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Amiamonster

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  1. Love this post and all the other posts people said I feel good I'm going to enjoy a special dinner with my lovely parents.im 100 percent showing this thread to my therapist when I get one that specialised in ocd you guys have been amazing I love you all
  2. Yeah when I'm in freaking over drive panic my sence or reality goes out the window.it only when I get a new spike like I got last night visiting my parents as you and the forum saw me meltdown.but once I calmed and went back over the thread and read all of the amazing may I add replies brought me back down to reality and I'm back to knowing that I did nothing wrong The main thing I use to rid the anxiety is to remember I was not worried at the time of the event 30 odd years ago and was not worried throughout my entire life after the event I never thought about it therefore I didnt do anything bad,and I also think that others would not worry about such and event that may have happened when young or any age Because I've always been a worried person and if i had done a horrific crime i would have neve gotten over it or forgotten about what even happened. So I know its ocd and I always want to be a good person and ocd knows if it convises me I'm eveil then im helpless to it like im its slave . I need to turn the table on the ocd and play it at it's own game and just laugh at the horrific thoughts and not try to justify to myself and prove using thoughts why I am innocent and have done nothing wrong when brain brain tells me I'm a rapist.my ocd is preying on only things I dont want to be and discussed me and things that are against my morals. As you can see I do understand how ocd works but whn I'm in panic mode it's hard to think clearly yes I am getting a specialist in ocd not that random therapist as she is not a specialist more a general therapist for depression anxiety ocd .
  3. Posted September 17 i think I just need to man up other people would not be worrying about this I'm sure millions of kids teens and young people have done games like that as jokes or dares and pranks etc etc and if they dont have ocd it would not worry them,but I'm sure if you have ocd then it will haunt them and control them also, even though they haven't done anything bad just like my situation. You agreed that what I've described is not a crime or bad so I'm going to man up and try and forget about it and when the thoughts come I'm going to laugh and say bring it on dont care I'm not a rapist I'll play ocd at it's own game .hopefully I wont be back you guys have been a Rock for me the best forum in the world with kind people Thanks again guys I'm gonna try harder to stop asking for reassurance when its clear I dont need reassurance because ovbilsy it's not rape my mind is clear again.and you were right I was given the reassurance I needed plenty of times by you all
  4. Ok guys so my heart rate is back to normal not shaking anymore so I've gone back and read over all the posts and replies and in my ocd rant with the new more violent topic that entered my head from last night i got caught up,reading the replies clearly say you are not a monster and it's not rape etc etc so @DRS1 your right I did get given the reassurance that I was looking for ,my bad for oversighting that when it's pretty clear now I've gone back and read. When I added more information and reposted again recently I felt I needed reassurance again for the new bits of info I've added that may or my not be real or have happened that way.but in reality nothing has changed from the first post whether the item was outside his pants or in or item was being hit or the trowsers makes no difference because it's not rape and I can see that clearer now I'm calm and reread this thread .I apologise and didnt want to upset you or make you not want to post because you have acknowledged that I've done nothing wrong that day buy saying it's just ocd trying to make a normal childish event into something that it's not to scare me.thank got i didnt tell my parents and chilled out before freaking out and calling the cops lol
  5. How many times has someone given you reassurance on this and how many times has it worked, genuinely asking? I'd be curious to find out if the answer The answer really is zero I swear to god nobody has given me any reassurance at all to tell me from what i have described that is not rape or a crime and that i have nothing to worry about If a person agrees to put some thing down there pant in there butt or whatever then agrees to let the other friends hit the item to see how much pain he can take for a dare or something then is that rape I say no it's not it's a dumb game stupid young people do But why wont anyone just say of course that is not rape stop being silly and relax.but because I've had no reassurance all I can think of is that I'm a rapist I hope you understand I'm very bad at typing eapsislly during a full on panic attack when I reaslied you guys think I maybe have raped someone but wont give a straight answer like that is not a definition of rape or sexual assault Dont worry I'm not going to do anything like hurt myself thanks for the kind words and I will see a therapist but I'm getting one that knows about ocd not just a regular one I had booked ,as for knowing the seeking assurance is a main power ocd has on the person yes I know this it's a main driver of compulsions .but I've not been giving any reassurance have I other than people not answering my question does this event that happened account to rape or sexual assault or whatever these assult are called no one will answer now not answering to someone with ocd is the same as saying bro what you did was sick that's rape bro you see what I mean again please you can continue to post ,I do understand ocd as I've had it for years
  6. Ok so nobody will say that I'm not a rapist that means what I've described is rape ok so I'm going to have to accept I'm a filthy rapist .I'll call the police tommrow to ask them that all I want to know but I'm going to tell my family I'm a rapsit in a bit this will be the hardest thing I do before I die also telling my friends will be hard I just wish someone would say what you described is not rape and not anything to worry about but no1 is willing to say that because they know it's a viscous rape and dont want to blatant tell me that I'm a rapist now I cannot believe you guys think what I've described about the boy putting some **** in his but and people hit it, is I'm a rapist I'm crying right now I feel like a complete pu$$y Probbly will end it because you guys think I may be a rapist all I wanted was one bit or reassurance that the game was nothing bad
  7. The problem is I have asked for reassurance only in this thread I've never told another person too scared I've asked here only DO YOU GUYS THINK IM A RAPIST from my story, and nobody has given me any reassurance to say no what you described is not rape or sexual assault etc you are not a criminal and you can forget about it because your worried for no reason.thats all I needed but because I've never even been reassured that's why I'm still worried I'm a sicko .thank you for all your patience and time with me and that goes for everyone that commented or read my thread I can promised I wont be back here if I get opinion, am I a rapist from what I described if you guys think I'm not a rspist then I'll be able to get past this.that is why I tried to detail the story as best as I could to find out if what happened that day is a sick crime or not. Nobody was forced to do anything is my rational brain my ocd brain says yes he was forced . Maybe I'll call the police show then this thread and ask them if I'm a rapist and maybe call a solicitor and ask them if they think I'm a monster
  8. But your saying the ocd thoughts may be wrong and they might be right, in my mind that means your saying from what I've said happened that day as a kid was a brutal rape attack .I just want people to tell me what I've described is not rape and I am not a rapist that would end this for me I can try move on. I'm thinking about asking my parents if they think my story sounds like rape but I will never be able to see them again after asking such a weird sick question To anyone reading this in a similar situation please tell me from my story and this entire thread do you think AM I A RAPIST/SEXUAL ASSAULTER//etc etc deep down I know I'm not but I want other peoples views I know asking for reassurance is not good in ocd but knowing that others do not think I'm a rapist will let me put this ocd away and I can start to move on just one time I'm asking for reassurance I want you guys honest opinion I've looked up the definitions of all type of assult sexual assault rape I've read the lot ,how many years in prison all the scary stuff I want my ocd to change to another topic fast and it will once I know that others do not think I'm a monster rapist freak
  9. So I'll just try go with the original story of how I remembered the event or what I think happened and try to ignore the new version of the events that my ocd or brain decided to think of last night to really destroy me and make me suicidal.but the new version scres the hell out of me what if that was what really happened then that means I deserve to die or be in prison for life Thing is I wasn't worried about this until my first post in this thread so logic would tell me if i wasn't worried then i didn't do anything to be worried about so i should not worry now but it's so difficult it's like hell on earth
  10. I just wish this was not a real event ocd then this would be much easier to get over like I've got over all the other sick ocd topics I've had because they never happened and never would happen ,but because it was an event that happened such a long time ago and I cannot remember what happened properly ocd can just say stuff like like it did to my brain last night that instead of the slapping or hitting of a statue, you may have grabbed the item and me and other friend grabbed the friend and forcefully hurt him with it so that all I have in my mind and I dont know what is true or not anymore I'm breaking down as there is no way to know what really happened I assumed it was closer or the same as the original story as I tried to rember best I could.but my mind threw a spanner in the works last night by saying maybe it was a viscous sick attack I was involved in so now I just dont know what memories are real from the event and what are not real. i feel I should tell my parents because they are wonderful and wondering why I'm so scared and depressed but telling them that there son I worried he is a sick criminal rapist or something would break there hearts they are in there 70s and cant do that to them and it would kill me even telling them I would never be able to face them again
  11. My ocd thought have added a new WHAT IF SCENARIO and I'm freaking out, I was just visiting my parents for the weekend im here now not seen them I'm ages and was really looking forward to it was feeling good and positive,then boom its completly ruined and now im stuck in the spare room alone trying to think, now because of this new thought that my original story of how I remembered the event might be wrong and that it was really nasty vicious and forced and not some stupid childish game I think I remember it as I just dont know what to do anymore because ocd can say and add pretty much anything about the event and I'm going to believe it because I cannot rember the event clearly as it was decades and decades ago way over 30 years I want to just end it now because I cannot live with this anymore I cannot think about anything else.i just dont understand why this is happening to me now when I never worried at the time or thoughout my entire life but now I can think of nothing else Even going to sleep I cannot escape this torchure because I have nightmares about this constantly and the nightmares are very agressive nasty sick and twisted and maybe the truth I dont know what are the real truth of what happened anymore so much rumination and going over that day 1000000000 times in my mind has messed it up and now i have no idea what is true and what is not I'm tottally devastated They made me a special dinner and everything but I cannot eat I'm 46 nearly 47 and want to tell them what's wrong but I cannot tell them that I think I may be a sick evil rapist monster criminal
  12. i think I just need to man up other people would not be worrying about this I'm sure millions of kids teens and young people have done games like that as jokes or dares and pranks etc etc and if they dont have ocd it would not worry them,but I'm sure if you have ocd then it will haunt them and control them also, even though they haven't done anything bad just like my situation. You agreed that what I've described is not a crime or bad so I'm going to man up and try and forget about it and when the thoughts come I'm going to laugh and say bring it on dont care I'm not a rapist I'll play ocd at it's own game .hopefully I wont be back you guys have been a Rock for me the best forum in the world with kind people
  13. She just seems not interested I didnt go into detail about rape ocd and animal and pedo and gay ocd I'm worried I'm going to feel stupid and embarrassed saying this stuff especially if I mentain all the topics my ocd has changed to in the past.i will try to tell her and show her this thread for sure I haven't raped anyone or done anything bad other wise I would have been freaking worried my entire life and I would never have got over it ,so I know its ocd as this came out of the blue,and I've not been worried or even given it a second thought thoughout my life or at the time as it was just a game /joke/dare etc I've tried to be as honest as possible with what I can remember As you can see from all this masses of text I've written with as much detail as possible that I've not raped or sexual assault anyone you agree as would anyone ,but why is my ocd telling me I am a monster when I'm not the facts are clear from my story that im no rapist but I dont get why im still worrying about this rubbish ,I was fine last week up until yesterday and fine my entire life until I made this thread not too long ago becsuze that's when this new ocd started And lastly what did you mean it's not like you can control for any potential consequences of that event
  14. @DRS1 sorry buddy I edited the post after you had replied my bad did you see the post?
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