Nolightleft

Thanks for all your insight Tbh many I do but in a state of panic,fear and pain I don't see it I go to bed at ten,wake up at 1,toss and turn with fear dread sweeping into every part of my body,all connected,I get so bad that just a reassurance hit keeps me going for 20 minutes. In the midst,it's desperate,a learnt coping mechanism,almost automatic,I will work on it

Sometimes I don't even realise,I think I'm just expressing

Also my values are towards transparency and honesty which is why I'm so hard on myself when I make a moral mistep I can't be honest about only fueling to need to share more

Thank you,I get so wrapped up in the content,I think I find real event extra hard,because it's when I've done something stupid in the grey area where some would say so what and others may rise an eyebrow,it likes to latch on Unfortunately my partner would not laugh it off,I hurt her in reality many years ago then have confessed many things that have damaged her self esteem quite badly.

Thanks It may be OCD now but the things I did I can't help but see as deceitful and cheating,I just can't feel I'll ever get over or understand why i would click on the image and actually google their name,thats whats messing me up the most,what my intention was,and how i could do it without a care ror my partners feelings,don't know how ill ever get over it without coming clean

Wish I could help you,I really do but I myself am in hell ATM,just had to post to say you are not alone,sorry I can't help at all

Thank you,I've tried beating rumination for decades,when the obsession locks in I just can't stop,it's not just OCD although that's an aftermath,Ive got to stop doing immoral things when I'm not that bad that make me feel guilty,I'm just feel stupid and wrong doing the things did,it's messing me up but what choose do I have but to try and get out of this hell or the other one which would devistate

I'm really really trying to respond to the constant intrusive thoughts in a better way,I find it near impossible,I just fall into constant rumination. I genuinely feel unbelievable guilt for the things I did and I don't know how much more of it I can take,I'm so desperate to confess this to my other half even knowing that it will upset her,make her insecure and angry that I hurt her again,I know it's selfish but it feels the only way to get rid of the pain. And I can't change the past but I can't stop beating myself up and wishing I hadn't have done these things,it genuinely feels like a form of cheating and betrayal And I think because I went out of my way to purposely to do these things it adds a whole new level of guilt that I'm responsible for my actions that I did

Thanks so much,this gold

Thanks to all,gonna pull away until I can apply things better

I really need to learn to use this place in a better way,there were some good advice as always,I just find it near impossible to apply it,I just get in such a state,I will try and wrap my arms around it as suggested

I myself am going through hell because of who I looked up and also desperately want to confess,every time I have confessed in the past it has only caused pain to my other half and something else will take its place that you need to confess,this is a vile illness, And relationship OCD is complex

I I really want my bits deleted if possible please,keep the advice but please delete mine,if not all, thanks

Can this thread be locked or deleted please,I will just keep doing what I do,I know it

Sorry, sometimes I don't even realise I'm doing compulsions,did manage to get to work ,even after being sick with anxiety

Does it honestly not sound awful and is this something I shouldn't confess to wife for even though Im in so much pain and feel I'm living a lie

Bless you, I fantasized about my non blood adult niece,clicked on her photo and googled for some strange reason,it is weird,I may not have hurt someone but it's so wrong, I wouldn't ever want something in reality but it's pretty messed up,I feel so sick of myself

It's so hard, everyone has their themes and it's hell for all,mine just seem so creepy because it's stuff I actually have done,fantasies,looked at pics ,googling to someone I shouldn't,it just feels so messed up and creepy

Thanks for your time Actually makes me cry when I see how my strength can be, Straight away my brain argues,it tells me ah but this isn't just thoughts it's actions,you purposely clicked on the pic and you purposely googled her name,this makes you a vile evil predator, considering you have already entertained thoughts about her etc ect That's the internal dialogue and I really try to not listen but it's so strong,it keeps me awake,I can't function when it hits,and I beat myself up for doing it,I feel I should never have done those things,I even try and say just don't worry about it but 8 just can't help it I've got work tomorrow and my anxiety is through the roof

I really don't know what to do It's got hold of me so hard and again the need to confess is enormous,I'm trying to look at it lightly,to use theory a and theory b,to not see it as bad as it is but my uncontrollable rumination is ruthless,I really feel I crossed a line with these indiscretions,it just feels very wrong,I'm trying to take the advice of jonesy of looking at it as just a mistake that made me feel rubbish but my brain just said it is diseatful,creepy and just wrong,I haven't killed anyone but I just feel so bad about it

Thanks,I'll try to stay calm,it's so annoying,as soon as I wake up it's as if my brain is searching for these things,then it builds a case against me as prosecution and I'm the defence. It sais..... This is different,it's not OCD,you must be obsessed with her,your wife has to know or you are living a lie etc. I'm trying hard to not to work out why I did what I did but the pull is so strong to not let it just be as nothing because it feels like I genuinely was wrong for what I did,I feel it's unfaithful,I know I can't take it away,it's done but it was a craps things to do

I will try that jonesy,not easy but I will try,it doesn't feel like I'm ruminating,it feels like my brain is attacking

Thanks hal I truly don't expect a response from anyone and this is the last time I express this OCD is one thing,entertaining thoughts about a non blood adult niece then confessing then getting better and for some foolish reason I don't understand clicking a picture and googling her name is messed up. I am a good man I do have huge morals,I care for people and animals,I would do anything to help anyone, people like me,I can be funny,not bad looking but theres that foolish devil in me that does stupid things like that,all I want is my wife and family but that taboo part of my brain messes me up,why do I do that **** when all I want is my wife

Sorry,going down that hole again,it's so hard not to,I don't even realise I'm doing it ,just feel terrible about it that's all

I am diagnosed with OCD but is it still OCD when you should genuinely feel guilty,the past fantasies,the clicking on photo and googling,that seems genuinely inappropriate to do and not normal behaviour I can't do anything about it,maby I could put it under real OCD,I made mistakes and now have intrusive thoughts about what I did,but I genuinely feel creeped out by myself and cant understand my motives behind these mistakes