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Everything posted by Ma29

  1. @PolarBear I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t have too Anyone out there who can help me some more please - @snowbear / @Caramoole
  2. Thank you for your kind words @Mini- I really appreciate it. I hope you are okay. I’m just finding this all really tough. Sometimes not always, when I’m in close proximity with anyone but especially with baby the ocd gets triggered and the unwanted thoughts come in but more recently it’s presented as a ‘feeling of something bad is about to happen. It is always specific to the groin area as ocd has given the groin a bad meaning such as ‘nothing must touch my groin area and my groin area should not touch anything or anyone because it is only used for intimacy and so will be deemed as inappropriate’. I’m trying to be logical about this but need to know if I’m doing the right thing. situation :- baby is lying down next to me, everything is fine but then the ocd gets triggered and gives the feeling that my groin is about to move towards his direction, or I’m about to do this purposely. As I think my groin is taboo and only used for a certain reason then there are intrusive feelings attached to this too such as if someone finds intimacy pleasurable then a pleasurable feeling comes in at the same time of the thought/initial feeling or if someone likes intimacy then this feeling of like comes when experience the initial intrusive thought or feeling but the only reason that happens is because of this warped meaning the ocd has given to the groin and because it causes me anxiety. And also because of the theme of ocd - no way do I want to be feeling this towards anyone, not my mum/sister/brother/baby! Does this make sense to anyone? Im really scared - Do those feelings come because they are feared too because of the ocd? How do I tackle this?
  3. Hello.. im feeling trapped again and need some advice please. i have been dealing with the intrusive thoughts the best I can. This week is proving really tough. I may be sitting or lying idle with m baby and and all of a sudden I get this intrusive feeling that I will do what I’m fearing - This is always focused on the groin area and specifically moving my groin towards baby. Can ocd produce unwanted feelings? For example make you feel like something bad is going to happen OR make you feel like you are about to do the thing you fear? can OCD try to convince you that you even like what you fear - for example if my mums sitting next to me and ocd makes me feel like I want to touch her knee but then makes me feel like I will even like it if I do that? Thanks
  4. Hello Everyone, I hope everyone is ok. I am struggling again and I am feeling very overwhelmed and confused. Today I had two situations where everything just felt wrong. situation one - was whilst I was rocking baby to sleep - ocd was picking on everything, if I thought baby smelt then it would turn this into something inappropriate, if I moved then it would turn that into something inappropriate, if I stayed completely still it would feel like I’ve done something wrong. situation 2 - I had been thinking about the above all day, scared and anxious. It’s bedtime and i didn’t want baby feeding himself so I picked him up and put him in my lap to have a cuddle and feed him. After he finished his bottle he started to play around, hesitant to sleep. Ocd starts talking - don’t move your tummy up and down because that moves your groin area - and what happens - I breathe and my tummy moves up and down. Then I notice whilst he is lying in my arms that he has something in his ear and so whilst I have the opportunity I scrape it out with my finger - as I’m doing so, I notice that he stops wriggling and starts to feel drowsy - much to my amusement I noticed that the more I rubbed his ear the more sleepy he got and was slowly drifting. I carried on running the inside and outside of his ear, and boom - ocd thought associates it with something inappropriate and from that moment everything I do is wrong. He then started lifting his head up to look around as I popped him on my shoulder and whilst he was on my shoulder I gave him a cuddle but it felt wrong because the ocd was focusing on my groin area - then I gave him a peck on cheek but noticed it was too close to his lips as he moved and I thought it was his cheek - then I cuddled him again and again it all just felt wrong. I’m really fearful and scared. The more I am scared of something feeling wrong the more it does and then the more I think I’ve done something wrong. Sorry to go on. pls can someone help me? Thanks
  5. Hey @Caramoole Thanks. It is a flash of ocd but it’s horrible. Why did I swipe my finger - I feel awful.
  6. Hello, Sorry to let everyone down but I’m starting to fall into a trap again and need some support please. I was on the phone to my sister, and at the same time getting some books for my baby from the shelf whilst holding him. My hand was in between his legs / nappy area because that’s how I was holding him as I was occupied with the other hand. As we moved back from the shelf a signal went off in my brain ‘don’t move your finger / in a swipe motion because that’s bad’ and automatically what happens? I carry on and move my finger from the hand which was around his nappy/ in between his legs ) whilst in process of repositioning. Now I would most likely have had to move my finger anyway to reposition him but everything about this felt wrong. I can’t explain it - am I explaining it well enough? It was like a don’t do it it’s WRONG and then bam it happened and now I feel awful. I want to get into bed but I also don’t want to fall into that cycle again - can someone help pls? It all happened so quickly and at the same time. When it happened an image also comes into my hand of the swipe motion and finger movement - I hate it. Sorry again
  7. I’m really glad you are making progress. I too am still learning to recognise how obsessions can sneakily make an appearance but I feel like I’m getting better at it.. It helps me dismiss the thoughts rather than ruminate over them.. well done for managing the ocd whilst you’ve been sick ( I can appreciate that’s not an easy thing to do)!
  8. @Caramoole I hope everything is okay with you - I did notice you haven’t been around as much but hoped you were well. I guess I’m learning to recognise what is ocd.. it’s really tough because at times it can be really convincing and scary.. I have tried my very best not to come on the forum for re assurance and to dismiss everything as ocd nonsense - I hope I’m doing the right thing. You mentioned you’re proud of how far I’ve come… this wouldn’t have been possible without the support I have received from you and many others on this forum. The support I have received here in all the dark times is what got me to this day now - I am fearful to think what I would have done without the support from my forum friends - I will be forever grateful.
  9. Thanks everyone - I appreciate your ongoing support and kind words
  10. Pleased to see everyone’s achievements here, this thread is a great reminder to all of us that we can overcome this beast called ocd. I think of this forum every single day - mostly hoping everyone is okay and also thankful for the support I’ve received here. I try purposely not to visit the forum on the bad days as I know I’ll be using it for one thing only which won’t be helpful to me at all. I have been busy with my baby, the ocd is still very much active but I haven’t stopped caring for my baby and do everything in terms of care for him now. I have support from my wonderful husband and mum but not like I did a couple of months ago - my mum would be taking care of my baby 9-5pm with my husband taking over at 5pm. I’m now able to get up in the mornings and not dial my mums number as soon as my eyes open, begging her to come over and help me - instead I’m able to get up, pick my boy up from his cot, bath him, feed him some weetabix and get on with the day - albeit the thoughts are there and intense as ever. I’ve described them like a broken cassette player, when you press the forward button and it gets stuck and keeps making that awful noise - that noise is like the ocd thoughts - I hate it and it’s incredibly tough but I try to remember the advice many wonderful people on this forum have given me. One particular line I remind myself of is ‘you must sit with the uncomfortable feelings / anxiety and ride it out ‘. I try and do just that. It’s tough so tough. I’m trying to just trust the process.
  11. Of course and then you can spend mental effort eating them after and thinking how delicious they are Try not to think about the activity too much, anything that you enjoy will be good.. Have you looked into mindfulness to help you be more present in the moment? It works for some. For example when I find myself attending to the thoughts I often look for 5 things around me that I can/could smell / hear and taste. I find it works for me sometimes.
  12. Hello NLL, I hope you’re okay. I have been offline for a while as I was purposefully avoiding the forum for a while to help me with recovery. I saw your post when I left and i see things have progressed since then which I can see has been distressing for you. I haven’t read everything as it’s 11 pages worth but - I hope you’re getting some help for the ocd - that is what you need to be looking at. Have you spoken to any medical professional? I wish it was as simple as just putting this all in a box, padlocking it and chucking it in the pacific Ocean where it will never ever be found again. I often find that sometimes our obsessions like to stay in the Dead Sea and float, so always there for us to reach. I am really tired so I hope I’m making sense.
  13. Thanks everyone @Lynz I have had an absolutely horrible experience getting under the perinatal team. I was automatically not seen as a tier 4 patient and so was not prioritised to see a psychologist OR to receive CBT. I was judged because I refused to go to a mother and baby unit as I had family with me at home and so they didn’t think I was bad enough to be under their care. It’s been horrendous. After months of not being taken seriously I lost it at them and finally got to speak to a psychiatrist and the head of psychology who apologised for the way the perinatal team had treated me to date. I start therapy sessions next week. Due to the above, I have had to pay for private CBT therapy since December which has obviously cost me a lot of money, we are talking over £1k - not how I thought I’d be using my savings but I was in a terrible place, feeling suicidal and something needed to be done. Sorry for the rant
  14. Hey Marie Jo. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I can understand how difficult it must be. What you describe is common for me too. The ocd is like a controlling beast. I find myself washing my baby’s bottles again and again at the sink till my hands are raw, or coughing in my own home and then realising I’ve touched a bannister half an hour later and worrying about the impact this is going to have on my family. The day before my father passed away, I was worried that my sister had touched something that was wet and then touched him and so I found myself sanitising dads forehead where she touched him. It now all makes me feel terribly sad that ocd took hold of me even then when my dad had one more day left with us. I believe a lot of this is about ocd sufferers like me and you who feel as though we are responsible for everything including harm coming to our loved ones, which is called inflated responsibility and then also a tendency to overestimate the likelihood of something bad happening which is called overestimation of threat. You may know all of this but it helped me understand what is going on for me and why I feel like I do. Are you receiving any CBT for the ocd? I covered the above in my CBT sessions and it was helpful. The therapist also gave me experiments to carry out in order to help challenge this very issue. How can we help you? I feel saddened seeing your post because I’ve been there myself and am there now too, trying to cope with it as best as I can by applying CBT techniques I’ve learnt. It’s not easy at all. Take care Ma
  15. Ok thanks @Caramoole im honestly trying my utmost best to carry on and not ruminate or avoid my baby - it’s so so tough.
  16. Hello. My baby was crying and so I jumped up to do the night feed. I also had an instinct he’d done a dirty nappy as it felt like that sort of cry. I got up, made his milk and picked him up and was thinking whether he’d done a dirty nappy. I don’t like to change him unnecessarily as he struggles to go back to sleep. After picking him up I was unsure if it needed changing and so I thought I’d proceed to feed him. I placed him on my lap to feed him and ocd kicks in making me anxious he doesn’t touch my groin whilst I pop him on my lap. Then as I’m feeding him again, nappy feels heavy so I touch his bottom to check if it’s wet but I felt that I slightly I pressed his bottom instead of just touched and it feels absolutely wrong in the moment and makes me feel like a terrible terrible person. It was the pressure of the press that made me anxious. As soon as I noticed the pressure of the press it gave me a bad feeling and also an unwanted feeling of liking that and then the doubts start coming in - why did I do that / what was my intention / why did I press it / what happened / it felt wrong /. The ocd Makes me feel like I pressed his bottom for a wrong reason, I don’t know what happened and why I pressed his bottom when checking. I then started having a panic attack, sweating and hyperventilating and now I’m in the bathroom scared to go back to bed. I hate this. I feel absolutely awful. I feel like I did something bad by pressing his bottom - it was meant to be a gentle touch, I never do that so why did it happen this time. I’m very very scared. I love him so dearly, he is my whole heart.
  17. @Zelda Thank you for your response. I will try my best to remember that each day is a new day and also that anything that causes me anxiety is still ocd. I think what happens is I might have a few days where I’m coping okay and then an intense few days where I’m not and so I tend to forget everything I’ve learnt about ocd in the last few months. My mind is clearer now and I can truly see that the smelly thing was ocd and I was in a state of high emotion and over reacted. I will try to remind myself a bad day is just that, a bad day.. I hope you are doing okay Zelda and I hope you’ve had a good Tuesday.
  18. Stop trying to figure it out and recognise it’s ocd? Using your famous words. let.it.go i just feel awful as soon as it happened I had a massive panic attack, felt like I couldn’t breathe. I also had an awful night with horrible dreams around the obsession and I hate it. I feel like I’m going back to sq 1
  19. This is going to sound ridiculous but here goes. As you know I’ve got ocd based around inappropriateness towards others including my baby. One of my obsessions relates to smell and the baby. I don’t know why - but ocd associates the smell of baby’s hands and feet with something bad (sexual/ inappropriate). I think because sometimes the smell reminds me of an adults smell 😕 and because ocd is based around this theme it makes the association with something bad (sexual). So… anytime the baby puts his hands on my face I feel very very anxious. Scared in case I smell his hands or if I like the smell of his hands. This evening my husband handed him over as he wasn’t sleeping - he’s been awake for 8 hours straight, with teething pain. I’m sitting with my mum on the sofa trying to rock him to sleep and notice the hip movement again and then start thinking about intentions and feelings trying to neutralise my thoughts and remind myself it’s all ocd (unsure if neutralise is the right word). Then baby puts his hands on my nose and I smell them but at the same time I get a feeling that I like the smell and it gives me a weird sensation. It also makes me feel as though I smelt his hands for a bad reason. I don’t know why I smelt his hand, I wish I didn’t, and now because ocd was kicking in it’s made me feel like I smelt his hand for a bad reason. It all happened once, the ocd thought / feeling / action ect ect. I can’t believe this happened and I feel awful. As I type this it sounds stupid but it’s all very real for me and I feel awful. Can someone help please
  20. Hey Summer, I hope you’ve managed to get some rest. Its really important you don’t let moments like this hinder your achievements or Road to recovery. Think about how far you’ve come. This will only hinder your recovery if you let it. You know that I’ve seen my fair share of struggles like everyone else on this forum and so we understand how hard it is. Try to think of what recovery means to you. Does it mean.. never ever getting an intrusive thought again OR does it mean accepting there will be times when you do get these thoughts and learning how to cope with them is the most important. The latter is far more realistic, after all everyone gets distressing thoughts - it’s normal and what makes us human. The issue is that those who suffer from ocd attach meaning to them and can’t let go. Let your dream / thoughts go. Don’t pay attention to them. Label what comes after the thought as ocd and don’t give in. It is impossible for us not to have distressing thoughts and I think it’s really important we remember that (took me a while to realise this). I’ve now accepted that I will always get distressing thoughts - it’s human and everyone does from time to time however I must work on what comes after. Let your thoughts go, use some imagery - I like to pop them in a box, padlock it and Chuck it in the sea! You’re doing well, try to enjoy your Sunday today - I think the weathers going to be nice in many places of the UK today so hopefully you’re somewhere where there will be Sun 🌞
  21. Hey @determination987 . Hope you’re having a nice weekend. Your post was great to read. I think you’ve identified some real gains. I’m in a similar position with identifying Compulsions and have also minimised the time spent on these. Ive also found that anxiety decreases as well as a decrease in fatigue. Amazing how much time and energy compulsions use up. In fact from November - March, I would ruminate In bed all day long and I was feeling mentally and physically exhausted. When I think of that time, it makes me feel exhausted too. It’s all work in progress but We will get there. best wishes Ma
  22. Sorry I’ve not been back on here @Handy @PolarBearand @MarieJo . I really appreciate your replies and taking the time out to help Me. When reading my post from Tuesday I can see how irrational I was being as my mind has now had time to relax and so I can see much more clearly. It’s really difficult to rationalise when the intrusive thoughts / obsessions / are raw. It’s almost like I need a ‘cooling off’ after the obsession has occurred in order to look at this from a more rational perspective. @Handy Thank you, luckily I’m not a heavy coffee drinker. Thanks @MarieJo. I’m sorry you’ve had to cope with ocd for such a long time. I hope that you can see how strong and resilient you are despite what a big challenge this is/was for you. As a mother, having obsessions about your children is incredibly tough. They say ocd plays on what you love the most which makes complete sense.
  23. Hi Everyone, As some of you may know, I’ve been suffering from postnatal ocd for since late last year. Themes have mainly been around fear of harm / contamination and fear of being inappropriate towards baby whilst doing normal activities. I have had a good few weeks recently however my monthly cycle tends to trigger an increase in severity of the ocd. I would like to get some advice. Ocd has recently been trying to play on my feelings / intentions. Feelings: sometimes it gives me feelings that I want something to happen which causes me anxiety. Or sometimes the intrusive thought is ‘you have a bad intention to do x’ or sometimes it’s intention and feeling it plays on at the same time. Can this happen? it sometimes even feels real which is so scary. A few examples of what happened yesterday. 1. Holding baby and he’s doing the poo and is making a sound as though he’s constipated and ocd somehow makes some weird connection and makes me ‘feel’ like I like the sound in a wrong way. 2. Bringing baby down the stairs and as I’m hyper aware of my groin area, I notice baby bops up and down and touched my groin area whilst coming down the stairs and I don’t like that, then ocd tries to trick me into telling me I did it on purpose, then I get stuck in that thought. 3. Whilst I change his nappy feelings thoughts and thoughts about intention - you wiped to hard, you touched this, you shouldn’t have done the last wipe, you have bad intention. 5. Getting him out of the car, picked him up from the car seat and ocd making me fearful of his nappy area touching my groin and again doubting whether this happened and whether I did this on purpose ect. 6. His dad handing him over to me and again fear of his groin area touching my area and again ruminating if this happened and or if I did it on purpose. 7. Trying to put baby asleep in my arms whilst standing up and ocd gives intrusive thought of wanting to move my groin area so it touches baby bottom and the more I stay in the same position the more likely I feel like I’m going to move and the feeling that I want to move. 8. Baby sleeping next to me, I have a nap to. He wakes up and so do I, I notice my hand or body move slightly and get worried and then can’t remember what happened ect. Why did I move my hand or where was my hand ect. It’s basically playing on my feelings of want and intention when I don’t want these things. But then because I experience the feeling I start questioning it and then it makes me feel awful and bad and it just gets worse. And now I feel really guilty like I’ve done something terrible. I hate it. Can ocd present this way and be really confusing to the sufferer??? Especially when it plays around feelings and then you start to think omg am I actually that person, do I actually enjoy this thing I’m most fearful off ect ect? I hate it. I’m scared - how do I move past this?
  24. Hello. Thank you to everyone who has given me advice this week - snowbear/polar bear/ocdjonesy/mariejo and anyone else if I haven’t recalled everyone, I really appreciate it. I am so stuck and confused. Is this normal? Ocd distorts reality completely. I’ve taken everyone’s advice from earlier on in the week - carry on, doing what you do ect but then when I do I feel bad for it. I get an unwanted feeling/thought/sensation. A few seconds after I kiss my baby on his cheek to show affection and I feel bad for it. Or I want too but I’m scared so I then place my nose on his neck and tickle him but again feel bad for it. Then at the same time whilst I’m tickling him, I get the bad feeling again which I don’t want and then it makes me feel like I did x action for a bad reason and then I get confused. I was at my mums this evening and my husband handed baby over to me. I put baby on my shoulder and started to show him affection, it felt really. I’ve but again sensation / smell / triggering thoughts and bam - one minute it’s you feel x then it’s you have x intention then it’s you are bad, ect and at the same time I’m trying to have fun with my baby and tickle him and show affection but amidst all of this the ocd is taking over and gets me all confused - what was my intention, why did my arm move like this, why did I sniff his face/why did my lips move/ why did my face go here, why did I lean a certain way. Again I’m continuing to tickle him. Then after I feel awful and I feel like I’ve done a bad thing. SO what am I supposed to do? Continue to play with him and ignore everything??
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