn’t be able to cope with changing the angle and that it would trigger intrusive thought and cause anxiety. I can’t sleep, my jaw hurts from clenching, my body hurts, I have a family to look after. I’m postnatal and have started meds again as I stopped a few months ago which was a silly thing to do I know. I’ve also contacted a therapist so I am doing things to help but I am in a dark place and I can’t get over the bidet thing. I just can’t. It’s like my mind knew It would trigger something, I should have not angled it upwards to save myself living this hell. Please can I have some advice on how to get over this. What I do KNOW is I didn’t have any bad intentions but I still need to know why I did angle the bidet and I should have stopped myself before as like I said I’m living a hell. I have a beautiful family, I have a loving and supportive husband and I want to try my best for him and my kids but my mind is taking over.

Hello @mc1971 I have read your post and can understand your worries from an ocd perspective. I’ve been there with very similar worries. Thinking I’m moving towards someone when naturally walking past them, adamant I may have behaved in a wrong manner and not remember or not realising in a public space. In fact when my ocd first started after my baby this was the first type of worry. Ocd can do incredibly strange things - it can magnify things, you’ve walked two steps to the left but it makes you feel as though you purposely walked two steps to the right towards the lady approaching you. Don’t believe any of it . It’s all one big scam.

Sorry to hear that @mc1971 .. Recently, I have found myself saying a particular phrase when I realise a viscous cycle is starting. The phrase is ‘this too shall pass’. It’s a reminder to myself that it will pass and I will see the light soon. I hope it can help you too.

Can ocd present itself like this? trigger - toddler making a strange noise, triggers thought and sensation. Mind goes into overdrive - don’t move don’t move groin. If you move that’ll be awful. I’m lying on front which is a compulsive behaviour as I’ve been doing it out of fear. Fear of groin at the moment. I flinch my groin. something awful has happened. Why is this happening to me. how do I just ignore it? Polar bear said in my previous post to say you’ll come back to it later but when things are so scary how can you do that

Thanks everyone for the above responses I have taken note

Hi @mc1971 thank you for your kind words. I hope you’re doing ok

Hello whenever I get thoughts / feelings / sensations the panic sets in and I start to ruminate - what happened, why, what was my intention ect. It takes some time for my mind to gain clarity and like a switch I can see clearly. A temperamental switch that is. This week has been really tough. I’m trying my best to deal with this ocd and to navigate through motherhood, alone without any family near by but I don’t know how much longer I can go on for. it’s like a living hell. A few nights ago I jumped into bed, tired and sleepy. My toddler was sleeping in my bed, I turned around to get comfortable on my side facing away from him however in the process stuck my bottom out in the process which triggered a thought which triggered a sensation. I was so sleepy I thought I’ll deal with this tomorrow and fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and all of a sudden remembered this and panic set in. Why did I stick my bottom out / what was my intention / what exactly happened ect ect. Why did I move in that way why did a thought come into my head why did I feel sensation why why why why. I can’t move past it. I feel like an awful person. my mind is not gaining clarity on this occasion. I’ve been trying I really have. my mind is not my friend. any help appreciated.

Thank you @PolarBear but why didn’t it cause me distress straight away as soon as it happened? Why did the feeling feel so real and then only a few moments later did I feel the distress? I don’t get it - I should have been repulsed straight after but I wasn’t it was only a few mins later I realised and the anxiety kicked in?

Thanks all for advice I appreciate it so when I got this feeling that I was doing something awful it was just overwhelming like it took over my whole body as in something awful was happening when all I was doing was tickling my son. But also I didn’t feel bad for it afterwards until a few minutes later and then then I realised what had happened . This then made me feel awful as I thought my goodness why didn’t I feel bad about what just happened however I’ve now realised after days that I didn’t feel bad about what had happened because nothing bad happened it was just a feeling with bodily sensations… I was tickling my son and at the same time I got a feeling that I was doing something bad and that I’m a bad person but it was just a feeling so I wasn’t going to feel bad about it immediately because nothing happened to feel bad about. Does this make sense? Has anyone else been through something similar ? I just can’t explain it very well. Tickling son and all of a sudden a feeling that I’m doing something awful and as bad person and enjoying doing it but again I didn’t do anything bad it was just a feeling ?

Has anyone experienced anything similar? Can ocd cause unwanted feelings. Can ocd make your feelings feel real ? a few years ago I struggled with awful post natal ocd mainly intrusive thoughts and about being a bad person when it came to my baby. Snowbear and camomile May remember me.. A few nights ago I was putting my toddler to sleep and had my arm around him. We were singing songs and i tickled him on his arm but as soon as I said ‘tickly wickly’ and felt my fingers tickling his arm a feeling emerged that I’m doing this as a bad person and for bad reasons and enjoying it. It all came at once. I know it sounds so stupid and I’m so ashamed to even be typing this. No one will understand but yes I’m losing sleep and not eating and anxious over this incident of tickling my boy. The feeling felt so real. I feel awful and guilty. I wish I had stopped myself from tickling him I shouldn’t have gone ahead but I did and now I don’t know how to move on from this. has anyone got any advice please thanks

Hello Everyone, Sending well wishes to all of you and a thank you to helping me make it through the year as best as I could. I think about you all everyday when I am having a moment of peace but also when I’m having a tough day. This year has been full of ups and downs but more ups than downs. I finally received help from the perinatal team - my therapist was absolutely fantastic and after a few remote sessions she concluded that I was well aware of the theory and aware of CBT principles and suggested to continue my treatment by visiting me each week to carry out some real time experiments ect. I will be forever grateful to her as I am to you guys who helped me. I still have tough days, the thoughts don’t disappear but I’ve learnt ways to manage my response to these. Limited but not included to square breathing, choosing to feed the good wolf (who protects me and gives me strength) or choosing to feed the bad wolf (ocd) by compulsions, remembering that intentions matter, remembering that ocd is also a feeling problem and that it can produce unwanted feelings as well. I have also found that when I would carry out compulsions, my mind was always cloudy and that’s why I would carry these out as I couldn’t see clearly - I now always give myself time. Get a thought > makes me feel anxious > urge to carry out a compulsion > tell myself to give myself a few days = in a few days my mind is less clearly and I can see exactly what happened and how this was just ocd. I know it sounds easier than it is but time is really important and its an important reminder that if you are experiencing any mental health problem, to allow yourself time, time to calm down, time to relax, time to reflect and time to heal. I have been able to have lovely moments with my family, have been able to focus on myself via self care and although I’ve gained a few extra pounds I am now ready to start losing the same ! To those of you struggling / having a challenging time - give yourself time, with the right help you can get through this. I don’t say any of this lightly - I still have tough days, days when the thoughts are rushing in ect and I have had my fair share of challenges and was in a very different place this time last year so I know how tough it can be. I hope if anything I can give you all hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it’s possible for ocd sufferers to live a good life. Be patient with yourselves, don’t be too hard on yourselves and reach out for help and support. Sending lots of well wishes to you all. I’d love to answer any questions if anyone has any - nothing more that I want to do than help others like me suffering from ocd.

@PolarBear I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have too Anyone out there who can help me some more please - @snowbear / @Caramoole

Thank you for your kind words @Mini- I really appreciate it. I hope you are okay. I’m just finding this all really tough. Sometimes not always, when I’m in close proximity with anyone but especially with baby the ocd gets triggered and the unwanted thoughts come in but more recently it’s presented as a ‘feeling of something bad is about to happen. It is always specific to the groin area as ocd has given the groin a bad meaning such as ‘nothing must touch my groin area and my groin area should not touch anything or anyone because it is only used for intimacy and so will be deemed as inappropriate’. I’m trying to be logical about this but need to know if I’m doing the right thing. situation :- baby is lying down next to me, everything is fine but then the ocd gets triggered and gives the feeling that my groin is about to move towards his direction, or I’m about to do this purposely. As I think my groin is taboo and only used for a certain reason then there are intrusive feelings attached to this too such as if someone finds intimacy pleasurable then a pleasurable feeling comes in at the same time of the thought/initial feeling or if someone likes intimacy then this feeling of like comes when experience the initial intrusive thought or feeling but the only reason that happens is because of this warped meaning the ocd has given to the groin and because it causes me anxiety. And also because of the theme of ocd - no way do I want to be feeling this towards anyone, not my mum/sister/brother/baby! Does this make sense to anyone? Im really scared - Do those feelings come because they are feared too because of the ocd? How do I tackle this?

Hello.. im feeling trapped again and need some advice please. i have been dealing with the intrusive thoughts the best I can. This week is proving really tough. I may be sitting or lying idle with m baby and and all of a sudden I get this intrusive feeling that I will do what I’m fearing - This is always focused on the groin area and specifically moving my groin towards baby. Can ocd produce unwanted feelings? For example make you feel like something bad is going to happen OR make you feel like you are about to do the thing you fear? can OCD try to convince you that you even like what you fear - for example if my mums sitting next to me and ocd makes me feel like I want to touch her knee but then makes me feel like I will even like it if I do that? Thanks

Hello Everyone, I hope everyone is ok. I am struggling again and I am feeling very overwhelmed and confused. Today I had two situations where everything just felt wrong. situation one - was whilst I was rocking baby to sleep - ocd was picking on everything, if I thought baby smelt then it would turn this into something inappropriate, if I moved then it would turn that into something inappropriate, if I stayed completely still it would feel like I’ve done something wrong. situation 2 - I had been thinking about the above all day, scared and anxious. It’s bedtime and i didn’t want baby feeding himself so I picked him up and put him in my lap to have a cuddle and feed him. After he finished his bottle he started to play around, hesitant to sleep. Ocd starts talking - don’t move your tummy up and down because that moves your groin area - and what happens - I breathe and my tummy moves up and down. Then I notice whilst he is lying in my arms that he has something in his ear and so whilst I have the opportunity I scrape it out with my finger - as I’m doing so, I notice that he stops wriggling and starts to feel drowsy - much to my amusement I noticed that the more I rubbed his ear the more sleepy he got and was slowly drifting. I carried on running the inside and outside of his ear, and boom - ocd thought associates it with something inappropriate and from that moment everything I do is wrong. He then started lifting his head up to look around as I popped him on my shoulder and whilst he was on my shoulder I gave him a cuddle but it felt wrong because the ocd was focusing on my groin area - then I gave him a peck on cheek but noticed it was too close to his lips as he moved and I thought it was his cheek - then I cuddled him again and again it all just felt wrong. I’m really fearful and scared. The more I am scared of something feeling wrong the more it does and then the more I think I’ve done something wrong. Sorry to go on. pls can someone help me? Thanks

Hey @Caramoole Thanks. It is a flash of ocd but it’s horrible. Why did I swipe my finger - I feel awful.

Hello, Sorry to let everyone down but I’m starting to fall into a trap again and need some support please. I was on the phone to my sister, and at the same time getting some books for my baby from the shelf whilst holding him. My hand was in between his legs / nappy area because that’s how I was holding him as I was occupied with the other hand. As we moved back from the shelf a signal went off in my brain ‘don’t move your finger / in a swipe motion because that’s bad’ and automatically what happens? I carry on and move my finger from the hand which was around his nappy/ in between his legs ) whilst in process of repositioning. Now I would most likely have had to move my finger anyway to reposition him but everything about this felt wrong. I can’t explain it - am I explaining it well enough? It was like a don’t do it it’s WRONG and then bam it happened and now I feel awful. I want to get into bed but I also don’t want to fall into that cycle again - can someone help pls? It all happened so quickly and at the same time. When it happened an image also comes into my hand of the swipe motion and finger movement - I hate it. Sorry again

I’m really glad you are making progress. I too am still learning to recognise how obsessions can sneakily make an appearance but I feel like I’m getting better at it.. It helps me dismiss the thoughts rather than ruminate over them.. well done for managing the ocd whilst you’ve been sick ( I can appreciate that’s not an easy thing to do)!

@Caramoole I hope everything is okay with you - I did notice you haven’t been around as much but hoped you were well. I guess I’m learning to recognise what is ocd.. it’s really tough because at times it can be really convincing and scary.. I have tried my very best not to come on the forum for re assurance and to dismiss everything as ocd nonsense - I hope I’m doing the right thing. You mentioned you’re proud of how far I’ve come… this wouldn’t have been possible without the support I have received from you and many others on this forum. The support I have received here in all the dark times is what got me to this day now - I am fearful to think what I would have done without the support from my forum friends - I will be forever grateful.

Thanks everyone - I appreciate your ongoing support and kind words

Pleased to see everyone’s achievements here, this thread is a great reminder to all of us that we can overcome this beast called ocd. I think of this forum every single day - mostly hoping everyone is okay and also thankful for the support I’ve received here. I try purposely not to visit the forum on the bad days as I know I’ll be using it for one thing only which won’t be helpful to me at all. I have been busy with my baby, the ocd is still very much active but I haven’t stopped caring for my baby and do everything in terms of care for him now. I have support from my wonderful husband and mum but not like I did a couple of months ago - my mum would be taking care of my baby 9-5pm with my husband taking over at 5pm. I’m now able to get up in the mornings and not dial my mums number as soon as my eyes open, begging her to come over and help me - instead I’m able to get up, pick my boy up from his cot, bath him, feed him some weetabix and get on with the day - albeit the thoughts are there and intense as ever. I’ve described them like a broken cassette player, when you press the forward button and it gets stuck and keeps making that awful noise - that noise is like the ocd thoughts - I hate it and it’s incredibly tough but I try to remember the advice many wonderful people on this forum have given me. One particular line I remind myself of is ‘you must sit with the uncomfortable feelings / anxiety and ride it out ‘. I try and do just that. It’s tough so tough. I’m trying to just trust the process.

Of course and then you can spend mental effort eating them after and thinking how delicious they are Try not to think about the activity too much, anything that you enjoy will be good.. Have you looked into mindfulness to help you be more present in the moment? It works for some. For example when I find myself attending to the thoughts I often look for 5 things around me that I can/could smell / hear and taste. I find it works for me sometimes.

Hello NLL, I hope you’re okay. I have been offline for a while as I was purposefully avoiding the forum for a while to help me with recovery. I saw your post when I left and i see things have progressed since then which I can see has been distressing for you. I haven’t read everything as it’s 11 pages worth but - I hope you’re getting some help for the ocd - that is what you need to be looking at. Have you spoken to any medical professional? I wish it was as simple as just putting this all in a box, padlocking it and chucking it in the pacific Ocean where it will never ever be found again. I often find that sometimes our obsessions like to stay in the Dead Sea and float, so always there for us to reach. I am really tired so I hope I’m making sense.