hi
I had a big meltdown yesterday... as doctors say, ocd is the doubting disease and i went banana yesterday night. I have this fear of becoming a pedophile or incest. I went on and off of ''no I am not'' and ''stop being in denial, YOU ARE''. I have bipolar disorder and my last manic episode, I had exposure therapy (for the last time) and I had a script about my ocd to say 10 times a day to expose myself to the thought. I got very happy when I could do it and that excitement turned quickly into mania" And in a manic state I decided that I could do even more than what my doctor recommend for me. I decided that I would masturbate to every single person I had intruisive thoughts about. In my mind I was like : stuff ocd, I am stronger than you. You can imagine how deep I felt when I got out of that episode. Let's just say I ended up in the hospital for a week.
The point is; I forced myself to feel aroused by the thought of my fears (ocd) and it worked. I messed my own brain up. I unwired it literally. And now, I keep looking back at that and wonder if that's what I am actually attracted too? And now I only get arroused when seeing a kid or someone that I used to have intruisive thoughts about. I am still wondering if I am not or if I am in denial.