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Thank you for your replies James M and Howard. I'm sorry that it's difficult for you to leave the house James M, I hope things get better for you soon. I believe my work does have mental health first aiders, and a confidential therapy phone line but I'm worried that it wouldn't be confidential and it's just another way of my employer keeping an eye on people. Yes definitely, my stress levels are triggering checking rituals at work and it's hard to send an email without checking that it's word perfect first. I can spend an hour on an email checking and rechecking but I'm trying to limit myself to ten minutes for a simple email and half an hour for something more complex. Even with this target though I find myself checking the clock and sending the email exactly at ten minutes. I'm also working on a project at the moment and my target is to do 12 checks an hour or one every 5 minutes. I can feel the anxiety rise in me every time I miss the 5 minute target. Even if I am faster than the 5 minutes I feel anxious. I can imagine, its not easy to find a supportive employer. You have my sympathy, my husband suffers from IBS and can't go anywhere without knowing he'll be close to toilets. I do need to do something before I hit a crisis, I had a breakdown in 2014 after my dad died suddenly and I was all of a sudden left to look after my autistic mum who needed to learn how to cook, clean, and use money. She didn't even have her own bank account, dad looked after all of that for her. Recent stressful situations haven't been quite that stressful thankfully but still it's not really a road that I want to even start to travel again. I will definitely contact my GP surgery on Monday, and talk to them. Thank you for suggesting that I talk to them about what to tell my employer, I hadn't thought to do that. Sorry for the long reply, I'm practicing with not editing this, I'm just typing it out as it comes to me.

I would do that except I haven't declared my OCD at work and I'm not sure about doing so because the last time I declared a mental health condition at work I had a bad experience. Its a long story so I will try not to go into too much detail but I was having a hard time going into the office regularly so I thought it would be helpful to let HR and my manager know but one HR manager told me I was being 'a dick' (yes, that's a direct quote) and my manager thought I was 'weak' and didn't want me on his team (openly admitted by the other HR manager) so he basically pushed me out by setting me targets I was unable to meet. He then put me on a personal improvement plan as a cover for their discrimination. The matter was settled outside of a tribunal (I couldn't face a tribunal at the time and they knew that). I did get a payout but I had no job for a few months when I'd only just had a baby. The whole experience left me feeling like I should be a lot more guarded about what I say to employers. I've been in my current job just over a year now and I'm a remote worker. There's a lot of things that I find triggering travelling to and working in a strange office space surrounded by other people and I have previously struggled to hold down a job in an office environment but at least I can manage my environment working at home. Having said that, and given that I'm struggling a bit recently, and I don't want my work to suffer (feel like I've been working at about 50% the last couple of months); perhaps I should declare and let them know I need a break rather than let them think that I just don't care. My work has given me no indication that they will behave in the same manner as my last workplace so its just fear that's holding me back basically.

Thanks Angst, I don't have a big support network but I recently found out that someone I met during ante natal classes and has become a friend suspects she has OCD. I had no idea until she shared some of her struggles at work. So I feel like I can talk to her and she will understand and not just tell me to 'snap out of it'...if only it was that easy!

I think it's been about 5 or 6 months in the making to be honest. I've had a few stressful situations to deal with at home and work has been pretty tough recently and I think I've burnt out. I actually thought I was stretching myself a bit far and booked a week off work at the beginning of May. The plan was to get away for a bit to my family's static caravan on the coast but my husband, 2 year old daughter and mum caught covid and were pretty ill so we couldn't go and I ended up spending my week off looking after them all! It's good advice, I probably could do with saying no more often.

Thank you, you're right, I'm just finding it hard to see right now, a bit of self care is required I think, and then I can work on breaking the cycle

Thanks James M, I don't really feel like I'm learning anything now but perhaps I am and just don't realise it yet.

I'm going to try and keep this short as I'll only spend hours writing and editing otherwise. Basically, I'm back in a bad place again with OCD for the umpteenth time. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, life throws curve balls at me and I crumble. Why can't I stay strong? I've been through high intensity CBT twice now and I have learnt useful coping strategies both times but every time things get tough I can't cope.