Nolightleft

Me to absolutely destroyed, led on bed,can't take much more

I think it's because it's in that grey are that ocd likes to jump on and my black and white thinking kicks in. I try to relax my face and scan from feet up and I'm trying to apply Unconditional acceptance that even what I did is bad but that doesn't necessarily mean that the whole of me is bad but my internal dialogue is so hard to change,not only do I get images of the things I did and saw an imagined bud also the name will pop up,I try to not engage but I just instantly recoil,it makes me feel very guilty and I wish I had a partner to share with openly but because of the subject matter it would cause alot of damage but that adds fuel to the fire and intensifies the lies because I feel she deserves to know the sort of man she's with,even though I've already confessed about the fantasy the other things seem worse as its not just in the head but actually looking and hiding what I was looking at

I know it's the old ocd chestnut,I think if people only new how bad,then I confess it on here then someone sais your not bad and I think they couldn't have read what I did so I'll have to say it again,I'm so stuck in a dungeon,I just exist

Last comment was pointless, don't know what I hoped to gain,just asamed

I'm really not a good person by any means,good people don't fantasize about relations,blood or not or sneak a look at Facebook pictures of them,I cant believe this has resurfaced ,I honestly thought I had moved on then my last theme caterpulted into this one and it's the worst because it could tear apart a family because of my curious taboo mind

Sorry,that's reassuring seeking,im just so down,I can't live a normal life,I'm just tormented by my actions

There is no denying that taking a screen shot of her the deleted it just so I could blow the picture up to look at it and going on Facebook to look at pictures is extremely strange let al9ne fantasies,it is strange,I can accept that the things I did are genuinely wrong actions but people do bad all the time,how can I just bury this without confessing all,it's different to intrusive thoughts,these are genuine things I have done wrong,tried not to post but I'm really struggling

I just can't get through this,it's literally eating me alive,I try to not engage in the memories of the things I did but my brain is so locked,nowhere to move,the guilt and shame is overwhelming,and it wasn't just one thing around this relative,it's lots of little indiscretions that keep building a bigger picture of dishonesty,im totally lost how to move on from this

I try to do other things,it's always there,the terrible terrible guilt

Shouldn't have expressed in that way,can't do anything like that,caused to much pain when I did,just how I feel,like you all,robbed of who we really are and robbed of our lives because of a nasty illness

I'm so tired,so tired,I just want peace now,details details details,just want it all to stop

How do u let go,just let go,no more anything, just let go of this horrible torment,I cant change the past

Bless you all but I've got to be honest It's just not ok,it's creepy uncle stuff,I would die for family but I've also always found taboo in fantasies,ever since a a teen,never anything illegal,but stuff I wouldn't want in reality, then thought action fusion and moral scrupulousity kick in,im always battling with the 2 sides of myself,enjoying mental stimulation then extreme guilt,but putting fantasies to the side,to deviously look at photos and purposely look at them is a bit sinister when it's a relative,I see that as crossing a line,especially as I hid them in archive,it's just wrong,and I'm so confused how I did it,its like there is 2 me,s,my moral self and pervert self

It's so hard,I've never been able to hold a secret,I used to confess everything to my mum from day dot,then when I met my partner the same,always feel im living a lie and just can't tolerate the secrets,100 honesty,I'm also like a yo yo or pendulum,when ocd lifts I am reckless,I fantasize about other people,like I said I even took a screen shot of my niece and deleted it then looked at it in archive folder,despite ocd it's very confusing but it didn't bother me,I knew I love my wife and what I really want in life,but I do strange stuff when ok then feel extreme guilt,then act recklessly again,I dont know why I can't set myself clear boundaries when ok as it the stupid things I do always come back and make me feel justified crippling guilt

I'm having real trouble working out if I should share this with my partner,I know confession is a compulsion but where is the line from an open honest relationship and confession,it didn't bother me at the time but it is quite a major indiscretion to purposely do something like that,I feel as if I can't forgive myself until I'm forgiven although my partner has told me clearly do not tell me anything else,youve messed me up enough

There are things that are just creepy,and I think ocd can be an excuse. I'm reading supersvet ATM,I think dogs are angels without wings and so much better than humans

Allright,is what it is,weird,weird as he'll,where have I gone,where were my morals,,I can understand, be kind but my head throws up all this creepy ****,time to turn the flights out

Not ocd,just weird,can't handle all this ****,no action, just strange

Ok,sorry,I think im there is something seriously creepy about me,didn't bother me when I was ok,took a screen shot of my adult niece and deleted it then looked at archive,I dont know why,it's so messed up,dont know how I forgot and don't know why,it's so messed up,dont want to be that creepy uncle,I have high morals,it's so messed up,forget ocd,creepy as hell

Yep,not only that,I've got to stop overthinking,nothing really matters

That's so weird ,how can people as in me think that's OK when in a relationship, really need to be a better person

Just remembered led in bed atm I once screen shot a picture of relative then deleted from album to see in archive,not sur if to check or just to look,this was a year ago,gets more creepy by the minute,so devious, what's that all about,I dont know, it's just not ok,how can I let go and live in present when I obviously am that weird relative

Lifetime habbit I suppose,anxiety builds and builds and builds,I am getting better at delaying

Yeah I know,it all is

I know Darfield,I nearly didn't post,I was telling myself just don't,it's seeking reassurance, my brain is just putting peaces together and building a life long case,it's fitting it all into one life long obsession with this relative and blanking out all the good times and devotion to my partner,telling me im living a lie,holding a secret etc etc