Hi throwaway,
I know it's been a very long time since this thread started but I just wanted to share my experience. I have had diagnosed OCD for at least 2 years now and my themes have moved around a lot. More recently, they have been focused on racism and reading your story felt so familiar. I have had so many times when, on seeing a Person of Colour, I have had an obsession about acting weirdly around People of Colour, I have tensed up, gone into fight or flight, and then after that the only thing I could do was something weird and odd-looking which was exactly what I did not want to do. This is 100% OCD. White people do all have unconscious biases towards POC and all need to work on their personal involvement in racism but when you write a piece about it this long, it's just not normal! And I can tell you forever that this is OCD that has caused all of your problems. I am sending loads of love and I hope you have found help for your OCD and are recovering. If you are not, seek help as soon as possible please! Even if you don't believe it, I know this is OCD. It will try to tell you otherwise but take this message as a ticket to go and get help, no matter what OCD says. And if you're worried about what your psychologist/therapist/whoever will help you will say, trust me: they've seen it all before. Every single 'evil', 'horrible' thing. You really deserve this help.
Also, if you can't afford it/waiting time is too long then there are loads of really helpful videos on YouTube/helpful threads on this website.
Hope you're okay
